


The Ripple Effect

by Cheney1507



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:56:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 95,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheney1507/pseuds/Cheney1507
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>http://cheney-therippleeffect.tumblr.com/fanfiction</p>
<p>Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The game took a heated turn when a Stanford player got called for a foul in the 89th minute right near the center of the field. Cal's Gina Pellegrini came up to take the free kick and Alex found herself holding her breathe as she lined up. They were down 1-0 and the time was dwindling down on what could possibly be the last game of her freshman season at Berkley and even worse, the last game for the seven seniors ahead of her. Alex felt the pressure.  She quickly looked up at the clock, only 1:50 left in regulation. Pellgrini launched a perfect ball into the center of the goalkeeper box and Alex swiftly got herself in the air as she headed in the ball to tie the game at one apiece. Alex's smile was absolutely gleaming as she was tackled to the ground by her team after netting her eighth goal of the season.

The teams lined up and soon the play had started right back up. Alex watched in horror as Ali Riley sent a crossing pass that got through Pellegrini and another defender with Allison McCann streaking down the right side of the field. McCaan couldn't quite reach the ball in front of an empty net and the time on the clock ran out as Alex breathed a sigh of relief.

In the first overtime Stanford's leading goal scorer and sophomore, Kelley O'Hara connected with the ball from teammate Ali Riley just before midfield. Without a second thought Alex's feet were back pedaling as she moved quickly to meet the speedy forward as as she took off down the pitch. Unfortunately she had not moved quick enough and ended up clipping the other girls heel, causing Kelley to topple over and Alex to trip over her. 

Alex had tried to catch herself but to no avail landed with a loud thud on top of the other girl. Pushing herself  up enough to give Kelley the space between them to roll over onto her back, Alex froze realizing how beautiful she truly was. What felt like a whole match to Alex had in reality only been about five seconds as she stared down at the woman before her. The Cardinal forward brushed the hair out her eyes and scrunched her face causing her many freckles to line up like little constellations as her gaze connected with Alex's briefly before she gestured for the younger girl to get off of her. Blushing profusely Alex scrambled off of Kelley and looked up at the ref expecting a possible yellow card but only receiving a gruff warning as a free kick was awarded to the other team.

The second overtime gave Stanford two corner kicks, but they couldn't find the net and the two teams were headed into a penalty kick shootout.

Stanford's goalkeeper Alex Gamble made a save on the first shot before Shari Summer's then stepped up and drilled her shot past Cal's goalkeeper Rose Aguilera. 

Kelley O'Hara and Christen Press put away the next two for the Stanford and Cal's Megan Jesolva then responded with a goal before Alex calmly stepped to the line. The goalkeeper did her best to psych Alex out, but she makes a point to never look at the keeper. Some good advice that had been handed down to her when she was just starting out. A moment later her ball too found the back of the net.

Before Alex knew it, the Cardinal's April Wall had scored and they were headed into an eighth and final round of the penalty shootout. She stood there, lined up with her team clinging to each other with hope, watching as their own Caitlin Hannegan sent her shot in. However, Stanford's goalkeeper read the ball perfectly and knocked the ball out of bounds. Rocking on her heels, she felt the last bit of hope drain from her body as Allison Falk stepped up to the line for Stanford and fired her shot into the back of the net to give Stanford the win.

*

After the game had ended, Coach McGuire had spoken to the team one last time, addressing how proud he was to have been their coach that season and how all the seniors would be greatly missed next fall. Still feeling overwhelmed from the emotions and crying that had gone on, on the field and in the locker room, Alex had quickly showered and made her way out of the Stanford tunnel. Headphones on and texting her sister Jeri she wasn't paying attention when suddenly she collided with something that sent her stumbling forward and for the second time that night landing with a thud upon the ground. Looking up she was once again met with freckles and the adorable scrunched up face of none other than Kelley O'Hara.

"Are we going to make this a thing every time we see each other?" the older girl asked jokingly as she pushed herself up on her elbows. "You finding yourself on top of me I mean."

"I’m sorry.” Alex laughed nervously as she stood up bringing the other girl with her. "I'll try not to keep doing that."

"That's a shame." Kelley mumbled under her breathe as she brushed herself off.

Catching Alex off guard, she could not stop the blush from appearing on her face. "What?" she asked.

Wide-eyed she looked up at Alex, "Nothing!" Kelley answered quickly before she confidently she sticks a hand out, “Kelley O’Hara.”

“Alex Morgan,” As Alex takes the older girls hand she notices that it is soft and dotted with freckles. "You play for the U-20's right?"

Kelley beamed. "So you've heard of me then." 

Alex rolled her eyes and laughed. "Yeah, actually I mean being the first player to be ejected from a game in last year’s U-20 Women's World Championship games does get your name out there." 

“Oh.” Kelley exhales. The older girl paused for just a moment, long enough for Alex to panic that she hadn't taken her banter well as she'd intended her to, before a freckle clouded hand shoved her playfully. “I'm flattered to meet such a big fan.”

Alex’s face splits into a small smile as she looks Kelley in the eye.

Kelley just shakes her head at being played with and starts talking again. "But yeah, about that... I have a tendency to be pretty aggressive on the field."

Alex gives a small grin that seems bigger than it is. "You're on a whole other level O'Hara.” 

A blush flickers to life over Kelley's cheeks. 

This time it’s Alex that shoves Kelley, causing a laugh to burst from Kelley’s lips.  


Kelley grinned at the girl in front of her as she adjusted her soccer bag on her shoulder, "Well Morgan, as much fun as it has been being a cushion for you today, there are better ways to impress a girl.”

Alex raises her brow clearly entertained, “Oh really? What would you is say the best way then?” 

Kelley went to answer but was interrupted by Christen Press calling to her from a few feet away. "Hey I have to get going," she said before turning around to face her friend, putting her pointer finger up signaling she would meet up with her in a minute.

Alex grins while Kelley's back is turned.

When she turns back around she unexpectedly grabs Alex's phone from her hand and inserts her number. "You've got my number, don't be a stranger!" she flashes her smile, "It was good meeting you." 

"You too." Alex bit her lip to stop her uncontrollable smile as the girl began walking off to meet her friends. 

"See you around, Alex!" she yelled over shoulder with a wink.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://cheney-therippleeffect.tumblr.com/fanfiction
> 
> Not everything is as it seems.

“Kelley I don’t think that’s how the tent is supposed to look.” 

“Babe don’t question my masterpiece, this is exactly how the tent is suppose to look.” Kelley exclaims while tangled up in the material.

Kelley has been trying to put up the tent for almost an hour and has yet to successfully finish it. Of course her stubborn side is showing, refusing to let me help. It was Kelley’s idea to surprise me on a weekend camp getaway with her; she’s always been such the adventurous type. She assumes that she is a wilderness expert but she hasn’t gone on a real camping trip since she was young. I think it’s adorable that she thinks she is, even though I can tell she is getting frustrated by the focused look shown in her eyes and the crinkles in her forehead. After another half an hour she finally has the tent unsteadily up but has an accomplished look on her face.

"See babe I told you that I would have it up in no time." I smile because she seems so accomplished and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her.

“You did an amazing job Kell.” I laugh because her enthusiasm is so contagious.

“Now that, that’s finished, let’s start our next activity.” Kelley smiles while rummaging through her truck. She pulls out two fishing poles and has the biggest grin on her face.  
The sun is right over head, beating down on our canoe that drifts slowly in the water. Kelley is staring off into the distance and the sun catches her face just right, showing off how beautiful and flawless her skin is. Her eyes shine playing off the sun’s rays, a stunning hazel color, that’s absolutely breathtaking. The light shines a golden hue on her face showing off her adorable freckles and I can’t help but smile thinking about how beautiful she truly is.

“Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?” she says giving me a concerned look.

"No babe." I laugh to myself. “I was just thinking about how lucky I am to be dating someone as beautiful as you.” 

“I knew you only started dating me for my looks! I can’t blame you though, I am fabulous.” She flips her hair dramatically causing us both to burst out laughing. 

"You caught me." I say as seriously as I can.

This causes her to pout, so I lean in to kiss her when all of a sudden she jerks away.

“I think I got something!" Kelley shouts as she starts reeling in her line and low and behold she has actually caught a rather large fish. As she grabs the fish to remove it from the hook, it jumps out of her hands and without thinking Kelley lunges forward trying to catch it. The sudden movement causes the canoe to tip over and I submerge from the water to see my girlfriend with a closed smile and her eyebrows raised, lifting her arms in the air.

“Care for a swim?” She says trying to hide the huge smile that is starting to creep up on her face.

“I am going to kill you.” I say swimming swiftly towards her so I can dunk her under water. We fool around in the water for the next hour, splashing each other, and having competitions like who can swim the fastest to a certain point and back. I always win and I give her kiss for being such a good sport. We spend the rest of the time back on the canoe joking around and telling stories.

*

By the time we get back to the camp site we’re both starving so Kelley decides to cook us dinner. A few days before our trip, Kelley had went all out and bought every sort of camping equipment you could imagine. Things like portable pans, utensils, and all the "camping themed food” you could buy. I went to go get the food from the truck while Kelley went to start the fire. When I got back, I find Kelley on all fours, staring at a little spark she started.

“Why won’t you get bigger?” Kelley muttered to herself.

“So babe who are you talking to?”

“Oh you know, just encouraging my fire.” She explains so nonchalantly I can’t help but smile.

“Do you want my help getting your fire started Kell? I don’t think that little flame is going to help cook our food.”

“Alex I don’t think you have the skills to handle this wilderness task. Please let the professionals do it, my spirit animal is a squirrel after all.” 

“Whatever you say, Queen of the Forest.” Laughing at how serious she seemed.

After watching Kelley struggle to get her little flame to catch the wood on fire, my stomach told me it was time for me to step in. I walk over to where she is squatting and I hip check her causing her to fall to the ground. 

“Hey! What are you doing?” She exclaims looking shocked.

“Kelley if I don’t intervene now, we’re going to starve!” 

“Alex you’re so dramatic. I have the situation under control, thank you very much.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s make it a bet then. Whoever can start their own fire first wins and the other owes them something.” Once I offer her the bet I know she won’t refuse because of our competitive nature. 

“You’re on Morgan.” She says in that cocky voice she gets when we’re competing against each other. 

It only takes me about twenty minutes to collect my wood, set it up, and get my fire started. When I turn to Kelley, she has that serious look on her face that I love so much. I only ever see her serious when she’s playing soccer or competing to win a contest. 

I walk up behind her grabbing her waist and pulling her towards me brushing my lips against her ear as I whisper, “I win O’Hara.”

“Beginners luck.” she says as she leans into me, accepting defeat.

“Now, how about that dinner?” I say kissing her neck and walking to my chair.

It doesn’t take Kelley long to cook the hot dogs, corn on the cob, and to cut up all of the fruit we brought. We eat in silence both soaking up our surroundings. The trees, the calm water, and the sunset creates the perfect atmosphere for us. We sit their enjoying each other’s company in silence while we finish our meals. When I’m done my plate, I go over and sit on Kelley’s lap. I give her a kiss on the forehead and we both sit there and stare at the setting sun. 

“So are you ready for dessert babe?” Kelley asks me once the sun is completely down.

We spend the next half hour, sitting by the fire, making s’mores while Kelley teaches me the proper way to make them. One of the many things I love about Kelley is how enthusiastic she is about everything she does. She is always optimistic and easy going which are two characteristics that everyone loves about her. 

After eating what seemed like a million s’mores, we curled up in a sleeping bag because Kelley decided that she wanted to stargaze because she wanted to, "be one with nature.”. We lay near the fire, looking up at the stars that light the darkened sky. We went back and forth trying to find the constellations but we failed miserably.

“When you were younger, what did you think the stars were?” Kelley says seeming lost in her own thoughts.

“I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away. “ I respond.

“Really? How did you know that?”

“The Lion King told me.” I say trying to not laugh.

Of course Kelley bursts out laughing. “And here I thought it was because my girlfriend goes to Berkeley so she has to be a genius.”

“Well, Miss Stanford I could have said the same thing about you but I guess you just aren’t up to par with my intelligence.” 

Kelley raised her eyebrows, grabbed my hand and held it to her chest, dramatically saying, “How did I get so lucky to have someone so intellectual, studying first hand from Walt Disney himself. You must know all the secrets of the world.”

This has us both laughing hysterically but once we come down from our laughing fit, I finally notice where my hand is. My hand was pressed against Kelley’s sternum and I could feel her heart beating and when I looked up her eyes are piercing mine. I slowly move closer to her face, wanting to kiss those lips, but I hesitated, waiting for her to close the gap between us. She doesn’t hesitate and soon are lips are moving to their familiar rhythm. I pull Kelley on top of me, having her legs straddle mine, and I bring my hands to her waist, sliding them under her shirt. She has her hand up the back of my shirt and in one swift movement Kelley unlatches my bra and pulls it off. She starts to explore me like it’s the first time. Kelley starts to move her body and I can’t help but lift my lower half up to get better friction. Kelley starts to leave a trail of kisses from my mouth, to my chin, and to my throat. I lose myself in her touch and my body is screaming for more. I start to move faster and my breathing deepens, a moan escaping from my mouth. 

Kelley pulls away and says exactly what I needed to hear. “I think I owe you on that bet now.”

*

I am pulled out of the memory and back into reality as I feel the girl I love nestled against my neck. Her breath is slow and even, spreading across my skin like a whisper. The memory was so vivid that I felt like I was reliving it, leaving me with a strange feeling in my chest that I just can’t seem to place. It’s just about dawn and I decide that it's time I get up and go for my morning run. I lightly kiss her on the lips and get out of bed. She looks so serene laying there and I know I could watch her for hours. After I get ready I stop and turn to her, watching her delicate features, getting lost in the rhythm of her body expanding and contracting with each breath she takes. How did I get so lucky? Before I leave the room I give her one last kiss as I whisper,

“Good morning Tobin.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://cheney-therippleeffect.tumblr.com/fanfiction
> 
> A present day glimpse as the story unfolds.

Even as the cold air hits my face I can’t seem to shake the memories that haunt my thoughts. It’s been several months and the guilt still eats at me. I take a turn to run down the beach and Kelley's laughter at me being chased by a crab enters my thoughts. I take a deep breathe and I push forward, picking up my speed as I try to outrun my own thoughts. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt Kelley, I mean she has been one of the biggest parts of my life for the past six years. Picking up my speed, I close my eyes tighter and try to focus on the burning in my legs. These runs have become a daily routine to try and help me forget about all the awful things I have been doing these last few months.  


My mind then turns to the thought of the girl in my bed. I almost laugh to myself at how irrevocably damaging our actions have been. Kelley will never forgive us for betraying her but my connection to Tobin is impossible to deny. I turn the corner seeing our apartment in the distance and I relish in the feeling of relief that washes over me just knowing she’s there waiting.

*

This was a night to celebrate. I had scored twice, helping our team to a 3-0 victory over Canada in our first meeting since the 4-3 overtime wins in the semifinals of last year’s Olympic tournament. Already up 2-0, Sydney had scored in the third minute of stoppage time on a breakaway drawing boos from over 20,000 Canadian fans when she put her finger to her lips and pointed to the symbol on her jersey before running to celebrate with our team.

We had arrived back at our hotel in Toronto about two hours ago and it felt amazing to finally be able to relax, catch up and have some fun with each other before we all had to leave and go our separate ways again to rejoin our club teams.

“To Abby! Another year older and another year wiser!" Heather O’Reilly yelled out as we all knocked our drinks together. I watched shaking my head as Kelley whose ankle was already not up to par and was highly intoxicated could not hold herself steady. The force of Hope's glass hitting her own knocked her off-balance and sent her stumbling until Sydney steadied her and make a joke about her not being able to handle being buzzed.

All week I had, had a permanent smile. It was so good to finally see everyone and to be able to celebrate Tobin's 25th birthday with her. I did not even mind at first that I had not seen much of Kelley. Obviously I missed her but we had both been so busy between catching up with everyone on the team, practices and then extra physical therapy she had for her ankle, I did not let it get to me. That was right up until now, our last night together and she was off celebrating our victory with pretty much everyone but me. I took another long sip of my drink as Kelley clung to Sydney's arm laughing about something Ali had just said to Ashlyn.

Tobin was off with Lauren Cheney, Megan Rapinoe and Lori Lindsey when I made my way over to them. I fixed a winning smile on my face as I made small talk before saying I needed to show the other girl something. Without a question Tobin just smiled and let me lead her by her sleeve away to a few empty lounge chairs in a corner of the bar. From there we could see pretty much everything that was going on, from Hope angrily texting by the bar while Carli rolled her eyes as she looked on, to an overly drunk Kelley who was now propped up against Christen Press's shoulder a few tables across from us. I stopped and did a double take and sure enough there was Kelley barely coherent and Christen was waving me over. I huffed a little knowing I was going to be taking care of her all night after this stunt. Just as I was about to get up to help Christen bring Kelley back to her and Sydney's, Ashlyn swooped out of nowhere and surprised me.

“Alex.” Ashlyn said as she spoke to me. "Ali and I are heading back up to our room; we can take Kelley if you want to stay."

At the suggestion, I suddenly sat back down and looked at Tobin with a smile.

“Yeah that would be great Ash." I glanced over at Kelley and then to Tobin. "We're just going to stay a little bit longer, have some more fun."

Ashlyn gave us a questioning look and I felt myself become irritated but before I could do anything about it she spoke up. “All right, just get back safe.” She grinned at us before heading off in the direction of her girlfriend. A year or two ago Ashlyn would have been there closing down the place with us. Ali had certainly had an effect on her.

I felt myself soften slightly, though, at Ali and Ashlyn smiling at each other from across the room. “They really love each other don't they?" I ask turning to Tobin.

Tobin looked up at me with a lazy smile on her face. “Yeah they do. It's sweet, yo."

*

A few rounds later, the room spun and my head pulsed with the beat of the music.  


“Two more please!” I yell out to the bartender. " 

Coming right up!" he yells back

As we are waiting, I notice something out of the corner of my eye. I nudged Tobin, “There they go again.” I say pointing to Hope who was now on the phone with Jerramy bringing their fighting to another level. "All they do is fight and yell at each other." I mutter.

“They’ve been doing that all week.” Tobin noted.

"It's obvious they rushed into things." I say still bitter towards my own relationship at the moment. "They should really just get a divorce already."

"Whoa there Baby Horse, I don't know if I would go that far." Tobin looks over at them again just as Hope slams her phone down. It looks like she is about to throw it when Carli places her hand on her shoulder and takes it away from her grasp. Hopefully for the night. "Maybe they could trycsome couples therapy first." she laughs.

“Poster board relationship right there.” I state.

Tobin shrugged. “Eh, it’s not always like that Lex."

I am about to disagree with her statement but the bartender comes over with our shots. I throw mine back quickly but Tobin however doesn't touch hers.

"I think it's time to get you back to the room Alex." Tobin states as she puts her arm around me.

My skin tingled where Tobin’s touched it, but I didn’t want to pull away.

“Sorry you're too French for me now, I don't quite understand?" I say trying to keep a straight face.

"I ate you!" she jokes back. "I mean hate you!" I can't help but grin widely at my friend as we recall our banter from her birthday just a few short days ago. Not only had Tobin picked up a bit of a French accent causing her to say things like she ate me rather than she hates me but she also had, had a permanent smile on her face since she'd gotten back from Paris and for some reason I found myself never wanting to see slip away.

"You finish that shot and we can leave." I barter.

* 

“Lex I can’t carry you, come on, where is your inner baby horse? Just gallop or trot your way to our room.” Tobin jokes trying to persuade me to stop leaning on her.

“Tobs I can’t I lost my feet.”

I have Tobin chuckling now, “What do you mean you lost your feet?” 

“I just told you! I have misplaced my feet! We should find them.” 

I start looking for them but Tobin keeps pulling me forward not letting me.

“Lex we can look for your feet tomorrow but for now just get on my back and I'll give you a piggy back to our room.”

At this point I give in and hop on her back so she can carry me the rest of the way.

I lean in trying to get closer so I can tell Tobin it’s nice to have her back. I’m still fuming that Kelley got that drunk and spent most of the night with Sydney and Ashlyn. With us living across the country it's been really hard and I miss her. And after those two goals against Canada, I really thought she would have wanted to celebrate with me.  


I’m feeling a little dizzy now and I lay my head against Tobin's shoulder and close my eyes. When I breathe in Tobin smells like the ocean and I find myself trying to decide if it’s her body wash or the fact that when she's not on a soccer field, she’s a permanent fixture in the ocean.

“Ya know Tobin, Paris has done you well. I can see that you’ve been showering, I’m quite impressed.”

Tobin starts to laugh and I realize how much I’ve missed that laugh while she’s been gone.

“Wow thank you so much for noticing Alex. Just another one of those things I’ve picked up overseas.”

We finally get to our hotel room and Tobin drops me as soon as we get inside. She goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing a baggy shirt and UNC shorts. I love when girls dress down and it makes me smile.

“Tobin, I’ve lost my arms. Will you please help me get out of this stupid dress?”

She gives me a look and I see her hesitate but she comes over to help me anyway.

“Turn around. ” She says before she grabs my zipper and pulls it down. She steps closer and slides the straps off my shoulders. Her hands skim down my arms as the dress drops to the ground and I’m surprised at the shiver that goes through me.

I step out of my dress and Tobin bends over picking it up for me. “Thank you.” is all I can manage.

Tobin then turns around and starts rummaging through her bag. I shake my thoughts away, grab some clothes and head to the bathroom to change. After, as I am washing my face, I hear the bedroom door open and I think that maybe it is Kelley coming to say goodnight or apologize. When I come out, Tobin’s just walking back into the room. 

“I got you a water bottle, aspirin, and half of a PB and J sandwich; I don’t need a hung over Alex to deal with tomorrow.” She smiles teasingly.  


“You’re too good to me Tobin.” I say grabbing the aspirin and water first.

“What’s a best friend for right?” She replies with that goofy grin of hers.

“Maybe you could teach Kelley a thing or two about treating a girl right.” I slur it without realizing what’s coming out of my mouth. 

I see something pass through Tobin's eyes. "Yeah I'll get on that." she says.

"Tobin."

For almost six months now Tobin and I have been teetering on a very thin line. 

"It's fine Alex." 

"No it's not Tobin." I move closer placing my hand on her wrist and Tobin jerks slightly and I know our sudden contact isn’t what Tobin wants and that what I'm about to say next, she wants even less. "I'm sorry Tobin for that night for everything."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for Alex." she mumbles making sure not to make eye contact. 

"I'm your friend Tobin. I should not have reacted the way I did. You didn't deserve that." I look around the room searching for the right words and then my eyes land back on her. "I want you to be happy... I want you to find someone that can actually do that for you.  


“Alex," Tobin chokes out.

“Tobs, you just deserve better than what you've settled for.” I couldn’t stop, the words just kept coming. 

As the conversation goes on, I can feel the heat in my face and the knot in my stomach as Tobin moves in closer. 

I find myself edging closer now... I can see myself standing on that invisible line. “I love you, Tobin. You..."

I'm stopped mid sentence by Tobin's lips crashing into mine.

I inhaled a sharp breath, perhaps out of surprise and then I froze. Was this really happening? My heart was hammering harder and faster than ever before.

It’s hard to pinpoint when I started thinking about this. It was a little foggy, extremely complicated and had been played over and over again in my mind for the last six months but the one thing I was sure of was how I had greatly underestimated how quickly this would escalate.

I can feel Tobin hold the back of my neck with one hand, the other on my bicep.

"Alex." I hear Tobin whisper as her hand pulls at the drawstring of my sweats. 

She kisses me slowly and suddenly I'm kissing her back. All the anger I felt towards Kelley I’m taking out on Tobin’s kiss. The exhilaration that is spreading through my body is unfamiliar but a feeling I welcome. Suddenly we're not just teetering over that line anymore, we have definitely crossed it.

*

My head is not pounding like I thought it was going to but I definitely must have drunk too much last night because my memories are foggy. I look around the room and realize Tobin’s bed is not only empty but made as well. My chest tightens as the memory of some of last night’s events come crashing back.

Suddenly there's a loud knocking on the door that causes me to jump. "Hold on!" I yell abruptly as I stumble out of bed and around the room trying to put my clothes on as quickly as I can. Once I get the door open Kelley's arm pops into the room waving what looks to be a white pillow case. 

I back up and Kelley, adorable as ever, makes her way into the room cautiously towards me holding a bagel and some orange juice in her other hand.

Despite everything that had happened I can't help but smile at the girl in front of me. "Hey Kell." 

"I brought you some breakfast." she says as she sits on the edge of the bed. "I know you are not happy with me right now and you have every right to be." she looks so guilty and I feel like I want to cry.

"I just want to apologize for last night Alex, I didn’t mean to not pay any attention to you." 

If anyone needed to apologize for their previous nights actions it was me. "Kell." 

Kelley interrupts me quickly, wanting to keep this on track. "I was just really bummed because of my ankle and not being able to play.” I can tell that Kelley feels bad and it makes me feel that much guiltier. I don’t want to say anything until I talk to Tobin.

“It’s okay Kell, I understand. I know you were bummed you couldn’t play and wanted to celebrate with the team.”

She smiles knowing I’m no longer mad at her, "So truce then?"

"Truce." I smile back.

“Well to apologize for pulling a Lindsay Lohan last night, I have planned a whole day for us! Now eat your breakfast, get ready and I will meet you back here in an hour!” She kisses me and leaves the room as Tobin is walking in.

*

Once the door is closed I look at Tobin to see her fidgeting with her hands.

“Tobin we need to talk about last night.”

“Lex last night was a monumental mistake and it shouldn’t have happened. There was too much alcohol involved and I think that we should really forget about it.” She says it all so fast that I could barely comprehend it.

“What about Kelley? What am I suppose to say to Kelley?” I say feeling that aching in my chest again.

“Don’t tell Kelley. It was like I said a huge mistake and it’s not like it changes anything between any of us,” She looks up at me and continues, "We don’t need to hurt Kelley over something that should’ve never happened. I think we just need to forget about it.”

“Yeah, you’re right it was a mistake and it won’t happen again.”

*

I try to shake the memory as I walk into the kitchen of our apartment and Tobin is there, tea made and cooking over the stove. Her hair is in a messy bun and she’s wearing one of my Cal soccer tee shirts because she knows I love when she wears my clothes. She must have heard me come in because she turns around and smiles at me with that permanent tired smile.

“Good morning Lex!” She says as she kisses me, “I’m making pancakes.” 

“They smell amazing, I’m starving.” As I wrap my arms around her waist.

“How was your run? You left pretty early this morning.”

“How would you know? You were snoring away when I left.” I tease.

She gives me an exasperated look and scoffs, “Yeah right, I don’t snore. You’re the one who sounds like a bulldozer terrorizing the city.”

I push her playfully, “You’re a jerk.”

Her goofy smile is in full effect as she hands me a plate of pancakes and a bowl of freshly cut up fruit. 

“Eat up babe.” She says as she kisses my forehead and sits down to eat.

“So what are you doing today?” I ask once I start eating.

“Chen wants to learn to surf so I’m going to take her today.”

I laugh, “Cheney wants to surf? That should be fun. Tell her not to hurt herself, we can’t have her getting injured, we have important games coming up for the Thorns.”

“I will let her know you told her to take it easy. I wouldn’t want her to pull a Morgan and wipe out every second.” Tobin laughs, probably thinking about Cheney wiping out on a board.

“I did not wipe out every second Tobin I just didn’t want to outshine you in another thing. I have to preserve some of your ego.” I say challenging her teasing.

She starts to full out laugh, “Whatever you say, Tetherball Queen.”

I smiled at the joke and moved on to what really needs to be discussed.

“Don’t forget Kelley comes today." I try to evaluate Tobin's mood before I continue, "She's going to call me once they get to the hotel and the team is settled in so I can pick her up and then we're all meeting back here for dinner.”

I can tell Tobin wants to say something as she continues to stare at her plate and not make eye contact with me. After a long silence she finally speaks her mind about what’s been bothering her, “I think we should tell Kelley about us.”

“Tobin, you know we can’t do that.”

“Why can’t we tell her Alex? We’ve been doing this for a few months now and I think it’s only fair that we tell her.”

“It’s not that easy Tobin and you know that. We’ve discussed this before and I’m not ready.”

“Are you ever going to be ready Alex?” She says and I can hear the sadness and frustration in her voice.

I suddenly feel my stomach knot up. I get frustrated because Tobin doesn’t seem to understand where I'm coming from and the weight that I’ve been carrying over this. If I tell Kelley I hurt her and if I don’t tell Kelley then I hurt Tobin.

“Do you get how hard this is for me? No matter what I do someone gets hurt and not to mention the fact that we will both lose Kelley.” I raise my voice letting my anger show. “She’s your best friend, Tobin."

As the words leave my mouth I instantly see the pain flash through Tobin’s eyes. “I am just so sick of sneaking around and having to share you.” Tobin’s voice is soft and I see how much she is hurting.

I soften my voice, “I promise we will tell her eventually but for now can you please be patient for me?” 

Tobin looks up at me to make eye contact and after several minutes it seems like Tobin finds what she’s looking for because she finally agrees that we shouldn’t do it. I pull her in for a hug and I already feel relaxed. Tobin has a calming effect over me that I have never felt with anyone before. It’s like physically, she makes my body relax and my mind slow down at the same time. I can feel myself unwind under her touch as her body reciprocates mine.

Tobin wraps her arms tighter around as her fingers tangle up in the fabric of my shirt. “I love you Alex.” she says with such honesty that I feel my mind swirl.

Before I know what I'm doing, our lips are colliding in a blazing kiss. In that moment I can feel the tension in my body release. Tobin pulls away for a moment, I feel her eyes searing into me. We both fight to steady our breathing.

I didn’t have time to take in another breathe before she had my back on the table, her body pressing into me. 

Tobin covered the pulsing vein in my neck with her lips and my mind was in over drive. Everything, every touch, every sensation, was Tobin.

My hands slid over Tobin's back and under her shirt; Tobin, moving faster and more desperately, tugged my shirt so hard that I was sure if I didn't help she was going to end up tearing it. Seconds later, we were both half naked and sprawled out on the kitchen table.  


Tobin showed no signs of slowing and as her hands found my waistband a realization comes over me.

“Tobin, I have to shower! I just got back from a run and I’m gross.”

I feel Tobin chuckle against my collarbone and when she lifts her head to look at me she flashes her killer smile at me. “We can work with that.” 

She effortlessly picks me up and carries me off to the bathroom. Once she puts me down, we pick up right where we left off. She kisses down over my bare chest as her hands move across my abs before her fingers are sliding into my shorts. Her mouth stopped at the top of my stomach teasing me momentarily before continuing her trail of kisses down to my hipbone.

I feel Tobin's free hand entwine with my fingers guiding my hand to her own waistband. I pull her sweatpants down over her legs and she kicks them aside hastily.

Once her skin was bare, she pulled us into the shower. Cheek to cheek I could feel Tobin's fingers working skillfully along my body as she whispered breathlessly, “You are beautiful Alex.”

She continued to glide her fingers in the same patterns.

We moved in fluid unity, gasping and sighing, but there was no doubt that it was Tobin who controlled the pace this morning.  


With my free hand, I clutched at the back of Tobin's neck keeping us cheek to cheek, feeling dependent on this closeness. Our speed grew and I felt Tobin pull away just enough for me to be able watch as her eyes glazed over and grew unfocused.

And then the moment passed and Tobin's eyes squeezed and her back arched until she was pressed fully against me, letting out a loud moan, she was so close.

This was the only thing I had for sure right now.

*

Once we were out of the shower and had gotten dressed, I felt Tobin's arms slide along my waist.

She lets go of me and for a second I see that same look flash in her eyes that I just haven't been able to pinpoint, but I ignore it and finish getting ready in silence. Suddenly I feel that same familiar knot in my stomach. The one I have come accustomed to these last few months. 

I'm abruptly pulled out of my thoughts by my phone ringing. 

'You're a part time lover and a full time friend  
The monkey on your back is the latest trend  
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else  
But you.'

I feel my heart drop to my stomach the moment I hear Kelley and I's song and I don't dare meet Tobin's stare.

'Here is the church and here is the steeple  
We sure are cute for two ugly people  
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else  
But you.' 

"Tobin..." 

'We both have shiny happy fits of rage  
You want more fans, I want more stage  
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else  
But you.'

"Just answer it Alex." Tobin gets up and leaves the room.

'You are always trying to keep it real  
I'm in love with how you feel  
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else  
But you.'

I shake my head. There it is again, that same familiar feeling that had me wide awake this morning. I can never quite place it but it seems to be a permanent fixture lately. "Hello." I say finally answering the call.

“Good morning, Girlfriend!” Kelley’s voice rings through the telephone. "We're leaving Seattle now, so I'll be seeing you soon."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelleys insight into the past

"Alexandra Patricia Morgan!" I yell as I burst into our hotel room to find Alex on the ground. "What are you doing on the floor?" I was confused at seeing Alex just hanging out on the floor.

“Trying to hide from you." she responds smugly. 

"Now why would you want to do something like that?" I asked as I feigned hurt, placing my hand over my heart. 

“Maybe because you're such a bore to be around?" she smirks.

“Well it’s a good thing I’m pretty then." I dramatically sigh.

Alex laughs and my heart melts at how cute and raspy it is.

“Oh, any chance to boost your ego, O’Hara.”

Laughing at Alex’s cooperation I can’t help myself, "Keep the compliments coming babe." 

“I wouldn’t want to do that; you might get a big head." Alex comments as she rubs her elbow. "Plus you're not THAT pretty.” Alex says trying to keep a straight face.

"Oh, really? Well from what I hear that’s not what you told Syd last night!” I wink knowing it’s going to make Alex turn a shade of red.

"She didn't..."Alex said incredulously. 

"Oh yes she did." I grin, "It's perfectly understandable that you feel that way, I do have good genes."

“Is that so?"

“Please. Look at this face.” I say circling a finger around my face, "I'm adorable." I smirk a little before I continue, "And if I remember correctly, Syd also informed me that you said my freckles are..."

I see Alex's eyes grow and her whole face turn bright red, "Do not finish that sentence O'Hara!" she screeches.

"Perfectly placed masterpieces over my body." I say as I dodge her hand.

I pretend to start walking across a room like a runway model, dramatically turning and walking back towards Alex. I stop and lean back against the bedroom wall and give Alex a winning smile.

Alex groans at listening to me talk about myself, “How did I get so lucky to be graced in this life with such a divine beauty?” She says sarcastically.

I motion to my shoulder and start to dust it off. "That's what I th...” As I was trying to compliment myself again I was cut off and pulled to the floor by my ankle. 

"What was that for?" I yell half shouting and laughing.

"I had to knock you off that high horse of yours." Alex grinned before rolling herself on top of me and leaning down to place a kiss on my lips. "Now that I've got you back on my level." she kisses me again, "Why did you come barging into our room hollering my name and scaring me half to death?"

"Well, someone happened to score her first international goal today." I grinned remembering why I originally had come in earlier in an exciting storm, "And I feel we are in need of a celebration!"

"What did you have in mind?" Alex raised her brow like she was afraid of what I had in store.

I couldn’t contain my excitement, "A jailbreak!" 

"Wha..." As Alex was too busy trying figure out if she had heard me correctly, I took advantage of the situation and flipped us over so I was now on top. 

"You and I are breaking out of here Morgan." I laugh.

There was simplicity to our relationship and in moments like this one I always asked myself why I didn’t just make the move to ask Alex to officially be my girlfriend. Yeah sure we had gone on dates and were for the most part together but neither of us had made the move to make it official. Alex was younger though and had never had a serious relationship with a girl before and I had to remind myself not to push it. She would be ready on her own terms. After months though, it seemed to me like Alex was never going to ask. 

Shifting slightly, Alex opened her eyes and I felt them pierce through me. I felt her gaze on me and my face burned. "I love the speck of green in your eyes, Kell." she murmurs. She could see every detail of my face at this angle, from every freckle that scattered my face to the nearly invisible scar just below my right brow that her thumb was now brushing over. I had gotten it from going up for a header in high school and being on the losing end. Smiling she pulled me down without breaking our eye contact. 

Alex’s fingers wrapped around the back of my neck as she kissed me. I slowly slide my hand down her leg and she let out a moan that caused me to pull away, I wasn't sure how ready we were for this. Alex's closeness however made it very hard for me, my head was spinning.

“Kelley.” I felt my heartbeat quicken as Alex whispers my name. "Is everything okay?" she asks.

I simply nod in reply and angle my head down to kiss her again.

Our once innocent kisses quickly turned heated and I felt Alex's hand find its way to my sides as her tongue brushed against my lips. I opened my mouth as my hands slid up Alex's back and for a moment I just stopped thinking.

That was until I felt Alex's body stiffen under my own. Only then did I realize how far my hand had traveled south. I quickly pulled away, flushing at the realization of what I had just done.

I couldn’t even look Alex in the eye as I spoke. "Alex, I didn't mean to..."

Alex laughed slightly her blue orbs meeting mine, "It's okay Kelley." she practically whispered, her voice was raspy and heavy.

I just nod and look around the room, “You ready to make a break for it?” I ask quickly trying to change the mood in the room.

“Yeah," Alex’s hand found mine between our bodies. "I'm ready."

I smile and stand up bringing her with me.

*

The sun was just starting to set and the sky was a beautiful mixture of blues, pinks, purples, and oranges. The sky alone could take anyone’s breath away as we walked along the cobble path ways that led through Pueblo, Mexico. The buildings that we passed were rustic and brightly colored. As we walked along the busy part of the city, soaking in the scenery we came to an opening where there was a swarm of people. We weaved through the crowd trying to get to the source of the commotion and I felt Alex grab hold of my hand. When we had finally gotten to the front, there was a live band playing authentic Spanish music and dancers gracefully moving to the rhythm.

I couldn't contain my smile knowing how embarrassed Alex was about to be when I ask her, “Care to dance Alex?”

"No, no way." Alex shook her head, firmly rooted to her spot.

I swiftly made my way over to the men playing in the band, smiling widely as I watched the expression on Alex's face when I pointed to her.

Soon the men are standing up and saying something to the crowd of people. The hoots and hollers from the crowd were enough for Alex to piece together what I had done.

"They love you already." I say as I looked around at the enthusiastic people who seemed as eager as I was to get Alex out there dancing.

"Since when did you know how to speak Spanish!?" she scoffs.

"I took it in high school." I grin. 

“Kelley we don’t know how to dance to this music!” Alex protested over the loud music still playing.

I laughed that Alex might actually be serious. I knew that all she needed was an extra push.

"Come on, Alex." I pinned my teammate with a challenging stare. "Take a walk on the wild side."

At that Alex gave in, walking up towards me with more than a little swagger in her step. "I'm so going to get you back for this."

It was too late though, I had made up my mind and was already pulling her to the center of the dance floor.

I wrapped my arm around Alex’s waist and grabbed Alex’s hand with my free one. “Don’t worry, I’ll lead.” 

This seemed to be the slogan of our relationship because I was always the one to lead in most cases. Alex was the thoughtful type with things, stuck in her head a lot while I have always been more of a free spirited, doing things without thinking twice about it kind of person. At least for tonight, I’m trying to break her of it. 

We start moving to the music and it’s like her and I have done this before. Her laughter makes my heart swell and it was all the go-ahead I needed before spinning her around in a circle and weaving in and out of the other dancers. Soon enough Alex and I both get lost in the music and even start to dance with some of the older locals. I can’t help but smile and watch Alex as she follows her partner, stumbling over some of the dance moves. Lost in the sight of Alex laughing with this older man, trying to dance to their natural music, all I want to do is hold her. 

*

Once we had worked up an appetite and our legs could no longer move, we said goodbye to the couples that we had met and went in search for food. 

“That was so much fun.” Alex beamed as she entwined our fingers. "Thank you, Kelley."

"Anything for you, babe." I reciprocate the excitement teasing her, “Who could have guessed you would be so graceful.”

“Well we both know I’m extremely poised, I mean look at the first time we met." she flashes the sweetest smile at me, "I tackled you to the ground twice with nothing but grace.” Alex jokes remembering their meeting.

“We both know you did that purposely," I counter. "Trying to catch my attention Ms. Morgan."

“I had to get you to remember me somehow.” Alex looks down smiling and my whole body responds to that smile.

“It would be hard to forget you.” I say as I lean in for a short kiss.

We finally find a small stand that has authentic Mexican food. We both order the fish tacos and sit down at a small table excluding them from all the people walking by. 

“This food is to die for.” I say stuffing my mouth with a huge chunk of my taco.

Alex laughs, “You get excited over the smallest things Kelley.”

"It's a new thing I'm starting, living life to the fullest." I grin and elbow Alex recalling our earlier banter in the hotel room, "Don't want to lose you over being such a bore." 

Alex becomes consumed in her thoughts and I notice that Alex seems to be struggling internally with something.

“What’s wrong?” I said concerned and Alex must’ve noticed the concern in my features.

I find myself being sucked into Alex’s light blue eyes and I swear I can feel my quickening heartbeat in my ears. 

Before I can say anything Alex beats me to it, “I’m ready.”

I’m a little taken back by Alex’s statement and for the first time in pretty much my whole life I'm rendered speechless, so Alex continues.

"When I was in high school and trying to talk myself into being interested in boys, I would look for guys like you."

I let out a laugh at the absurdity of Alex's admission, not quite believing it. "Like me how?"

"Someone that would sneak us out of hotels, roam the streets of foreign places, eat foods from different cultures. The kind that would pull me out on a dance floor and convince me to have fun when I would never do that on my own." she puts her hand in mine.

"What I am trying to say here Kelley, is that I’m ready for this. I’m ready for us... I want to be with you." I can feel her legs bouncing nervously under the table as she speaks. "What I’m really trying to say and what I’ve wanted to say for awhile is..." she pauses and I feel my heart in my throat.

"Will you... would you want to be my girlfriend, Kelley?” 

She looked almost scared like she actually didn’t know my answer, “It took you long enough.” I say as the relief floods over my body and I smile pulling her into a kiss. 

*

“Kelley!” 

“Kelley!”

“Kelley Maureen O'Hara!”

I’m pulled out of my head and back onto the bus by my Seattle Reign teammates screaming my name at me.

“Kelley what is wrong with you?” Christen Press asks as she eyes me oddly.

“I think she got hit on the head a little too hard during that last game.” Megan Rapinoe laughs as she ruffles my hair.

“Oh she’s just excited to see Alex.” Ali Riley mocks me as my face turns beet red and I give her a slight shove with my shoulder.

They all start making aw and cooing noises at me.

I can’t help but laugh at their obnoxious sounds, “Shut up guys.”

Megan pretends to be horrified, “I think we have a rabid squirrel on the bus, she’s getting hostile!”

Their whole corner of the bus bursts out laughing and I try to pretend to be serious but fail at it.

“Leave me alone guys, you’re more annoying then Canada’s fans.” I sternly say but having a hard time hiding my smile.

That remark got a bunch of responses of “whoa” and “oh’s”.

“I didn’t realize you thought so highly of me, Kelley! I’m flattered that you think I’m so classy.” Megan says in a fake sincere voice. 

“You’re too American for me, Megan. Now go away!” I say pushing her off the back of my seat. 

“You heard, Officer KO, let her get back to day dreaming about her one true love.” Ali says dramatically.

My laughter quickly fades as the anxious feelings taking over when I realize how much closer I’m getting to Alex. It’s been a couple months since I’ve seen Alex and my stomach is filling with butterflies at the thought of being together again. We’ve both been so busy on our NWSL teams and with other endorsements that we’ve had to do, there has been very little time for us. I sit back in my seat feeling bad about not putting my more effort into our relationship lately. I had a lot if making it up to her to do. I’m just happy that Tobin has been in Portland to keep Alex company. 

Megan taps me on the shoulder and gives me a knowing smile, “Looks like your day dreaming is about to be real life."

I look up just in time to see a sign to the right and in big green and red letters it says, "Welcome to Portland Oregon Old Town."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley visits Alex and Tobin and things begin to unravel.

I couldn’t sit in the apartment any longer so I decided to drive to the hotel and wait for Kelley to arrive. 

By the time I got to the hotel I was nervous. Like first date nervous. My anxiety over Tobin and Kelley was rapidly building as the minutes ticked by.

The last time I saw Kelley was three months ago. I shifted anxiously in my spot as I waited for the bus to arrive. I stand there shuffling my weight from one foot to the other as I continue to wait in apprehensive silence, occasionally peering down at my watch. She would be here any minute now.

I’m standing in the hotel lobby, thankful for the security outside the doors. I can see a few yards away a bus coming to a stop, which pulls me from my thoughts. Adjusting my hat, I glance toward the crowd that’s accumulated, and it’s a mixture of screaming soccer fans and media that thankfully had not noticed me come into the hotel.

The sight of the door to the bus opening causes me to unconsciously take a step forward with one foot until I'm remembering the amount of fans outside, causing me to stop immediately.

I stare out the doors as Kelley comes into view, stepping out onto the ground, and my heart leaps into my throat. She looks different, changed. 

When the sounds of merriment from the fans hit her ears, a grin stretches from one side of her face to the other and I'm happy to see that her smile has not changed.

Only seconds later, Kelley is nearly knocked to the ground as the young girls scream and fight for her autograph. That does not stop her from cracking a few jokes with the over, zealous fans and signing as many things as she can before being led off.

She speaks to a news crew quickly and once they break apart, Kelley turns her face in my direction and stills. I'm vaguely aware of the fact that the people in the crowd have now spotted me and the cameras that are flashing around me as security move people back quickly forming an open pathway between us. Kelley is walking into the hotel leaving the fans and news crews behind her. 

She looks up at me, and our eyes meet, and it's not until my feet are moving at an alarming rate that I feel the tears on my face.

Suddenly, my arms are around Kelley's neck and hers are encircling my waist tightly. When we finally pull apart, just enough to look at each other's faces, Kelley's smile causes my stomach to do flips. She rests her forehead on mine. "Don't cry babe." she blurts out. "I have missed you so much." 

Before I can stop myself, I say the first words that pop into my mind.

"It's been three months Kelley."

Kelley's mouth pulls up on one side, and she moves back, bringing her hands in her own.

"Well, I'm here now and I won't let that happen again, I promise Alex."

Ali Riley stops and turns to face us. "Why don't you two just make out for the cameras while you're at it?" She smiles while teasing us. "Good to see you Morgan."

"Good to see you too Ali." I say as I give her a playful shove for the comment.

I can hear Megan Rapinoe's laugh from behind me, and feel her fingers clutch my shoulder.

"What's this bullshit Morgan? I thought you were just coming to see me? I don't even get a 'Hey Pinoe, nice to see you?'" 

The older woman's smile is contagious and I'm incapable of stopping my arms as they reach out to pull her into a hug.

*

My eyes betray me as I sneak another glance at her. She grins back at me as I pull out of the parking lot and into traffic.

I realized something suddenly, that I want to kiss Kelley, maybe even to do more than kiss Kelley.

We have only been apart for a few months but it's felt like forever to me. I think back to the last time that I saw her; in person, not broadcasted nation-wide on television or over Skype on my computer screen.

My mind flashes back to this morning and I felt my face burn. There was no denying how deep I had gotten myself. So what now? I was physically and emotionally attached to two women, who also happened to be best friends. 

I shift uneasily in my seat. It took longer than I expected for the guilt to creep up on me.

Kelley noticed my silence as we drove, her hazel eyes looking over to me in the dark light of the car.

"You alright babe?"

I nodded, giving her a small smile. "Just jitters."

She laughed and pounded her hand on her lap. "You too? Okay good, then it's not just me." 

"No, it's not." I laughed nervously.

We pulled into the grocery store parking lot a few minutes later and I sighed as I put the car in park, killing the engine.

"Look, let's just have a relaxing day and have fun, okay?" she holds out her hand and I take it graciously. "Let’s not make this like this is our first date again." she jokes.

I pretended to scoff and gave her shoulder a playful push as she laughed like a little kid. 

"You always have to bring that up don't you, Kell." 

"I will never let you forget it. That's for sure." She replies glancing over at me and biting back a smile before squeezing her palm against mine. 

It felt so nice to just be with Kelley, feeling her hand in mine.

Kelley let go of my hand as she gets out of the car. She comes over to my side and opens the door and bows dramatically. 

She once again takes my hand, “Shall we?” she has that smug look on her face. Maybe she still is the same Kelley. 

*

Kelley watches me with her kind, expressive hazel eyes as I tell her about the new campaign Nike wants me to help launch. "That's great Alex." She trails off. "I'm really proud of you."

I know she's happy for me but I can't help but hear the hesitation in her voice, however I choose not to push it.

She finally lifts her eyes back to mine and takes a step closer. "How about we start cooking?" 

I nod happily.

I sat down in the living room and watched as she gathered together everything she would need to make her mouthwatering masterpiece in the kitchen.

"I'm gonna get so fat with you being here these next few days." I laugh.

Kelley only laughed "You act like your job doesn't require you to workout for a living. Besides, I can't help that I am such a great cook." she playfully winks at me. 

I wrinkled my nose a little. "Well let me sit back and watch the master work."

"Come on Alex, you can at least help me make the rolls." 

"I'm just going to end up messing it up Kell, its best if I leave this up to you."

Kelley laughed and reached over to grab my hand. "You can't mess up bread."

I snorted. "Then you don't know me as well as you claim you do, O'Hara."

"Okay, maybe you could mess up bread." She says putting emphasis on the ‘you’, "But I'll be right there to make sure you don't." 

She gives me her best puppy dog eyes and I break. She smiles knowingly at me and I grip her hand and let her pull me into the kitchen.

After washing up, Kelley deemed me ready to bake. She gave me the responsibility of measuring out the ingredients for the rolls for dinner. I filled up each measuring cups with all of the dry and wet ingredients with their correct amounts and had them lined up in front of the mixer for her. She added the ingredients to the yeast that’s been setting up in the warm water. We stood there, watching the ingredients fold together, and it was actually relaxing.

"I love you, Alex." she says quietly. 

I shifted, surprised by the statement. "I love you too Kelley." 

After we let the dough rise, Kelley floured the surface of the counter and threw the dough onto the counter. She coated her hands with flour, and sprinkled a little more over the top, and begins to knead the dough. I watched with fascination as she began to mold and beat the dough. Her movements accentuated her strong forearms and it made me think of them wrapped around me.

Her voice cuts through the silence, "I like to do it the old fashioned way," she explains. 

I unconsciously started to close the space between us, wanting to become reacquainted with Kelley's arms.

"Did you want to learn?" she asked brightly, brushing the hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand, trying to not get flour on her face.

“Um, what?” I was so distracted that I didn’t know what the question was.

"Do you want to learn how to knead the dough? You keep watching me do it…so did you want to learn?"

I hadn’t realized how closely I was watching her until now.

"Um, sure," I said stupidly, brushing my hair back again. 

I wiped my hands on my apron before moving slowly to stand where she was. Kelley laughed as she grabbed my hips and placed me squarely between the counter and herself. The touch of her hands seemed to sear into my skin, heat was rolling off her body in waves. I felt myself react to her simple touch, and our contact ended too soon as she coated her hands with more flour.

"Coat your hands so that it doesn't stick." She instructs. 

Kelley closed the gap between us as she pressed herself into my back. Her hands found mine and she spoke into my ear, and I couldn’t help but tilt my head towards her. I don’t think my body was suppose to be responding this way to something so innocent, but I felt like my senses were suddenly in overdrive.

"Now let’s get started, just dive in. Like this," she explained, reaching around in front of me. 

Her hands moved easily as they began to knead the dough into quick, neat little shapes. I watched her do this for a few minutes, my mind struggling to work properly with her standing right behind me. 

"You try." she said quietly, her lips barely brushing the shell of my ear.

I tried to hide the shudder that ran through my body, at the hot breath against my ear.

I swallowed roughly and tried to follow her lead, but it was a lot harder than she made it look. My hands were unpracticed and clumsy as I tried to mimic her moves, but fell terribly short. She laughs to herself, the feeling reverberating against my back. I squeezed my eyes closed for a second and tried to remain composed. 

"I'll help you." she said quietly, placing her hands on mine. 

Our fingers intertwined as she slowly plunged my hands along with her own into the mound of dough. The warm mixture greeted my floured hands as Kelley pressed them against it.

"Then flatten it, curve it around into a ball…now punch it down." She coached softly. 

My mouth felt like sandpaper as I tried to control the pleasurable feeling that would shoot down my spine each time she spoke against my ear.

We both took a shaky breath. "That um looks good."

"Yeah." I agreed, my mind not being able to form comprehensible sentences.

It was quiet for a moment as she exhaled a warm breath against my neck. I heard her lips part as she laughed sweetly, her throaty chuckle effectively messing even more with my head.

“Are you as turned on as I am right now?" she asks.

I gulped. "You have no idea." 

A slow smile spread across her face that seemed to light up the room. I felt pretty good to have contributed to that, to be honest.

"I have a pretty good idea." she admitted in a low, husky voice. 

We remained there against the counter for what seemed like ages and only seconds at the same time. I felt her breath against the exposed side of my neck, making me happy that I had put my hair up before. Slowly she lowered her lips to my exposed neck. The contact making me shudder in response as her warm mouth left a long, lingering kiss against my neck.

Her lips seemed to burn against my skin, my head fell back against her shoulder and she took that as an invitation to kiss me again. She hummed against my neck as her lips dragged upwards, brushing lightly against my earlobe. I chewed my lip and felt my eyes flutter closed on their own accord. I could feel her hot, shaky breath against my skin as she continued her work and I didn't think I could keep on breathing if she stopped now.

The question of “should I stop her?” rang through my mind and I knew the answer was yes.

My knees quaked slightly and Kelley answered by pinning me closer to the counter with her hips as she continued kissing the tender spot behind my ear. Another excruciatingly wonderful jolt of pleasure shot up my spine and radiated out to my fingertips and toes as she worked. 

My mind was screaming at me that I should stop, that we should stop.

I took a deep breath and looked over my shoulder. My peripheral vision caught Kelley's eye and she gave me a tiny smile. "Hi."

She ran a hand through her disheveled hair and laughed nervously.

I grinned. "Hi." 

I had forgotten the way her hazel eyes sparkled and her smile created wrinkles at the corner of her eyes. How easily she could give me butterflies just by a simple smile. Kelley was a good person, though and through and she always knew how to make me happy. And despite what I had been trying to tell myself these last couple of months, my feelings for her were still there and just as strong as ever.

I swallowed hard as she spun me around, and suddenly she was directly in front of me. She was so close I could smell the traces of sugar and flour that had lingered on her. 

"I really missed you, Kelley." I added without thinking. 

Kelley froze slightly for a second as she watched my face. Then she nodded cheerfully, a small smile dancing faintly on her lips. 

Then her eyes got a faraway look as she added softly, "I really missed you too."

I grabbed her hands and wound my fingers in-between hers, craving closeness with her. "Is something wrong?" I ask her.

"If something was going on with you, you would talk to me about it...right?" She asked as she focused on anything but me. 

My voice was rushed and shaky as I spoke. "Of course Kelley." I felt my stomach sink.

Kelley was too trusting and she nods saying nothing else.

With my guilt eating at me, my shoulders slump and Kelley lifts her head to look at me with curiosity.

"You’re happy right? Like we’re okay?" she says and I can see it’s been bothering her.

I see her bottom lip begin to tremble. I go to respond but she’s already decided to continue and tell me what she’s been thinking.

"I just have...I mean we both have just been so busy since the season started, but that's not an excuse and I know that Alex. I know that.”

Her cheeks had grown pink with emotion as she spoke, moving her hands along with her words as they seemed to just pour endlessly from her mouth. It was obvious that this had been bothering her for awhile now. 

"I mean the reason I chose The Reign over staying with Sky Blue was so we could be closer, but we see less of each other now only being three hours away than we did when we were on separate sides of the country." 

She sniffed and looked away so I lightly grab her chin to pull it towards me and when I meet her gaze I see that she was close to crying.

"Kelley," I said softly. 

My heart suddenly felt like it could shatter into a million little pieces. I reached over and threw my arms around her middle, pulling her close to my body in a tight hug. She sniffed again and hugged me back so tight I lost my ability to breathe for a moment. I felt safe again and I wanted to comfort her more than anything. 

"It's okay," I whispered softly. "It's going to be alright, Kelley. We'll get through this." I say as I bite my lip and try to sound as sincere as I can.

I felt her body shudder as my words resounded with her and I could feel her tighten her arms around me, grabbing the soft material of my shirt in her hands. 

"Are you sure?" She asked between tears.

I stared at her, my heart racing in my chest. I sucked in a violent breath as my lungs started to constrict, tears burned against my eyes.

I cleared my throat. "I am," I replied slowly, kissing the top of her head.

Her nose was against the soft material of my shirt, her fingers playing with the buttons. 

"This is just another test Lex, but we are going to come out stronger, we always do. We cannot give up on us, what we have is worth so much." Kelley's words echoed in my ear.

I couldn’t help but let the tears spill from my eyes.

"I love you, Kelley Maureen O'Hara." I confess, reaching up and wiping the flour off of her nose.

She laughed and blushed harder. "I'm a crier." she admitted. 

"It's okay. You just got misty; it's allowed." I whispered. 

When we finally collected ourselves, I offered Kelley one last tight hug. The rest of the world had disappeared and in that moment I felt like I never wanted to leave the comfort of her arms, not caring about anything else in the world. The front of my shirt was soaked, but I didn't mind.

I ran my fingertips across her forehead, brushing the strands of hair away from her eyes. 

"Better?"

She nodded, "I'm sorry." Her eyes searched mine sympathetically.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Kelley." I say meekly.

She gave me a charming little shrug. "Alex." she said softly.

"Yes Kelley?" 

"I love you too." She grinned and my grin soon mirrored hers.

*

"So do we really have to get in the water?"

I smiled at Lauren as I handed her my old board. "You can't learn to surf if you never get in the water."

She chewed her lip and nervously clutched the board against her chest as we walked down the beach. When Lauren had asked me to teach her to surf, I had jumped at the chance to get out of the apartment. I did not want to face Kelley. So why not get some exercise and have someone to talk to?

"Like this?" she asks 

"Yeah, like that," I laughed. "You're doing great Cheney."

The warm water felt nice as I continued to laugh and work with my friend. If anything it might take my mind off of Alex and everything that had been said this morning, it was this.

“Oh! Cheney are you okay?” I can’t contain my laughter as I see Lauren take another spill off her surfboard and hit the water with a loud thud.

“Why did I ever agree to this?” Lauren groans once she resurfaces, looking frustrated and like she’s about to give up on the lesson.

“Don’t worry dude you just have to wait for the perfect wave.” I tell her from experience that with surfing patience is the key. 

"I should have just stuck to soccer." she said in a low voice. 

"Just do what you can do and try your best," I laughed. "You're not being graded, Chendog. If Alex can do this, so can you." I say gently.

“Speaking of Kelley, she is coming into today right?” Lauren hesitantly asks knowing it’s a sore subject at the moment.

“Pretty sure we weren’t speaking of Kelley but yeah, her and Alex are together right now actually.” I try not to portray on my face the pain that I feel. "She left awhile ago to meet her."

Lauren knows me better than that though and she knows how I feel about Kelley being here.

“Did you talk to Alex like I told you to? You know about asking her if you guys are going to tell Kelley.”

I breathe in letting the aroma of the ocean help ease the tension I feel from today’s earlier conversation and how Alex looked so scared when I asked if we could tell Kelley.

“She said she’s not ready.” I say simply not knowing what else to say.

I can tell by Lauren’s features that she’s displeased with my answer.

“Tobin no one is ever ready to tell someone something like that but it’s so unfair to Kelley to keep sneaking around behind her back.” Her voice is full of disapproval as she does her best to get her point across to me. 

“I tried Chen. Alex isn’t ready and I can’t pressure her into doing something that she doesn’t want to do.”

“Honestly Tobin, this seems to be a constant trend in your relationship." 

“And what do you suggest I do Lauren?”

“I think you should stop letting Alex have both of you and finally make her choose." her stare is intense as she speaks, "She is being unbelievably selfish Tobin and if you ask me, I don't think she deserves either of you." I feel the sting of her words.

"So I take it you're on your own today then?" she continues as she tries to ease the blow of her words.

"Yeah, I don't really want to be there just hangin' out at the apartment with them, you know. " I admitted. "Sad, right?"

"Yeah I get you."

"How is Jrue by the way?"

Lauren grinned. "He's good. You still want to come to his game with me in a few weeks?"

"Yeah, totally. I'd love to see it. Not very often I get a dose something other than soccer."

"Tobs."

"Yeah Chen?"

"I just care about you." Her eyes are sympathetic. "I might not always like what you are doing, but I am here even if it is just to listen and be there for you rather than tell you how you should feel or act."

I nodded, suddenly feeling a burning in the back of my throat as I fought the urge to not cry. "Thank you, Cheney. That means a lot to me."

I lean back on my board and just let the waves move me as I think back to the first time I ever went to Lauren about Alex. 

 

*

"I'm in love with her Cheney." I say when suddenly there is an intense pain in my arm, “Ow! Why did you just punch me?” I yelled at Lauren, rubbing where her fist had just connected with my shoulder.

“Because you are telling me you're in love with Alex Morgan.” Lauren says as she raises her fist up again as if she were going to inflict another blow.

I stepped back, giving us space between each other. 

“Well if I knew you were going to react like this I probably would’ve told you over the phone.” I say with a joking tone to my voice trying to ease the tension.

Lauren ignores it and continues her lecture, “Tobin I think that you’re missing the big issue here.” I say nothing because I know exactly where this is heading. “Kelley? Remember her? The small, ball of energy, covered in freckles and squirrelly cuteness? You know the Kelley who just so happens to be your best friend and Alex’s girlfriend.”

“I know Cheney. That’s why I haven’t said anything to anyone besides you." I sigh loudly, "And by the bruise I feel forming on my arm, I probably should not have even done that." I state pointedly.

Lauren ignores me once again and continues to bombard me with questions.

“How long have you felt this way? Are you going to do anything about it? Don't tell me you plan on actually telling Alex?”

“I do not think there was an exact moment I realized it Chen but it was sometime around the London Olympics."

I think back to seeing Kelley’s arm around Alex’s waist as they held their hands high, celebrating our victory.

"I did not ask for this Lauren." I feel my shoulders sag, "I didn’t want this."

"Tobs."

I continue talking, " And no, I do not plan on doing anything about it. I definitely don’t think proclaiming my love to Alex would be a smart idea.”

Laurens face softens and she says what I dreaded to hear, “Good. You really shouldn’t tell her.”

My whole body deflates and I know that she is right. I can’t tell Alex how I feel without ruining two of the best friendships I have. 

“You leave for Paris soon and maybe that will help you." She states, "Put some distance between you guys so you can sort out your feelings. You are walking a thin line with this one Tobin. Sort them out for a long, long time." Lauren tries to put humor into it but I know it’s true.

“Yeah you’re right. I got to get home to pack actually so I will catch ya later, Chen.”

“Tobin.” Lauren calls after me and I can see in her eyes that she feels bad, “I’m sorry.”

“No worries bro.” I try to smile but I know it doesn’t reach my entire face. I close the door behind me and head out to Alex’s apartment to hang out one last time before I leave for Paris.

 

*

I get jolted out of the memory as I feel water hit my face and Lauren’s eyeing me like she does when she thinks I’m being weird.

“You are always in your own world, Tobs.” We both laugh because we know how true that statement is. 

“So are you ready to go to the dinner and support your friend over here?”

Lauren dramatically sighs, “How many times do I have to tell you? We’re not friends.”

I burst out laughing and can’t help but feel grateful to have Lauren Cheney as a best friend.

“Come on dude, we got some waves to catch, yo.”

 

* 

“Alex, stop rearranging the plates I don’t think anyone will notice if they are a centimeter off,” Kelley teases leaning in to kiss me. 

I can feel the panic rising in my chest, “I know, I know.”

“Babe we aren’t feeding the first lady, it's just Tobin and Lauren.” Kelley laughs rubbing my back, trying to calm me.

I think about our earlier conversation in the kitchen and I look at her standing in front of me, being wonderful as usual.

I had contained myself all day but I no longer wanted to.

“Do you ha...” she is cut off as I press my lips to hers.

Kelley is only caught off guard for a moment before her lips are falling into place, matching my movements. I bring my hand to the back of her neck pulling her in getting lost in the touch of her lips against mine.

Suddenly we’re ripped from this moment by a loud noise and I feel anger swarm my body at the thought of having to pull away from Kelley.

I only then regain my bearings and take in my surroundings to see Lauren and Tobin in the door way. I pull away quickly from Kelley, but the damage is already done. Tobin’s eyes seep through me, ripping me apart, and the guilt is so powerful that I feel like I could choke on it.

 

*

We’re just finishing up dinner and I still feel the tightness in my chest from earlier. The look in Tobin’s eyes we’re heart wrenching.

I zone in and out of the conversation but I make sure to hit all my cues during it.

“I’m excited Tobs!” Kelley exclaims with enthusiasm.

Kelley and Tobin settled on going surfing tomorrow while I’m at my photo shoot.

Kelley continues with her ideas adding, “Also, I think that we should all go to dinner tomorrow. I’ll get Rapinoe and the girls to come and we can all catch up!” 

Our conversation continues with light banter between all of us but the whole night Tobin was somewhere else in her head.

The only time she seemed to be in the same room as us was when Kelley would grab my hand or kiss me and Tobin’s eyes would grow dark.

We finish dinner and Kelley decides Lauren and Tobin should clean up since we made the entire meal. 

Kelley is lying on the couch with her head in my lap, and I direct my gaze to the kitchen.

Lauren is aggressively whispering to Tobin and the only reason I can tell she is responding is because the movements in her shoulders.

They whisper back and forth until all of a sudden Tobin slams a plate in the sink, causing Kelley to shoot up.

“I’m sorry I dropped it!” Lauren quickly covers for Tobin.

Tobin is slouched over now and when Kelley lies back down, Lauren starts to rub Tobin’s back trying to soothe her. I have to fight back the urge to get up and comfort her as well, and I hate that I’m the reason she’s so upset.

Lauren walks into the room once Tobin is calm. Lauren gives me a look that doesn’t even need words, I can tell by her strong, masculine features, that she is anything but happy with me. 

“I’m going to head home, but thank you for dinner tonight it was great.”

Kelley and I both say you’re welcome in unison and Lauren shoots Tobin a knowing glance before leaving through the door.

Tobin stands frozen in the kitchen and my anxiety is starting to spike.

“Tobs, come watch a movie with us.” Kelley says light heartedly.

I see Tobin’s chest move while she inhales deeply and exhales while she gains composure over the whole night.

“Nah, I think I’m gonna head to bed I’m beat.” Tobin mumbles it out but Kelley doesn’t seem to notice.

She laughs but accepts Tobin’s decline, “Alright but don’t forget were surfing tomorrow bright and early. Goodnight! Love you!”

Tobin stares at me with wounded eyes and my heart wants to shatter.

“Yeah love you too Kell.” Is all Tobin says before she shuts her door.

*

Kelley chuckles against my legs as Rob Schneider's character tumbles down the bleachers in our movie.

"We’ve seen this movie a thousand times and you still laugh every time. It can’t possibly be that funny still." I smile down at her.

Kelley snorted and reached for the popcorn bowl. "Yeah well I’ve had tons of practice having to think things are funny even if they aren’t because of all the bad jokes you tell."

"Ouch, babe." I realize how easy it is to still call her that.

"Alex you know I love you. Bad jokes and all." Her lips turn into a small smile.

"Fine," I chuckled. "I'm happy you're here Kelley."

She turns over to face me with a grin. My heart beat a little faster as she grinned at me and leaning up touched her nose to mine.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you know that?" 

"You're lying," I laughed. "You’re just a sap." 

"No, I'm not," she promised. "I never saw you coming, and when we finally started hanging out I was so happy you picked me. I’m still happy you picked me.”

"You're too kind," I whispered before closing the distance between us. 

I placed a soft, gentle kiss on her mouth and waited for her response. I heard her inhale softly before returning the kiss to my lips. I broke out into an uncontrollable grin as she our kissed continued.

I have kissed her thousands of times, and it still feels like the first time. 

Kelley's eyes were droopy and I could tell she was tired as she stroked my hair away from my face before resting her head on my shoulder.

"You're a good girlfriend."

Kelley gave me a lopsided grin. "I am?"

"Yes."

Her fingers lingered on my cheek for a moment before brushing through my hair. 

"I hope so. If I'm good enough you'll have to marry me someday. See you’re hooked on my freckles and great cooking skills so I figure you can't live without them, so you'll have to say yes one day." 

My blue eyes widened, but Kelley doesn’t notice as she gives me a kiss and lays back down.

This whole day has been a whirlwind of confusion, happiness, and guilt. I can’t help but enjoy my time with Kelley, but at the same time lying to her about what’s been going on between me and Tobin.

My eyes dart to Tobin’s bedroom. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tobin look so hurt before and I feel nauseous thinking about it. I try to push it out of my head because I can’t stand to think about it any longer.

"Come on, let’s go to bed." I say to Kelley because she’s visibly falling asleep.

She nods so I stand up and try to pull her with me but she decides to be difficult and go rag doll on me. 

I rubbed my lips together and try to hide my amusement over it. "Work with me here Kelley."

She doesn't budge. "Just come to bed and sleep with me please." I try again.

"Just to sleep?" Her eye peeks open.

"You do look pretty tired Kell." I smirk down at her.

The moonlight shines on her bright yet sleepy smile. "Me tired? No way." She says as she peels herself off the couch and made our way up the steps to my bedroom. 

I paused just outside of Tobin's room and chewed my lip as I realized that this would be the first night in almost three months now that I would not be falling asleep next to her.

"If you want to go sleep with Tobin that's fine with me." Kelley says breaking me out of my thoughts immediately.

"Wh.. what?" I stutter.

"Well you've been standing outside her room for like thirty seconds now not budging." she states, "I mean I don't have a problem with it but Tobin's not much for cuddling..." I can tell she is joking with me and I relax a bit but I can't help but think just how wrong she is about Tobin.

"You're hilarious O'Hara." I say starkly, "But I think I'll sleep in my own bed tonight."

"In that case, do you want me to wake Tobin up for you?" she laughs and I try my hardest to not to show how awkward this really is for me.

"No. You will do just fine for tonight." I say adding a wink for an extra touch.

"It's probably for the best." she states.

"Why's that?" I ask curiously.

"Tobin wouldn't want to sleep next to you anyway," she grins before quickly adding, "You're a super loud snorer!" as she takes off in a full sprint down the hall with me in hot pursuit. * We both paused in front of the edge of the bed.

"You're not faster than me Kelley." I pout, "You had a head start."

"Of course," She throws herself on the bed and grins to herself. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

We share a coy grin as she pulls her shirt over her head and I reach out for it as she hands it to me across the bed. I stood back with the shirt in my hands and enjoyed the way her muscles flexed as she reached. My lips turned upwards in a tiny smile as I made my way to the bathroom. I left the door purposefully cracked open as I turned my back and peeled my shirt and bra off, replacing it with her shirt. I pulled on a pair of shorts and walked back out after brushing my teeth.

Kelley looked up from the bed and raised an eyebrow at me. "Nice shirt," she said.

I smile as I think about our little ritual. When we had first starting dating being hours away from each other, she would always leave her shirts for me sleep in. Even once we had moved in together she would still let me wear her shirts to bed, it was a comfort thing. Something I had not realized I missed so much until now.

I padded over to the bed and crawled in. "You know you love it." I pulled back the covers. She settled back onto the bed and sighed.

"Kell?"

"Yeah, Alex?"

"Do you believe that good things only happen to good people?" I asked after a moment and Kelley seemed to really think about my question before she answered.

"No," She said quietly. "Because I know that sometimes the worst things happen to good people." She paused before she continued.

"But I believe in fate and I think everything happens in life because it’s meant to happen. I think that things happen for reasons we don't always understand. Things we don't want to happen, happen and things that seem so heart-breaking at the time they don't make sense all have reasons. I believe it's not all for nothing, I think I have to think that in order to stay sane. There has be a bigger plan involved and I know that good things do happen." She squeezed my hands again as I smiled.

She understood that things weren't always simple. "How do you know?" My voice was quiet again.

"I just do, okay?” She laughed lightly and closed her eyes. "I'm Kelley O'Hara and I'm always right." We both laughed at this and I felt my heart beat slowing down back to normal.

We were both silent again and this time I knew that we weren't going to break it with words again and I closed my eyes.

I knew I probably shouldn't and that it wasn't fair to Tobin but none of this was and right now I just wanted to feel Kelley close to me. I grabbed her hand and pulled it towards me so she was forced to my side of the bed. She didn't protest as I twisted around and pulled her arm over my waist. She tightened her grip so my back pressed against her snugly and we settled into the bed, I couldn't help but notice how we fit together so perfectly.

Right now I needed her to hold me like this. In the morning we could go back to reality.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley's visit continues leaving everyone to feel more confused then before.

I lifted my head slightly and looked at the clock on my nightstand, three hours and twenty eight minutes since I had barricaded myself in my room claiming to be too tired to stay up and watch movies with them. Rolling over I try to will myself to sleep for what has got to be the hundredth time that night. Moments later I hear the creaking of the stairs and a shuffling just outside my door. 

"If you want to go sleep with Tobin, that's fine with me." My ears perk up at this as I hear Kelley talking to Alex outside my door.

"Wh-what?" I can hear Alex stutter as she speaks.

"Well you've been standing outside her room for like thirty seconds now not budging." Kelley states and I feel myself smile slightly at this knowledge. "I mean I don't have a problem with it but just a heads up, Tobin's not much for cuddling." I can tell now that Kelley is joking and I am sure Alex has figured that out as well when she begins to joke back. 

"You're hilarious O'Hara, but I think I'll sleep in my own bed tonight." 

I almost want to laugh at how not funny her joke actually is but I don't want to alert them that I’m still up.

"In that case, do you want me to wake Tobin up for you?" Kelley's laugh is so happy and unknowing it makes me cringe.

"No. You will do just fine for tonight." That one hurt.

"It's probably for the best." Kelley states.

"Why's that?" I hear Alex pipe up curiously.

"Tobin wouldn't want to sleep next to you anyway, you're a super loud snorer!" 

I could tell that she took off running from Alex after that because all I hear are loud, rapid thuds down the hallway and the slamming of a door. There's some jiggling of a door handle and then a sudden, "Kelley Maureen O'Hara!", before I hear Kelley's shriek of laughter and then the slamming of Alex's door again.

*

I must have fallen in and out of sleep at least a dozen times. I glance over at my alarm clock, it's a little after six in the morning. I close my eyes and my mind once again goes into overdrive. How had things gotten to this point? Why did I let myself get into this mess? 

Here I was lying in my own bed for the first time in months and it felt so cold and unwelcoming. The girl I love is laying in bed with her girlfriend, my best friend, doing God knows what just down the hall from me. I felt like I was going to suffocate if I stayed in that apartment any longer. I had to get out.

Looking for some sort of peace I find myself at the beach. The sun is just starting to come up over the horizon and I’m hoping as the night sky fades so will this burden I have on my chest. I try to shake the thoughts of last night’s dinner out of my mind. 

Walking in on Kelley and Alex kissing had crushed me. Alex had been so carried away in Kelley’s embrace that she hadn’t even noticed when Cheney and I walked in to the apartment. When Kelley had pulled away, everything about Alex screamed she was still in love with Kelley. And the angry look on her face when she realized they had been interrupted was still etched in my mind. All I wanted to do was break down but I knew I couldn’t do that without ruining everything. 

I know I have to go surfing with Kelley but I just can’t be the same person that I was with her. I think about last night’s dinner again and my blood boils.

*

“I can’t believe we are all back together, it has been so long.” Kelley beams at everyone at the table and gives Alex’s hand a squeeze.

My stomach turns and I try to focus on anything else in the room but them while everyone else voices their agreement.

“So I think that we should all go to the beach tomorrow and get some surfing in while I’m here.” Kelley continues.

“I would love to show you all up in surfing but I have a meeting with Nike tomorrow,” Alex says and I can feel her eyes on me.

“I would love to show all of you how well my body is acquainted with gravity when surfing but I have a lunch date with Jrue’s family tomorrow,” Cheney chimes in.

“Well Tobs it looks like it’s just you and me tomorrow!” Kelley’s face is lit up with excitement. “Plus I miss having someone who can actually keep up with my pace.” She adds.

I can’t act like this, like I should be mad at Kelley when I’m the one sneaking behind her back.

I try my hardest to ignore all of the negative emotions, “Sounds good, yo.”

Kelley leans in kissing Alex leaving me feeling absolutely defeated.

*  


The memories are starting to wear on me but the sun was up and I had to get back to the apartment to get ready for surfing with Kelley. The apartment was quiet so I decided to make some coffee and have some breakfast. I was consumed with my own thoughts when I heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen.  


I lift my head and watch as Alex walks across the kitchen opening making her way to the bathroom. She does not see me until she comes back out, stopping short when her eyes land on me. She looks gorgeous even when she’s just rolling out of bed.  


She almost looks scared to talk to me which just makes me feel even worse.  


“Hey, you’re up early.” Her smile is forced and I can’t look at her anymore.  


I look down at my coffee, trying so hard to stay calm. “Yeah couldn’t get much sleep last night.”  


“Tobin,” I can hear the pain in her voice. “I’m sorry about last night, I don’t mean to hurt you.”  


She comes over to me and brushes loose strands of hair behind my ear. I hate myself for feeling calmer under her touch.  


“I know you don’t mean to hurt me Alex, but watching you with Kelley kills me.” I say losing control of my emotions, my voice cracking, as my eyes begin to water.  


“Please, Tobin, please just be patient with me.” She pleads with me.  


“I have been nothing but patient.” I retort.  


Something flashes through her eyes and she looks panicked. “I know you have and I am so sorry I don’t know how it got like this." I feel her hand tighten around my own holding me there as if she is scared I'll leave. "I love you and I just need you to be patient.”  


I crumble under her pleas and all I want to do is comfort her. I know that this is what I signed up for when we started this whole thing and I need to just deal with it for now.  


“I’m sorry Lex, I’m not trying to make this more stressful for you.”  


“I know, we just have to get through the next two days and we will be okay. I promise.”  


She brings her head down, softly kissing me. The effect that Alex has on me is damaging and incredible at the same time.  


She gives me a small smile before she retreats from me, “I better go wake up Kelley so you guys can get ready to go.”  


Alex is almost to her bedroom door when I realize something.  


“Hey Alex,” I yell.  


She turns around and I surprise myself with the bitterness that comes from my words, “Nice shirt.”  


*  


We’ve been on the water for a couple hours now and the waves are starting to slow down. It’s calming, the feeling of the water on my legs and the smell of the ocean surrounding me helps to clear my head momentarily.  


“This will never get old, being out on the water.” Kelley states as she leans back on her board, "This is the first time I have really had any down time since I got to Seattle."  


“It has been hectic for all of us these last few months with this league." I say as I watch some birds flying off in the distance, "There’s only a handful of things that clear my mind and help keep me level headed, my family, friends, church, soccer and this.” I close my eyes and feel myself relax into the rhythm of the waves.  


Kelley nods and adds, “And when I’m with Alex.” My heart tries to escape my chest, "I really do not even know what I would do without her Tobin." her eyes meet mine and I see the love she has for her in them, “I’ve really missed you these past couple of months," she shifts nervously on her board. "I already apologized to Alex, but I am sorry for not being around lately.”

I try hard to keep my composure as she apologizes to me, “I missed you too Kell.” And it is true I do miss Kelley. After all we have been friends since we were fifteen.

As a child, there was a plaque on my father’s den wall that I would read every day. It read, “A friend is someone who knows all about you, and loves you anyway.” I did not understand what it meant at the time. I thought perhaps it was a cynical quote against friendship, being my father was the sarcastic type. As I got older though I began to understand the concept and meaning, and hold it to be true in my heart of what friendship is about. That quote described Kelley perfectly, with Kelley I knew I could always count on her. She was kind and loyal, a truly good person and friend, who did not deserve any of this, especially not from two of the people she loved and trusted more than anything. I feel a knot form in my chest as I think about that. Loyalty is one of the first elements of friendship that we learn as a child. 

Finally I manage to find my words, "You have nothing to be sorry for Kelley, and you have been working really hard lately." If someone had said even just a year ago that I would ever feel this uneasy around Kelley I would have laughed in their face. 

"I know Tobin, but I should still be making time for you and Alex. All the success and lights mean nothing without the people that mean most to me, without you two." Her face falls, "I am just really glad you guys have each other out here." Kelley stares at me, her defined jaw tight and her hazel eyes bright. "Our friendship means the world to me Tobin."

"It is really fine Kelley. We are fine." This makes her happy. She nods to herself and there's a long silence before I find my voice again. 

"It cannot be that bad in Seattle, you are with a lot of great people there." 

Something flashes in Kelley’s eyes but it is gone quickly, and she smiles, the grin not quite meeting her eyes though. 

“I mean I love my team do not get me wrong. Having Christen, Ali, Hope and Megan has been great but there is no one quite like you Tobs." This time when she turns her head to look at me I see how much she cares about me and that causes me to feel utterly terrible and guilty. "We have done a lot of crazy things together. I miss having my best friend around all the time." Kelley produces an easy smile.

I can’t help but laugh thinking about all the stupid things her and I have done together, “Maybe it is a good thing, O’Hara. You are probably getting yourself in less trouble this way.”

She splashes me and then for the next half hour or so we take turns telling stories back and forth until were full out laughing and our stomachs hurt. 

Barely catching her breath Kelley says, “I love you, Tobin! I wouldn’t want to have experienced those unfortunate events with anyone else but you.”

I actually begin to feel like things are normal between us, I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to feel like this until now. Both enjoying one of our favorite things and talking about our past adventures together. 

“I love you too man.” We sit in the silence of the memories come crashing back.

After a few moments Kelley asks me a question I was hoping to avoid, “How has Alex been? She seems a little distracted these past couple months.”

“She’s good, you know, just focusing on soccer like always." I can’t look her in the eyes so I look out to the shore instead. "I am sure she just misses you.” I add without thinking. 

"Yeah." Kelley continues to show concern for Alex and I can’t help but feel a burning sensation behind my eyes. “Do you think she’s happy?”

“Yeah I think so.” Is about all I can come up with.

“I’m glad she has you to keep her company. I wouldn’t want her having to live with anyone else but you. I know she’s safe with you.” I quickly look away from her kind hazel eyes.

The guilt that’s spreading through me is causing me to choke on any words that try to make their way out. All I can do is nod my head as the guilt wraps itself through my body. 

The wind starts to pick up and we can see the waves coming in from behind us.

“Keep my girl safe, Tobin. I plan on marrying her one day.” And with that last sentence hanging in the air, Kelley paddles to catch the oncoming wave.

I stay behind, restricted by that last sentence that’s tearing away at my heart. 

When I finally get to the shore Kelley’s goofing off with some teenage boys, playing keep away with a ball. She’s smoking all of them with her moves and I pull out my phone to check my messages.

Two messages from Alex:

11:38 a.m. Hey I’m sorry about last night and this morning. I know what you were thinking, and nothing happened with Kelley and me last night. 

11:57 a.m. I hope you guys are having fun. I miss you.

I text Alex back as the weight of everything finally crashes down on me as I type out every single word.

1:36 a.m. We need to talk because I don’t think I can do this. After talking to Kelley all day I just can’t do this Alex…we can't tell Kelley. 

**

"Oh man I remember that!" Tobin bursts out laughing talking to Kelley on the way to the restaurant.

They both laugh hysterically as they recall one of their memories from when they were on the U-20 team. Tobin seems completely unaffected considering she ended things with me earlier today.

I spent all afternoon stuck in my head utterly miserable and having to deal with Nike representatives. I still cannot believe she just ended things like that, over a text message. I could feel my face heating up as my anger begins to rise.

I just want to get out of this car and away from the happiness that Tobin and Kelley are sharing. 

We finally get to the restaurant and Pinoe, Christen Ali, Hope, and Lauren are all there waiting for us.

Lauren waved Tobin over to sit between her and Megan, and I couldn’t help but see the pointed look that Lauren gave me as I took my seat next to Kelley.

"Hello, earth to Alex Morgan!" Megan says next to me while waving a hand in front of my face breaking me out of my thoughts. "I dressed up all nice for you and you aren't even paying attention to me!" she jokes.

Kelley places a hand on my thigh giving it a light squeeze, noticing that I'm in my own world tonight.

"She's just nervous that were going to kick Portland’s ass in tomorrow’s game." Kelley jokes along with Megan.

"Yeah, right," Tobin cuts in, "We're going to be crush you guys. Isn’t that right Chensaw and Babyhorse?"

Tobin smiles at Lauren and then her eyes fix on mine and there is a look in her eyes that breaks my heart. It's like she is fine that we are no longer together, like all we have ever been is just friends.

I force a smile, trying not to break down, "Yeah." is all I can manage.

I spend most of the night listening to everyone make jokes, but I always find myself staring at Tobin. She's been engulfed in conversation with Lauren and Megan, laughing hysterically at Megan’s stories all night. 

I love that laugh, the one where she holds her stomach, her eyes squint, her body shakes, and her mouth wide open in fits of laughter. 

She looks so happy and free with them and I try not to notice the jealousy that overcomes me. We were happy, weren't we? I just do not understand what happened to change everything so suddenly.

Kelley pulls me out of my thought as my attention focuses on her lips pressing gently against my cheek.

She pulls away, giving me a small smile. “You okay babe? You seem distracted.”

Kelley looks so concerned for me. I sigh deeply, chewing my bottom lip. “I’m just sad that your last day is tomorrow.”

"Oh." Kelley's face falls a little bit and I freeze. 

She senses my discomfort and leans over, placing her warm hand on mine. A tingle runs up my arm, and my eyes dart up to meet hers. 

Kelley's voice is soft and gravelly as she speaks, and I watch her carefully, "I just, I want you to be happy. We will figure this out Alex, you are not alone in this and it is only a few hours’ drive. It will be alright, I promised you, never again."

And for a moment I allowed myself to believe her.

My heart swells up and I try hard to find the right words to say to her, I laugh to myself because that's all I ever do anymore. 

"Kelley," I say softly, "I feel horrible."

She shook her head at me, letting out a little gasp that resembled a small laugh. "You do not need to apologize Alex, don't be ridiculous."

"Why?"

"It's okay to show some emotion because you're going to miss me. You're human, you don't need to apologize for it."

I was never good at showing my emotions especially when Kelley and I first started dating. I was never the sensitive type to just wear my heart on my sleeve like Kelley was.

"You know how I am about this kind of stuff, Kell."

She snorted. "I know, it's a struggle putting up with your cold heart, but I manage."

I felt a small smile creep up onto my face, at her continual joke that shes made since we go together.

"I'm offended at your accusation, I think that my heart has thawed over the years. You're right though maybe it's time I loosen up and try to be more of an emotional sap like you."

She smiles. "I think that you should keep being you and I will keep being me, I think that we work the best like that. We fit each other quite nicely, I'm the lovable heartthrob and you're the emotionally challenged one that everyone seems to love because you're a hottie." 

I laugh at how easily Kelley can distract me and make me laugh at her jokes. I'm someone who is constantly in their own head, always questioning everything. Most of my life I always had to keep pushing myself, never slowing down. I can be uptight, being distracted by all the thoughts playing in my head. I was easily set off and had enough fire for two people. Kelley was much different, she was always so sure of everything. It took a lot to get under her skin, for the most part she was always calm, cool and collected. While she definitely had a drive, she was still capable of slowing down and having fun. That was one of many great things about Kelley, how well she balanced me out.

"I just really missed you," I say softly. Today was awful and all I wanted was for her to do what she had always done and fix it.

"We will get through this," she stated confidently. She then leaned in, kissing me softly. It was meant to be innocent but it lingered just a moment longer than it should have. I pull away and our eyes met.

"I love you," I whispered.

Her smile reached up to her eyes and our lips met. She opened her mouth slightly and I slid my tongue across her lips. I felt her lips pull up into a smile but then our kiss deepened, making me feel better with every passing second. She pulled away quickly, a soft grunt escaping her lips. I followed her line of vision over her shoulder to Christen, her eyebrow arched in a disapproving manner.

"Kell, we are in a restaurant." I hear Christen murmur as Kelley rubs her side where I assumed just seconds earlier Christen had elbowed her.

Her face flushed. "Right, right." 

I laugh at the interaction between the two friends before turning my attention back to the group.

I had thought that Tobin was still engrossed with Megan and Lauren but when I directed my attention away from Kelley I can see that she is staring at me. Her glare is piercing as our eyes meet and I tense up. She is obviously unimpressed with my display of affection for Kelley.

Immediately I feel anger take over as I realize I no longer have a reason to feel guilty about things with Kelley. Tobin had made her decision, so where did she get off.

“Can you guys at least wait until we are done dinner and you are home to do that. I would like to enjoy this meal!” Ali Riley teases pretending to be grossed out.

“Yeah that might be a good idea.” Lauren says, her stern glare fixed on me again.

“Sorry guys, it has just been a while, cut us some slack!” Kelley says not noticing the seriousness of Lauren’s words and continues to add, “Don’t worry though we will continue this later.” 

“Morgan’s getting some tonight!” Megan jokes even causing Hope to crack a smile and laugh loudly.

Kelley winks at me and I cannot help but blush at how the direction of this conversation changed so rapidly but no one notices because when I look around at the table, Hope, Ali, Christen, Megan and Kelley are busy joking around with each other.

I glance at Tobin and Lauren and they are in deep conversation but the noise of the restaurant makes it impossible to hear what they are saying. Tobin’s body is rigid, jaw clenched, and her hand gripping her fork tightly.

After a few moments they notice me staring, Tobin looks down but Lauren gives me another look that tells me I am just digging my hole with her deeper.

I was relieved when dinner was finally over and we were all parting ways. Thankfully and not too much of a surprise, Tobin decided that she was going to join Megan and go hangout at Lauren and Jrue's apartment for a little bit while the other girls went back to the hotel. Kelley hugged Christen, Hope and Ali goodbye and then we were on our way back to my apartment.

 

*

 

We're on our way home from dinner and I feel Kelley's eyes on me. When I look over at her she’s smiling at me. I reach for her hand and bring it up to my lips lightly kissing her knuckles. She intertwines our fingers and places them in her lap. She has me laughing because of how enthusiastic she is singing along to the radio. After the song is over she lets go of my hand to change the station for a new song to jam out to. After she finds the station she likes she’s singing along and places her hand on my thigh. Kelley may not be the best singer but she tries her best and I love watching her facial expressions as she belts out the words.

I become absorbed in my own thoughts thinking about how amazing it’s been having Kelley around. She was gone for so long that I forgot how good she was for me. I get pulled out of my head when I feel Kelley’s fingers graze the inside of my thigh. My body instantly reacts to her touch and it takes everything in me not to pull the car over.

Kelley is trailing up and down my inner thigh causing my whole body to tense. I forgot how much I craved her touch and how long it’s been since I've felt it. I try to keep my eyes forward but I allow my eyes to shift momentarily to catch a glimpse of the mischievous smile that appears on Kelley's face. 

The continuing motions of Kelley’s fingers are causing me waves of pleasure throughout my body. My hands grip the steering wheel as I try to weigh the decision that’s been in the back of my mind all weekend.

Should I let this happen with Kelley?

Tobin had ended things between us today so what is there stopping me from having sex with Kelley? 

I can do this I repeat in my head. In fact, I want to do this.

I'm with Kelley, she’s always been so good to me and I do love her. Falling in love with her had been effortless once she had gotten me to let my walls down and being with her now should not be any different. All weekend I had been realizing just how much I have missed her emotionally and right now my entire mind can focus on is how badly I wanted physical closeness with her again.

The drive there felt agonizingly long as she continued her movements on my thigh but as we made our way into the apartment building, I didn’t hesitate to take out time to get up to the apartment door. I hurriedly tried to unlock the door but my shaky hands would not cooperate. Finally Kelley grabbed my keys from me, unlocked the door and handed them back. I pulled Kelley in quickly, shutting the door behind us.

I loved Kelley, and I wanted to prove it.

I turned around to see Kelley’s face lit up with anticipation and desire. I felt my stomach do another nervous tumble as I pushed Kelley against the door. I needed her in every possible way tonight. She hit the door with a soft thump, her hazel eyes instantly turned dark and lusty as I held her against the door. I grab her bottom and lift her as she instinctively wraps her legs around me. I could not help but hear her breath hitch as I pressed myself against her. 

She tries to say something but it is muffled by my lips. The blood was rushing to my head as our kiss grew deeper and more urgent, her hands digging into my hair

"I love this side of you," she jokes as we take a breath.

All I can do is nod, the longing taking control of my body, wanting her.

"I love you," I say almost aggressively as I press my lips to her mouth again. Our kiss is firm and demanding, I want her to believe me, and I need her to.

"I love you," I repeated breathlessly, desperately.

It takes her a second to process my words. “I love you." I hear the truth in her response and it’s overwhelming.

The words only linger in the air for a few seconds before I’m carrying her to my bedroom. I place her down as I kiss her once more, my hands are trembling as I grab for the hem of her shirt, bringing it up over her head.

"I want you." And in that moment I knew how true my words were.

She nods and I pull her close to me. My hands move from her shoulders, dragging lightly down her back, leaving goose bumps in their places.

"Finally,” she repeated to herself.

I grinned at how much she wanted this too. I looped my fingers into her jeans and pulled her with me to the bed. 

"Alex," she whispers, her voice heavy with hunger.

She followed me to the bed, and once my knees were touching the mattress, she pushed me down, placing her weight on top of me. Our kiss became frantic, our brains were not functioning correctly, letting our bodies lead. I opened my mouth freely, as her tongue glided in, this was one thing that I loved about Kelley. Her kiss could be aggressive but not letting it become sloppy, she was passionate and skillful in her kiss.

The kiss was becoming too much and I could not help myself as I pressed into her body, eager for more.

Kelley broke our kiss again, lifting me, her fingers were at the hem of my shirt, my body tingling as she lifted over my head. She kissed me gently again as she unhooked my bra in one fluid motion. She pulled back a little to get a good look at me, and I almost felt vulnerable.

“I knew I missed you for a reason.” She teased.

"Shut up," I laughed as I pulled her to me laying back down on the bed. 

She lifted herself ever so slightly and with one quick and practiced motion she reached around her back and unhooked her own bra. Kelley's hands ran up and down my body, seeming to memorize every inch of me. Every nerve ending was screaming as I stared at her body, amazed how I forgot our adorable her freckles were sprawled out onto her chest.

Kelley grabs my hands in hers intertwining our fingers as she pulls them above my head, her mouth latching on to my neck. I felt her warm, flat tongue lick me between kisses before she moved down to my breasts. I let out a groan, arching my back, and smiled up at the ceiling.

Kelley’s eyes were sinister, her smile matching her eyes, as she placed her lips on my neck. Lightly biting and kissing in the spots she knew I was most sensitive, and I couldn’t help but moan under her touch. 

I knew I would have a mark on my neck but I didn’t care as I felt her teeth graze the skin of my collar bone. I gasp and I feel her smile underneath her playful touch.

"I’ve missed this so much." she managed to get out between kisses.

"I know me too babe," I replied breathless.

Her hands and mouth explored my chest and I could feel the longing in my body stir and come to life. Her touch ignited every limb in my body and I felt completely under her control.

She left another mark on me before she came back up to meet my mouth with hers. I moved my lips to her neck and a smothered groan came up from her throat, as I slowly slid my hand down her stomach to the front of her jeans. I felt her grip the sheets above my head and I let my hand linger before unbuttoning her jeans.

Her lips assaulted mine as she shifted slightly off of me to so she could run her hand up my thigh. She broke away to graze over my body like she was seeing me for the first time.

"I could never get tired of this," her voice was raspy, her lips finding mine again. 

Kelley's eyes gave me another appreciative gaze as I let her look at me.

"Are you satisfied?” I teased.

Her hazel eyes flashed when they met mine. "Not yet."

Her lips were crashing against mine again, finding the same ferocious kiss from the restaurant as her hand found the opening to me jeans. Her lips slid across my breast again, barely touching my nipple as she unbuttoned them. 

Her lips were so urgent that it took me a moment to try and catch up to her rhythm. We were losing ourselves in remembering each other’s bodies as our lips moved in agonizingly blissful movements. I needed to let this happen and shut my brain off. The only thing I could concentrate on was the way her lips felt against mine, her hands on my body, and the way she was making me feel. 

A strangled breath escaped my throat as her fingertips teased the skin beneath the waistline of my jeans. I could feel myself shudder at her suggestive touch, and I wanted it so badly, as her teasing slowly made me come undone. 

I was eager as I started to try and clumsily pull my pants off, she laughed helping me until they were off and on the floor. I went for her jeans next and my hands were still too shaky as she continued to laugh and pull her own off. 

She was back on her side, as I lay on my back, her fingertips creating patterns on my stomach as our lips continued their previous rhythm.

We had a lot of making up to do for the past couple of months being apart.

I groaned against her lips as her fingers trailed the edge of my underwear. 

"Kelley," I groaned, the noise muffled against her mouth.

She continued to move her fingers a long my underwear, sometimes pushing them under a little bit teasing me. My breath hitched again and I could feel her laugh against my lips.

"Stop teasing," I scolded her playfully. 

"Fine.” she said it authoritatively.

Her hand quickly slipped my underwear off, rubbing against me, causing me to moan out loud. She slide one finger in slowly, still teasing me, her touch was warm against me and I could fill my body respond with each movement she made.

"Please babe," I whined against her skin.

I kissed her clavicle as she removed her finger and replaced it with two. She pushed a little harder this time as she hit a good spot, making me gasp again as my body pushed upwards.

"I need you.” she whispered into my ear. Her breath tickled my ear, causing me to shiver.

Her words made the sensation that much more powerful as she lowered her mouth to mine.

Years of practice had made it very easy for Kelley to find all the right spots.

I could feel myself getting close to the edge as my body moved in rhythm to Kelley. My whole body felt on fire as she increased her speed. I let out another loud moan, Kelley pulled away, and I opened my eyes to look at her. Her eyes were staring intently at me.

"Say it Alex," Her voice taking on a demanding tone as her tempo picked up a little faster.

"I love you Kelley." She pushed inside of me hard, trying to get me to reach my climax.

My hands slid up her chest, over her neck and onto her back. "I love you, I lo…"

My fingers impulsively dug into her back, I felt myself clench against her fingers reaching my release, my body arched as all of my muscles tightened, my moans coming out breathless and short.

I realized that this could never be enough.

I cried out when I felt her fingers curl upwards inside of me as she continued her efforts. 

"K-Kelley!" I whimpered.

As I said her name she pressed her thumb down on my clit while still working me with her other two fingers and I came again.

“Oh God." I moaned out my fingers leaving more marks on her back as my hips push up trying to feel every bit of her. 

"Nope, all Kelley."

I manage another, "Shut up!” just before I feel my body ripple with a wake of pleasure down my spine, stretching out to all of my limbs as I came down from my climax. With her free hand, she pulled my face up to hers kissing me softly. I kissed her back and felt myself relax into it. However that did not last long as her fingers stroked forward again, hitting the spot deep within me leaving me trembling.

"Holy fuck." 

I arched my back upward again, my body tensing and rising against her hand as I endured another orgasm that was moving through every inch of my insides.

Slowly she brought me down and when I felt my breathing revert to normal, I grabbed her hips and flipped us. 

*

Have you ever heard the saying "Love comes softly?" Well that's how it was for me. Everyone falls in love someday, but you can't ask for it. That's how it works, it happens when you least expect it.

*

I look up to the window to find Kelley smiling at me from her seat.

I walk around the front of the car, when it suddenly jolts forward at me causing me to jump backward. I look up through the windshield to find Kelley in a full out laughing fit. I roll my eyes at her immaturity but can't help but grin.

Her hair is down and I smile at the rarity. Her hair is usually up due to our busy schedules with soccer and training but today it’s down, smooth, and wavy. 

I slide myself into the seat next to her. 

"Welcome to the Kelley-mobile," Kelley says to me with that closed grin she does when she think she’s being funny.

Kelley starts to drive and I can’t help myself from stealing glances at her.

"What?" She questions as she scrunches her face when she notices me staring.

I ignore the heat that rises to my cheeks as I have been caught and am quick to make a joke, "Did you know you're absolutely flawed Ms. O'Hara?" I say with an amused smile now playing on my face.

She laughs and backhands me playfully in the arm. 

I sit back happily because I love the alone time I get with Kelley. There is nothing that makes me happier than when it's just me and Kelley.

"So, aren't you curious as to where I am kidnapping you to?"

"Now that you mention it, and my safety seems to be threatened, yes. Where are we going?"

*

It's hard to pick a best day of your life, but if I could have my life play over in my head for me I'd honestly pick this one, and I know my answer won't change for a long, long time. 

Before I know it we're at a creek near Kelley’s childhood home and we are on our backs on the dock.

Kelley's arm is touching mine and it makes me ridiculously happy. Kelley beat me in a race across the creek, I shouldn't be surprised. After all this is the girl that has shattered the beep test multiple times.

I break the silence, "I'm going to miss this when we're back at school."

"Me to Alex." Her lips are parted ever so slightly.

I begin to inch closer and my lips are suddenly pressing against Kelley's.

My body reacts strongly to the kiss, my heart is pounding and though I expected it, it never ceases to amaze me just how intense the butterflies are.

I maneuver over Kelley leaning on her gently until she is fully on her back. I'm slowly tracing my tongue along her bottom lip, my palms against the deck, half on top of her. Her tongue glides passionately across my mouth in response, her soft hands are on either side of my hips and she is directing me more on top of her. My entire body pulses. 

Her hands trail down lower and her fingers hook through the sides of my bikini bottoms as she pulls me closer.

I let out her name in gasp, “Kelley,”

We continue to relish in the rhythm that we are making. I lightly bite her neck and she moans in reassurance and I smile against her soft skin. I start to leave trails of kisses from her neck, to her jaw line, and back down again as we get lost in each other.

I press a small kiss to her lips and pull away. Her eyes are closed, and she's smiling.

"Alex." she murmurs next to me as she intertwines our fingers.

"Hmm?" I verbalize.

"I love you."

My body reacts to Kelley’s words faster than my mind can register them. I sit up to stare down at her but she’s already sitting up with me. I’m silent for several moments and Kelley must be able to read the expression of shock on my face because I hear a small laugh escape her mouth.

Several moments of silence and my mind finally catches up to what’s happening.

"I love you too, Kelley." I lean over and kiss the tip of Kelley’s freckled nose.

It’s as simple as that. We don’t need a big production or speeches because it is Kelley and everything comes easy to us in our relationship. We love each other and it is as simple as that even if it’s the first time we say it to each other.

"Alex." Kelley says breaking the peaceful silence that had fallen over us.

I raised my brow. "Yeah Kelley?"

"I'm really glad you came to visit me."

I'm silent for a moment. “I'm glad I came too." I said finally, replaying the events of the past week with Kelley again in my mind. "Your family loves me." I say confidently because I know it’s true.

"You tend to have that effect on people." Kelley beams.

I smile to myself, knowing I will never forget this summer or this very moment for as long as I live. 

"Your family is great Kelley." I shift onto my side, "Thank you for inviting me."

She breaks her stare on me to look up at the sunlight that shines down on her.

I don't know if it's the shady breeze or her sudden spirited smile that cause goosebumps to shoot up my back. I look over at her curiously.

After a few silent moments, without warning she leaps from the dock.

"Catch me if you can!"

Shaking my head at her childlike behavior, I am quickly on my feet and in chase.

She's laughing as she runs until she suddenly stumbles and a flash of worry hits me as she begins to tumble over. She falls to the ground in an ungraceful fashion and I’m on my knees laughing.

"Jerk!" She shouts over her shoulder.

She doesn’t hesitate and she takes off again. We're kicking up the sand off the bank now as I try to reach out and grab a hold of her, but she dances out of my grasp. Finally, I get a hold of her wrist and I pull her to me. 

“I caught you.” I say. 

She moves in closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and kisses me sweetly. I reach up to touch her cheek and she smiles and leans in, pressing another kiss against my lips. I pull away and notice she's eying me playfully and I smile in return, I am in love with this girl.

I could feel the sudden change between us as the full capacity of this moment came down on us. Falling in love with Kelley was easy but little did I know how hard it would be to stay this way.

I remember thinking then that as long as I had Kelley, everything would be okay.

*

I lay in bed with the memory leaving my throat dry and my eyes burning. My thirst finally gets to me and I slowly get out of bed trying not to wake Kelley.

My mind is racing, thinking of the events of the past couple of days. Dinner and then being close with Kelley again, it all feels like too much.

When I walk into the dimly lit kitchen, I notice Tobin seated at the table. When she looks up, I see the fire in her eyes. 

"Tobin." I suddenly wish I had just stayed in bed, "I did not know you were up."

She completely blows off what I said. “You had sex with Kelley.” She doesn’t ask but rather states and I can barely recognize her voice. 

I stand up straight and fire back angrily. “Why does it matter Tobin? You ended things.”

“If you would have actually talked to me like I asked instead of just assuming things and throwing Kelley in my face at dinner then you would have known that I was not saying I didn’t want to be with you!" She stands up and her features are contorted by her rage. "Whatever it doesn’t matter anymore."

“How was I supposed to know? You haven’t been yourself the past couple of days and then you send me that text.”

“Alex, I’m being tortured watching how happy you are with Kelley. I have to watch the girl I love be with my best friend. As if having to see you two before you and I were actually together wasn't bad enough... I just thought that maybe it would be different, that you guys would be different, but you’re the same couple I’ve always seen. You had sex with her, in our apartment, in our bed, and I can’t be mad because she is your girlfriend and I’m not. I don’t even know what I am to you.” Tobin doesn’t hide the tears as they roll down her cheeks. "So yeah Alex, I haven't quite been the same the last few days."

"Tobin, I..." I felt the sting of her words and I hear myself gasp as the truth of what she is saying hits me. I stood there frozen as it all sank in.

I knew she wanted me to talk about it and not bottle it up, but I just wasn't ready. 

She said nothing else and silently stood there. Her words rang in my head as I fought to push them away.

I refused to let her go.

My shoulders slumped as I realized the one trait I hated about myself was showing its ugly head. I was stubborn as mule and too proud to admit it. Tobin glances questioningly at me with pleading brown eyes before quickly averting her eyes to the floor, fists clenching slightly and I just explode.

I put my hand over my mouth, trying to control the sobs that are now escaping from me. Tobin is instantly in front of me wrapping me in a tight embrace. I cry into her shirt, letting out all of the feelings I’ve bottled up the past few days. 

After what seems like a while she places her hands on my hips and pulls me closer so our foreheads touch. She’s rubbing her thumb, along my hip bone, where my thirteen tattoo is. 

I breathe in her scent, calming down under her gentle touch. 

Tobin pulls her head away and kisses my forehead.

She chokes up slightly, her pretty brown eyes wide and glassy. “I think that we should go to bed and we can discuss this tomorrow after the game.” she says, her voice cracking slightly.

I nod my head as tears spill from my eyes, “Okay.” 

She pulls me into another tight hug, we stay like that for a while longer, until she makes the first move and pulls away.

She gives me a small smile but I know it’s strained. “Goodnight Alex.”

I feel like something terrible has happened but I can’t wrap my head around it. “Goodnight Tobin.” I say as I watch her walk away unsure of what just happened.


	7. Chapter 7

Mine and Tobin’s conversation left an unsteady feeling inside of me but I managed to put it aside for our game against Seattle Reign. I felt uneasy about us but during the game we played together like everything was perfectly fine and I know we will get through it.  
  
I am waiting for Kelley to come out of the locker room so we can say our goodbyes before she heads back to Seattle. When she finally comes out, her hair is down and damp, she’s wearing sweats and a tee shirt, pulling it off without a fault.  
  
“Well there’s my girlfriend.” I say, approaching her.  
  
She scowls at me, “Don’t talk to me, I’m angry with you.”  
  
I try to hide my smile because she looks adorable when she pouts.  “Kell, I did not mean to tackle you like that, I’m sorry but you fell graciously.”  
  
I saw a spark in her eye, showing me that she wasn’t really mad. “Yeah, well you’re lucky I’m too sad that I’m leaving to be mad that we lost.”  
  
I wrap my arms around Kelley’s waist and pull her to me. “I’m really happy I got to spend time with you.”  
  
“I am too Lex and I promise you will see me soon. I don’t know how I went three months without seeing you.”  
  
I look away from her not being able to meet her in the eyes, “It was so hard.” I whisper.  
  
She grabbed my chin, turning my head to face her again. I tried to keep the tears from falling out but one slipped down my cheek. She wiped it away continually stroking my cheek with her thumb.  
  
“I’m sorry Kell, I’m not trying to make you feel bad."  
  
“This won’t ever happen again." her stare is stern, "You will always come first Alex, I'm sorry for not having my priorities straight these last few months."  
  
She places both hands on my face and pulls me in for a kiss. We’re interrupted by Christen yelling to Kelley that they’re loading on to the bus.  
  
Kelley’s eyes are sad and almost scared. “I don’t want to go when we just finally got to be together again.”  
  
“I know but I’ll see you soon, you promised.” I give her a wink, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
She gives me a small smile, and I know it’s hard to say goodbye.  
  
“I love you Alex.”  
  
“I love you too Kelley.” I say planting a kiss on her lips.  
  
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in for a hug. We stayed like that for several moments, but she pulled away knowing that her team was waiting for her.  
  
I was watching her walk away, when she turned around like she was forgetting something.  
  
“Tell Tobin I say goodbye, we did this morning but I know she had something to do after the game and couldn’t wait but still tell her again for me.” She blows me a dramatic kiss after and then runs to the bus.  
  
I felt that same ache in my chest that I always do when Kelley leaves. I stood there for several moments, breathing in, and thinking about the past couple of days. Being with Kelley was great but now I needed to focus on the girl waiting for me at the apartment. I know Tobin and I have to have a very long conversation ahead. Despite our issues these past couple of days I still feel the same jittery excitement I always get when I know I’m going to see her.  
  
**  
  
I cannot believe that I am actually doing this. I know it is for the best but my insides are turning in a continuous circle and I find myself struggling to keep it together long enough to remember everything I need. I feel the adrenaline pulsating through my body, knowing the consequences that are going to come from this.  
  
I know I am being a coward but this has to happen and I don’t think I can face her. Scratch that, I know I cannot face her. I know I will want to give in, and I just cannot do it again. "This is for the best." I repeat to myself again.  
  
Everything I need fits into one suitcase and I feel a small ounce of relief as I head for our apartment door.  
  
My small glimpse of relief is short lived when I hear the door to our apartment open and shut behind her.  
  
Alex comes into the living room, smiling only for a moment, before processing what is going on.  
  
She stares at my suitcase, not looking up, says, “What are you doing?”  
  
My chest tightens as I hear the alarm in her voice. I cannot respond all of my words are caught in my throat.  
  
She becomes impatient, and I know that her shock is turning to anger.  
  
“Tobin, where are you going?” I can hear the danger in her voice but when she looks up I see her eyes are glossy.  
  
I watch as she inches closer, her movements are slow and guarded, like she is dealing with a wild animal that might bolt any moment.  
  
“I am going to go stay with Lauren." I sighed before looking into the face I had been trying to desperately to avoid. She is beautiful, the kind of beauty that hurts to look at because it reminds me of what we will never have. "Alex we both know that we cannot be doing this. We have been fooling ourselves into thinking that this was going to work and that we could be together.” I start to make my way towards the door again.  
  
"Do not just walk away from me." Her voice is strained as she follows me.  
  
"Alex, stop." Somehow, I kept my voice from wavering and then took another step.  
  
“We can be together Tobin! I told you, I just need time.” She exclaims frantically.  
  
“Lex you are always going to need time because let’s face it, you are still in love with Kelley." My voice was harsh and filled with bitterness as I took my lower lip in between my teeth to stop from crying. "That is why you haven’t told her about us or ending things, because despite our feelings for each other, you still have feelings for her." My defenses were weakening by second and she knew it. "I cannot compete with that.”  
  
Her eyes look desperate, “Tobin, I love you.” She does not deny what I said though and I know in that moment my decision has to stand.  
  
“Tell me then. Tell me that you only want to be with me and that you are going to leave Kelley. Show me that I am what you really want, that I am who you choose to be with. Tell me that we will actually be together Alex." I say demanding her to finally make a decision.  
  
Alex stares into my eyes, her face constrained and I know her answer.  
  
“Tobin I can’t do that right now. I just need some time, you know I love you, but Tobin this is Kelley we are talking about." She explains, taking a step closer to me. "How do I hurt her like that? How do we hurt her like that? I am just not ready for it.”    
  
"Do you still love her?" I ask.  
  
“Of course I do.” Alex replied, without hesitating, breaking my heart more.  
  
“Well then it was obvious that these last few months, this last year was a mistake so we should forget about it.” I reply trying my hardest to hold it together.  
  
“A mistake?" Alex repeated, as if she didn’t believe it. "You don't actually believe that Tobin."  
  
I had to look away, to the ceiling, to the floor, anywhere but her face. I could not handle this right now.  
  
“It's not enough anymore Alex. I cannot keep being your second choice or your replacement for when Kelley is gone.” I know I struck a nerve with her as I hear her quickly suck in a breath of air.  
  
“How can you say that Tobin? You know I don’t feel that way, I want to be with you, please don’t go.” She pleads and I struggle with my next words.  
  
“You don’t want to be with me Alex or you wouldn’t still be with Kelley. You were never going to leave her and we both know it. I have been trying so hard but I’m not enough.” I can feel all of my feelings of the past month boil over and I cannot help but finally tell her how I feel. “We are never going to truly be together, and it’s not worth it. This is not worth the guilt that I feel lying to my best friend, the sadness, and the constant losing to her. I don’t want this anymore.”  
  
Alex stood there silently.  
  
“I should go.” I told her and then turned around, calmly. Too calmly for a body that felt like it would collapse at any second.  
  
“Stop running Tobin.” She frantically stated while I shook my head at her.  
  
“I’m not running.”  
  
“Yes, you are. You have been running for the past year and you are still running. What are you so scared of?” Alex's words cut through the air, she certainly had nerve.  
  
“I’m scared of being with you and I am scared of being without you. I’m scared that you will never stop loving Kelley and that the last few months have been a lie. I’m scared that you will just keep breaking my heart. But mostly I am just scared of what will happen if I walk away from this.” Everything spilled out at once and I stood there searching her eyes.  
  
“Then don't do it Tobin.” She breathed out and glanced at lips only inches apart as she spoke.  
  
“It's not that simple Alex.” I closed my eyes momentarily wishing it we’re. Wishing a simple look and a few words could make everything alright.  
  
Alex doesn’t stop the tears from spilling over and rolling down her cheeks.  
  
“This isn’t you Tobin.”  
  
“You’re right Lex I haven’t been myself for months, not since we started this.” I say with finality in my voice.  
  
“You do not mean any of this we can talk about it and work it all out. We will be okay.”  
  
She places a hand on my face. I hadn’t realized I was crying until she wiped away a fallen tear.  
  
I grabbed her hand and pressed it against my lips. I love her and I wish it were different, but it’s not.  
  
I return her gesture by wiping away the tears that trickle from her eyes. How do you say goodbye to someone you are still in love with? I pull her closer to me, kissing her one last time knowing that I never will again.  
  
“I have to go.” Is all that I can muster.  
  
“Do not do this again. Do not run away like you did with Paris.”  
  
Her words stopped me in my tracks as I thought back to the night before I left for Paris. The feelings that are circulating in the air were the same then but this time I walk out of the door instead of her.  
  
*  
  
It was my last night before I had to leave for Paris and Alex wanted to spend it together.  
  
“Alex I do not think I can watch another movie!” I say exasperated. It would be the sixth movie we would be watching that night.  
  
“Tobin, that’s the whole point of a movie night! We have to watch a bunch of movies it is your last night here.”  
  
I couldn’t help but smile knowing how excited she was to watch all of these movies.  
  
“Is there a manual of rules that I wasn’t aware of that states how many movies you have to watch during a movie night.” I tease.  
  
She glares at me and chucks a pillow at my head causing my hair to go in all different directions.  
  
“Dude watch the hair it takes me all day to get it to look this perfect.”  
  
She bursts out laughing, “It takes all day for your hair to be in a super messy, loose bun?”  
  
“Yeah, not everyone can pull off this laid back look as well as I can.” I pretend to scan her up and down with a disgusted look.  
  
I face back towards the TV, smiling inside at winning the banter until I feel another pillow smack into my face.  
  
I turn to look at Alex who has the biggest smug look on her face. I pretend to ignore her, grabbing the popcorn bowl to fill it up more. As I walk by I dump the remaining kernels and pieces on to her head.  
  
Alex lets out a yell, “What the he...” is all she can manage before I smack her with a pillow in the face before booking it down the hall.  
  
It only takes Alex seconds before she has me cornered against the kitchen counter.  
  
“You’re such a jerk Tobin! My hair is probably all buttery now!”  
  
I look at her with the same smug look she gave me, “It already looks better.”  
  
She lunges towards me and I have to grab her arms before she tries to get me back. We’re in a strength match against each other as she tries to go to mess up my hair. Luckily I have her wrists crisscrossed in a solid grip and I pull her close to me so she can’t move.  
  
I can’t help but feel like this goofing around has turned to something more serious. The proximity we share is causing my head to spin.  
  
She’s looking at me like she can see through me and my heart races, she’s absolutely gorgeous. Her eyes are a piercing, light blue and her smile is irresistible, especially her lips.  
  
The feelings I have had for her feel like they’re overpowering me and the next thing I know, my lips are pressing against Alex’s. I’m surprised at how soft they are and I feel myself exhale under the touch of her lips. I pull my hand up to her neck pulling her closer to me, I spread my lips slightly and I feel her do it too.  
  
A shooting pain appears suddenly in my back when I realize I’m being slammed into the kitchen counter. I was so fixed on the kiss that I wasn’t ready for the blow of her hands pushing me.  
  
“What the hell are you doing Tobin?” Alex yells clearly furious with me.  
  
“I don’t know.” Is all I can come up with as I was panicking.  
  
Her eyes widen for a second before her glare is back onto me. “You don’t know!? You just kissed me Tobin and you don't have an explanation as to why?!"  
  
I knew I was going to to regret it the moment the words left my lips, “I’m in love with you.” I confessed.  
  
I was more prepared for the second blow this time.  
  
“How could you do that? You know I’m with Kelley, your best friend. How could you kiss me and ruin our friendship?” Each question was accompanied with a push.  
  
“I wasn’t thinking I guess.”  
  
“No Tobin you weren’t thinking. God, how could you?” Alex says infuriated by my impulsive move.  
  
“I don’t know. Obviously it was a mistake.” Is all I could say which seemed to just make Alex angrier.  
  
“The biggest one you’ve ever made.”  
  
“Then why did you kiss me back Alex?” I state.  
  
“I didn’t kiss you back Tobin.” Her eyes are a little wide and filled with guilt.  
  
“Yes you did Alex you can’t deny that you didn’t just kiss me back.”  
  
The anger in her features spikes again, “You’re so selfish Tobin! What do you think Kelley would do if she found out about all this!?" she is now pacing like a mad woman. "This didn't just happen, she didn't just kiss me. God she thinks she's in love with me." I hear her mumbling to herself.  
  
I shake my head, I've already started digging my hole, might as well dig it deeper. “I don’t think I’m in love with you. I am in love with you.” I say.  
  
Alex stopped in her tracks and swallowed hard before turning back to face me. The anger that accompanied her stare caused me to flinch a little. She goes to turn around but I grab her wrist, she tries to pull away but I just tighten my grip.  
  
“I’m leaving Alex. I’m going to Paris tomorrow and I won’t be back for a long time.”  
  
“Of course. Drop all this on me and then just run away." Her voice was cold and unemotional.  
  
Her words caught me off guard, “I’m not running away Alex.”  
  
“You’re not? Then what would you call it?”  
  
“Alex, did you push me away because you didn’t want me to kiss you or because I kissed you and I’m leaving.”  
  
I felt her body stiffen for a second before she pulled out of my grip.  
  
"I'm with Kelley. That's not going to change." she takes a step back, "This," she gestures with her hands, "never happened. And the sooner you get that through your head the better." and with that said she walked out of the apartment.  
  
She still wasn’t home by the time I had to leave to catch my plane to Paris and I left not knowing if we would ever have a friendship again.  
  
*  
  
The memory of that night was another stab at the reality that was playing before me. It was a mistake that had caused a chain reaction that led to all of this.  
  
Lauren was waiting for me outside of her apartment building when I got there. When I finally reached her, she grabbed me and pulled me in to a tight embrace. I could not hold it in any longer I felt my body shake as I sobbed into her shoulder.  
  
“Shh Tobs, it is going to be okay.” She says calmly, squeezing me tighter. "You are doing the right thing."  
  
“She didn’t choose me Chen. She didn’t choose me.” I kept repeating as the words truly started to sink in.  
  
“It will be okay Tobin. You can stay here as long as you need.”  
  
“I love her I just wanted to be with her.” I try to wipe my tears away, but fresh tears spill down.  
  
“I know, I know. Come on let’s get your stuff inside.” she says as she kisses my forehead, wrapping her arm around my waist and leading me inside.  
  
*  
  
I’m sitting on her couch, replaying my conversation with Alex in my head and I cannot stop picturing how hurt she looked. I hadn’t notice when I began to cry again but I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. I shook my head refusing to do this to myself. "How pathetic am I?" I was so distracted trying to stop myself from crying that I didn’t even hear Lauren come back into the room until she spoke.  
  
"You are not pathetic Tobin." Lauren took a step towards me, her voice filled with concern.  
  
Within seconds I felt Lauren's arms wrap around me as my tears continued to fall.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
I don’t want to talk about it but I know I need to. “I finally told her to choose and she couldn’t do it Lauren. She could not do it I feel so dumb now, believing all this time that she loved me and she would eventually leave Kelley.”  
  
“I think she does love you Tobin but I think she also loves Kelley. She has been with Kelley for what, six or seven years now? How could she give that up? I think Alex has been very selfish with wanting you both.”  
  
“We were good together. We made each other happy.”  
  
“I don’t think you realize how negatively your relationship was affecting you. You were always upset or mad when they would talk on the phone, Skype, and especially when she would visit. You were not the same carefree Tobin that I have always known.”  
  
I knew that I was different since I have been with Alex but I didn’t realize other people could see it as well. I have been so uptight and upset these past couple of months. I know that I loved being with Alex but everything else that came along with it was too much.  
  
“I know Chen. I know eventually this will get better, or at least I hope so. Maybe I will just live out the rest of my life here with you and Mr. Holiday.” I joke trying to ease the tension in the room.  
  
“Listen we are still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage and I do not think you will want to be around for that.” She winks and I cannot help but make a gagging noise.  
  
“In that case I think I will just go back to being a nomad and jumping from couch to couch.”  
  
Lauren laughs, “You know I am kidding Tobs, you are welcome here for as long as you need. I am serious.”  
  
“You know Chendog, if we were actually friends, I would tell you that you were the best kind.” I do feel truly blessed that she is in my life.  
  
“Well if we were actually friends, I would say that you have been one of the best friends I have ever had.”  
  
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of a knock on the door. I turned to Lauren who had the biggest grin on her face. Quickly getting up, she disappeared to the front door. Shaking my head, I turned my attention to the pictures that surrounded the room. Lauren and Jrue’s various vacations, events they went to together, and a big picture from their wedding day. They were truly in love and I hoped that one day I found an unbreakable love like theirs.  
  
“Seriously she is always in her own world.”  
  
“I know she’s such a weirdo.”  
  
I look up quickly recognizing the voice I heard coming from the entry way. I was shocked when I saw the short, eccentric blonde, standing next to Lauren.  
  
I could feel tears spill down my eyes as I ran to my two best friends and lunged at the girl.  
  
“A-Rod! What are you doing here?” I laughed in her arms as more tears were forming in her eyes now.  
  
“Well Cheney called me yesterday and said that she thought you needed some girl time so I hopped on the first flight from Jersey that I could.” she smiled at me and I couldn’t help but feel ecstatic.  
  
I pulled Lauren into our hug, “Thank you so much guys. I love you both!”  
  
“Love you too Tobs.”  
  
“Ew.” Lauren says causing all of us to laugh even harder.  
  
I was so blessed two have these two girls in my life and for the first time I felt like things were going to be okay.  
  
*  
  
"He looks just like Adam." I say as I flip through the pictures of her son on her phone as we walked through the park catching up.  
  
"I know!" she exclaims happily, "He has my eyes though."  
  
"I see that." I can't help but smile at how proud she looks, "It's crazy how much he has grown since I last saw him."  
  
"They grow up quick, that's for sure. His first birthday is soon, it would really mean a lot to me if you and Lauren could be there."  
  
"I would love that." I say as I hand her phone back to her.  
  
"I miss you, Tobin."  
  
"I missed you too."  
  
"It's like you dropped off the face of the earth these last couple of months."  
  
"I know I've just been dealing with some things. I'm sorry man."  
  
"So are you going to tell me what happened?"  
  
I stopped, leaned against a tree, and took a deep breath. I had no idea where to start.  
  
"Have you ever met someone that makes you question everything you think you know about yourself?" Amy looked at me curiously before nodding. "Alex and I got together again."  
  
"Tobin.” I could hear the tone of her voice was clearly disapproving.  
  
"Yeah, I know." I run a hand through my disheveled hair and her face softens.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asks.  
  
"I've been better." I could feel my face turning crimson red.  
  
"Does Kelley know?"  
  
I shake my head. “No.” We sat there for a few more minutes before I began talking again. “We didn't just have sex again Amy,” I say "We were sort of together."  
  
"Oh." the surprise was evident on her face.  
  
"She told me she loved me that she wanted to be together.”  
  
“That should be a good thing, shouldn’t it?” She asked.  
  
“She still loves Kelley,” I replied “She didn’t even hesitate or try to deny it when I asked her last night.” The tears slowly began to fall again.  
  
"I'm sorry Tobin."  
  
“I’m not this person someone who cries all the time or has so much anger inside of her.” I stated and she nods back at me.  
  
“I know.” She replied while placing her hand on my shoulder.  
  
"I knew it was wrong Amy, I knew what it would do to Kelley." I say shaking my head. "I tried to not be with her to not have these feelings for her." Shameful tears come from my eyes. "But I love her."  
  
Alex Morgan was one of the most infuriating people, with one look she could make my whole world fall apart. She continually made me question everything I thought I knew, everything I believed in. All it took was one touch she could make me crazy. Even at her worst, I still believed she was absolutely stunning. She was the single reason behind my out of character actions over this past year. She made me a mess.  
  
Even though I loved her she made me into something I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be a liar who went behind people’s backs. I didn’t want to be the jealous person who turned her anger at all of the wrong people. I found myself making up excuses for it to be okay that Alex and I were together even though she was with Kelley. I wasn't me anymore but once I had hit that high with her, I hadn't wanted to come back down.  
  
“She has a girlfriend.” I remind myself. "I was just a placeholder.”  
  
A few days ago I would have sworn that we could make it through anything and everything but I knew it would be a lie.  
  
“Tobin I’ve known you for a long time and I know you are an amazing, caring person. You’ve just strayed away for a while but you’re still the same Tobin everyone loves. Everyone makes mistakes in their life and some people get lost when unexpected events happen to them. Alex was your unexpected event, yes you’ve made mistakes but you are fixing them, you’re being brave by leaving the one person you want most.” Amy says confidently.  
  
"Well I'm glad someone has faith in me." I lean over bumping our elbows together purposely, "I use to think of myself as a fairly level headed person, thinking with my head and my heart. Lately though I feel like they have been in a constant battle with each other for dominance." I close my eyes and try to relax, "I never believed I’d be in this situation.”  
  
“I want to be able to tell you not to be so hard on yourself and that everything will be okay." she hesitates.  
  
"But you can't." I finish for her.  
  
"Yeah." she places her hand over mine, "This situation involves too many people and too many hearts to be able to make promises like that."  
  
"I got myself in deep, didn't I?"  
  
"Since you are asking, I would say it's pretty obvious that this whole situation with Alex is far from okay." Amy said. “I know you love her Tobin, I'm not blind to that but what you need to see is that in the process, you have swayed from everything that makes you, well you." I let myself sink to the base of the tree and she follows. "You did the right thing by leaving Tobin."  
  
"It just hurts so much.” I say tearfully.  
  
“Your wounds are still fresh. It will take time Tobs."  
  
"I'm glad you're here."  
  
"Me too Toby." I frown at the nickname and she just grins innocently, "Now let’s get back before Cheney thinks we have been kidnapped or something."  
  
*  
  
We sit in Laurens living room laughing and catching up all night. They are the two best friends that I could possibly ever ask for and I am truly happy when I am with them. When you're around them they light up a room and just radiate happiness, as long as I have them I know that I will be okay. Slowly I will get back to the person I was before Alex.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bear with us.
> 
> The flashback that Tobin has refers to Chapter 3 from the night of the Canada Game and the morning after in Alex's point of view.
> 
> If this Chapter is confusing we apologize! We tried to make it as fluid as possible.

It had been exactly one week since both Tobin and Kelley had left, the difference being that I had since talked to Kelley. Staying true to her promise, we texted daily talked on the phone each night and had even Skyped a few times. Tobin, however, was a whole different story, no texts, no calls, and the only time I saw her was when we were at practices. Even then I was lucky to get a nod in my direction from her.  
  
I'm pulled out of my head by Christine Sinclair, "You ready for this one?" she asks towering over me while I was sitting in my locker.  
  
"You know it Sinc." I say pulling my headphones off and hanging them around my neck.  
  
“You need to focus on the game today, you’ve been off during practice all week,” She looks around the room before continuing to speak, "You and Tobin, what's going on there?"  
  
She catches me off guard with this and I just look at her with sad, wide eyes. "I don't know what you mean." I say calmly once I find my voice.  
  
"Look Alex, I know it’s none of this is my business," she does another scan across the room making sure no one else can hear what she is about to say, "But just a week ago I wouldn’t have been able to separate you two and now you can barely look at each other. You guys aren’t in sync on the field either."  
  
"It's really nice of you to care so much but Tobin and I are fine." I do my best to hide the pain in my voice as I lie to my friend. You would think I'd be better at this by now.  
  
"You’re doing so fine that she moved out Alex?" The look in her dark blue eyes tells me I am not getting out of this one.  
  
"H-how do know that?" I stutter.  
  
"Karina overheard Lauren and Tobin talking." she shrugs and continues to stand there expectantly.  
  
I sigh and feel myself give in. "We had a fight."  
  
"You had a fight?" she arches her brow questioningly.  
  
"Yeah." Is all I say back.  
  
She takes a seat on the bench in front of me and we just sit there for a few moments saying nothing before she speaks again. "Alex."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Did Kelley find out about you and Tobin?"  
  
I feel my jaw drop. "W-what about me and Tobin?" I tentatively ask.  
  
"Like I said I know this is none of my business..." she trails off as if she is trying to find the right words to use next, "I have seen the way you two look at each other."  
  
I feel the heat rise to my face, "I really don't know what you're talking about Christine." I was taken back mostly because I didn’t think this is a conversation I would ever have especially with Sinc of all people.  
  
"Alex let’s not play dumb here." She looks me directly in the eyes this time, "I know you are or at least were with Tobin."  
  
I feel my heart beating out of my chest and my stomach tie in knots. "Were we really that obvious?" I ask panicked.  
  
"No." I feel my body slightly relax at that.  
  
"Sinc." My shoulders slump and I hug my knees to my chest.  
  
"Alex, I'm not asking you about this to lecture you."  
  
"Then why?" I ask still trying to wrap my head around this news.  
  
"Because we're not just teammates Alex, we're friends," she leans forward and puts her hand on my cleat, "I wanted to make sure you were okay."  
  
I feel myself smile slightly, "I've been better."  
  
"What happened Alex?"  
  
"She told me to choose between her and Kelley and when I couldn't do that, she told me she couldn't keep being second best to Kelley and left." My voice is strained as I fight back tears.  
  
"Do you still love her?" she asks.  
  
"Which one?" I awkwardly laugh as I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands.  
  
"Kelley."  
  
"Yeah, I do." I say with a loud huff before leaning back against the wall.  
  
She nods, "That's rough."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You know I love Kelley," she begins as she shifts on the bench, "She's a great girl and it's never been a secret how much she cares for you.”  
  
I give her a 'where are you going with this?' kind of look.  
  
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that Tobin is great too, Alex. I see the way she looks at you, she adores you."   
  
"Sincy."  
  
"I know you love her too Alex.”  
  
I let out a sigh, "I do."  
  
She looked away and took a deep breath. “Jealousy isn't an emotion we deal with well, you can't blame Tobin for leaving."  
  
"It hurts." I say struggling to keep it together.  
  
"I'm not trying to upset you before the game." her eyes are sympathetic now, "Sometimes you have to take a step back to know when to let go, and what is most important. Take the time and space that Tobin has given you and sort out your feelings. You owe it not only to both Kelley and Tobin but yourself as well. I don't want to see any of you get hurt.”  
  
I'm about to say something when suddenly the rest of the team comes barging into the locker room, Tobin and Lauren in tow  
  
I smile up at her and when she brushes me off completely, I am left feeling absolutely defeated.  
  
“Alex.” Sinc says with sternness in her voice distracting me from Tobin’s coldness, “This conversation was to help you clear your head for the game. I need you to focus out there and get this win.”  
  
As Sinc walks away I can’t help but let my mind cloud with thoughts about Tobin.  
  
*  
  
The time clock on the scoreboard read 37:48. Lindsay Taylor and Ella Masar had tallied a goal each off crosses from Diana Matheson early in the game and I had been running myself ragged trying to come back from them. All game I have been fouled and shoved around, it's typical I can usually handle it but with being down two goals and everything else going on in my life, I am seeing red.  
  
I watch as Lauren intercepts a pass from one of the Spirit players and I'm on the run calling out for the ball. We both see the opening and I am doing my best to get there as she lofts the ball, when suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my side and I am hitting the ground hard. I feel my jaw tighten and I clench my fists hitting the ground when I see that the ref didn't even call it. Diana is standing over me now trying to help me up and this time it's my turn to brush someone off. She grabs my arm to say something to me and I turn around in just enough time to see Carmelina Moscato pull her back.  
  
I hear Cheney yelling something at me but I ignore her, I don't want to hear it. Moments later I'm at the goal colliding with Ashlyn for what is probably the tenth time that night. I hear her grunt as we hit the ground and she is mumbling something to herself as we go to get up.  
  
"What was that?" I ask harshly.  
  
Ashlyn broadens her stance, "I said I'm not a fucking punching bag for you and Tobin's messed up relationship problems."  
  
I am way past the point of seeing red now and before I realize it I’m in Ashlyn's face spitting hateful words her way. Ali is quick to put herself between us and I notice her outwardly flinch as I continue to go off on her girlfriend.  
  
My face is burning and my ears are ringing when suddenly I feel a hand pulling on my shoulder. I snap my head around quickly and I’m shocked to see Tobin standing there.  
  
"Come on Lex, just let it go."  
  
Her eyes are soft and filled with concern and my line of fire is quickly averted from Ashlyn and directed towards Tobin as I forcefully shrug her off.  
  
"You. What did you tell Ashlyn?" I snapped at her.  
  
Tobin looked away guilty. "Alex please, not here." she pleaded.  
  
"I can't believe this." I growl.  
  
"I'm sorry Alex." Her voice was hushed, "Ash and Ali wanted to come stay with us when they came up for the game, and I didn't want to make things harder on you."  
  
"Don’t act like you care after walking away and ignoring me this whole week.” I put so much hate into my words I can barely recognize my own voice.  
  
"I do." she replied calmly, I laugh menacingly.  
  
Tobin grabs my arms. "Don't do this Alex," she warned. "Not now."  
  
"Let go." I glare at her angrily.  
  
"Alex."  
  
"No. After everything, you just left." My voice rising with each word. "You’re so selfish."  
  
She inwardly flinches and I know my words hurt, "I said let go." I yell and push her off of me.  
  
Tobin stumbles backwards and tries to steady herself, Lauren quickly at her side.  
  
"You act like you're so innocent." Lauren says fiercely.  
  
"I didn’t do anything wrong she chose this not me." I glowered at her.  
  
"Who are you trying to convince Morgan?" she replied heatedly.  
  
Before I can get another word in edgewise, the ref is in my personal space holding up a yellow card and Christine has me by my shoulders apologizing for my conduct as she drags me off.

The rest of the game goes in a blur continually feeling anger towards Ashlyn for calling Tobin and I out on the field and for Tobin even telling her in the first place. Everything seems to be going wrong and I can't stop it

I'm taking my gear off in the locker room when Sinc approaches me but I dont bother to look up.

"Alex what the hell was that?"

"I kept getting fouled." I say as a poor excuse.

"You better figure this out before every game ends up with you in a brawl with everyone on the field." Sinc states frustration ringing through her voice.

I lean my head back trying to calm down when I see Tobin across the locker room staring at me. We keep eye contact for a painful moment before she breaks it away and walks out of the locker room without a second glance.

 

**  
  
Shifting awkwardly, I stand outside the opposing team’s locker room waiting for Ashlyn and Ali when finally the door opens and I see an arm full of tattoos.  
  
"Hey." I mumble as she walks over to me and gives me a big hug.  
  
"Hey Tobs." I can feel her smile against my cheek.  
  
"I ugh- I’m sorry about Alex." I manage. "She has had a tough week and then with the game."  
  
Ashlyn just shrugs "Don't go around apologizing and making excuses for her Tobin. She needs to take some responsibility for her actions and start growing up."  
  
As she says this, the locker room door opens again and this time it's Ali that makes her way out, bag on shoulder.  
  
"What Ashlyn really means to say is that Alex needs to do a little maturing." Ali says as she slides her arm around Ashlyn's and leans into her.  
  
"Nope, I meant what I said." Ashlyn states with a grin before receiving a small love tap on the arm from Ali.  
  
"It's okay dude." I laugh as I watch the two interact with each other.  
  
"What Alex said to you on the field, I didn't know that she didn't know that I knew, you know?" the blonde apologizes.  
  
"No it's fine. That one is entirely on me."  
  
Ali reaches out and takes my hand. "Try not to think too much." she squeezes it encouragingly. I wish it were that easy.  
  
"I'm trying." I say.

I know I shouldve apologized to Alex for telling Ashlyn and not telling her that I did, but I couldnt bring myself to talk to her not after her blow up on the field. I didn't even actually mean to tell Ashlyn it just kind of happened after the Canada game about a year ago. I think back to the morning after Alex and I had hooked up from the first time and the day that Ashlyn found out about us.

  
*

  
I slowly open my eyes, the light that’s coming into the hotel room is too much and I quickly shut them. When I try to move, I realize that I can't, I’m being held down by a set of strong and warm arms. The panic immediately sets in as I abruptly become aware that underneath the sheets I am naked. My heart is racing and my head pounding, I groan and put a hand to my head, too much alcohol the night before. What had I done last night?

I was afraid to look behind me, not sure who I would find. I slowly open my eyes and when I turned around; my breath gets caught in my throat. Alex Morgan was lying beside me completely naked. I am sure I would have flown off the bed if it wasn't for her arms wrapped around me.

All of the previous nights memories come rushing back and I swear the room starts spinning.

It almost feels like it wasn’t real, like it had been a dream or I imagined it. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I can still feel the way Alex's hands tangled in my hair, my swollen lips against hers, the way her hot breathe felt against my skin.

She is breathtakingly, painfully beautiful as I watch her sleep and without warning, all the emotions I had tried to put away in Paris come full circle. I had never felt more alive than I had last night in Alex's embrace. I give myself a moment to try and take it all in before I carefully untangle myself from Alex and slip out of the bed. I dress quickly and make my way over to the table where I had left my phone and notice Alex's there as well. I don't know what posses me to do it but I turn her phone on and I feel my heart drop into my stomach when three missed calls, a voicemail, and two text messages from Kelley pop up on the screen. Kelley, my best friend and Alex's longtime girlfriend, I had completely forgotten about her this morning until now.

I quietly place her phone back down and pick mine up immediately texting Cheney a code red before I head down to get breakfast.

*

I look down at my watch and see that it's only seven in the morning hopefully no one else is up yet. I make my way over to bagels and as I’m waiting for it to toast, someone says my name and I practically jump out of my skin.

“Dude you’re on edge.” Ashlyn says groggily grabbing food herself.

“Just early,” I say doing my best to seem believable, "Not fully awake yet."

Ashlyn gets unusually quiet I can feel her eyes on me, as I turn to her I see that she has the biggest smirk on her face. "Get it Tobs!"

“What dude?” I ask confused.

“Tobin, you have a hickey on your neck." My hand flies up in attempt to cover my neck as Ashlyn's grin just gets wider. "Looks like I missed out on something big last night after I left."

I feel panic rising in my chest as the reality of what happened last night finally hits me.

"Dude your face is so red right now." she laughs at me.

I can't seem to find my voice and she takes my silence as her cue to continue, “So who is the lucky person Tobs?

“You didn't miss a thing," I say too quickly, "Nothing happened I have to go.”

“Was Alex Morgan too much to handle?” Ashlyn is full out laughing now.

My stomach started to turn and my head felt like it was going to explode. Did Ashlyn know something? I was in full out panic mode and all I wanted to do was run in the opposite direction.

She looked up after several moments of silence and her face instantly changed the moment she saw my expression.

“No fucking way Tobin. No fucking way! I was joking but it's true, you and Morgan?”

The blood was completely drained from my face. “Oh God," was all I could muster before swiftly making my way out of the breakfast room.

I got half way down the hall before I heard Ashlyn running after me.

“Tobin wait. Hold up a minute.” for a goalkeeper she was pretty fast, "Tobin Powell Heath."

I stop, all the energy I'd previously had this morning just drained from my body. Come on Heath, pull yourself together I think to myself.

“Ashlyn I don’t need a lecture.”

She steps closer, “Oh Tobin trust me you do. How could you and Alex do that behind Kelley’s back? They’ve been together for like ever and she’s your best friend. That’s pretty fucked up.” I could hear the disapproval in her voice.

“I know Ashlyn. You think I don't know that?" My posture suddenly turning defensive as I fold my arms across my chest.

"Tobin." Ashlyn says quietly.

"This wasn’t supposed to happen." I could feel myself breaking down and my voice cracking under the pressure, "I don’t even understand it Ash so I certainly don't expect you to."

“Really? Have you forgotten who you are talking to Tobin?" Ashlyn takes a step back shaking her head. “I was like the poster child for fuck ups."

"You're not that person anymore Ash."

"I have Ali to thank for that." she says, her face softening.

"I know." I say looking down at my Nike's, "I'm glad you guys found each other."

"She's good for me." say replies shuffling her feet and there's a long silence before she speaks again, "You're in deep bro."

"I know. I never should have told Alex I loved her."

“You love her?”

“I do."

“Well shit." Ashlyn says like she can’t believe what she just heard. "How long Tobin?”

"What do you mean?"

"How long has this been going on?”

"I told her I loved her the night before I left for Paris. It didn’t go well and we hadn't really talked until I got back a few days ago. Last night was the first time we, well you know.” I say not being able to look her in the eye. "Last night just randomly happened and I haven’t even been able to take a moment to process all of it.”

“What about Kelley?”

“I can't help how I feel. Trust me I've done everything I could to not feel this way about Alex. I don’t want to hurt her though Ash she's my best friend, I would never want to hurt her," I could feel the desperation in my voice, "I've ruined everything."

“Tobin I know you can’t help how you feel but from experience I know that sometimes you can't always act on it. Alex and Kelley have been together for a long time now and it would be a monumental disaster if she found out about this. Alex is with Kelley and let’s be honest, she was pretty upset and drunk last night. There is a high chance that she is going to wake up and completely freak out about what happened between you two.”

“So what do I do Ash? Tell me what I should do.” my voice showing how truly scared I was now.

“You have to tell Alex it was a mistake and that it will never happen again. You also have to make sure that she doesn’t tell Kelley. I would hate to see you lose your two best friends because of it.” Ashlyn says giving my forearm a squeeze.

“You’re right I can’t believe this all happened.” My eyes blur I don’t bother to hide the tears that are welling up in my eyes.

“Hey dude it will be okay." she pulls me in for a hug, "You have to talk to Alex, but first we gotta get that hickey covered up and lucky for you I happen to know just the girl for the job."

A couple minutes later we're in Ali’s room and she’s staring at me in shock as Ashlyn whispers to her about what happened.

I hear Ali when she says, “No way!” but Ashlyn quickly shushes her.

After several moments of them whispering back and forth they come over to me but I can’t even make eye contact with either of them.

I hear Ali‘s voice and I flinch. “Tobin if you want me to cover it up you are going to have to show me it.” I was surprised by how soft her voice was.

I moved my hair out of the way Ali didn't bother to hide the gasp that escaped her mouth.

“She really got you good Tobs.” I can hear the playfulness in Ali’s voice. I know she is trying to lighten the mood, my body relaxing a little bit.

Ali is quiet after that working diligently to hide the bruise that’s formed on my neck.

“You guys don’t hate me or anything right? I just don’t want you guys to think of me differently.” I look down not being able to meet their eyes.

Ali stops what she’s doing and grabs my hand which gives me the courage to look up.

"Tobin we aren't saying what you guys did was okay but we would never hate you for it. Ash and I are in no position to judge right babe?" Ali looks over at Ashlyn.

"Yeah dude honestly I would do anything to be with Ali whether it was right or wrong. I'm not saying that it’s okay to continue to do it and it makes it harder for you considering it's Kelley and Alex but no we would never hate you for it."

"I'm sorry for dragging you guys into this I know you are both close with Kelley."

"It isn't our place to tell her and if we can avoid hurting her then I think that is the best thing we can do." Ashlyn says watching Ali finish putting cover up on my neck.

"There you should be good but I would wear a sweatshirt or anything that could cover it up even more." Ali says holding up a mirror so I can see the finished results.

The hickey was almost completely gone she had done an amazing job covering it up. I knew that I was lucky enough that no one else saw but I couldn't help feel the sadness of the events that have occurred. I get up to leave to go back to my hotel room but before I go Ashlyn calls out my name and I turn around to look at her.

"Remember Tobs last night was a huge mistake that should've never happened. There was too much alcohol involved and that you should both forget about it ever happening. Make sure she knows that it was a mistake that you don’t want to hurt Kelley and to keep it between you two. Make it believable Tobin."

I nod knowing that this is the right thing to do but I can’t help but feel the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach rise into my chest.

I get to my hotel room but I can't bring myself to to open the door. I'm scared of how Alex is going to react and how painful its going to be to tell her it was all a mistake. I breathe trying to calm myself and as I go to open the door, the door handle is already being pulled open.

"Hey Tobs!" Kelley says excitedly and I can't help but take a step back.

"H-hey Kell." I stumble out. 

"You're so weird Tobs but gotta go get ready. I'll catch ya later." Kelley says as she walks off towards her room completely unphased.

I was caught off guard thinking that she was going to come out crying or ready to hit me. Alex must've not told her and I felt relief sweep through me as I begin to relax.  The relief that I felt for Kelley being happy to see me gave me the courage to do what I had to. I have to tell Alex it was a mistake for Kelley and Alex's sake.

  
*

I get pulled out of the memory of that day from a year ago as Ashlyn shakes me lightly.

   
"Tobs you okay? Ash says concerned, "You seem distracted?"

"Oh sorry guys just stuck in my own head." I say trying to be reassuring.

"Well lets get Cheney and head out for some drinks, I think we could all use them after that game." Ashlyn says slinging an arm around my shoulder.

As we walked out to the car I caught a glimpse of Alex, she was wiping her eyes as she got into her car. My heart ached for her but I had to stick with my decision whether it was for the best or not.

  
**

I didn't even bother to shower at the locker room I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I knew I couldn't face Ashlyn or Ali and I know Tobin didnt want to see me so I drove back to the apartment feeling completely alone.

I had just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying my hair when I hear my phone going off in the next room, instantly knowing it is Kelley from the song that is playing. Even though I'm still reeling from the game earlier I can’t help but smile knowing it’s her and I throw my towel down as I trudge into my room to get my phone.

"Hey Kell." I say with a loud sigh as I answer my phone.

"Hey." I can hear the wind blowing and loud traffic through the other line.

"What are you doing?" I ask as I make my way into the kitchen to find something to eat.

The line is silent for a moment before she answers, "Christen and I just got done dinner, we're walking back to the apartment now."

"Oh." I say as I make myself a sandwich, "I miss you Kelley."

"I miss you too Lex. We will see each other soon, I promise."

"I know." I sit myself down at the kitchen island, "It's just that everything is so ugh." I huff, frustrated.

"Bad game?" she asks quietly.

"Bad game, bad day, bad week." I reply with a sad laugh. "Really bad game."

"Yeah, I saw that." her voice soft and kind, "You know you can talk to me about anything."

"I know, thank you Kell." Looking up, I see a picture of her and I after she won the MAC Hermann Trophy on the fridge and I feel a faint smile form on my face at the memory of that day. The following year I had been a finalist as well, losing out to Christen.

"Oh by the way congratulations on your guys win today over Kansas City. It looks like you two have been taking a page from your old Stanford days, two goals each. Seems you and Christen are beating out Sinc and I for the most potent front line in the league." I inquire putting an emphasis on potent.

I don't have to see her to know she is cringing at my choice of words. "Alexandra Patricia Morgan, you know I hated when people would say that." she bursts out over the line and there is something freeing about the playful banter.

"I know." I say, my face splitting into a smile.

"Honestly they could have used any other word, effective, forceful, almighty even!"

"Almighty?" I'm laughing now. "You're something else."

"I'll choose to take that as a compliment." she replies with an amused voice.

"Take it however you want O'Hara." I say whimsically.

There's another moment of silence and just when I think our call may have been disconnected, I hear her speak. "So," she says hesitantly, "You want to tell me what was up with you and Tobin on the field?" I immediately freeze up and almost as if she can sense it through the phone she adds, "That is if you want to talk about it."

I quickly find my voice and like a pro, form more lies, "Yeah it's fine, I let the stress of the game get to me when I shouldn't have and then she was sticking up for Ashlyn. I just lost my cool."

"Have you apologized to her?" she asks.

"Uh I haven't really had the chance." I push my plate away, "She went to stay with Lauren tonight," the guilt evident in my voice.

"Lex, it will be okay don't worry too much." she laughs lightly into the phone, "This is Tobin we are talking about she is probably only staying with Lauren to give you some space to cool down."

"Yeah." I say uneasily.

If Kelley noticed, she didn't say anything. "They were fouling you all over the place those refs sucked, I'm sorry babe."

"Thank you for sympathizing with me."

"What else are girlfriends good for?" she jokes.

"I can think of a few things." I flirt.

"Oh yeah?" I can practically hear the grin in her voice.

"I wish you were here Kelley" I say as I grin sheepishly.

"I know me too." she says.

Suddenly there is a knock at my door. I turn my head quickly, my heart leapt, was that Tobin? If so why didn't she just come in?

"Hold on Kelley, someone’s at the door." I hear her mumble an 'okay' as I get up from my seat and head for the door.

As I look through the peephole my eyes light up and a smile curls on my face. I bring the phone back up to my ear. "I have to go Kelley." I say before hanging up and throwing open the door pulling the person in front of me into a tight hug.

"I know what you're thinking, dream come true right?" she mumbles into my neck.

"You're really here." I say just above a whisper as I pull back, letting her go.

"Yeah, I really am." Kelley's face seems to grow brighter the longer I stare at her not believing she is really here. “I promised you would see me soon." she pipes up.

"I can't believe you drove all the way here."

"When you got the card right before halftime, I packed my bag and got in the car." She takes my hand and leads me back into the apartment, "I don't have practice tomorrow and I figured you needed me."

She turns around and brings her arms up resting them on my shoulders as my own wind around her waist.

"You're too good to me." I proclaim smiling down at her, "I'm glad you're here Kelley."  

"I'm glad I'm here too Alex." She says back before she leans up and kisses me.

*

I couldn't sleep so instead I chose to watch Kelley as she did. She looked so beautiful, so innocent and peaceful, I couldn’t help myself.  
   
It wasn’t like me to be anything other than honest and straightforward but here I was, acting completely out of character. I hated myself for what I was doing, all the lies and half-truths kept adding up. The fact that I had not only been cheating on my girlfriend was shitty in itself, but that I had been cheating on her with her best friend just made it even worse.

Here I was laying with Kelley, a girl I loved dearly and had spent much of my life with and yet I still felt like there was something missing. Carefully so as not to wake her, I disentangled myself from the sleeping girl by my side. I watch as Kelley shifts in her sleep, snuggling closer to her pillow. Even in the darkened room I could make out her features perfectly, over the years I had memorized every inch of her.

I wasn’t being fair, not to Tobin and certainly not to Kelley. I had hurt them both, used them both, and it had to stop. The only thing that I had to be thankful for was that Kelley hadn't figured out the truth yet and even then, I knew it was just borrowed time.

It was getting harder and harder all the sneaking around, the stolen glances, the secrets kept, they were no longer enough. Tobin wanted more, needed more hell she deserved more and I wanted to be able to give her that.

I would do anything for her, but would I go that far? Would I actually leave Kelley for her? It was all about choices and I was the one that had to make them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment everyone's world crumbles.

"We won, we won, oh yeah we won!” I couldn’t help but be pumped up from today’s earlier friendly match.

“Kelley, stop moving so much you’re making me dizzy.” Ali jokes as I continue to dance around her and Ashlyn.

“Seriously Kelley contain yourself.” Ashlyn was laughing at me but I was just so excited to be back with the team and to have another win under our belt.

We had played against Germany perfectly; all of our passes and shots were so fluid and smooth.

“Guys how are you not as stoked as I am for this win? We just beat the number two ranked team in the world 3-0!”

“Kell we are but you’re like wired right now. Relax and take a seat we have to eat dinner then we will take you on a walk so you can get some of that energy out.” Ashlyn says trying not to laugh at me.

“I’m not a dog Ashlyn!”

Ali looks serious turning towards Ashlyn, “What kind of breed do you think she is?”

Ashlyn closes her mouth trying not to laugh again, pretending to contemplate her answer.

“Chihuahua for sure. They’re annoying and yappy just like Kell over here.”

“Hey! Boss and I take offense to that.” Sydney says petting her Chihuahua that she brought on the trip with us.

“Careful guys, Sydney is very serious about breed discrimination.” Kristie says smirking towards Sydney.

“You’re right Syd, Boss isn’t as annoying.” Ashlyn teases further.

I swatted her in the arm as Ali and Ashlyn both started to laugh.

“I'm so hungry!" I whine as I notice that they both haven’t come down yet for dinner. "What is taking Tobin and Alex so long to get down here.”

“I don’t know but I’m sure they will be down soon.” Ashlyn says growing more serious.

“I’m going to go see what is taking them so long.”

“No!” Ashlyn says loudly, I look over at Ali and her eyes are wide and she’s fidgeting. They’re so weird. “Don’t leave me with Ali, every time we're alone she tries to touch me and it’s so awkward.”

Ali slaps Ashlyn who is smiling teasingly at her. “Shut up Ash.”

“I think you can handle it Ash.” I smile at how red Ali's face turns, "I'll be right back."

“They will be down literally any second let’s just go get our seats.” Ashlyn insists again.

“It will only take a minute you guys.” I start jogging off. "Save me and Alex seats!" I yell over my shoulder.

“Kelley wait!” I hear Ashlyn yell but I’m already entering the elevator.

 

*

As I bound down the hallway, I smile to myself at how brilliant I am for having stolen Alex’s room key from her earlier. Counting the numbers on the doors I finally find myself at their room, I pull the card out of my sweatshirt pocket, quickly swipe it and push open the door, "Alex and Tobin, I don't know what-" I freeze, not being able to process what is going on for several seconds.

My mind is reeling as I stare at my best friend and my girlfriend in a not so innocent embrace. They pull apart so fast I almost think it didn’t actually happen.

I feel sick as the images of Tobin’s arms wrapped around Alex’s waist, Alex’s hands holding Tobin’s face as they kissed permanently burn their way into my memory.

Not sure what to do next, I hear myself mutter, “Oh god.” and then as if they had a mind of their own, my legs are carrying me as I run from the room, trying to escape the nightmare that I just seen with my own eyes.

 

*

I could hear them running after me but I just pushed faster, I needed to leave, to get away.

I make it to the dining hall before Ashlyn reaches out stopping me in my tracks.

“Kelley slow down.” She says frantically grabbing hold of me.

“Kelley wait!” Alex is yelling as she catches up to me.

I can feel everyone staring at us now and it's just all too much as the moment comes crashing down all around me and I feel like I can't breathe.

She reaches out for me and I recoil from her touch. I feel my body shaking and when I finally look up, our eyes meet and I can see how much that hurt her. For a split second I almost want to comfort Alex and apologize but that quickly goes away when I notice Tobin run up behind her.

“How could you Alex!” I cry out.

"Kelley-" she stops before she even begins and I notice her look around the room at everyone there. "Let’s go somewhere else please?" she asks pleadingly.

"No." I answer quickly, "We are going to do this right here." I see the fear flash in her eyes and I do my best to shake off how much that affects me. "How could you kiss her Alex? How could you kiss Tobin? I ask desperate for an understanding of what I had just witnessed as the whole room suddenly goes quiet.

“Kelley please, I-” I don't even let her finish.

“My best friend Alex? She's my best friend!” I stop and glare past Alex to Tobin, "Or at least she was my best friend." I say pointedly.

“Kelley just let me explain.” Alex says frantic.

“Explain what Alex? How long have you been going behind my back with my best friend!” My voice was rising by the second and I could feel the tears burning my eyes before rolling down my cheeks. "Seven years Alex. We have been together for seven years and now you do this!"

Alex just stands there, not saying anything.

My anger rises and I don't feel like myself anymore. “How long?” Alex still doesn't say a thing, doesn't move an inch and so I step closer and repeat myself, "How fucking long Alex?" I am yelling now and that's when I hear her.

“Kelley.” It's Tobin speaking for Alex now and I don't know what comes over me but the sudden rage I feel boils over and I go full force towards Tobin, slamming my hands into her chest.

Tobin goes stumbling backwards and before she can fully steady herself I go for her again. I get one more good shove in before I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me pulling me back.

“That’s enough.” I hear Laurens stern voice and I look up to see her standing next to Tobin. Tobin’s eyes are glazed over, her jaw tight.

I immediately feel like a child being scolded. “Lauren, you don't understand. You don't know what they have been doing behind my back.” I say trying to reason with her as to why I was going after her friend. We lock eyes and I am quick to notice just how wrong I am about that. I feel my stomach turn and she takes a step toward me, putting herself between Tobin and me.

“Kelley you don’t want to do this here.” The tone of her voice answers my suspicions.

I pull out of the grasp that Hope has on me. “I guess it’s safe to say that you knew. Who else?”

I look around the room at everyone, finding confused and shocked faces everywhere I turn, until I get to Ashlyn and Ali, guilt and fear evident in their features.

I’m surprised at how menacing my laugh is when it comes out, “Of course you two knew. That's why you were trying to stop me from going to get them.”

Ashlyn steps forward, “We didn't want you to get hurt."

"You didn't want me to get hurt? My best friend and my girlfriend are going behind my back and you think by keeping it a secret that I won't get hurt?" I feel like my whole world is crashing around me as I start to realize that all the people I was closest to have betrayed me. "You of all people should know that secrets don't stay secrets for long." My tone is dangerous and I see her visibly flinch.

"It wasn't our place to tell you, Kelley." her voice is looming.

I laugh, “Not your place? So it wasn't okay for you to tell me but it was okay for you to keep their secret from me? You’re an amazing friend.”

“That isn't fair Kelley and you know it.”

“No Ashlyn what isn’t fair is that I thought you we’re actually one of my best friends. But it seems like I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately.”

“Kelley leave her alone.” Tobin commands loudly.

“Always the noble friend right Tobin?" I say approaching her. "The person everyone can trust the most because of her unwavering honesty.” I laugh to myself knowing how much of a lie that is now, “Show us all how honest you really are Tobs.”

I hear Lauren begin to say something but she quickly stops as Tobin says something to her.

I direct my attention to all of our teammates. “How long Tobin?”

“We’ve been continually seeing each other for a couple months.” she says making direct eye contact with me.

“Continually? Meaning it’s happened before? When? I want to know.” I tried to stay calm but I couldn’t hold it in, “Tell me Tobin!”

The first time anything happened was before I left for Paris last year when I kissed her. Nothing happened again until our Friendly against Canada last summer.” Tobin puts it out there in such a matter of fact way that my heart breaks more.

“Are you sleeping with her?” I can’t believe I even have to ask but at this point I don’t know anything anymore.

“Yes.” I see a few tears escape from her eyes.

I swear I could actually hear my heart break. I look over at Alex, my girlfriend, who I’ve been faithfully in love with for seven years now. I'm praying for her to at least try to deny this, tell me Tobin was lying, anything but what I am actually hearing. Her hand is covering her mouth as she shakes her head like she can’t believe this is happening and my anger spikes again.

Tears were pouring down my cheeks at this point. “Are you fucking kidding me? This whole time you’ve been sleeping with my best friend? After everything we've been through. I was trying so hard to make this work. I felt so bad about things," My shaking stops momentarily as my mind starts piecing it all together. When I speak again I can hear my voice start to crack. "You let me feel bad about everything and yet this whole time you were going behind my back with her. You lied straight to my face Alex." I look over at Tobin again, "You both lied straight to my face." I shake my head in disbelief, "I feel like such an idiot."

Alex shoulders were shaking as she sobbed and when she finally lifted her gaze from the floor to look at me, I felt like I was looking at a complete stranger.

As the realization of all the lies and betrayal came crashing down on, I broke. Mentally and physically broke.

“I trusted both of you with absolutely everything.” I look at Tobin who is completely pale. “I asked you to keep her safe, you knew how much I loved her, and then you go and do this?”

“I love her too Kelley.” Tobin says without hesitation.

“She wasn’t yours to have Tobin! Alex was mine, she was my girlfriend.” I yell not wanting to accept her confession.

“I’m sorry Kelley.”

“You’re not sorry Tobin don’t fucking kid yourself.” I retort.

“We we’re going to tell you.” She says it as if that would make it all okay.

I turn to Alex not wanting to hear any more from Tobin and wanting Alex to tell me this herself.

“So you and Tobin were going to tell me Alex? Was that before or after you let me move across the country for you. Or was it before or after we had sex when I visited you last week? When Alex?”

“Kelley.” Alex whispered reaching out to me.

“The better question is how did I not know?” I scoff at myself, “All those times I thought you were distracted or upset because of us or the jokes I use to make about you cuddling with Tobin if you got lonely when I’d leave. All the sad looks, or awkward silences from you were because you we‘re sleeping with her the whole time.”

“Kelley please.” She grabs for me again but I push her arm away.

“Don’t. There is nothing you can possibly say that would ever make this okay. You both ruined everything.”

I couldn’t stand to look at them, or to see all the faces around me looking at me with sad eyes like I was someone to pity.

It was like she knew exactly how I was feeling, “Come on.” I heard Hope say softly as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and guided me in the direction of the door.

 

*

As soon as I got outside, I inhaled deeply trying to catch my breath.

“I feel so stupid.”

“You shouldn’t feel stupid. I don’t think anyone would expect their girl and their best friend to be hooking up behind their back.” Hope tries to be helpful but it makes it worse.

I let out another sob, I can’t contain it anymore, it’s all just so much to handle.

“This whole time all I’ve thought was how grateful I was for them to be in Portland together so Alex wouldn’t be alone while I was gone. I have been feeling so guilty because I thought I wasn’t giving Alex the attention that she deserved. We have been through so much, experienced so much together, and she threw it away for my best friend. The sad thing is now I don’t even have my best friend to go to about it. I lost them both, what am I supposed to do now Hope?”

Hope’s sitting on the curb with me now rubbing my back, “I’m not going to tell you to try and move on or pick up the pieces because that’s bullshit. What you have to do now is learn to live your life without them. You have to start over, that’s all you can do.”

“I don’t know how.” I say rubbing my sleeve against my nose. "I can't even remember my life without either of them."

“Right now all you can do is let it sink in. There is a lot you will have to accept and think about before you think about trying to move past it.

“Seven years Hope. I gave seven years of my life to this girl and now I feel like I don't even know her anymore." I look out in the distance, "And Tobin, we were best friends for so long, how could they do this to me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how people can hurt the ones they love but they do.” Hope’s eyes were distant like she was talking to herself. I was going to ignore it before I saw her eyes become watery with tears.

“Hope are you okay?” I ask.

“Nothing to worry about Kell I just can relate more to your situation than you think.” She lets out a humorless laugh.

“Wait Jerramy cheated on you?”

“More than once and I tried to overlook it but I realized one day that I deserved more than him. I filed for divorce months ago and it will be official in a couple of days.” she gives me a look, "Carli is the only other one who knows, so I'd appreciate if you kept it between us."

"Of course." I say grabbing her hand squeezing it. “I’m so sorry Hope.”

“It’s okay I will be fine and you will be too Kell.” Hope uses her free hand to wipe away her tears.

“How could they do this?”

That was the repeated question I asked myself the rest of the night and I was just thankful Hope was there.

**

Ever since Kelley had come to surprise me after the game against the Spirit something had changed inside of me. When she had fallen asleep that night I couldn’t help but feel like there was a huge part of me still missing. I had not slept a wink and instead had stayed up deep in thought. After Kelley left that morning I had gone for a run to clear my head and do some much needed self-reflection. That's when it fully dawned on me, that no matter how hard it was going to be that my choice was Tobin. I loved Kelley, the way I saw it I would always love Kelley. She was my first real love and I don't think that kind of thing ever truly goes away but things change, people change and that's not always a bad thing. It's just different, my life was different, I was different, my feelings towards Kelley were different, nothing was quite the same as it use to be. It wasn't like I was going to try to forget Kelley, it just meant that I was moving on.

The past two weeks since Tobin had left have been excruciating. When Tobin had walked out, there was a part of me that left with her. I had not realized how badly I needed her in my life until it was too late and she was already gone. Our apartment was empty and quiet, her laughter no longer enveloping the room. Everything was still there, still the same, but it felt cold and unwelcoming without her presence.

Tobin’s been my roommate the past four days at camp and I’ve barely seen her because she’s been avoiding me.

We’re all hanging out in the huge lounge room that they made up for us and I see her get up knowing she was heading to the room because I'm not there and this may be my only chance to get her alone. We would be leaving tomorrow and I needed her to know.

I follow a couple minutes after and start walking to the elevators when I feel someone grab my arm and turn me around.

“Don’t do it Alex.” Ashlyn says as she grips my arm and stares intensely into my eyes.

I yank my arm back; bothered at the fact that she thought she could grab me like that.

“What are you talking about Ashlyn?” I say it not hiding the annoyance in my voice as I continued to lose precious time.

Ashlyn doesn’t back down, “I talked to Tobin, just let it go Alex. She’s trying to move on and you have a chance to walk away.”

“I don’t want to walk away.” I turn trying to go to the elevators but she grabs me again.

“I’m serious Alex. Don’t fuck this up.”

My anger flares, “You would know all about fucking up wouldn’t you?” I see the hurt in Ashlyn’s eyes as I bring up her past mistakes with Ali and instantly feel a pang of guilt, “I'm sorry Ashlyn, I shouldn't have said that." I look at the floor guiltily, "Just this is none of your business.”

I leave her standing there, focusing on the only thing I can. Tobin.

*

I realize I don’t have my room key so I knock a couple times hoping for Tobin to still be there.

When she finally opens the door I see the confused expression on her face and I smile at how adorable it is.

“Tobin we need to talk.” I say breathlessly.

“Okay? About what?” she says it cautiously, as she steps back giving me enough room to move past her and into the room.

I turn around to face her and I just burst, “I miss you, I miss everything about you. I miss your messes, the smell of your shampoo, how you laugh at cartoons in the morning, how you can make me smile no matter how mad I am, I miss us and how happy you made me.”

Tobin just stands there staring into my eyes intently like what I’m saying isn’t enough for her.

“I’m going to tell Kelley that I don’t want to be with her. I know I messed up and I don’t expect you to just come back to me, I know it’s not that easy. But I just wanted you to know whether you want to be with me or not, that I’m telling Kelley.”

She sighs, “Why would you do that?”

“Because there is a part of me that left with you when you walked out of our apartment. A part of me that no one else can have not even Kelley.”

“You don’t mean this Alex you just think you do.”

“Tobin I want to be with you."

She runs her hand through her hair and I can see the frustrated look on her face. “Alex, you just don’t want to be lonely." she deadpans.

I stare at her and not willing to back down, for the first time in a long time I am confident in my choices, “If I am lonely, it's because you aren't there Tobin, not because she isn't. I’m going to tell her, I truly mean it this time. She deserves to know the truth no matter how hard it’s going to be.”

Her eyes go wide and she becomes speechless.

“I’m going to tell Kelley,” I repeat so it sinks in, “It took me this long to realize it but I need you more than anyone. I love you, I am in love with you Tobin Powell Heath.”

“Alex jus-” I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

“Look Tobin, I’m going to end things with her either way I just wanted you to know.”

“Don’t tell her Alex. You’ll regret it we both know Kelley is your choice.” Tobin says and I hear the defeat in her voice.

“You are my choice Tobin. You have always been my choice since the moment I kissed you in our apartment all those months ago. I told you that you were scared that day but I realized that I’ve been the one who’s scared, but I’m not scared anymore. I know what I want Tobin, I want you and only you.”

I go to walk away because I said what I needed to and I get halfway to the door before I feel her hands on my waist and she’s spinning me around.

She pulls me in and our lips crash together in a fierce lock. I feel the familiar rhythm of our mouths moving together and I feel myself relax into the kiss. Her lips are urgent against mine and I grab her face trying to pull her closer.

The void was being filled inside of me every time our lips moved, every time I inhaled in her familiar scent. The same unfamiliar excitement rising inside of me, flowing into this kiss.

Our kiss is interrupted when we hear the door fly open and Kelley's words are cut short when she sees us.

I feel like time stopped and I couldn’t move as her eyes are on us flicking back and forth between us.

“Oh god.” is all she says before she turns and bolts.

*

I could hear Tobin running closely behind me and we followed her all the way to the dining hall. I needed to talk to her, needed to explain that it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Kelley had made it half way to the door in the dining all when Ashlyn grabbed her stopping her.

“Kelley wait!” I yell knowing this is my only chance to reach her.

Everyone’s eyes are on us at the scene we’re causing and I couldn’t help feel my face flush.

“How could you Alex!” Kelley yells at me.

"Kelley-" I don’t want to so this infront of everyone. "Let’s go somewhere else please?" I plead.

"No. We are going to do this right here." I’m terrified and I know I show it. "How could you kiss her Alex? How could you kiss Tobin?” She continues.

I wanted to explain but not in front of all of our teammates but I started to anyways because I needed her to know, “Kelley please, I-” I was cut short.

“My best friend Alex? She's my best friend!” she pauses and I follow her stare to Tobin, "Or at least she was my best friend." she says pointedly.

“Kelley just let me explain.” I said my voice filled with panic.

“Explain what Alex? How long have you been going behind my back with my best friend!” Her voice was rises with each word as she begins to cry. "Seven years Alex. We have been together for seven years and now you do this!"

I didn’t know how to answer her, I stood there completely frozen not knowing what to say to the girl in front of me.

“How long!” Kelley asks but I still can’t find any words. "How fucking long Alex?" She screams so loud that I am sure everyone on the first floor could hear her now.

“Kelley.” I heard Tobin’s voice and then it all happened so fast.

Kelley went straight towards Tobin slamming into her chest, Tobin’s stance faltered at the impact, and Kelley went in for another push.

I honestly thought they were going to fight and I covered my mouth trying to not let the sobs that were threatening to escape out. I tried to move forward but Abby’s arm was outstretched in front of me telling me to not interfere any more than I had.

“That’s enough.” I heard Laurens voice and I looked up to see her next to Tobin. Tobin’s eyes were watery and red, but her jaw was firmly set in place, the anger evident as well.

“Lauren, you don't understand. You don't know what they have been doing behind my back.” Kelley justifies.

“Kelley you don’t want to do this here.” I knew the instant Lauren stood next to Tobin that Kelley would know that she knew. Her sympathetic eyes and tone of voice giving her away immediately.

Kelley pulls out of Hopes hold on her and stared down Lauren with a hateful glare.

“I guess it’s safe to say that you knew. Who else?” She says angrily.

She looks around the room, trying to figure out if anyone’s expressions gave them away. Her eyes stopped on Ali and Ashlyn.

The laugh that escapes Kelley’s mouth is malicious. “Of course you two knew. You were trying to keep me away from their room for a reason.”

Ashley stepped forward, “We didn't want you to get hurt."

"You didn't want me to get hurt? My best friend and my girlfriend are going behind my back and you think by keeping it a secret that I won't get hurt?" You of all people should know that secrets don't stay secrets for long." I see Ashlyn visibly flinch.

“That isn’t fair Kelley and you know it.” Ashlyn says desperately.

“No Ashlyn what isn’t fair is that I thought you we’re actually one of my best friends. But it seems like I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.” Kelley’s words were cold.

Ashlyn’s eyes darted to the ground and I watched as Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s arm and pull her back to her. Ali wrapped her arm around Ashlyn’s waist and whispered something I couldn't quite hear but all Ashlyn could do was shake her head and look down shamefully.

I instantly regretted the comment I made to her earlier. She had warned me to not go after Tobin, that I would fuck this up and I did.

“Kelley leave her alone.” Tobin’s voice broke through the silence again.

Kelley spins around. “Always the noble friend right Tobin?" she says approaching her. "The person everyone can trust the most because of her unwavering honesty. Show us all how honest you really are Tobs.” Kelley’s voice has transformed into someone I don’t recognize the hate evident in every word that leaves her mouth.

I thought I heard Lauren try to intervene again but I hear Tobin tell her to stop.

Kelley faces our team again like she’s showcasing at an event. “How long Tobin?” Kelley asks too calmly as she directs her attention back to Tobin.

“We’ve been continually seeing each other for a couple months.” Tobin has a fierce look in her eye and she doesn’t break away from Kelley’s equal glare.

Kelley looks back at Tobin “Continually? Meaning it’s happened before? When? I want to know.” She raises her voice, “Tell me Tobin!”

Tobin sighs struggling to tell Kelley, “The first time anything happened was before I left for Paris last year when I kissed her. Nothing happened again until our Friendly against Canada last summer.”

“Are you sleeping with her?” The question makes me nauseous and I feel like the room is spinning.

“Yes.” Tobin says it emotionless but I see a few tears escape her eyes.

I close my eyes and when I open them Kelley is looking at me as if she doesn’t even know how I am. Her eyes show confusion, hurt, betrayal, and I can’t help to feel my heart break a little more.

Kelley's tears are openly flowing down her face and it’s like she’s searching for me to say it’s all a lie. All I can do is shake my head, willing this day to rewind in time.

“Are you fucking kidding me? This whole time you’ve been sleeping with my best friend? After everything we've been through. I was trying so hard to make this work. I felt so bad about things," She pauses shaking her head, a distant look in her eyes as her voice begins to crack, "You let me feel bad about everything and yet this whole time you were going behind my back with her. You lied straight to my face Alex." Shes look over at Tobin again, "You both lied straight to my face. I feel like such an idiot."

As her words spill out I feel my shoulders shaking more as I cried, I saw the devastation sink in as her stare become blank and her body trembles. I didn't even feel like she was the same person anymore.

“I trusted both of you with absolutely everything.” Kelley says looking at Tobin who looks completely white. Kelley continues despite how defeated Tobin looks, “I asked you to keep her safe, you knew how much I loved her, and then you go and do this?”

“I love her too Kelley.” Tobin says trying to get Kelley to understand but knowing she wouldn’t.

“She wasn’t yours to have Tobin! Alex was mine, she was my girlfriend.” Kelley yells it at Tobin and I think the whole team flinches.

“I’m sorry Kelley.” Tobin murmurs.

“You’re not sorry Tobin don’t fucking kid yourself.” She snaps back.

“We we’re going to tell you.” Tobin states making me want to yell at her to stop.

Kelley turns to me, “So you and Tobin we’re going to tell me Alex? Was that before over after I moved across the country for you. Or was it before or after we had sex when I visited you last week? When Alex?”

“Kelley.” I was surprised when I heard my voice. It was strained and a whisper but it was heard throughout the entire room.

“The better question is how did I not know?” She says looking at me with so much hate, “All those times I thought you were distracted or upset because of us or the jokes I use to make about you cuddling with Tobin if you got lonely when I’d leave. All the sad looks, or awkward silences from you were because you we‘re sleeping with her the whole time.”

“Kelley please.” I try to reach for her but she pushes it away.

“Don’t. There is nothing you can possibly say that would ever make this okay.” I know her words ring nothing but truth. “You both ruined everything.”

Kelley stood there shaking looking around the room until Hope grabbed her and led her out.

*

I was frozen in the spot I stood as I watched Hope lead Kelley outside.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me with expressions of pure confusion, shock, and even disappointment. I bend over trying to make the room stop spinning.

“Alex and Tobin, come with me.” Abby demands. All I can do is follow her.

She leads us into a secluded conference room and then quickly turns to look at us. Her nostrils are flared, her eyes are stern, and her lips are turned downward.

“Someone better tell me what is going on.” she says her voice authoritative.

I try to say something but I still can't seem to find my voice when suddenly Tobin speaks up.

“Alex and I have been together these past couple of months.” The tone to Tobin’s voice is unfamiliar, distant almost.

Abby shakes her head at us. “Tobin, you’re going to room with Lauren so go pack your things and let her know we are switching, I need to have a word with Alex.”

Tobin just nods and leaves the room and I’m left standing there feeling like a child whose about to be punished. I had let Abby down and surprisingly that hurt almost as much as having let Kelley down.

The moment the door shuts she explodes. "What were you two thinking Alex!" she asks, her voice full of discontent.

"Abby-" I begin but she quickly cuts in.

"Never mind, it's obvious you two weren't doing much thinking." she huffs. “Alex, as a teammate and friend I’m trying hard to not judge the decisions you’ve made on a personal level. However, you need to be aware of the consequences of your decisions and how they affect this team.”

To be honest, I had never even thought about how this would affect my team and I quickly feel ashamed for it.

“I’m sorry Abby, I didn’t mean for this to happen, it just did.” Fresh tears start to spill down my eyes and I don’t expect Abby to understand.

“Alex, it's no secret that you are a big part of why I am still playing." She looks me straight in the eyes, "You have helped extend my soccer career giving me one more shot at a World Cup and for that I will forever be thankful-" She stops and it seems as if she is trying to find the right words to use next, "Alex, when I step down this team is yours. You will need to step up and be a leader." I can easily see the frustration and disappointment in her features, "I need to be able to trust that you will be able to do that Alex."

I nod my head and clear my throat before I speak. “You can trust me I won't let you down Abby. I'm sorry about all of this, I take full responsibility."

She gives me a halfhearted smile before continuing to grill me. “This cannot affect the dynamic of the team. We’re all lucky that we get time apart until the fall but this cannot be brought onto the field come September. I saw your game against the Spirit, Alex what happened out there, the way you acted, that cannot happen on this team." She leans over, placing her hands down on the table. "I will not let this team fail because a few select people don't have their shit together.”

“I understand. It won't happen again."

We stand there for several moments saying nothing before she finally broke the silence. "We all accepted yours and Kelley's relationship without a second thought because it was something that had started well before you two became a part of this team Alex. I don't fully understand what is going on with you and Tobin but I can't promise you two the same thing."

"Do you think the team hates us?”

“They don't hate you, Alex.” She states, "However, the way you both handled it will probably cause a rise in some of the players. Kelley is hurting right now and rightfully so, not everyone is going to be okay with this new development. It's a lot to take in all at once, just give it time."

I shake my head acknowledging her.

“It’s going to be okay Alex.” She sighs.

“How is any of this ever going to be okay?” I asked Abby, an edge of bitterness in my tone.

“That’s up to you Alex.” She says simply before continuing, “Come on lets go eat.”

I just nod my head and follow her blindly as I truly let the events of tonight start to sink in.

**

It’s been a couple weeks and I’ve been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of Alex. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how she acted during our game against the Spirit. I had never seen her freak out on anyone like that before especially Ashlyn. Her words still stung but I don’t know how she expects me to care and be there when she’s with Kelley. I gave her the choice and she picked Kelley.

I was trying hard to be happy and move on but then we got to camp and they roomed us together. I couldn’t be this close to Alex so I spent most of my time crashing in Ashlyn’s and Whitney’s room or hanging out in Cheney and Sydney’s room.

Ashlyn has been really supportive these last couple weeks and it’s been easy talking to her about it. She knows how I feel and how hard it is for me to try and move on so Alex and Kelley can be happy.

We had just won our friendly today and everyone was relaxing. I see Alex across the room sitting in the lounge room made up for us, lost in thought, and I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking about. It’s so hard seeing her and I take this as my chance to escape to our bedroom so I can be alone.

*

I’m lying in my bed, looking over the new magazines I brought on the trip for the countless hours of down time we have.

I was concentrated on the surf magazine when I heard banging at our door. I was wondering who it was and when I opened the door I was surprised to see Alex there.

“Tobin we need to talk.” she says out of breath.

“Okay? About what?” I say confused about what is going on.

“I miss you, I miss everything about you. I miss your messes, the smell of your shampoo, how you laugh at cartoons in the morning, how you can make me smile no matter how mad I am, I miss us and how happy you made me.”

I stand there confused and upset by Alex’s admission when she had already made her choice.

“I’m going to tell Kelley that I don’t want to be with her. I know I messed up and I don’t expect you to just come back to me, I know it’s not that easy. But I just wanted you to know whether you want to be with me or not, that I’m telling Kelley.”

I sigh, knowing that I have heard this all before. “Why would you do that?”

“Because there is a part of me that left with you when you walked out of our apartment. A part of me that no one else can have not even Kelley.” She smiles at me sadly wanting me to believe her.

“You don’t mean this Alex you just think you do.” I say rejecting anything she’s saying.

“Tobin I want to be with you.” She says simply.

I run my hand through my hair out of nervous habit , “Alex, you just don’t want to be lonely." I point out.

“If I am lonely, it's because you aren't there Tobin, not because she isn't. I’m going to tell her, I truly mean it this time. She deserves to know the truth no matter how hard it’s going to be.” She says it so confidently.

I can’t find any words.

“I’m going to tell Kelley,” she repeats again, “It took me this long to realize it but I need you more than anyone. I love you and I want you.”

I want to keep protesting not being able to comprehend any of this, “Alex jus-”

“Look Tobin, I’m going to end things with her either way I just wanted you to know.”

“Don’t tell her Alex. You’ll regret it we both know Kelley is your choice.” My voice matching how defeated I feel.

“You are my choice Tobin. You have always been my choice since the moment I kissed you in our apartment all those months ago. I told you that you were scared that day but I realized that I’ve been the one who’s scared, but I’m not scared anymore. I know what I want Tobin, I want you and only you.”

My mind goes back to the night that truly started this all. I had told her she was scared but she had denied it telling me that I was the one who was scared. I know that we were both scared and that I should’ve pushed harder. The past couple of weeks I have been hurting over the fact that she didn’t choose me, blaming myself because I didn’t try hard enough I tried to accept it and move on. I felt like I had completely lost Alex but here she was telling me that I was her choice. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore, I was going to fight for her from now on, and I wasn’t going to let her go this time.

I rush up to her and grab her hips to turn her around before I slam my lips into hers. I’ve missed kissing these lips so much and it’s so easy to fall back into our same routine. I can’t get enough of her lips and I feel her reciprocate when she grabs my face in between her hands.

I hear the door open and feel Alex pull out of my arms, I turn my attention to the door and there is Kelley. She’s standing there with a shocked, disbelieving look on her face, but I slowly see her features transform as she comes to grip with what’s happening.

“Oh god.” is all I hear as she disappears from the door.

*

My feet don’t allow me to move right away as I watch Alex chase after Kelley. My adrenaline kicks in and my legs start to move in the direction of the two people I love the most running ahead.

I thought Kelley was going to leave the building but Ashlyn grabbed her before she made it half way.

“Kelley wait!” Alex yells in a shaky voice.

The room becomes quiet and our teammates are eying us, shock spread across all of their faces. I look at Lauren and her eyes tell me that she knows what’s happening.

“How could you Alex!” Kelley yells at Alex.

"Kelley-" Alex pauses before lowering her voice "Let’s go somewhere else please?" she pleads.

"No. We are going to do this right here." Alex looks so scared, "How could you kiss her Alex? How could you kiss Tobin?” Kelley continues.

“Kelley please, I-” Alex tries to get out but Kelley interrupts her again.

“My best friend Alex? She's my best friend!” I stop and glare past Alex to Tobin, "Or at least she was my best friend." She says pointedly.

“Kelley just let me explain.” Alex stammers.

“Explain what Alex? How long have you been going behind my back with my best friend!” Her voice was rises with each word as she begins to cry. "Seven years Alex. We have been together for seven years and now you do this!"

I stood there staring at the two of them, and I felt like I was in a nightmare, not wanting to believe that this was actually happening.

“How long!” Alex doesn’t say anything. “How fucking long Alex?" Kelley screamed so loud her voice reverberated off the walls.

I was mad because she was causing a scene, I was mad that she was yelling at Alex, and I was mostly mad at myself for letting this all happen. “Kelley.”

Kelley turned on me so fast I had never seen her move like that. The impact of her hands pushing into my chest would leave bruises and I was lucky enough to catch myself. My balance was a little more stable as I felt the second blow.

If Hope hadn’t run up to Kelley and grabbed her I’m positive Kelley would’ve tried to cause serious damage to me.

I wanted to yell at her and tell her that this isn’t how we act. This isn’t us but I couldn’t because I know I don’t have a right to tell her it’s wrong that she’s acting different. We are different and I have to clench my teeth to try and keep my tears in.

I feel someone next to me as I watch Hope struggle to keep Kelley in her grip.

“That’s enough.” I heard Laurens firm voice. I look over to her and I feel my eyes water because of how grateful I am that she’s by my side. I don’t feel as alone considering I have a whole room of friends staring at me like I’m a stranger.

“Lauren, you don't understand. You don't know what they have been doing behind my back.” Kelley says exasperated.

“Kelley you don’t want to do this here.” Lauren says trying to get Kelley to stop. I felt horrible knowing that Kelley was going to realize eventually that Lauren has known this whole time and is still sticking up for me.

“I guess it’s safe to say that you knew. Who else?” Kelley says right on cue.

I see her scanning the room trying to find perpetrators that would know about the crimes we have committed and I see it before Kelley does, the look on Ashlyn and Ali’s faces. I shouldn’t have brought them into it and told them. I begged Ashlyn to keep our secret and she had from everyone but Ali. The affliction I caused them makes me hate myself.

I hear the wickedly cruel laugh and I thought I imagined it coming from Kelley until I heard her speak; her voice accompanies the laugh, “Of course you two knew. You were trying to keep me away from their room for a reason.”

Ashlyn took a step towards Kelley and I almost thought she was protecting Ali from Kelley’s wrath, “We didn’t want you to get hurt.”

"You didn't want me to get hurt? My best friend and my girlfriend are going behind my back and you think by keeping it a secret that I won't get hurt? You of all people should know that secrets don't stay secrets for long." Ashlyn’s visibly wounded by Kelleys words.

"It wasn't our place to tell you, Kelley." Ashlyn tries to explain.

Kelley lets out another laugh, “Not your place? So it was your place to keep their secret from me? You’re an amazing friend.”

“That’s unfair Kelley and you know it.” Ashlyn says trying to get her to understand.

“No Ashlyn what isn’t fair is that I thought you we’re actually one of my best friends. But it seems like I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.”

I see the sadness that swells in Ashlyn’s eyes before she directs her attention away from Kelley’s hateful stare. Ali takes Ashlyn's hand in her own and pulls her back, wrapping her arm around her waist trying to comfort her from Kelley’s words.

I chastise myself for even telling Ashlyn and bringing her into it. I knew how close she was with Kelley and it was unfair of me to put her in that position.

“Kelley leave her alone.” I find my voice again the anger taking over, giving me a small ounce of courage. I'd take what she had to throw my way but Ashlyn didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

She whips her head up and gives me a chilling stare. “Always the noble friend right Tobin?" She says approaching me. "The person everyone can trust the most because of her unwavering honesty. Show us all how honest you really are Tobs.” I hear the mocking in her voice and realize this is no longer my best friend I am talking to. This isn't Kelley.

“Kell-” Lauren begins but I put my hand up to stop her from trying to stick up for me any more than she already has. If Kelley wanted it to be like this then I would let it happen.

“How long Tobin?”

“We’ve been continually seeing each other for a couple months.” I couldn’t help but feel anger creep its way back up and I know my face was showing it.

This is not Kelley and I blame myself completely which just fuels my anger.

Kelley looks back at me and I watch as her anger molds into absolute betrayal. “Continually? Meaning it’s happened before? When? I want to know.” I am caught off guard by the wave of grief I feel for her and it’s hard for me to speak. She raises her voice wanting answers, “Tell me Tobin!”

I let out a wind of air, willing myself to answer her because she deserves the entire truth, “The first time anything happened was before I left for Paris last year when I kissed her. Nothing happened again until our Friendly against Canada last summer.”

“Are you sleeping with her?” My stomach turns rapidly and I feel my skin grow cold as a nauseous feeling sets in.

I try to breathe in to steady myself and Lauren quickly squeezes my hand. The comfort of the quick touch gives me the little ounce of strength I have to continue to endure this.

“Yes.” It’s like my mind shuts off and my adrenaline is pumping so fast that I feel numb.

Kelley turns her head to look at Alex again. Alex is crying and Kelley is waiting for something, an explanation or for Alex to say that I’m lying even though Kelley knows I’m not. Alex says nothing and she just shakes her head, looking completely broken.

“Are you fucking kidding me? This whole time you’ve been sleeping with my best friend? After everything we've been through. I was trying so hard to make this work. I felt so bad about things," She pauses shaking her head, a distant look in her eyes as her voice begins to crack, "You let me feel bad about everything and yet this whole time you were going behind my back with her. You lied straight to my face Alex." She turns her attention back to me, "You both lied straight to my face. I feel like such an idiot." Kelley cries out.

I know as the time goes on Kelley’s mind is replaying everything in her head, piecing together everything that’s been happening the past couple of months and piecing all the lies together.

“I trusted both of you with absolutely everything.” Kelley says turning back to me. I can feel the blood drain from my face at Kelley’s words. How could I do this to my best friend? She continues speaking to me, “I asked you to keep her safe, you knew how much I loved her, and then you go and do this?”

“I love her too Kelley.” I exhale finally admitting my feelings for Alex out loud seeing Kelley recoil from my confession.

“She wasn’t yours to have Tobin! Alex was mine, she was my girlfriend.” Kelley yells so loudly I see some of the team shift in their spots.

“I’m sorry Kelley.” Is all I can say.

“You’re not sorry Tobin don’t fucking kid yourself.” She hisses at me.

“We we’re going to tell you.” I’m instantly regretting it as soon as the words leave my mouth.

She doesn’t even acknowledge me as she turns to Alex, “So you and Tobin we’re going to tell me Alex? Was that before or after I moved across the country for you. Or was it before or after we had sex when I visited you last week? When Alex?”

“Kelley.” It comes out almost like a whisper yet still loud enough that everyone hears it as we all turn our attention to Alex.

“The better question is how did I not know?” Kelley hisses at Alex, “All those times I thought you were distracted or upset because of us or the jokes I use to make about you cuddling with Tobin if you got lonely when I’d leave. All the sad looks, or awkward silences from you were because you we‘re sleeping with her the whole time.”

“Kelley please.” Alex pleads with her reaching out to touch her but Kelley pushes her away.

“Don’t. There is nothing you can possibly say that would ever make this okay.” The truth behind those words is excruciating. “You both ruined everything.”

Hope realized that the conversation was over and ushered Kelley out of the building to get away from us.

*

I stared at Kelley as she shakily walked away with Hope. I want to go after my best friend to comfort her but I can’t because I know I was the one that did this to her. I was the one that had destroyed her. Mine and Alex's reckless behavior had left Kelley beaten down, a shell of her former self, no longer the vibrant and carefree person we all knew her to be.

I knew that everyone was still staring at us but I didn’t care at this point. All I wanted was to fix this.

“Alex and Tobin, come with me.” Abby demands and I’m surprised when my legs comply.

She brings us into a deserted conference room and when she turns to face us, she doesn't even try to put up a facade.

“Someone better tell me what is going on.” her voice is strict and I answer because Alex looks like she’s in shock.

“Alex and I have been together these past couple of months.” My voice sounds so unfamilar it scares me.

Abby shakes her head at us. “Tobin, you’re going to room with Lauren so go pack your things and let her know we are switching, I need to have a word with Alex.”

I glance out of the corner of my eye at Alex and I see her mentally preparing herself to face Abby alone. Not wanting to leave but accepting that Abby did not want me there for what she had to say to Alex, I nod and leave the room. The two of them had a bond that matched no other on our team, not even Christie and Becky. When Alex had first come on, Abby was quick to take her under her wing and as her mentor Alex had excelled beyond expectations. I knew without actually having to talk to her about it, just how much it had meant to Alex.

The moment the door clicks shut I hear Abby start in on Alex. "What were you two thinking?"

Not being able to get a grasp on anything in my life anymore, I take off in search of Lauren.

*

I go to my bedroom and find that all of my stuff has already been moved out so I head down the hall to Lauren's room.

When Lauren opens the door I notice that Ashlyn and Ali are also there sitting on her bed. I just stand there until Lauren comes over to me wrapping me in a hug and just like she had two weeks ago when I moved into her apartment and I break down.

I grabbed the back of her shirt, gripping it in my hands, the room felt small and I couldn’t breathe.

We stayed like that until I remembered that Ashlyn and Ali were still there.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I brought you all into this and that you were blamed for it.” My voice is shaky and I could barely understand myself.

“It's okay Tobin we can handle Kelley. Don't worry about us.” Lauren tries to comfort.

“Yeah dude, she’s just hurting right now. She doesn't mean half the things she was saying." Ashlyn says reasurringly, "We just have to give it time."

“We just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Ali states and I do feel grateful that they are here.

“How is the team taking this?” I remember seeing all of their horrified expressions. "I'm sure they all must hate me."

“They are all a little shaken up but I think we all are after that. No one hates you, Tobin." Ashlyn is now next to me bringing me into a hug.

“This is so messed up guys. I never wanted to hurt her; I need you guys to believe that I never wanted to hurt Kelley. I tried so hard to stay away to make it right.”

“We know Tobin, we know. Kelley is your best friend and we all know you love her and didn't want to hurt her, even if she can't see it right now a part of her even knows that." Ashlyn says as she lets go of me. "You wouldn't have done this if Alex wasn't worth it though. The heart wants what it wants and honestly if I was in your position I would’ve done whatever I had to, to be with Ali and you know that."

“Thanks Ash.” I say as I watch Ali run her hand on Ashlyn’s back.

“Listen we're going to go do damage control downstairs and get some dinner. Let us know if you need anything at all.” Ashlyn says pulling me into another big hug.

“Goodnight Tobin." Ali says kissing me on the cheek.

“Night guys.” I say trying but failing to smile.

The door closes and with the soft thud of the door the load of tonight hits me. I slide down to the floor my legs no longer being able to hold up the burden I feel and Kelley’s face doesn’t leave my thoughts.

Lauren holds me on the floor and I weep into her shirt, I let everything out in that moment and I let myself be vulnerable to the heartache I feel.

“I lost her.” I cry as I realize what I have done to the one friend that has been there for me from the very beginning.

**

  
I barely got any sleep last night, replaying everything in my head from last night and the past couple of months. I believed that I wanted to tell Kelley and I had to end things, but not like that. I had to talk to her before we all had to leave; I know that this would be my one chance. Mine and Tobin's flight back to Portland left in a couple hours so I had to do it now.

I knocked hesitantly on Kelley’s hotel room door.

It opened and Christen stood there, her eyes boring into mine with what seemed like revulsion. She slammed the door in my face and I heard soft talking.

Christen opened the door again with the same hateful look, “I’m going down to grab a quick breakfast, I’ll be back in a bit.”

She pushes past me and I try to stay calm as I walk into the room.

I stop suddenly when I see Kelley sitting on her bed, her eyes are swollen and red rimmed from crying, she has dark bags under her eyes from the lack of sleep, and she looks completely drained.

“What do you want Alex?” she says emotionless.

“I can’t leave with you hating me. We have to talk about it all, this wasn’t supposed to happen Kelley, and I never wanted to hurt you.”

She lets out a laugh that’s anything but humorous. “Hurt me Alex? You destroyed me. We were together for seven years and I gave you everything I had. I was ripping myself apart about these last couple months about not making more of an effort towards our relationship. Never did I once think about leaving you or cheating on you, especially with your best friend.”

“I know you we’re trying Kelley. I just want to make this better.”

“Why? Why did you do it?” She asks in the same emotionless voice.

“I don't have one big reason or answer for you." I say shifting uncomfortably in my spot. "I loved you Kelley, I still do. Things changed though, when we were in college we may have been six hours away from each other but we still made time for each other, we still put each other first, making our best effort." I can feel the tears burning my eyes, "That stopped Kelley. I'm not sure when but it did. It was like after I graduated from Cal and FC Gold Pride folded, suddenly everything came before our relationship and I was constantly finding us on opposite sides of the map. Kelley there were times that we didn't talk for days. I tried not to let it get to me, I knew you were dealing with a lot with changing positions on the field and doing all that extra training but Kelley it was so hard without you. There were days I would just sit down and cry because I felt like I was losing you." The guilt and heartbreak she felt was written all over her face and I had to look away. "Then the Olympics came around and suddenly I was just as busy as you. We just stopped putting an effort into our relationship. I know it sounds absolutely terrible Kelley, I know I am absolutely terrible, but she was there and you weren’t."

Her eyes flash in anger, “Alex I turned down going to the Atlanta Beat, close to my family and home my first year out of school so that I could play for the Pride and be closer to you. I tried everything I could to keep them afloat while trying to keep our relationship going. I didn't want to have to go to Boston, I didn't want to leave you but you’re the one who encouraged me to do it Alex, you told me it would be incredibly stupid not to." She shakes her head, “I missed you every single day I hated all the distance between us and yeah, I obviously didn't handle it very well throwing myself into soccer and my career to keep myself busy but I still made an effort Alex. I can't even begin to count how many times I drove or flew to New York for you. Between the practices and games with the Breaker's and extra training with the National Team to transition to defense that wasn't an easy thing for me to do but I still tried."

"I know that Kelley."

"No Alex, you don't and might I add that you and I agreed that when the NWSL was created that we would go to the same club. That way we would finally be together again and stop having all the distance and added stress put on our relationship so we could just be happy. We were all set to go to Sky Blue together and then you come home one day and tell me that you are going to the Thorns I was anything but happy about it Alex but I supported you."

"Kelley you know damn well I didn't have a real choice in that matter."

"The hell you didn't Alexandra."

"The whole franchise would have folded if I didn't go, Paulson wouldn't buy in if I didn't join the Thorns."

"He was bluffing and we all know it."

"Kelley-"

“You didn’t even ask me to come to the Thorns with you. If you were the lone reason for Paulson to buy in then he would’ve given you any favors. You didn’t ask me to join you but lucky enough Tobin got signed there, was that you’re doing or did she just get lucky?”

“That is unfair Kelley and you know it. You told me you wanted to go to Sky Blue I didn’t want to take that away from you and you didn’t even say anything about wanting to play for the Thorns.” I argue ignoring the dig about Tobin.

"No Alex I won't let you put this on me, I went to Jersey alone after we had promised we would go together. I played the proud girlfriend part and supported you one hundred percent even after you beat us in the finals." She stands up from the bed, "Alex I moved across the fucking country to be closer to you this year. I left the team I loved in Jersey to play in Seattle to be near you and not once did you talk to me or tell me you felt like this so how was I supposed to know? Did I not deserve at least that from you, was I not worth it?” She yells.

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Kelley, how do you tell your girlfriend that you’ve drifted so far apart that you don’t know how to get back to where you once were? I didn’t know how to tell you how I felt without adding pressure to you or feeling like a needy girlfriend. I don’t even know when we started to drift so far apart but we did and I wasn't even sure how to talk to you about it. I didn't plan for it to happen or ask for it, I never wanted this for us Kelley. I hate that this is what we have become.” I yell back because I feel so helpless.

"You’re so selfish Alex do you even hear yourself? You’re making this all about yourself with ‘You this and you that’ I was your girlfriend Alex you are supposed to talk to me about everything. You could have talked to me about anything. I was always asking you to let me in." If it was possible to actually see someone’s heart breaking, I had just witnessed it.

"That sort thing has never been easy for me and you know that." I counter as we both just stand there silently.

"Did it feel good to have both of us?”

I flinch at her words, “It wasn’t like that Kelley.”

“Why because you think you love her?” Kelley scoffs, “You don’t love her Alex, you just like the idea of playing house.”

I feel myself get angry at her accusations but I remain calm not letting the emotion slip from me.

“I didn’t ask for this to happen it just did Kelley.”

“Were you ever actually going to tell me? How long did you really think it would last until I found out? Or did you think I wouldn’t? Was it because I’ve been that stupidly trusting, blind girlfriend who never saw it coming.”

“I was going to tell you Kelley. Tobin had left to live with Lauren after our game against you; we haven’t been together since then. I was going to tell you when we got back from this game. I was going to tell you.”

“You should’ve ended things a long time ago, you’re a smart girl Alex; if you weren’t happy with me then you should’ve left me before I moved across the country and made a complete fool of myself.”

“You do make me happy Kelley.”

She shakes her head, “You know when I visited you I really thought maybe we were getting back to a good place, you’re quite the actress Alex.”

“We were at a good place Kelley, I wasn’t acting when you visited, it was all real.”

“Nothing about this relationship was real!” she screams loudly and I take a step back from her as she stands up off the bed. “You lied to me for almost a whole year while cheating on me with my best friend. Do you understand that she was my best friend Alex? All of those talks we had, the moments between us, sleeping together, it was all a charade because as soon as I left you went running back to Tobin.” Her eyes were starting to show the grief as tears escaped down her cheek.

“It was real.” I argued back, tears strolling down my face as my voice cracks.

“No it wasn’t. Everything is a lie, all the conversations I had with you and Tobin. When did things go wrong Alex? When did you decide I was worth giving up on?”

“We weren’t the same people we once were Kell. I didn’t know how to cope with that.”

“Did you decide we changed before or after you fucked my best friend? You didn’t love me or you wouldn’t have done this to me.”

“I do love you.” I know as soon as it leaves my mouth that she’ll think it’s a lie.

She shakes her head as she looks down. “You want to know what the best part about all of this? It’s the fact that you aren’t in here right now to fight for me or get me back but rather to try and make yourself feel better about what you did.”

I didn’t know what to say because she was right I wasn’t here with intentions of winning her back.

“I don’t want to lose you.” I feel frantic.

“Alex, you should have thought about that before you did what you did." She states emptily. "Everything about our relationship is tainted now, I don't even know what was real or fake. You stole everything away from me, Alex my love, my trust, and my best friend. Just get out.”

“Kelley please.” I was full out sobbing now.

“Get out!” She screamed, her whole body shaking, as she began to sob.

I heard the door open and Christen walk past me bumping me with her shoulder.

“Get out Alex, you’ve done enough.” Christen spits out her words with so much hatred that I internally flinch.

“I’m talking to my girl-”

“If you haven’t realized this Alex, Kelley isn’t your girlfriend anymore. Just get out.” Christen cuts me and something inside of me clicks, Kelley is no longer my girlfriend.

It all comes together and my mind finally signals my legs to move. I run out of her hotel room, sprinting down the hall to get to the stairs that exited the hotel. I had to get away from everyone, I had to breathe.

I came to an abrupt stop as I slammed into two people, Ashlyn and Tobin.

“Alex, where are you going?” Tobin tried to grab me but I pulled away quickly. I didn’t want her to touch me; I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near her right now.

I backed away quickly, slamming into the wall, the agony of losing Kelley was crippling. The loss was weaving its way through my body, leaving me feeling completely helpless and alone. This isn’t real, this isn’t happening, Kelley’s words kept playing in my head on repeat, punishing me.

Everything went blank then like my body just shut down. I know that Ashlyn told Tobin that she would bring me to my room to help me pack. I know Sydney saw us; she hugged me and told me she loved me, but I wasn’t really there.

I just felt empty and to be honest, it was a welcomed feeling at this point. The plane ride with Tobin was quiet, I couldn’t look at her, she reminded me too much of the pain that I was trying desperately to keep out. Thankfully she left me alone, the plane ride was endless, the taxi ride to our apartment seemed even longer, and when we finally got home I couldn’t stand being in there, the memories haunting me as I looked around. I needed to escape so I went to my bedroom where I could be alone.


	10. Chapter 10

Walking into our apartment I set my luggage down and looked around. Pictures of Kelley, Tobin and I were hung on the walls and scattered across various stands and end tables, the wall art Kelley had went out and bought to cover up a hole she'd made in the wall while helping to move us in felt like it was mocking me, all around me were unwelcomed memories and immediately I felt like I was suffocating. The rooms were getting smaller and I tried desperately to push it all away.

I felt Tobin take my hand, touching me for the first time since the hotel and I couldn’t handle it, I had to pull away.

“Alex.” I could hear the sadness in her voice but I didn’t care.

I wasn't sure who I was trying to forget more but right now I was sure I didn’t want to think about either of them.

“I can’t do this.” I say before I walk off to my bedroom and shut everything out.

*

It’s been four days since we got back to Portland and I still I can’t find the energy in me to leave my room, not for practice and not even for the game we had last night. My whole world felt like it had collapsed in on me as the loss of Kelley finally set in and my body has shut down from the devastation. Kelley is gone, we are no more. Everything we'd built together had vanished in a matter of minutes, seven years gone just like that. It felt unreal and if I hadn't personally been there for the train wreck I don't think I'd actually believe it.

I thought I'd been ready, prepared to handle this but I was dead wrong.

I lift my head to look at the clock and sigh knowing that Tobin will be in to check on me again soon. She does it frequently throughout the day, every morning around eight before she leaves for practice, around eleven when she gets home, around twelve, when she's showered and brings me lunch, the list goes on and it has become so routine that I've almost got it down to the exact minute she'll walk through the door. I know I'm worrying her, I've noticed her tired eyes, the heavy sighs when she sees how little I've been eating, and the hurt in her voice every time I refuse to acknowledge her.

I don't want to do this to her but I can't even find it in me to look at her most days. She just doesn't get it, that when I hear her voice or see her that all I can picture is the pained expression on Kelley's face and the way her voice sounded, as she pleaded with me and Tobin for an understanding of how we could do what we did to her. I know I shouldn't blame her for this but it's all too much for me. The guilt and shame I carry over what we did eats away at me all day long and I don't know how I use to walk around like everything was okay, like what we were doing wasn't going to destroy so many relationships, so many people.

My body feels hollow the ache is overwhelming. I can’t move on, I can’t face anyone or anything right now.

*

In reality, it's only been a couple of days but it feels like it's been forever since Alex has said a word to me. It’s hard to sleep at night our apartment feels so empty, there is no life to it anymore. I'm not use to this, I'm not use to feeling like this. My best friend of the past eleven years hates me and Alex probably does too, at least it sure feels like it. The old saying that you don't know what you have until it's gone, is a load of crap. You knew exactly what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.

I knew what Alex and I were doing was wrong, I knew that if Kelley ever found out that it would nearly destroy her, I knew our friendship would be over and yet I still chose to do it anyway. I understood all the consequences, weighed all the consequences, and chose Alex despite them. All along I'd believed that if or when the time came that at least I'd have Alex to go through it with. In a perfect world Alex would have just been honest with Kelley from the beginning and ended things with her the right way, maybe then everything wouldn't be so messed up. I never would have thought that everything would have come out the way it did with Kelley catching us kissing. I hadn't truly been prepared for the mental and physical blows I'd feel from watching as my best friend fell apart right in front of my eyes and not being able to do anything about it. I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for moments like those.

You don't just pick up from something like that and go about your life as if everything is okay. She was my best friend for so long that honestly I still wasn't sure how I was going to deal with the fact that she wasn't anymore. I thanked God every night that I hadn't really had a chance to think about that yet. It sounds crazy because of the circumstances but every time my phone goes off, a part of me still thinks it's going to be Kelley sending me a picture of herself or some crazy story about what she had done that day. The photos all around the apartment taunt me with memories of the way things used to be and sometimes I just have to leave to get away from it all. Lauren has gotten so used to seeing me at her apartment that she's even started putting out a third place setting for dinner.

Despite Lauren advising me to give it time, I still tried anyway. I think it was after the fourteenth time that I called her and she didn’t pick up that I finally got the hint that she was done with me. It wasn't an easy thing to accept, losing Kelley meant I was losing a huge part of my life, a part of myself for that matter. Everything just got so messed up and without Kelley or Alex to talk to, I’m at a loss. Somehow I have been able to cope better than Alex has though. I try to keep busy to distract myself from the colossal mess that I was part of creating.

I've been standing outside Alex's room for a good five minutes or so holding breakfast I'd made for her and trying to decide if I should even bother this time. Reaching for the handle and then pulling away and taking a step back, I found myself weighing the situation in my head. On one hand she almost never ate it anyway but on the other, if I didn't keep bringing her food she certainly wasn't going to be getting it herself.

*

I hear my door open but I don’t turn around.

“Alex I’m just bringing you breakfast. I’m going to head to practice if you need anything you can call me.”

She waits like she expects me to turn around or show some sort of sign I heard her but she should know better. After several moments I hear my door shut and I close my eyes letting the exhaustion pull me into sleep.

*

I come back exhausted and defeated from practice. My game is completely off and my mind utterly distracted by everything going on. It takes everything in me to force myself to come home to this apartment and Alex.

I inhale a deep breath before entering Alex’s room, it’s still dark and I see that she barely ate any of her food. I want to yell at her stop torturing herself and to get out of bed, that she's not the only one hurting, but I just don’t have the energy. I don’t want to fight anymore, I’m exhausted in every aspect and to be honest I don't know how much longer I can do this.

“I’m home Lex, I’m just going to hop in the shower, if you need me I’ll be in my room.”

*

I spend most of my days in bed, the guilt weighing heavy on my shoulders, exhaustion causing me to sleep most of the day. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't hold my head above the water anymore.

My door opens and I hear Tobin set down a plate but this time she doesn’t just walk out, instead she pulls out the chair from my desk and sits down.

I still don’t turn around and she doesn't hide the sigh that escapes her mouth.

“You can’t stay in here Alex, you have to get up.” I know she expects a response but I don’t have one.

She lets out another frustrated huff, “Alex get out of bed you’ve been in here for almost a week now. You have to get up you can’t keep doing this. I know you’re upset but-”

I roll onto my back facing the ceiling I could feel my eyes filling slowly with tears. "It doesn't matter anymore." I say cutting her off.

"Of course it does." Tobin says softly.

I close my eyes and bite my lower lip. "It hurts."

"Alex."

"Everything hurts Tobin. I know I deserve everything I'm feeling, the guilt and the hurt but I just can't take it anymore." A tear slipped down my cheek. "It hurts too much I feel like I'm drowning and nobody's trying to save me." A sob bursts from my throat and the tears flow freely.

"How can you say that Alex? I'm here, I've been here. You don't have to go through this alone, you're choosing to. I would help if you let me, but you have to let me."

"I can't, I can't." I say sobbing softly, my eyes squeezed tightly shut.

"Alex-"

I don’t let her finish, “No Tobin, you didn’t lose Kelley like I lost Kelley. You don't know how I feel, so stop coming in here, stop trying to take care of me, and get the hell out of my room.”

She didn’t even hesitate to get up and walk out, slamming the door behind her.

*

“Lauren I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this.” I say not being able to hold it in anymore.

"What happened Tobin." she asks concern evident in her voice.

"I finally got her to talk to me and just when I thought we were getting somewhere she just completely blew up dude." I sigh, pushing myself away from the table I'd been leaning on, "She said that I didn’t lose Kelley like she lost Kelley and then proceeded to tell me to get the hell out of her room.”

"That's really not fair of her Tobin." She frowns, "You're hurting too."

"I know Cheney." I sigh and stick my hands in my sweatshirt pocket, "She won't talk to me, she sleeps most of the day, she's not eating like she's supposed to," I hear my voice start to crack, "She can’t keep missing practices and games, I think Paulsen's at his last straw with her.”

Lauren nods in understanding.

"How are you doing Tobin?” she asks softly.

“How am I doing?” I laugh caught off guard by her question. I've barely been had time to think about how I’m doing having been so focused on Alex.

I stared at her for a long time trying figure out how to answer that.

Finally, softly, she spoke again, "We're always talking about Alex. I want to know how you are doing Tobin.” She says again putting an emphasis on the 'you'.

"Does it really matter?"

"It matters to me."

"Lauren, I lost Kelley and I feel like I'm losing Alex now too. At first I thought she just needed time, but she's not getting better Chen, every day she's just getting worse. I feel broken, numb, and helpless." I had to pause and take a deep, calming breath. “I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I feel like I can’t breathe in that apartment and I just need Alex back. I can't keep doing this alone.” I can feel the tears start filling my eyes, blurring my vision.

She turned towards me again, surprise flickering across her face. "You're not alone Tobin."

I almost smiled at the confusion. "You know what I mean Lauren."

“She’s just hurting Tobs she will snap out of it eventually.”

“I just want everyone to stop hurting.” I shift in my spot, "Have you heard anything on Kelley?" I ask tentatively.

“I talked to Christen the other day.”

“What did she say?” My chest tightens.

“She told me that you’ve been calling Kelley a lot." She gives me a pointed look.

"Sorry." I mutter. "What else?" I push.

"She's devastated Tobin." She turned her face away, "The first couple of days were really rough but they've managed to get her out of her room and to every practice." I know she's holding back on what she knows and a part of me is glad for it.

I can’t help but let the tears fall from my eyes, “I never wanted this to happen Lauren. I miss her so much.”

Lauren moves closer pulling me into her arms, the act sending me into another downward spiral of sobs.

“I know Tobin. I know Kelley was a huge part of your life but you couldn’t have her and have Alex. You chose and everyone has to deal with the consequences.”

“I know it sounds terrible but I'm starting to question if I made the right choice.”

“Alex loves you, Tobin." She tightens her embrace, "She just needs time. Give her time.”

"I want to believe that more than anything." I say, voice thick with emotion.

"You'll be fine, Tobin. You're stronger than you think you are." She pulls back from our hug and with her hands placed on my forearms she looks me in the eye, "Have faith in your feelings."

"I love her." I say with the most conviction I can muster.

*

The confrontation with Tobin made me feel different like I could finally feel something other than despair. Once I heard the door shut I decided to get up, my body ached from lying in bed for so long.

I stretched and tried to breathe through the anxiety I felt rising up in my chest. I open my door to my bedroom, squinting at the light shining through.

The apartment still looked exactly the same but less lived in. I hurried to the bathroom not wanting to see any of the pictures hanging throughout our apartment.

On my way back to my bedroom I slowed my pace and started to slowly take in everything. Memories lightly tried to force their way into my head but I held them back.

Everything seemed okay until I spotted something on the chair in the kitchen.

I stepped close to look at it and my heart lurched out trying to rip through my chest. I ran my hand along the worn fabric of Kelley’s jacket. I lifted it up pulling it to my nose, it didn’t smell like her anymore, and with that my entire world fell apart again.

*

“Babe lets go into this store!” Kelley exclaimed excitedly, pulling me into a vintage looking store.

We were on another one of our adventures driving to random towns trying to find what Kelley liked to call “Treasures”, which actually translated to going shopping for clothes that she didn't need.

“Kelley I’m starving. I have to eat something or I’ll die.” I whine.

“Oh don’t be so dramatic Lex. Just one more store and then we can feed the beast.” She ignores my pout as she drags me into the store.

Kelley immediately takes off looking through the racks after rack of clothes. Kelley loved to shop and I did too but not on an empty stomach.

I slowly browsed through the clothes and could immediately tell by the smell and the look that these we’re definitely vintage clothing.

“Lex come here.” I heard Kelley yell but I wasn’t sure where it was coming from.

“Where are you?” I yelled back trying to find my girlfriend.

“Here!” I hear before I see a tiny head popping up and down from the rack of clothes to my far left. I couldn’t help but laugh at how cute she was looking like such a kid.

When I reached her she was holding a worn leather jacket in her hand.

“Tell me that this isn’t the most badass jacket you’ve ever seen.” She exclaims excited at her find.

“Try it on and let’s see.” She puts it on her face in a full out grin. “Spin for me.” I say.

She does a slow spin and I try not to laugh at her. Surprisingly the jacket did look amazing on her; it actually accentuated her amazing jaw line.

“Actually babe you look really good in it.” I say.

She smiled again, “I want it so badly.” She looks down and her face completely drops, “A hundred and fifty dollars? No way. I’m a poor college student I can’t afford this.”

I could tell how upset she was instantly making me feel bad.

“I’m sorry babe we can try to find another one like it for a lot less.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” She says and my heart breaks a little at how adorable she is when she pouts.

“Come on I’ll buy you lunch.” I say as I pull her out of the store.

*

“Wake up.” I say as I kiss Kelley lightly on the lips. All I get in response is a groan from her as she tries to roll over.

I lay half way on top of her before she can turn away from me, giving me another groan in response.

“I need sleep.” She grumbles.

“Why babe did I tire you out last night?” I tease.

She scoffs playfully. “I’m pretty sure we both know it was the other way around. Either way I need sleep. I need as much beauty rest as possible.”

“Yeah you definitely need more beauty sleep if you want to try to look as good as me.” I kiss her again on the lips and I feel her smile against mine. “But babe I made breakfast.” I continue tempting her.

She opens one eye quickly, “What did you make?”

I let out a small chuckle because she is such a child, “Pancakes.” Is all I have to say.

“I’m up, I’m up.” She says sitting up as I bring her the breakfast I made.

After we ate we lay in bed, cuddling all day but I could tell she was upset about something.

“What’s wrong babe?” I ask concern filling my voice.

“I don’t want you to have to go back to Berkley tomorrow.” She says letting her thoughts leave her mouth.

“I know but you’ll be coming to visit me in a couple of weeks,” I say kissing the corner of her mouth. "You'll see me in no time."

“I know it just always sucks when you have to go.” She says grabbing my hand as she plays with my fingers.

“I think I have something that will make you feel better.” I say not being able to hide my grin.

She looks down at me with a mischievous smile on her face. “Round two?” She jokes as I smile at her.

"No." I laugh and hop off the bed and head to the other side of her night stand. I pass her the bag that I had hidden from her yesterday, "I got you this.”

I pass her the bag and she looks inside her face instantly lighting up.

“What, how did you, when did you, I can’t accept this it was too much money.”

“No it wasn’t Kell I want you to have it. You look amazing in it.”

Kelley puts the jacket on and pulls me down so she can kiss me.

“I love you so much Alex Morgan. Thank you for buying me this babe.” She says smiling brightly at me.

“I love you Kell.” I say pulling her in for another kiss.

*

The memory comes back drowning me in the grief of everything that I’ve lost. I will never get to be the reason for her smile again. I feel like I can’t breathe and the significance of the loss brings me to my knees. My weight can’t hold the burden I feel over messing up so badly with Kelly.

I close my eyes, the hopelessness threatening to overwhelm me. I thought I'd had it under control. "How did this happen?" I asked softly.

*

I walk in after practice to find Alex on our kitchen floor next to an empty bottle of wine, holding the jacket I had found earlier tight to her chest. My heart shattered at the sight of her. She looked so broken, small, and fragile I couldn’t stand the sight of her like this.

I scolded myself because I should’ve known that wasn’t Alex’s jacket. I slowly walk towards Alex and I realize that I’m afraid remembering her earlier blow up towards me. I don’t think I could handle Alex snapping at me again.

I bent down next to her where she was curled up around the jacket like she was using all of her strength to protect it. Her eyes were open but she was staring off I couldn’t tell if she noticed me there.

“Alex.” I say timidly catching her attention from the sudden sound.

I visibly see her tighten around the jacket like if I took it from her that she would completely come apart. I can’t help but feel like she already feels like I’ve done this to her before. That she feels like that jacket symbolizes everything Kelley was and if I take it from her then I’m taking Kelley away again. Does she blame me? Does she think that it’s my fault that Kelley’s gone? My heart can’t take the attack of these thoughts, my chest tightening, and the back of my eyes are burning.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" She slurs.

"Why Alex?" I ask.

"Because I'm past the point of caring."

"So you're going to add drinking now to the list of unhealthy ways you're dealing with everything."

"To each their own."

I stared at her for a long time, at the woman who looked like Alex and sounded and acted like her, but was not Alex in so many ways, too many to count.

I move towards her too quickly and she flinches at the sudden movement. "Come on Alex." Surprisingly she doesn't fight me as I scoop her up in my arms, bringing her to her room.

I set her down and go out to get her a glass of water, by the time I’m back she’s facing away from me in the same position she always is. I want to comfort her, to make her feel like everything will be okay and nothings broken but I know better.

"You're better than this, Alex." I say out loud.

"Am I?"

I just sigh and leave her room feeling like I'd just left a boxing ring.

*

I wake up to the buzzing of my phone and when I check the caller ID, Sydney’s name flashes across the screen. I let it go to voicemail, when it’s done I notice I have 14 voicemails and over a dozen text messages, none of them from the person I want to hear from.

I scroll down to her name on my contacts, clicking on her name I see the picture I have under her name. It was a picture taken in the fall, she was holding up a pumpkin with a squirrel carved into it. I couldn’t help but smile remembering how excited she was that she successfully carved the outline out.

I want to call her to tell her that I wish I could go back before hurting her and I want to tell her I want my friend back the most.

I get pulled out of my thoughts as I hear my doorknob turn and I quickly put my phone away.

I hear Tobin come in and I’m surprised when I feel the edge of my bed dip a little bit. I hear her inhale a deep breath before she starts talking.

“Lex I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ruined everything for you and that I couldn’t control my feelings for you. I hate seeing you like this but I feel like I can’t be the one to help you get out of it. If I need to leave for you to feel better please tell me and I’ll do it for you. I will pack everything and be out of here in an instant if that is what you need to get better.”

Her words catch me off guard and I honestly don’t know how to feel, but she doesn’t wait for me to answer and I feel her weight leave the bed.

“I’m going to head to practice and give you some time to think. If you need anything you can call.” Tobin says as she gets up and walks out again.

After the door closes and I hear Tobin walk out the front door, her words start replaying in my head. I realize then that I need to talk to someone and I breathe in deep bracing myself for this phone call.

The phone rings and rings before the person on the other line picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hey," I say feeling anxious. "do you think that we could talk?”

“Sure.” The person on the other end says after several moments of silence.

“How did you do it?” I ask hesitantly.

"Do what?" they ask confused.

"Cope with what you did to Ali." I answer.

“I didn’t really cope with it.” I hear Ashlyn let out a sigh, “I slept with a handful of people and even got myself half-heartedly in relationship with a great girl that I ended up hurting in the process as well." I hear her shuffling and a door slam, "Why are you calling me, Lex?"

“I don’t know how to do this.” I whisper into the phone. "I needed to talk to someone who knows how I feel."

"Our situations aren't the same Alex." She sighs over the line, "There was never really someone else, and I never stopped loving Ali or wanting to be with her. I just got scared and fucked things up."

"I know but-" I stutter.

“Look Lex, every situation is different. Every person, every relationship, is different. I can't walk you through it, only you know how to handle this.” Ashlyn rambles. "For me personally, after months of being dumb and reckless, I realized how royally I screwed up with her, and got my shit shit together. I started bettering myself because I knew if I was ever going to try to win her back that I had to be a better version of me, not just for her but for me too. At first I had to learn to forgive myself and that was a lot harder than I'd anticipated. I stopped drinking and partying, I spent a lot of time with my family, I threw myself into soccer and stayed busy to keep my mind off of her."

"What did you do then?"

"Well it worked and it didn't work. I could never get her off my mind and eventually I drove myself crazy to the point that I just needed her back. I knew I was ready and that I'd be willing to do whatever it took." Ashlyn says distantly. "It took a lot of time and patience and work on both our parts. It wasn't easy and I had to gain her trust again, I had to prove I was ready for this; I had to prove myself to her. But our situations aren’t the same Lex," she pauses, "You don’t want Kelley back do you?”

“I just don’t know how to handle not having her in my life. Everything reminds me of her.” My voice is small.

“You were together for a long time Alex, it's going to be like that. You make memories and build your lives together. When it ends you don’t lose all that even when you lose them.” Ashlyn says simply.

"I'm just trying to move on."

“Alex, do you want Kelley back?” Ashlyn asks and I hear something in the edge of her voice.

“I’m happy with Tobin.”

“If you're so happy, why are we having this conversation?”

“I made my choice Ashlyn.” I say a little irritated.

“Alright well have you talked to Tobin about this?”

“No.” I say closing my eyes to the oncoming headache, “Well sort of, but it didn't end well. I said some things I regret."

“Unless you want to lose her too Alex, I suggest you tell her that.” Ashlyn says bitterly and I feel myself flinch. "She deserves better than this."

"You're right." I say once I find my voice. “Thanks for answering Ashlyn.”

“Don't thank me, thank Ali instead because I wasn’t going to.” She says pointedly.

“Ash I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you these last couple of weeks. Yelling at you on the field and then what I said in the hotel room was uncalled for.” I breathe in trying to steady my voice, “I haven't been myself lately.”

“Lex.” I hear her let out a gentle sigh, “Its fine but you can’t keep lashing out on people. You need to check yourself. You’re lucky I love you or we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all and talk to Tobin, you guys need to be there for each other. She's hurting too you know.”

“Thank you Ashlyn.”

“You’re welcome.” Ashlyn says, “Things will get better eventually.”

“Have you talked to Kelley at all?” I ask remembering the argument between Kelley and Ashlyn at the hotel.

“I call every day." Ashlyn sighs heavily, “She won't answer."

“I’m sorry.” I mutter.

“It was my choice to keep it from her Alex I knew the possible consequences." Ashlyn states sounding upset again.

“Do you know how she is doing?”

“Megan told me that she’s going to practice and games but spends most of her time in her bedroom. I guess they had a fight the other night.” Ashlyn says quietly, “She’s having a rough time.”

“I didn’t want to hurt her.” I say my voice catching, “I didn’t want any of this to happen."

“I know Alex but this was a complicated situation." She says, “There's nothing you can do to change what's already happened, how you handle it from here on out is what defines you. Listen boo I have to go Ali and I have practice soon. Keep your head up okay? Don’t hesitate to call if you need me.”

“Thanks Ash. Love you.”

“Love you Lex.”

She says before I hear the line click dead.

*

Just do it Tobin you’ve called a million times just do it one more time. I press the number on my phone and hold my breath as it rings.

“Hello?” My heart stops.

“Kelley.” I say not being able to hide the emotion in my voice.

“No," there's a shuffling on the other line, "Tobin, it's Hope, listen I am the last person who ever wants to get involved in anyone else’s business but you have to stop calling her.”

“I have to talk to her Hope.” I say desperation screaming in my voice.

Hope sighs and I hear murmuring in the background.

“Tobin, she had me answer because she wants you to stop with the calls. I understand that you want to talk to her because of how things were left but you have to understand that right now this is now this is not something you can fix.”

“I need her.” My voice cracks.

“You should’ve thought about that before.” Her voice wasn’t harsh, just matter of, but I couldn’t help but flinch.

“I tried I-”

I hear her sigh again, “Tobin, as hard as this is to hear you need to hear it. For now this is what's best for Kelley and you have to respect that.”

I try to find my voice again but nothing comes out.

“Look, we have practice so I have to go, take care of yourself.” The line clicks.

I sit there in the empty locker room feeling completely drained.

*

I wake up my body aches more than usual, I check the time and it’s only been a couple hours since Tobin came into my room.

Her words replay in my head as I rub my eyes trying to erase the thoughts and decide to get out of bed.

I walk down the hallway and I’m completely shocked to see that our apartment has been cleaned. I walk through the whole apartment and everything single room is completely organized and picked up. Tobin must’ve stayed up all night cleaning.

All the rooms look so unlived in that I can feel myself panicking that maybe Tobin did actually leave. I go straight to her bedroom to see if everything’s still there and I feel myself relax when I see her room is the only room that looks lived in.

I walk in and notice that parts of her walls are empty where she has taken down the pictures of her and Kelley. Was it really that easy for her to move on? I couldn’t help but feel anger rise inside of me as I looked around. How could Tobin not care?

I move towards her bed picking up her bible that was on her night stand. When I opened her bible there was a picture of her and Kelley from last year when we went to the beach. Kelley was on Tobin’s back and they looked so happy.

I flipped through Tobin’s bible and found that various pages were marked with the pictures of her and Kelley. My heart clenched as I turned to the next marked page and found a picture of her and I. It was a picture of us on one of the many bus rides me had taken together. We looked happy, Tobin’s eyes had a sparkle to them and her smile was glowing with happiness. At that moment I wished nothing more than to see that smile again.

I walked out of Tobin’s room deciding that I had invaded her privacy enough. I haven’t felt like I had this much energy in a long time and decide it was time to shower. As I walked into my bathroom I catch a look of myself in the mirror, confirming that a shower was well needed.

When I stepped into the hot water it was a welcomed feeling, the burning warmth against my sore body. The longer I stayed in the shower the more I thought about Tobin’s words. Would Tobin being gone really make me feel better? I have had so much animosity towards Tobin because being with her is what caused all of this. I couldn’t help but think about how this had all started.

*

_Flashback-_

Practice was a nightmare today, I was still mad from getting tackled so hard by one of the defenders.

I walk in to our apartment feeling my anger boil over at the clothes sprawled throughout the place. Tobin and I haven’t been the same since the Canada game but we still agreed to live together. We were distant from each other, we still hung out and talked at practices and games but we we’re never alone together. This past month of living together has been awkward, we don’t joke around as much not like it used to be for us.

“Tobin you’re like a child. Can you pick up your damn clothes? The apartment isn’t your own personal hamper.”

“Come on Lex I have to leave them out like this you never know what kind of situation you’re walking into in each room. I have to be prepared for an outfit change at all times.” Tobin teases trying to lighten my mood but it just feeds my anger.

I throw a shirt at her and I can’t help but raise my voice. “You’ve only been here for a month Tobin and this place is already disgusting. Pick it up.” I know she’s surprised by the expression on her face.

I storm into the bathroom to take a shower to try and calm down from practice and coming home to the apartment looking dirty.

After my shower I go into the living room still annoyed just wanting to relax. I close my eyes but I open them when I hear movement. Tobin is standing there with over twenty shirts on and a couple pairs of shorts and pants on.

She comes walking over to me, waddling trying hard to keep a serious expression. I can feel myself wanting to smile at the sight of her but I try to stand my ground.

“What are you doing Tobin?” I say trying to sound mad.

“Well you were right Lex. I realized that instead of leaving clothes in each room so I can be ready to change at any moment, I can just wear a ton of outfits. This way when a situation arises that calls for me to change I can just pull a layer off.” She says smirking at me.

I shake my head not being able to hide the smile on my face. Tobin is facing me on the side of the couch so I get up to leave the room.

“You really are a child Tobin.” I say to her as her back is turned from me.

“I’m not a child Lex, you’re just boring.” She says jokingly.

I turn around and push her over the couch not being able to help but laugh at how pathetic she looks trying to roll over with all of those shirts on.

After several moments of struggling she finally stands up, out of breath she says, “Lex please help me take these off. I feel like I’m in a deathtrap of clothing.”

I can’t help but laugh more at her but I help her start taking the shirts off. Finally were down to like five shirts so I grab them all and start to pull them up to get them off in one try.

“Alex hold up my heads stuck.” Tobin says bent over laughing hysterically.

I decided the smartest thing to do would be to just pull as hard as possible but when I do Tobin slips on the floor and falls down. At this point we’re both on the ground laughing uncontrollably.

Tobin gets the rest of the shirts off and we just lay there not being able to hold in our laughter. Our stomachs began to ache so we slowly transitioned to small chuckles and finally to a comfortable silence. I missed this part of mine and Tobin’s relationship; it used to be so easy being around her.

Tobin shifted all of a sudden and got up to her feet extending a hand to me as she hoisted me up.

“Well I guess I should do my laundry now.” Tobin says as she gathers her clothes and brings them to the laundry room.

I feel something shift inside of me that have been quietly gnawing at me for months now. I had pushed it out of my mind after Tobin had told me that the night we shared together was a mistake.

“Being an adult is so hard.” Tobin groans as she comes out of the room.

“You didn’t even give me a choice.” I say finally letting the words that have been bottled up pour out.

“What do you mean Alex?” Tobin says confused.

“The morning after we slept together you didn’t even give me a chance. You just told me it was a mistake and we should forget about it. You didn’t even give me a choice.”

“It was a mistake Alex. We we’re both drunk and it didn’t mean anything.” She says trying not to show any emotion but I know her better than that.

“It did mean something to me Tobin and it meant something to you too. I tried talking to you about it but you just pushed it away.”

“It wasn’t easy telling you that Alex because you know how I feel about you but you made it clear before I left for Paris that you didn’t feel the same.” She states defiantly.

“You didn’t give me a choice then either. You ran away to Paris and left me having to answer questions by myself.”

“They weren’t questions I could answer for you Alex.” She says her body tense.

“The point is you we’re scared before Paris or you wouldn’t have told me like that, you we’re scared the day after we slept together or you would’ve talked to me about it, and you’re being scared now.” I say taking a few steps towards her challenging her.

“I’m scared?” Tobin states with a humorless laugh. “You freaked out after I kissed you Alex and I wasn’t scared after we slept together. I was doing the right thing by telling you it was a mistake.”

“How do you know that was the right thing Tobin?” I ask continuing to pressure her to tell me what she’s thinking.

“Because of Kelley,” She says pointedly. “You are with Kelley and I didn’t want to ruin your relationship, mine and Kelley’s friendship, or ours Alex.”

“Those aren’t choices you get to make by yourself Tobin.” I say frustrated.

“Alex, why are you doing this?” Tobin says matching my frustration.

The last few months I have been trying so hard to push Tobin out of my head and the feelings that came along with that night. I was doing great until we moved in together and now the feelings are back again.

“No matter what I try to do I can’t stop thinking about you and replaying that night in my head. I tried so hard to not think about you but I can’t.” I say finally telling her how I really feel.

“Alex…” Tobin says letting the pain in her voice show unconsciously making me move closer to her.

“No matter what I do Tobin my mind always wanders back to you. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” I closed the space between us. “That night wasn’t a mistake to me.”

I pull her face towards mine kissing her gently testing her reaction. I feel my body relax as she moves closer to me to close the kiss more. Her lips are soft against mine and there’s an unfamiliar excitement that runs through my body. A moment too soon Tobin pulls away slightly meeting my questioning gaze.

“What does this mean Alex?” she whispers.

“I don’t know Tobin but I want to figure that out.” I say as I wrap my arms around her neck pulling her in for another kiss.

*

The memory seemed so vivid I felt like it had happened moments ago. I remember the exhilarating feeling that ran through my body that night and the feeling that I have continued to feel this entire time.

I forgot how Tobin’s lips made everything seem okay and how her gentle touch made me feel safe. I wanted those feelings back because I want Tobin she was the one person who was always there for me no matter what.

I got out of the shower and put on a fresh tee shirt and some sweats, I would try to dress nicely tomorrow.

Pulling my hair into a messy bun I made my way out of my bedroom into the living room. Tobin was sitting on the couch watching TV and her gaze immediately found mine as she heard me walk into the room.

"I feel like I'm drowning."

"Alex-"

"No let me finish," I stop her and she just nods, "I know I am terrible with this sort of stuff, feelings and talking and all that but I am trying" I pause, "I am scared, more scared than I have ever been in my life. I'm starting a whole new chapter in my life and I'm terrified. God even admitting this to you is terrifying." I take a deep breath before continuing, "I feel like I'm drowning, but when you hold me, I feel like I can breathe again, like I can hold my head above the water." I trail off, "I love you, Tobin."

She looked scared but she lifted her arm up for me to sit with her and I didn’t hesitate settling down next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. She leaned her head down and breathed in to my hair, then kissing me lightly. "I love you too." she mumbles.

“Stay.” I say before I feel her wrap her arm around me tighter and turning back to the TV.

**

When I got home from practice I was shocked to hear water running in the bathroom. I didn’t really know what to think so I waited in the living room pretending to watch TV.

Alex came out and I saw something in her that I use to see when she would look at me before everything fell apart.

"I feel like I'm drowning," She trails off and I wait for her to say something or do something.

My first thought was she's going to ask me to leave and I found myself clutching tightly to the remote in my hand. "Alex-"

"No let me finish," I just nod, "I know I am terrible with this sort of stuff, feelings and talking and all that but I am trying." she pauses and I watch as she struggles to find the right words, "I am scared, more scared than I have ever been in my life. I'm starting a whole new chapter in my life and I'm terrified. God even admitting this to you is terrifying." she takes a deep breathe, "I feel like I'm drowning, but when you hold me, I feel like I can breathe again, like I can hold my head above the water." I feel my heart quicken in my chest, "I love you, Tobin."

I was terrified but at the same time the little amount of hope that I held on to was screaming at me to do something so I lift my arm up for her to sit with me and she didn't hesitate as she slipped onto the couch and leaned into my hug, resting her head on my shoulder. Alex was sitting next to me curled into me in a matter of seconds and I felt myself truly breathe for the first time in weeks. I leaned down and kissed her head lightly. "I love you, too." I mumble happily.

“Stay.” I heard her whisper but my mind felt like she screamed it.


	11. Chapter 11

“I don’t know how you do that thing with your legs but it’s amazing.” Alex breathes out as she lies on her back.

I can feel my chest rising and falling trying to catch my breath as I let out a chuckle at her compliment.

“I guess yoga really does help your flexibility after all.” I joke.

“Whatever it is I love it.” Alex says as she rolls over on top of me straddling my waist.

Alex is beautiful whether she’s wearing sweats, a jersey, or a dress, but she’s the most beautiful when she’s completely naked. I don’t think I can find a single flaw on her body as I stare at her marveling her naked form.

A spark of pleasure ignites inside of me as Alex slowly begins to rock her hips into me. Lately Alex and I with the exception of practices or games spend most of our spare time in the apartment exploring each other’s bodies over and over again. It seems to be Alex's way of coping and although I can't say I approve of it exactly, I also can’t say I have a huge problem with it. Alex has never been one for talking about her feelings and for the first couple of days I just didn't have it in me to push her when I had just gotten her back. Now however, I’m at a point of complete exhaustion and I need a break. It was time that Alex and I stop hiding away in our apartment and try to move forward.

“Lex-” I try to talk but her lips immediately press against mine not letting me finish.

She pulls away and continues to rock back and forth and I have to will myself to try and stop her. I place my hands on her hips firmly trying to stop the motion that’s slowly driving me crazy. Alex just tries to press harder my body tingling with sensation but I resist trying to stop her tormenting motion. She grabs my hands tightly bringing them up to her breasts pressing my hands against them. She holds my hands there as she rocks back and forth tilting her head back with her eyes closed biting her lip.

“Alex I think we need-” Focus I chastise myself, “We need to take a breather.”

She lets out a seductively raspy laugh as she slows her movement bending forward kissing me lightly before moving her lips to my ear.

“Tobin.” Her voice teasing laced with desire. “Is that really what you want?” She continues as she guides my hand down her torso to feel the wetness from her movements.

“Damnit.” I say in a rough voice as I turn us over giving in as I continue to let her use me to help ease her pain.

*

Alex is lying next to me on her side as she plays with a strand of my hair, a winning smile replacing the seductive look from before.

We’ve been lying in bed completely naked for about twenty minutes now still trying to recover from the third assault she put me through today.

Alex plants a kiss on my shoulder as her hand moves to my exposed chest teasing me as her hand skims one of my breasts. I close my eyes frustrated with longing but deteremined to break us of this routine we’ve created.

“You’re relentless.” I say grabbing her hand to stop her.

“Yeah but I don’t think you mind.” She says trying to break away to continue her motion.

It's a battle not only with her, but myself as well to get out of bed. Once I do, I'm searching the room for my clothes and in a rush clumsily putting them on. It's safer to try and talk to her if I’m clothed and have a distance in between us.

“Alex as much as I love doing this, I think it's time that we start doing things.”

“We are doing things.” Alex laughs and my heart leaps in my chest, she is so adorably irresistible.

I sigh heavily knowing how stubborn she is especially with the attitude she’s been in this last week.

“No Alex I don’t mean having sex I mean actually doing stuff outside of the apartment.” I say not backing down.

She gets out of bed walking towards me completely naked and I try to back away but she is too quick. She reaches out, wrapping her arms around my neck, kissing me hard on the mouth. Her tongue pushes past my lips finding mine causing me to grab her hips pulling her closer.

What are you doing? Stop giving in to her.

“Stop, stop, stop.” I say pulling away but not moving my hands from her hips. "Alex, I'm serious."

“Come on Tobin we can leave the apartment tomorrow.” She says trying to persuade me.

I sigh again but this time it sounds more defeated than frustrated. I look away from her and I know she sees the discouraged look on my face.

“What did you have in mind?” She asks softly.

“I want to take you on our first date.” I say it sternly but feeling shy at the same time.

“Frist date?” She says laughing at me, “Haven’t we been on dates before?”

“Not without-” I exhale nervously, “complications.” I say carefully choosing my words.

She is quiet for a moment taking in what I had meant and I see a sadness in her eyes that I expected. I squeeze her hips gently trying to give her reassurance and it seems to work. She kisses me lightly and I feel myself relax not realizing that I had been so worked up.

“Friday night?” She asks with a smile.

*

After practice the following day Lauren and I hung back from the team so we could talk.

“So you asked her out on a date?” Lauren asks.

I kick at an imaginary pebble on the field. “I don’t want to hide away in the apartment anymore.”

“Alright so what you're really saying is that you asked her on a date so she would stop using you for sex to mask her feelings about Kelley for a night?” Lauren grumbles.

“Chen are you ever going to stop being mad at her?”

“When she grows up, then maybe I'll think about it.” Lauren says pointedly.

“Come on Lauren." I give her my best puppy dog face. "She broke up with Kelley and we’re finally moving on. She isn’t hurting me anymore so why can’t you just be her friend?” I know I sound desperate, “I need you two to get along.”

“Tobin she didn’t break up with Kelley, Kelley broke up with her after she caught you two together.” Lauren states coldly, “And Alex hasn’t grown up, she strung you and Kelley along the whole time and ruined your friendship. And now instead of working out her feelings she’s using sex as some messed up escape from it all.”

Her words sting but I know she meant for them to.

“Please just try Lauren.” I say sighing heavily. I hate that their friendship has been ruined, “I messed up too but you stood by me the entire time. Alex wasn’t the only one who made mistakes please just try for me.”

Lauren looks like she’s about to say no but then I see something flash in her eyes, “Fine." she huffs, "I’ll try but I'm not making any promises.”

“Thanks man.” I say wrapping my arm around her shoulder.

“I don’t know why I’m your friend.” Lauren chides.

“I don’t either but I’m so thankful that you are.” I smile at her before letting my next thought out, “Have you talked to Kelley?”

“I’ve called a few times but still no answer." I feel my chest clench as sadness enters Laurens eyes and her shoulders drop, "I know it's going to take a lot more than just a phone call to work everything out." she huffs, "We have tomorrow off, I'm thinking about going to Seattle to see her.”

I can tell Lauren seems hesitant about telling me this.

“Yo Chen, you have a chance to actually be able to fix things between you guys, don't not do it because of me." I state, looping my thumbs around the rope on my bag,  " I want you guys to be friends Lauren."

“I just value both of your friendships." she sighs and looks down at the grass, "I think I owe it to Kelley to apologize and try and explain myself.”

“I know dude. Don't worry about me on this one, okay?" I smile genuinely,  "Hey, if you do end up going, I ugh have a jacket of hers. Do you think you could bring it with you?”

“Yeah of course.” Lauren says smiling.

We stood there for a few moments before I began talking again. "Make sure she's okay, will you?"

"I will." She promises, "You guys will work this out someday.”

“Honestly Lauren, I don't really see that happening. I pray that it does though.” I say feeling the familiar ache inside of me whenever I think about Kelley.

I can see Alex and Nikki Washington walking towards us so Lauren doesn’t say anything else about it. When they finally reach us Alex has that same nervous look on her face whenever she gets near Lauren.

“Hey guys.” She says awkwardly not making eye contact.

“You ready to get going?” I say grabbing the rest of my gear off the bench. “I’ll bring that to you later Chen. See ya Friday, Nikki.”

“Sounds good let’s grab lunch tomorrow.” Cheney says as Nikki waves goodbye to all of us.

“Yeah I’m down.” I say as I turn to walk away.

“You can come too Babyhorse.” I hear Lauren say. Her voice is lined with tension but I’m still grateful that she’s making an effort.

“Ye-yeah that sounds great.” Alex stumbles over her words taken back by Laurens invitation.

I mouth thank you to Lauren as Alex turns to walk ahead of me but Laurens eyes are icy and I know it’s going to be awhile before they can actually be friends again.

“That was weird.” Alex says looking deep in thought.

“I don’t think it was that weird.” I say.

“Lauren hasn’t been a fan of me in a long time and now she invites me to lunch? I think we both know she isn’t fond of us together either.” Alex says heatedly. “Did you say something to her?”

“I may or may not have asked her to ease up on you.” I say looking guilty.

“Tobin I don’t need you trying to fix things for me with anyone.” She picks up her speed walking ahead of me.

She walks ahead of me until we get to the car when I grab her wrist stopping her.

“I was just trying to help.” I say feeling bad about intervening.

“I don’t need your help Tobin, I’m not broken I don’t need fixing.” She says angrily.

“Okay I’m sorry.” I say not making eye contact hurt by her words.

We drove the whole way back to the apartment in silence her words repeatedly playing in my head. I try to reach for her hand intertwining our fingers but she only holds it for a couple seconds before letting go pretending to fiddle with the radio. She walks ahead of me into the apartment,I sling my bag off my arm and put it on the floor next to the door knowing that it’s going to be a long night of silence from her. Turning I'm suddenly being slammed into the door Alex’s lips pressing hard into mine, the kiss is urgent and hungry. My brain shuts off as her hands roam freely over my body but when I feel her begin to lift my shirt I immediately snap out of it and grab her hand stopping her from what I know she’s trying to do.

“No Alex.” I say firmly.

Her lips move to my neck as she mutters into my skin, “I know you don’t mean that.”

“I want to talk Alex.” I say trying to push her back to give us enough space to talk without her tempting me.

Alex’s mouth found mine a moment later still with the same urgency as before. She pulled slightly away looking me in the eyes but the ravenous look that I’ve grown to know all too well lately.

“Then talk to me.” Alex whispers into my ear.

“Alex I-” My words we’re cut off as Alex’s hand slid into the front of my shorts my previous words we’re replaced with a low strangled moan.

Alex was good at always getting her way, like she knew exactly what to do to avoid any talking that she didn’t want to do. Although I had already assumed as much, I realized in this moment that she really was in fact using sex as an escape and excuse not to have to talk.

I let my frustration take over and unconcisously I push Alex, harder than I intended to but I did it so I could get away from her. Alex stumbled back looking completely startled.

“What the hell Tobin?” Alex says confused and annoyed.

“I’m not going to let you keep doing this Alex.” I say frustrated, “You can’t just keep using sex as an excuse not to have to talk to me.”

“Tobin that’s not what I’m doing.” She says stubbornly.

“Yes it is Alex." I retort.

“What do you want Tobin?” She says emotionless which scares me.

“I want you to talk to me, Alex. About Kelley, about us, what you’re feeling.” I say in a small voice.

She immediately tenses and I can see the imaginary walls fly up as she prepares herself for a fight.

“There isn’t anything to say, she’s gone, you and I are together, end of story."

“If only it were that simple." I sigh lean against the door frame, "You need to talk about it Alex.”

“What I need is for you to stop acting like you know how I feel."

"If anyone can relate in this situation it is me."

"She was my girlfriend Tobin!" she shouts angrilily.

"She was my best friend!" I exclaim as she shakes her head at me.

"She was my first girlfriend, she was the first person I fell in love with, she was the first person I slept with." She lists off as her knuckles turn white from gripping the counter so tightly. "Seven years Tobin, we were together seven years! That shit doesn't just go away because she's gone and you and I are together."

"You think I don't understand that?"

"No, I know you don't understand that." She lets go of the counter-top and stands up straight.

"How can you say that?"

"Because if you did, you wouldn't be pushing me to talk about it!"

"Alex-"

"No Tobin, All you've done since we got together is push and push and push. You wanted me to end things with Kelley, well I did. Her and I are over and it's still not enough for you."

“Fuck you Alex.”

“You wanted me to talk so I’m talking.” She says it and I can’t help but feel my anger boil over.

"Don’t tell me that I don’t understand. I was best friends with Kelley long before you knew her and just because you dated doesn’t mean losing her hurts any less for me.” I let the burning sensation in my eyes surge as the tears stroll down my cheeks. “I hurt too, so don’t act-" I breathe in, "Don’t act like you’re the only one. I love her too.” The words choke out as my throat tightens from the sobs trying to escape.

I stand there letting everything I’ve been bottling up inside pour out in front of Alex.

“I don’t mean it like that.” Alex says something in her eyes shifting.

“Yes you do because you think you’re the only one who lost someone.” I say trying to wipe the tears away. “You need to realize that we both made choices and we both lost Kelley the only difference is I don’t blame you now or regret being with you."

"Tobin-" she pauses staring blankly at me.

"You know, it's amazing how long you can live in denial. I've been doing it for months. Today though," I took my lower lip in between my teeth to stop from crying. "Today I was finally honest with myself and it scared me." I find myself struggling to keep it together long enough to say everything I need. "I don't want to be scared, Alex not with you, I can't live like that."

My words hang in the air as I grab my longboard that's leaning against the wall and turn to leave, slamming the door in my wake.

*

The sun is slowly setting in the horizon as several different shades of lavender and orange fill the sky. The ocean seems calm.

I head to the beach to clear my head. The sun is starting to slowly fall into the horizon and the waves are calming down from today’s earlier winds. I bury my feet into the sand trying to find comfort in the feeling of the small grains between my toes.

I thought thing were going to be different, I thought that we would be okay. As I sit there, I realize that not once since the night she came out to tell me to stay, have I heard her tell me she loves me. She doesn't talk about how she feels, she doesn’t joke with me, honestly off the field and outside of the bedroom she doesn't even spend time with me. The only thing Alex does is get lost in the few hours of physical contact that she wants from me. I love her but I can’t overlook these things anymore because I don’t want to keep hurting. I didn’t think I had lied to Lauren earlier but I had. The choices we have made have caused a permanent ache inside of me, an ache that neither, Alex or I can fill.

I don’t regret being with Alex but I will always regret how we got together and all the lies we have created. I’ll regret the look on Kelley’s face when she found out and how I had acted that night. But if I had to go back and choose between Alex or no Alex I would chose Alex every time.

I spend the next couple of hours thinking about everything that’s happened and coming to grips with the fact that Alex may feel otherwise. That everything that’s happened may have changed Alex’s feelings towards me. I grab my longboard and stand up knowing that it’s better to go face Alex now rather than wait out the inevitable.

*

I walk into the apartment shutting the door quietly walking towards my bedroom but on my way I stop in front of the living room, Alex is sitting on the couch waiting for me.

“Hey.” I say quietly looking down at my feet.

“Will you come watch TV with me?” Alex says with a small smile.

I walk over to her and sit next to her on the couch.

“I miss you Lex.”

“I’m here.” She murmurs not taking her eyes off the screen.

I realize that it is the only thing I’m going to get from her tonight.

*

“Where is Alex?” Lauren asks me as I walk up to the table where we were meeting for lunch.

“I don’t know I think with Allie she left before I was even up so I don’t know.” I state plainly.

“So I’m guessing that you tried getting her to talk?”

“Yeah it didn’t go so well.” I say replaying the conversation in my head from last night.

“So what happened?” Lauren presses me for details.

“We fought on the way home because I asked you to ease up on her. Then she bombarded me as soon as we got home trying to have sex so I pushed her away and told her I wanted to talk. As soon as I brought up Kelley she freaked out.” I say sighing frustrated, “Please don’t say I told you so.”

“Tobin you just have to keep working on it. Alex is stubborn and she doesn’t like to open up but if she wants it to work then she has to talk to you about it.” Lauren states compassionately.

“What if she never wants to open up?” I ask nervously.

“Then you have to let her go because it is unfair to you to have her hold this resentment over you or keep things from you.” Lauren softens her voice, “It’s unfair to you Tobin.”

“I don’t want to lose her but I can’t keep feeling this way Lauren.” I say defeated.

“Maybe you won’t.” Lauren says trying to be confident. “Alex Morgan has always had a knack for stepping up and surprising us all.

*

I spent most of the afternoon trying to find peace and quiet in my room with my bible. Completely engulfed in the passage I was reading, I jumped a little when I heard a sudden knock. When I look up Alex is standing in my doorway with a small smile on her face.

“Hey.”

“Whats up?” I ask refocusing my eyes on the page in front of me.

“I’m sorry I missed lunch today.” She says quietly.

“It’s fine.” I say looking up briefly before back down at my bible.

“Your room looks so different now.” She says as she steps into my room.

“Yeah I guess.” I say emotionless not giving her responses like I usually would.

“Why did you take the pictures down?” Alex questions.

“Change of scenery I guess.” I say not wanting to open up to her to give her a taste of how she acts with me.

“Tobin.” Alex sighs and I feel my anger diffusing but I don’t let it betray me.

“Lex I’m in the middle of something so maybe we can talk later?”

She walks over to me nudging me to move over so I grab the picture I use of Kelley and I as a bookmark before moving over to make room on the bed for her.

“What did you do with the pictures?” She presses.

“Some are in the top drawer over there and some are in my bible.” I say trying hard to concentrate on the words on the page but not being able to with Alex sitting so close to me. I’ve read my bible around her a bunch of times but it's different when I do it casually than when I do it to ignore her.

“Why?” She continues.

“You know that my bible calms me, its the one item I treasure the most.” I say running a hand over the page. “I guess these pictures became treasurable and looking at them hurts a lot less this way than being plastered on my wall taunting me.” I try to sound casual but I know my voice wavers.

“What’s this picture from?” Alex asks as she grabs the picture out of my hand.

“It’s from when Kelley and I competed in the U-20’s World Championship in Russia.” I smiled at the memory of that day. “Kelley wanted to show us how Casey did pull ups but instead she pulled this huge molding off of the door frame. It was literally almost as tall as her, I think I actually have a picture of her with it stored away somewhere. Anyway, she got her hands on some industrial strength glue and she was nervous it wouldn't stay that she stuck around and held it up for thirty minutes to be sure it was dried. By the time it was dry and we had convinced her it was okay to let go, she was exhausted and made me piggy back her to her room."

Alex was silent as she listened to my story and she was silent after even as I chuckled to myself at the memory.

“I remember Kelley telling me-” Alex cuts herself off and I feel a little frustration rise.

“Alex you can talk to me about Kelley.” I say trying to have her open up.

“I don’t want you to think that if I do it means something it's not. You know?

“Alex I want you to talk about Kelley because it would be ridiculous if you didn’t.” I say sighing lightly, “Kelley was my best friend for 11 years and I want to talk about her because I miss her and it hurts. You dated her for 7 years so I know that you miss her too even if you don’t love her anymore I still expect you to hurt. I of all people know that you hurt.”

Alex nods.

“I was just going to say that I remember she had told me how she broke the molding and how she made you carry her that entire night because she was ‘too weak.'” Alex says smiling.

I couldn’t help but let out a laugh thinking about how many dumb things we had gotten ourselves into over the eleven years I had known Kelley. She was always roping me into some crazy bet or stunt that ended up with us in trouble or injured. She was always so spontaneous and willing to do anything for excitement. It’s something I’m going to miss about her.

“I miss her.” I say quietly closing my eyes.

“I miss her too.” Alex says handing me back the picture. “I’m sorry I’ve been so misunderstanding about my feelings about Kelley. I just didn’t want to push you away with them and I guess I was by not telling you.”

“I just want to be there for you Lex and be able to talk to each other about her and how we feel.”

“I know it’s just hard for me to open up and I’ve already hurt so many people. I don’t want to hurt anyone else especially you.”

“Then don’t hurt me Alex.” I say grabbing her hand. “Just don’t shut me out.”

“I wish I had met you before I had met Kelley.” Alex says after several moments of silence, “This way no one would’ve gotten hurt.”

“Alex you can’t think like that. I know that you don’t regret meeting Kelley and falling in love with her. You guys made each other happy for a long time and you did a lot together. I know you wouldn’t want that to be taken away.” I say taking a deep breath before continuing. “The only thing I regret is that we snuck around and we weren’t straight up from the beginning. I don’t regret the time we spent together or falling in love. And I don’t want you to regret meeting Kelley or the memories you share together.”

We sit there for several moments saying nothing before she finally broke the silence.

“I remember the first time she introduced me to you.”

I smile at the memory of the first day I had met Alex when Kelley and her first started to see each other.

*

"She just pulled in, she'll be up in a minute." Kelley says as she shuts her phone and places it on her desk.

"About time."

"You're ridiculous Tobin." Kelley scoffs jokingly as she flops onto her bed next to me.

I was visiting Kelley at Stanford over one of our long weekends and it just so happened that Alex was coming that weekend as well.

"Come on Kell, this is too perfect of an opportunity." I say with a chuckle as I pull on one of my knee pads.

"She's going to hate me." She exaggerates as she throws herself back on the mattress and I can't help but grin widely at her. "Stop Tobin!" She exclaims giddily and slaps me on my arm. "It's not funny."

A moment later there's a knock on the door and I laugh as I see Kelley's eyes widen before she shoots up and practically runs towards it.

“Hey Lex.” Kelley smiles as she moves off to the side letting the taller girl in.

“Hey.” Alex smiles nervously.

“I’ve missed you.” Kelley says wrapping her arms around Alex’s waist and standing on her tippy toes to kiss her, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” Alex grins shyly at the girl in front of her.

They both stand there just looking at each other and I roll my eyes before clearing my throat. "Ahem."

They both jump and Alex's face blushes beet red and I catch Kelley smiling at the other girls reaction.

“Alex, this is my best friend Tobin.” Kelley says to Alex before looking at me, “Tobin this is my-" she pauses as she tries to figure out what to say, "This is Alex.” She finally settles on.

I slowly get off the bed as I finish putting on my elbow pads and make my way over to the younger girl that's eyeing me strangely.

“Nice to meet you, Tobin.” She says taking a step towards me extending her hand.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I say taking a step back. "Not so fast."

"What?" Alex pulls her arm back like she's just been shocked.

"I've heard you make quite the first impression." I turn around to pick up the helmet I had left on the bed and fasten it on. "You can never be too careful."

"Oh." Alex blushes an even brighter shade of red.

"I'm sorry Al-" Kelley tries to step in but I cut her off.

"It's nice to formally meet you." I smile widely at the girl infront of me. "Off the pitch I mean."

“Nice to meet you too Tobin.” Alex replies shaking my hand politely.

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” I say winking in Kelley's direction and this causes both Alex and Kelley to blush. “A lot.”

“Shut up Tobin don’t freak her out.” Kelley elbows me in the side, “Don’t worry about Tobin she’s just bumped her head one too many times.”

"This coming from the girl with a concussion." I say smirking.

"Yeah about that..." Alex mumbles sheepishly.

Kelley bursts out laughing, doubling over and clutching her stomach. "Too much guys, too much."

Alex's face is bright red and she looks so embarrassed, that just causes Kelley and I laugh to even harder.

“You guys are assholes.”

“Sorry Alex I couldn’t stop her.” Kelley says in between breaths.

“Then you’re an asshole.” Alex says playfully glaring at me.

“Nice to meet you too.” I say unclasping the helmet and playfully nudging her arm.

*

As I recall the memory to Alex the same embarrassed look was playing on her face.

“It’s not funny Tobin! I was really nervous to meet you because Kelley had talked so much about you and then that’s the first thing you do to me.”

“I thought it was hilarious plus I wanted to see how well you could fit in with Kelley and I’s antics.”

“Glad I passed.”

“No one said you passed, we just felt bad for you."

"Ouch."

"I mean really though, after that first date..." I prodded.

“It was awful wasn’t it?” Alex says laughing to herself.

“Yeah but Kelley loved every second of it.” I laughed along with her.

“Thank you Tobin.” Alex says after our laughter settled down, “You’ve been so patient and I know how hard it is to deal with me while trying to deal with your own emotions.”

“It’s okay Alex I know how hard everything has been on you but I just want you to allow me to help you so you can try and move past this and forgive yourself.” I say cautiously.

“I just didn’t want to hurt her.” Alex says her voice strained.

“I know Alex neither did I.” I say my voice filled with sadness.

“Do you think she will forgive us?” Alex asks quietly.

“I pray that she does but I honestly don’t know at this point.” I squeeze my eyes shut trying to get rid of the headache that’s forming. “I hope so.”

“I couldn’t help my feelings for you but I regret how it happened the lying and sneaking around. I wish I could take that back at least and had started fresh with you instead of hurting her. I never wanted to hurt her.”

“I know Alex I know.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Do you think she’s okay?”

“Lauren said that Christen and all of them are getting her to practices and games so it’s a start. I know she isn’t answering anyones phone calls and she spends most of her time in her room.”

“I just want her to be okay.”

“She will be.” I say it with more confidence than I actually feel. "It will get better in time."

“I hope so.” Alex says distantly.

“Lex can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“Why did you take the pictures in the apartment down?”

“They were too painful to look at.” She says softly, “As bad as this is to say I almost feel like Kelley died and it’s heartbreaking. Thinking about not having her around anymore and feeling the emptiness in this apartment how much of herself she brought into it feels like she’s not here with us anymore. I couldn’t bear it.”

“She was a huge part of our lives and having her ripped away feels like a tragedy.” I say feeling the overwhelming sadness creep in.

“Will it ever get easier?”

“I guess we just have to find out.”

“I’m happy you’re here Tobin.” She says leaning her head on mine. “I couldn’t do this without you. I’m sorry that I’ve been so selfish lately.” She exhales shakily.

 “I miss her too Alex.” I say hearing the sadness in my voice.

“I know Tobin and it’s going to take us some getting used to, you know, transitioning without all of the sneaking around and not having her around.” She says as she moves closer to me grabbing my hand. “But I don’t hate you or regret being with you at all.”

“You’re just so distant sometimes.” I state. “It scares me.”

“I know and I’m sorry I thought that if I just didn’t talk about it then it would be easier to deal with.” She sighs, “I’m just trying to find a way to cope with everything but I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you because I do, love you very much Tobin.”

“I love you to Alex.” I say feeling relief at her words.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“It’s just as much as I love having sex I think talking is a better way to work on things.” I joke trying to lighten the mood.

“Can’t keep up Heath?” Alex laughs.

“Not at all.” I exaggerate.

“Well then how about we watch a movie. I will even let you choose.” Alex says smiling at me.

I jump up to choose a movie from my collection in my room before settling back down laying on top of Alex.

“God you weigh a ton.” Alex teases.

“I think I liked you better when you didn’t talk.” I say poking Alex in the side causing her to squirm.

“Hush or you’ll be sleeping alone tonight.” She says playing with my hair as we fall back into being a small part of how we use to be.

*

I knock on the door to my own apartment feeling more nervous than I thought I would. Alex answers the door and she looks absolutely gorgeous. Her hair is curled which I love, and she’s wearing a short, black dress that makes me almost want to forget the date and stay in all night.

“Why are you knocking on the door?” Alex answers the door looking confused, but still laughing.

“Because it’s our first official date and I’m going to do it properly.” I say kissing her on the cheek. “You look amazing Lex.”

“Thank you.” She says almost looking shy.

“You ready to go on an awesome first date?” I say not being able to hide the smile on my face at the date that I had set up for us.

“Of course.” She says smiling but it doesn’t reach her face.

“Alright lets get going then.” I say trying to push the negative thoughts out of my head.

*

When we get to the beach I hop out of the car and open her door for her. She reaches for my hand thanking me smiling with her goofy grin.

“So what are we-oh my god.” Alex stops short as she looks at the beach where I have our date set up.

I had set up a picnic on the beach but with a twist. I had blankets set up on the beach with pillows. I had sheets that I borrowed from the apartment set up on top and all the sides causing an enclosure for us so it would be private. I had created a fire before I came off to the side so the cool air wasn’t too cold.

Next to the little fort I had set up a table with plates, utensils, and candles in the middle. I bought these cool lights that sat on the ground lighting up the area for us.

“You’re such a dork.” I hear her breathe out as we get closer to the little shelter I had created.

“Do you like it?” I asked nervously.

“It’s amazing.” She says quietly observing the set up for us.

All of a sudden a man dressed up in a fancy suit comes over and asks us if we would like to be seated.

“Are you joking?” Alex looks at me incredulously.

I smile wide at her, grabbing her hand as I pull us to the table. She sits down and he pours water into both of our glasses.

“I will be back in a moment with your menus.” He says before bowing his head and walking away.

“Tobin you did not have to do this.” Alex says looking around as she notices another hut created that the man was walking in to.

“Yes I did.” I say grabbing her hand from across the table. “The first date has to always be special.”

As I say it I see her eyes grow darker and her stare is now distant like shes in a completely different place. I watch as her features change into sadness and I immediately feel myself panicking. I know who she is thinking of and it's making my stomach lurch.

“Uh Lex are you okay?” I ask worried.

Her eyes return to me as she pulls herself out of her thoughts but still looking like she isn’t completely with me.

“Yeah I’m fine.” She pauses before continuing. “Just haven’t been on a first date in a long time that’s all.”

“Yeah I understand.” I say trying to hide the disappointment in my voice but I know it doesn’t work.

“Hey,” She says grabbing my hand, “I’m happy to be on this first date with you.” All I can do is smile weakly at her before the waiter is standing next to us handing a menu over.

All the menu says on it is:

Appetizers: Fruit bowl

Entrees: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich (with or without crust.)

Dessert: Cupcakes

I hear Alex laugh out loud as she reads over the menu and it gives me enough nerve to continue the date and not suggest that we just go grab something quick to eat and head home.

“What can I get for you tonight miss?”

“I think I will splurge and have all of it.” Alex smiles at the waiter.

“And for you ma’am?” He says turning towards me.

“I will have what she’s having.” I joke.

The waiter walks away and returns with all of our food in one single trip. He was some random guy I had met at the beach earlier that day but I had paid him to help me out tonight. After we get done eating I bring Alex into the make shift room I made for us to relax and finish our dessert.

“Best PB&J I have ever had.” Alex kids as she lays down on one of the blankets.

“I know we’re lucky that we got here when we did. I heard this place gets pretty packed on a Friday night but I pulled some strings for you.” I wink at her.

“Well aren’t I just the luckiest then.” She smiles at me.

“You’re just lucky I’m such a famous soccer player and can get this kind of star treatment.”

“How did I ever snag such a catch like yourself?”

“Well let’s just say it wasn’t because of your personality.” I pretend to look disgusted but I can’t help the laughter escape as Alex huffs at me while glaring.

“You know Tobin everyone thinks you’re such a sweetheart but I know you’re just a brat.”

“Yeah but I’m good looking so you over look it.” I smirk at her.

“Yeah that’s the only thing you’re good for.” She responds.

“I can think of a few more things that I’m good at.” I say as I graze my hand up her exposed thigh leaning in to kiss her.

She kisses me gently but stops my hand before it reaches under her dress. She intertwines our hand but moves them away from her and sets them on the floor.

“I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am but I don’t hook up on the first date.” She says taunting me.

“Such a prude.” I groan as I receive a slap on the arm form her. “It’s okay I think I have another idea in mind.”

“And what would that be?” She asks questioningly.

I stand up pulling over the sheet opening up the front of the enclosure. There in front of us was a huge projector screen with a projector behind us so we could watch a movie.

“How did you do this?” Alex says stepping out of the tent and staring at the screen that was rolling through movie trailers.

“Well I figure you can’t have a first date without dinner and a movie.” I shrug smiling at how surprised she looked.

“This is amazing Tobin.” Her eyes tear up a little and I’m immediately at her side.

“Hey hey what is wrong?” I search her face worried that I messed up.

“Nothing.”  She lets out a small laugh, “It’s just that this is the best first date I’ve been on.”

I know that she isn’t lying remembering how awful her and Kelley’s first date had gone. I knew that these type of things would bring back a lot of memories and I was just thankful that Alex was handling it so well.

“Well in that case popcorn or candy?” I say reaching for the bag that was outside of the make shift tent.

“Both.” She laughs grabbing the bag as she lies back down in the tent.

I lay down next to her and she immediately cuddles into my side resting her head on my chest as we watch the movie playing on the screen. I can barely focus on the movie my thoughts getting lost because of the girl lying next to me. I was so happy to finally be on an actual date, no strings, no complications, no lies, just me and her.

*

We finally get back to the apartment but instead of following her back in I stop at the door. She looks at me questioningly and smiles at me before walking back towards me.

“I had a really nice time tonight.” She smiles looking down at her hands.

 “I had a lot of fun tonight too.” I say making the motions of a first date goodbye, “I definitely think we should do it again.”

“That would be great.”

“So I guess I should be heading home.”

“Yeah it is getting kind of late.” She says.

“Before I go there’s been something I’ve been wanting to ask you.” I say actually feeling nervous.

“What is it?” She asks looking genuinely confused.

“I’ve loved you for a long time now and these past months have been amazing with you but they haven’t exactly been ours. I want every moment from now on to just be our own. I want to build our own memories and have our first times as an actual couple.” I breathe in and exhale my voice shaking, “What I’m trying to say is- is will you…” Ask her Tobin I urge myself, “Will you be my girlfriend Alex?”

Alex eyes go a little wide and I don’t think I’ve seen her look scared like this before. Her eyes have that far away look again, her body stiffens for a second but then it’s like something clicks inside of her, like something finally fits into place. She pushes a strand of hair out of my face smiling at me like I’m the only person in the world to her.

“Yes.” She whispers as I lean in for an innocent goodnight kiss but it deepens after several moments and I feel myself exhale under the kiss.

“Do you want to come in?” She asks me as she pulls me inside shutting the door behind us.


	12. Chapter 12

The sound of the rain pummeled down onto the apartment building as I lay in my bed playing with the ring that despite everything, I still wore on my finger. It was yet another Seattle evening shower to beat the unbearable heat of the summer. It had almost become routine. The clouds would begin to hover around five o'clock and by six it was a torrential downpour. I found myself almost grateful for the rain; the cloudy days definitely matched my mood as of late. Hearing footsteps outside my room, I pulled the covers up over my head and closed my eyes throwing prayers up to the heavens that they would just let me be for a little bit longer.

"Kelley?" It was Ali.

"Go away please." I whine.

"It's time for dinner."

"I'll just eat later." I mumble from under the covers.

"The hell you will. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. You haven't eaten dinner with us in almost a week." I don't say anything back hoping she will take that as her cue to leave. Moments later my covers are thrown back and I am being dragged from my bed and shuffled out of my room still dressed in my soccer clothes from this morning’s practice.

"Are you serious Kelley? You really haven't even changed?" I hear Ali state more than question. I just shrug as we make our way to the kitchen, my bare feet padding along the wooden floor. "Come on Kelley, I have to sleep in that bed with you." She complains as she pushes me down into my chair.

"Sorry." I mumble, not wanting to look up knowing I'll just meet their sad gazes.

"Look who decided to join us for dinner." Ali says as she takes her seat.

"Hey Kell." Christen smiles as she sits down across from me.

I give her a weak smile in return and reach for a roll to add to my plate.

"She was in her bed again." I hear Ali whisper a little while later to Christen.

"It's only been a week." Christen replies calmly.

"She hasn't even changed from her practice clothes." Ali groans before taking a bite of her salad.

"At least she's going to practice." Christen weighs.

"I'm right here guys." I say as I pick at the food on my plate. "I can hear you."

I ate because I knew I had to, not because I wanted to and mainly because my family would know if I wasn't taking care of myself. I wasn't in the mood to do much lately, other than completely immersing myself in soccer.

"Sorry Kell." they apologize simultaneously.

I have just enough time to take a sip of my water before Megan speaks up.

"Coach asked me about you after practice today."

"Is that so?" I say flatly.

"She wanted to know how you were holding up Kell."

"And what did you tell her."

"I told her you were doing better." I nod and go back to eating.

"Kelley," her eyes quickly survey my rather disheveled appearance. "You know its okay to talk about it."

"No." I say suddenly growing defensive, "It's really not."

"You can't keep doing this Kelley. You can't keep hiding away in your room and killing yourself out on the field." she says placing her hands roughly on the table. "It's not healthy."

I put a hand up to stop her. "Save it Pinoe." I didn't want to do this right now.

Suddenly Ali's phone goes off interrupting mine and Megan’s argument. She quickly looks at it before hitting ignore and turning it off.

"Who was that?" Christen asks when suddenly her phone starts going off as well and in much of the same manner, reacts as Ali did to the call.

Knowingly I turn to my right and no more than two seconds later does Megan's phone begins to ring.

"Who was it this time?" I ask but none of them seem to want to answer. "Seriously guys?"

"It was Ashlyn." Megan answers finally.

"Oh."

We eat in silence for a few minutes before I notice Megan shifting nervously in her seat beside before finding her voice again.

"She calls a couple times a day." Megan throws out. "Ashlyn I mean."

I feel my body tense up. "I know."

"She's sorry Kelley," she continues to push, "She was only doing what she thought was best."

"Of course she was." I say bitterly, "I haven't changed my mind if that's what you're thinking."

"Kelley." she said in merely a whisper, but her eyes and sudden change in demeanor spoke volumes.

I bit my lip to prevent it from trembling as I fought back the tears. "I'll talk to her when I'm ready Megan."

"Kell-" Megan starts but she is cut off when she receives a swift kick from Ali under the table. "Ow! What was that for?" she exclaims but Ali just glares at her.

Megan nods, "I'm sorry Kell. I shouldn't have said anything."

I've finally had enough, "Will you guys stop treating me like I'm not here. I'm not made of glass, I'm not going to break!" I yell as I abruptly stand up out of my chair.

"We are just trying to help Kelley." Ali tries to reason.

"I don't need to be helped Ali. I just need to be left alone!" I say growing angrier at the situation.

I turn to leave and Ali goes to get up from her chair but Christen puts a hand out to stop her. "Let her go." I hear her say as I retreat to my room and slam my door.

*

My eyes glimpsed the framed picture on my bed side, I picked it up and longed for those days again. It had been Alex's favorite, and I had to admit it was mine too. It had been taken at a Christmas party at my family home back in Georgia. We had been dating for a little over a year at the time and I'd managed to get her under the mistletoe with me. Alex's face burned red with a sheepish grin as she laughed and I was on the verge of leaning in to kiss her, a mischievous smile playing on my face. The picture had captured both of us perfectly in a way no other picture had done since. Maybe it was because it was taken so early in our relationship and it had been new and easy.

Taking a seat on the bed, I continue to stare at the picture, remembering that first year we were together and how lucky I had felt. I couldn't help but think, if only we could get back to that version of us. I knew it was impossible but a girl could wish. I replay my last conversation with Alex again, sometimes it feels like it’s on auto play. I have memorized every damn detail about the way she broke my heart.

The first few days I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe, my body desperately ached, and my Irish temper reared its ugly head more often than not. I don't mean to explode on them all the time, I know they are just trying to help but I'm constantly on edge. It's not me, it's not who I am or how I act but I have never felt loss like this before yet alone the betrayal, and truthfully I haven't been handling it very well. I felt like my life had turned into some big soap opera plot, it was all so surreal.

My phone goes off on the nightstand and I look over to see Ashlyn's face flashing on the screen. Picking it up I contemplate answering it but quickly change my mind and hit ignore. A few different times I have thought about changing my phone number so that people would stop calling. I've let my phone go to voicemail so many times that it's full. At first I had even ignored my family, but when my mother and Erin had started calling Ali instead, she'd threatened to tell them that I was getting thinner, paler, and not taking care of myself if I didn't start picking up their calls. Not wanting them to fly out here knowing I couldn't handle it, I began answering when they would call and doing my best to convince them I was okay. Of course they knew better, they had seen how much I loved Alex and knew how much what we had, had meant to me. At first they wanted to come out here, but all and all I knew they were just happy to finally hear my voice.

I'm brought out of my head by a knock on my door.

"Hey." Christen says as she pokes her head in.

"Hey." I give her a halfhearted smile and watch as she hesitates at the doorway. "You can come in." I say as I place the picture face down on the nightstand.

She makes her way in and sits down on my bed before punching me in the arm.

"What was that for?" I gawk as I rub the now sore spot just below my shoulder.

"So you can't say I'm not treating you like you're here." she grins playfully and I actually find myself laughing.

"Well now I'm wishing I could." My voice raspy as I joke with her.

"First you want it one way and then you want it another. I can't win O'Hara." she smiles and puts her arm around me.

"Thank you." I say as I lean into her side.

"For what?" She asks, her brow crinkled.

"For not treating me differently, for just being there," I cuddle into her and she tightens her grip around me. "For making me laugh." I add.

"That's what friends are for."

"Everyone else keeps pushing me," I let out a heavy sigh, "To get out of bed, to go to practice, to eat something, to talk about my feelings, to work things out with people that I'm not ready to do just yet. You're not. You're just there and you're just you. It means a lot, so thank you."

I can feel her smiling against my forehead, "You're welcome Kelley."

We stay like that for a while before she pulls away. "Hey Kell."

"Yeah Chris?" I look up.

"Not trying to be pushy, but a shower wouldn't be such a bad idea." she smiles down at me.

"That bad?"

"I could smell you at dinner." She winks at me.

"Ugh, fine." I groan getting up and making my way to my bathroom.

"Thank you." She calls out to me before I shut the door.

When I come back out I find that Christen is gone and Ali is now in my room changing my sheets.

"Really Ali?" I give her a look.

"If you really thought that me and George," she points to her stuffed gorilla that is sitting next to my stuffed squirrel, "were actually going to sleep in this bed after your sweaty soccer self had rolled all around in it then you're crazy."

"Who said I still wanted you to sleep with me?" I say trying my best to make her believe I am still mad.

"Oh give it up O'Hara." she tucks the end up the sheet in before turning back around to face me, "You still love me and you know it." She says as she pokes me in the chest before picking George up off the nightstand and getting into the bed.

"Am I the only one here that doesn't sleep with a stuffed animal?" Christen asks as she makes her way into my room now in her pajamas.

"Yes you are." Megan laughs as she strolls in behind her holding the stuffed animal turkey that Lori had gotten her and jumps on my bed.

"I stopped sleeping with stuffed animals when I was like ten." Christen laughs as she joins Megan and Ali. "You are all ridiculous."

"Sorry we can't all be as mature as you, Press." Ali says mocking the younger girl.

"It's a really good thing I have a king sized bed." I state once I've climbed in-between them.

"Mhm." Megan mumbles already falling asleep. "I'm sorry about earlier." She yawns, "I don't mean to make things harder for you. You know I love you, Kell."

"You were just trying to help." I say laying back on my pillow, "I know you have all been put in a really bad position with what’s happened and I'm sorry about that. I love you guys and even if I don't show it very well, I do appreciate everything you have done for me this past week." I say sincerely.

"You'd be lost without me, O'Hara, we both know that." Ali grins as she pokes me in the chest again before rolling over. "I love you too." she adds.

"Don't worry about us. We're all here for you, Kelley." Christen says before she closes her eyes and I smile as I feel her intertwine our fingers.

Soon enough I let myself drift off to sleep in the arms of my friends as I have every night since we'd returned to Seattle.

*

The first thing that registered in my mind when I woke up was the sledgehammer pounding away inside my head unrelentingly. Lying perfectly still I tried to figure out what to do next.

Cautiously I attempt to open my eyes but as soon as the bright light hit them I let out a startled whimper and shut them tightly again. No, staying in bed was definitely a better plan.

Snuggling into my pillow I realized that I was waking up alone for the first time in almost two weeks. Sighing I roll over and barely register that my phone is ringing before I reach over and knock it onto the floor letting the machine pick up as I slip back into sleep.

It was almost an hour later when I wake up again this time to my alarm and I stumble out of bed and into my shower.

By the time I'd showered, dressed, and gotten my practice gear together, I was feeling a little more human. Catching sight of my phone on the floor I go over and pick it up noticing the missed call and voicemail from Ashlyn. Of course it had been Ashlyn. And I could guess what she had to say.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I play the message.

'Hey Kell... your mailbox isn't full anymore... I guess that means you got my other messages... anyway I just want to say I'm sorry again and that I miss you... I miss you a lot and so does Ali... I hope- ow! What was that for?' I hear whispering in the background. 'Sorry about that, we both hope you're holding up all right... hope you get back to us... love you Kelley.'

*

"Look who got out of bed and dressed all by herself today." Megan announced like a proud parent as we walked into the kitchen.

"They grow up so fast." Ali cooed as she smiled at her friend from across the room.

"Shut up." I groan as I make my way over to the island and lay my head down. "My head is killing me."

"I told you not to have so much last night Kell." Ali states her back to me as she fiddles around with the stove.

"You're one to talk." I grumble.

"She's right Ali, you and Kelley went hard." Megan pipes in.

"Obviously I have a better tolerance." Ali states as she turns around pointing the spatula at us. "Who wants breakfast?"

"Breakfast?" I instantly perk up.

"Yes."

"Pancakes?" I question further and she nods.

"With lots of butter and syrup." She winks at me and I can't help but smile at my friend as she goes to hand me a plate.

"Not so fast O'Hara." Christen swoops in out of nowhere and takes the plate before I can even get my hands on it. "You promised to do this cleanse with me." she reminds me as she hands what should have been my pancakes to Megan.

"We're starting that today?" I whine as watch Megan slowly pouring the syrup with a smirk on her face.

"Yes Kelley." she stares me down. "Hence why you gorged yourself on all that ice cream and candy you made me buy you last night. I'm actually shocked you're not sick from it all."

"Don't remind me." I pout and rub my temples.

"You promised Kelley."

"I seem to have forgotten."

"Sugar hangover." Megan interrupts.

"Hey you with the mouthful, I'd watch it." I say as I turn around and glare at her.

"Me? Whatever could you mean?" She feigned innocence.

"You know don't think I've forgotten that little prank you pulled last night." I feigned anger.

She laughed again, leaning back a bit, a grin covering her face. "I am a champion ice-cream eater, I have trophies hiding somewhere seriously."

"Do you have one for constantly stealing people’s food too?" I question.

"These," she motions to her plate, "were handed to me." she points out, "Don't poke the squirrel Press." she says nudging Christen and earning another glare from me.

"I am seriously about thirty seconds from calling Sarah on you." I threaten.

"No need for that!" Megan throws her hands up surrendering. "Minding my own business."

"Kelley."

"Yes Christen?" I smile innocently up at her.

"Are you going to do this with me or what?" she asks.

"I don't know Christen."

"Please. You already promised!" She gives me her puppy dog eyes.

"Fine. I concede." I grumble as Christen smiles and pulls me into a hug.

"Thank you, Kell." She whispers in my ear.

"Mhm." I mumble into her neck.

"Here you go guys." Ali laughs evilly as she hands us each some health shake concoction.

"I'm going to grab my bag." I say as I get up and head towards my room.

"Don't even bother looking for that bag of skittles you hid under your pillow!" Christen shouts to me as I make my way down the hallway.

"She didn't." I run to my room and throw my pillows around, "She did." Oh well, good thing I hid more under my mattress.

"I got the ones under there too." She grins widely at me from my door as I search desperately.

"You suck."

"Love you too Kell." She walks over and hands me my shake, "Drink up!"

*

“Well, well, I’m impressed Miss O'Hara on time, early even. Congratulations.” Laura said jokingly.

“Yeah, I thought I’d try it once. You know, see how it worked for me.” I replied with a fake smile at my coach.

"Practice is in thirty." she says as she walks away, "I'm glad to see you're getting back to your old self."

Once alone, I put my head phones on, hit the Glee soundtrack, and began putting my soccer gear on. I was in the midst of trying to decide whether or not I should put sun block on when a voice interrupted my train of thought.

"You know if you keep thinking so hard over there you might actually grow a brain." Hope smirks.

"What?"

“Your brow is furrowed and you have that squinty look in your eye." She points out, "That's your thinking face."

I blush, "Just trying to decide if I need sun block or not."

"Irish girl problems." She jokes.

"You could say that." I smile half-heartedly as she gives me a smile too.

"How are things back on the home front?" Hope asks as she opens her locker.

"Fine." I answer coolly before leaning over and lacing up my cleats.

"Just fine?" She pushes.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

After an uncomfortable pause that seemed to last forever, I tried to break the silence.

“So, I heard there might be two more teams buying into the league.” I say in a feeble attempt to change the subject.

I stand up and eye her as she grabs her gloves and shuts her locker door before turning around to face me.

"Since when did we switch roles?"

"What do you mean?"

"You standing there, pretending to be fine when you're really not." She deadpans.

"Oh."

"You know I'm not good at this sort of thing so please don't make me have to force it out of you."

I wondered if that statement frightened me more than comforted me.

“There's nothing to talk about Hope." I tell her as I turn around and pretend to busy myself with something in my locker.

“You really think I don't know you better than that?” Hope asked, although she already knew the answer.

I let out a small breath and then turn around. My face is almost completely devoid of emotion, and my eyes are no longer shining with the same liveliness they once had.

I cross my arms not in an angry fashion.

"Hope..." I pause, unsure of what to say. “I’d really rather not discuss it.”

"Why is that?"

I turn my head away from her, but she steps closer.

A lump forms in my throat and I clench my hands into fists at my side. "Is that a serious question?"

Where did that come from? Hope's eyes widen slightly and even I'm surprised by the anger in my voice.

“Okay, tell me how you really feel. Don’t hold back.” Hope says jokingly.

"I'm sorry." I feel my face relax and I shamefully look down. "I didn't mean to snap like that."

Time heals all wounds.

The familiar cliché repeated itself in my head constantly but provided no comfort, because it provided no truth. Time had not taken my pain away. The last two weeks hadn’t even touched the pain I felt.

"Look Kelley, I know I’m the last person that should be giving you advice, but you have always been there for me.” She stuffs her gloves under her arm looks directly at me, “It’s easier to not talk about it because then you can pretend it isn't there. I get that, but that doesn’t mean you that don’t need to talk about it.”

I've always felt a kind of connection with Hope.

“Are you my friend or my therapist?”

She grins, “Whatever you need me to be.” This causes me to laugh a little.

“I don't know how to talk about it.” I let out a huff as my back connects with the lockers behind me, “It's easier to not talk about it. It hurts too much. Maybe that makes me a coward maybe that just makes me someone with hard-earned common sense. Either way, I think I’m okay with being a coward. Cowards don’t get hurt like brave people who take risks and put themselves out there do. So if you don't mind, I'd like to be a coward a little while longer okay.”

“If there's anything you've taught me, it's that it's okay to be afraid sometimes Kelley. Just don’t let it run your life."

I almost laugh as she throws my own words back at me. "Try telling that to my roommates.”

"Have you?" She asks bluntly.

I go to say something but stop once I realize I haven’t. I haven’t really talked to them at all about this.

"They’re your friends Kelley, your best friends. Try opening up to them.”

"They just want me to be okay so badly." My voice rushed as I speak. "I feel like I am letting them down."

"You will be ready on your own terms, not just because someone else wants you to be." she places a hand on my shoulder, "The great thing about friends is that they accept you for who you are. Kelley they only want what's best for you. Talk to them."

I close my eyes and then take a deep breath.

"Do you-," I pause and although my voice has gained back some strength I can't shake the insecurity I feel.

I open my eyes and stare into hers. "What do you think of me?"

"Huh?" I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Tell me what you think of me."

"You mean as a person?" I nod.

She lifts up her head. "Well, I guess you're not half bad."

"I’m serious Hope!" I glare at her.

"Kelley, what does this have to do with anything?" she asks.

I let out a sigh. "Everyone probably thinks I'm a joke.” I reply, with slight resolve.

"Is that really what you think of yourself?" She looks at me pointedly.

I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. I don't know what to say. It's quiet for several long moments and I consider suggesting we head out to the field.

"I think you're amazing."

"You do? She nods.

"You will do anything for just about anyone even if a lot of people take that for granted." She pauses and shifts her feet standing up straighter now. "Sometimes you act like you're so self-assured, yet you won't even take credit for your own talents. You act like it's no big deal when you do really amazing things. You try harder than anyone I know. You're brilliant, talented, kind, a complete five year old.” I hear her chuckle, not cruelly, but softly and with amusement.

I look at her intently not even sure if I'm blinking. She sighs, her shoulders relaxing.

"You always see the best in others, even people like me. You’re a great person and a great friend. You have a big heart and you love more about life and people than anyone else I know. But most importantly, you’re incredibly brave and strong. Stronger than you think and you’re going to make it through this because you have such a big and strong heart. You’re something special O’Hara, don’t sell yourself short.” She says softly, and with such compassion that I practically bolt forward when I go to wrap her in a hug.

“Thank you.” I mumble into her chest and I feel her tense up then relax.

“You’re welcome.” I can tell she’s smiling, “Don’t ever change Kelley.”

I’m about to say something back when my phone suddenly starts going off in my sweatshirt pocket.

“Are you going to answer that?”

“No.” she gives me a questioning look, “They won't stop calling.”

"Who?" She asks out of concern.

"Everyone." I state solemnly, "I've thought about changing my number more than once these last two weeks."

"That bad huh?" I nod, “Give it to me.”

“I don’t know-“

“Just hand it over Kelley.” I comply and watch as Hope swipes the green answer button and lifts the phone up to her ear, “Hello?”

“Kelley.” I haven’t heard that voice since the night in the hotel when she helped tear my world apart.

“No," Hope goes over to the bench and picks up her bag, "Tobin,” She shuts her locker. “It's Hope, listen I am the last person who ever wants to get involved in anyone else’s business but you have to stop calling her.”

“I have to talk to her Hope.” I can hear the desperation in my ex best friends voice.  
Hope sighs and covers the phone with her hand, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to her?”

My heart stops. “I’m sure.” I mumble as I fight with my emotions.

“Tobin, she had me answer because she wants you to stop with the calls. I understand that you want to talk to her because of how things were left but you have to understand that right now this is not something you can fix.”

“I need her.” Tobin’s voice cracks through the other line.

“You should’ve thought about that before.” Hope says calmly.

“I tried I-”

Hope sighs and cuts her off, “Tobin, as hard as this is to hear you need to hear it. For now this is what's best for Kelley and you have to respect that.” There’s a long pause before Hope speaks up again, “Look, we have practice so I have to go, take care of yourself.”

“Thank you.” I say as she hands me back my phone.

“Just trying to make myself useful.” She smiles, “Oh by the way, I wanted you to have this.” She says as she pulls something out of her bag.

“A breakfast sandwich?” I laugh.

“Yeah, Megan told me Press had you on another one of her crazy cleanses.” She laughs, “Thought you might appreciate that.”

“Thank you.” I smile up at her.

“Might want to eat that before she sees you with it.” She adds before heading out to the field.

*

The beach is packed as the sun is slowly setting in the horizon painting the sky shades of pink, orange, and purple. We sit facing the waves with our knees drawn up and arms wrapped around them. Absently mindedly, I wiggle my toes in the sand.

“I’m glad you came out with us.” Ali says next to me.

“Me too.” I turn and smile at her.

“I’ve missed you.”

“You see me every day.” I laugh. A cool night breeze blows by.

“You know what I mean.” She playfully shoves me. “It’s nice to be getting the old you back.”

“I’m sorry.” I say honestly.

“Kelley, you really don’t need to apologize.”

“I do though, you have been nothing but supportive of me these last few weeks and all I’ve done is yell and push you away.” I frown as I look out into the night sky.

“You’re hurting Kelley, none of us are holding anything against you.” Ali reassures me as she wraps an arm around my shoulder, “What kind of friends would we be if didn’t understand that?”

“I’m really lucky to have you guys.”

“That you are.” Comes a voice from behind us, “Food and drinks have arrived!” Megan huffs out as she drops the cooler next to the blanket we are sitting on, “You’re welcome by the way.”

“Stop your whining Rapinoe.” Jessica Fishlock says as she joins us holding a bag of Doritos and a Frisbee, Kaylyn Kyle trailing behind.

“You could have helped carry something.” She grumbles.

“I did.” Jess lifts up the Doritos and Frisbee.

“This better be worth missing Shark Week for.” Kaylyn complains as sidles up next to Megan and Jess.

“Not you too.” Jess mutters under her breathe.

“I heard that.” Kaylyn glares at her teammate.

“From what I hear, they’re pretty sweet.” Ali informs us as she reaches for the bag of Doritos that Jess is holding.

“Not so fast Kiwi.”

“Just give me some.” Ali grumbles and Jess gives her a look, “Fine. May I please have some?”

“That’s better.” She laughs and hands the bag over.

“Sorry we’re late, Christine and Keelin took forever.” Christen says as the three make their way over to our group.

“Hey Chris.” I smile up at her.

“Hey.” Christen smiles back brightly as she plops down next to me and hands me a beer. “What have you two been up to all day?” she asks gesturing between Ali and me.

“We did a little shopping, watched a movie, and to finish the day we scored some drugs. You really missed out." Ali said with a laugh. She laughed even harder when I just glared at her.

"Ignore her." I say as I hit Ali on the arm.

“Where’s Hope?” Megan asked as she looked around for the keeper.

“She text me earlier.” I say as I turn around, “Something about her chickens getting out said she’d be late.”

“Well then she’s going to miss out.”

“What are you talking about Megan?” Christen asks.

“These.” Megan whispers as she pulls a firecracker out of her bag.

“Dude those are so illegal!” Christen whisper-yells.

“Where did you even get those?” I laugh as Megan quickly hides it away in her bag.

“Let’s just say I have connections.” She smiled leaning back on the cooler.

“You’re crazy.” Jess states as she shakes her head at her friend.

“You have to be careful with those things,” I warn, “One time Ashlyn and I-” I stop midsentence. “Never mind, just be careful okay.”

“No.” Megan pushes, “One time you and Ashlyn?”

Knowing she wouldn’t give in I relent and share the story, “One 4th of July Ashlyn invited me and Alex to Florida. Well we went down to the beach with her brother and some of their friends and she was going to shoot fireworks out of the back of her brother’s truck. The stand that the fireworks were on fell over and the fireworks shot through the back window. Luckily everyone was okay, but his truck wasn’t.”

“Damn.” Megan laughs, “Chris must have been pissed.”

“Actually he cried and hugged Ashlyn. He was so happy that she hadn’t gotten hurt that the truck really didn’t matter to him.” I smile at the memory.

Megan smiled wide, “He’s a good guy.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll be careful.” She winks at me before jumping up and grabbing the Frisbee from Jess’s hand. “Ultimate Frisbee anyone?”

For the next half hour or so we laugh and mess around on the beach annoying everyone around us before settling down on the blankets we’d brought and watching the fireworks in a dance of colors as they light up the night sky.

“They’re beautiful.” I say as I turn to Christen.

“Yeah they are.” She says leaning into me and I wrap my arm around her pulling her in closer to my side.

 

*

My mind feels cloudy and heavy not realizing how much I had drank earlier until now on the ride home. Tonight was a night for me to be free, to enjoy myself for once since this whole mess.

“Turn up this song.” I slur as I roll my window down and stick my head out.

“Kelley what are you doing?” Ali laughs hysterically as I start to belt out to the Miley Cyrus song from last summer, out the window at people walking by.

“I think this song is about drugs we should probably tell her mom.”

“Oh yeah Kell we will get right on that.”

“Hey you, want to party like Miley Cyrus with me but without the drugs?” I yell at some boys on the street, “We can get turned up.”

“Kell.” Hope says laughing inside the car. “You’re making a fool of yourself.”

“I don’t even know what turned up means like I know what turned on means.” I clarify logically, “Oh man I haven’t been turned on in a long time I’m like a nun.”

“Oh my god Kelley what are you talking about?” Christen laughs when I make eye contact with her. It may just be me but her eyes look glazed over like mine.

“Hey when did you get drunk without me Chris?”

“I didn’t Kelley I got drunk with you just not as much as you did.”

“Where was I?” I question wondering what I’ve been doing all night. “Anyways I can’t be like Miley Cyrus anymore because my sex life is nonexistent just like your shirt.” I yell at a girl with a very low cut shit who is walking with a boy.

“Kelley stop yelling at people!” Hope hisses at me.

“No let her it’s entertaining.” Megan laughs.

“I mean I guess I can be like Miley but the Hannah Montana version of her, but I refuse to wear a wig.” I say looking inside the window at everyone. “I refuse.”

“No worries Kell we won’t make you wear a wig.” Megan reassures me.

“Kell stop dangling out the window.”

“There's always gonna be another mountain  
I'm always gonna wanna make it move  
Always gonna be an uphill battle  
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose  
Ain't about how fast I get there  
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side  
It's the climb” I begin to sing at the top of my lungs remembering Miley sang this when she was just an innocent girl.

“Shut up!” A man yells on the curbs stopping me as I belt out the last word.

“Rude.” I pout as I pull my head back into the window. Everyone laughs at me hysterically for the rest of the ride home.

“Thanks for the ride Hope.” Christen says as Hope cars and she gets out of the car.

“Are you guys going to be able to handle this one?” She asks nodding my way as Ali opens my door.

“Yeah we got this.” Ali answers, “Come on Kell time to go to bed.”

“Hope?” I look at her with sad eyes.

“What are you looking at me for?” She laughs and I frown.

“Tell them I can stay out a little bit longer!” I plead.

“That’s not up to me.” She grins and reaches back to pat my head. “Go to bed little squirrel.”

“If I had known a few drinks would get her out of her room I’d have done this weeks ago.” Megan jokes.

“Shut up Pinoe.” I grumble as I scoot across the seat and out of her car. “Christen.” I hold my arms out.

“That’s a joke right?”

“Please?” I pout and give her my best puppy dog eyes.

“Fine get on my back.”

“Ah yeah I must be a princess and your my valiant steed bringing me to my chambers.” I shout as Christen lifts me up and carry’s me into the house.

“I’ll bring you to the dungeon if you call me a horse again.” Christen mumbles as she carries me into the living room.

“There.” She laughs as she goes to drop me on the couch but I pull her down with me. “Umph.” She groans as she lands on top of me. “Kelley!” She reprimands me.

“Sorry.” I mumble.

“It’s a good thing I like you.”

“You love me.” I smile up at her and she smiles back. “I had fun tonight.”

“Good I’m glad.”

I lean against her, resting my head on her shoulder, and she wraps her arms around me in a warm embrace. We sit there, just enjoying the quiet, and each other.

Suddenly I hear my name being called.

“What’s that?” I jump up.

“You’re phone genius.” Christen laughs as she points to my phone lying on the ground.

“Shut up.” I blush, “Need I remind you I beat you in who is the smartest Stanford grad?”

“That’s not fair. They asked you how old you were!”

“Bottom of the barrel Press, bottom of the barrel.”

“Whatever.” She laughs lightheartedly, “You might want to pick up your phone.”

“Oh yeah” I laugh and bend over to pick my phone up, “Shit.”

“What?”

“It’s Ashlyn. I accidently called Ashlyn!” I whisper and Christens eyes get big.

I hesitate before speaking. “Hello?”

“Kelley are you okay?” A rushed and worried Ashlyn asks.

“Yeah why wouldn’t I be?”

“Good, good.” Comes a relieved voice from the other line, “Well for one you’re calling me at 3 am and then you weren’t saying anything.” She replies. “I was worried.” She sighs over the phone.

“I must have pocket dialed you. I’m sorry, didn’t mean to worry you.” I say not realizing why I’m apologizing to someone I’m supposed to be mad at.

“No, go back to sleep Ali she’s fine.” I hear Ashlyn trying to calm a worried Ali, “Sorry, Ali was freaking out.”

“I’m sorry for waking you guys up.” Apologizing again? Why?

“It’s fine, really.” She’s quiet for a moment, “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, you too.” I’m really hungry right now I think to myself.

“Kelley… I’m so sorry-“

“Stop just stop.” I say, “It doesn’t matter anymore. I forgive you and all that good stuff you want to hear.”

“Since when?”

“Somewhere around five or ten beers ago?”

“Are you drunk Kelley?” concern evident in her voice.

“I don’t know. Hey Press am I drunk?” I ask and Christen just shakes her head unapprovingly at me.

“Give me the phone Kelley.”

“No I’m talking to my good friend Ashlyn.”

“Kelley you’re going to regret this in the morning.” She warns me.

“I’m a big girl Christen I think I can handle this.”

“Whatever you say.” She surrenders and sits back on the couch.

“As I was saying Ashlyn, how are you?”

“Kelley stop.” She says exhaustedly, “Don’t act like everything is okay between us when it’s not.” Ashlyn sighs loudly. “Because it’s not.”

“And you get to decide that for me too?”

“Kelley, I think we should talk about this another time.” Ashlyn says timidly over the phone. “Preferably when you haven’t been drinking.”

“You know that’s a great idea.” I say my mind foggy, “Why don’t you and Ali come out here?”

“Kelley.”

“Ashlyn.” I laugh.

“You’re drunk.” She states.

We sit there in silence until I finally decide to speak. I am extremely drunk but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Stop calling Ashlyn. If you really want to talk then come see me.” And with that I click the red end button.

“Kelley.” I roll my head to face her, my eyes fluttering closed as I feel sleep taking over me. “You do realize that you just told Ashlyn to come out here right?”

"I think I need to go to bed." I whispered.

"I think you do too." She got up from the couch. "Come on Kell." She crouched down in front of me and offered me a ride. I flopped myself onto her back and rested my head on her shoulder as she picked me up and carried me to my room. “Goodnight Kelley.” She whispers as she lays me down in the bed.

“Goodnight Chris.” I mumble.

I was asleep before she even left the room.

*

I wake up in bed and I turn over to find Christen standing over me.

I roll back over, pulling the blanket over my head, trying to block out the light coming in through the window.

“Go away.” I grumble.

I manage to crack my eyes open slightly and settle my gaze on Christen as she stares at me. She looks far better than I feel.

"Good afternoon, Sleepyhead."

“Afternoon?” I raise myself up onto my elbow. “What time is it?”

“Almost one o’clock.” She replies as she plops down on my bed. “How are you feeling?”

My head is pounding. “I feel like hell.” I admit to her, “I haven’t drank like that since college.”

“The good ole days.” Christen laughs.

I can't help but chuckle. "How much did I have to drink last night?" I ask her.

Christen climbs in next to me. "I don’t know Kell." She laughs as she pulls the comforter up and over her shoulders. “It was a lot though.”

“Never again.”

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you drink so much."

“I should know better.” Obviously I don’t I think to myself. “I know when to stop.”

Christen doesn't say a word and we just lay there for a bit.

"Do you remember much from last night?” She asks me breaking the silence that had settled over us.

I shake my head. "I don't remember how I got into bed, I don't remember how many beers I had, and I do however recall kicking everyone’s ass at Ultimate Frisbee." I grin cockily. “Why though? Did I do something?” I suddenly feel panic creep in, “Please tell me I didn’t do anything stupid Chris.”

Christen smiles at me and shakes her head. "I guess it depends on how you view it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well you uh have some visitors.”

“Who? Please tell me it’s not Erin or my mother.” She shakes her head and I sigh in relief before suddenly, it comes back to me. "Wait," I manage to get out. "I talked to Ashlyn." She nods. “No!” My hand flies up to head in disbelief, “They’re not.”

“They are.” Christen laughs, “They’re actually in the kitchen with Pinoe right now.”

“Holy hell.” I mumble to myself, “I didn’t think they’d actually get on a plane and fly six hours to come see me.”

“Never underestimate a determined Ashlyn Harris.”

“How long have they been here?”

“Only a few minutes.”

“Fuck.” I throw back the sheets and slide to the edge of the bed.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah.” I sigh exasperatedly, “I just need to get ready. Can you tell them I’ll be out in a bit.”

“Of course.” She gets out of the bed and begins making her way out before stopping at my door, “You know I’m always here for you.”

“I know Chris.” I smile at her, “Thank you.”

She smiles back and nods before quietly closing the door behind her and vanishing into the kitchen with everyone else. I let myself fall back onto my bed before rolling over and pulling my pillow over my head. My whole body aches, my muscles feel tight like after a hard work out, and now I have to go face Ashlyn.

I'm never drinking again.

*

When I walk out of my room I can hear all the commotion coming from the kitchen. As I walk in I see Christen and Ali Riley making sandwiches while Ashlyn chases Megan who’s laughing hysterically around the island yelling something about milk. Looking over at the table I see an amused Kriegs just sitting there watching it all unfold.

I stand there just watching my friends for a few moments before Christen finally looks up and smiles, “Hey Kell.”

At that Megan stops dead in her tracks, causing Ashlyn to crash straight into her. The both of them tumble into a heap on the floor right at my feet.

“What the hell Megan!” Ashlyn exclaims rubbing her head. "You're such a klutz."

"I am the epitome of grace and coordination thank you very much.” Megan defends herself, “Unlike you, you big oaf. You're like a bull in a china shop."

"And you're full of bull. I seem to remember having to catch a certain 'graceful and coordinated' blonde once because she slipped and fell out of a tree."

Megan opened her mouth to reply, but I cut her off with a chuckle, "If you two are going to keep bickering like a married couple, can you at least move out of the way."

“Hey Kelley.” Megan smiles up at me from the floor.

“Kelley.” Ashlyn quickly scrambles up off the floor, face red with embarrassment.

“Hey Ash.” I say only keeping eye contact for a few seconds.

“So.” Megan says dramatically making the tension in the room worse.

I look up raising my eyebrow. "So what are you doing here?" I finally ask.

"What do you mean 'What am I doing here?' You told me if I wanted to talk to you I had to come see you. So here I am seeing you."

“I can’t believe you actually came.”

“You underestimate me, O’Hara.”

“I guess so.” I lean back against the counter. “How’d you get a flight out so quickly?”

“Got lucky I guess.” Ashlyn answers.

“She brought Ali along as her bodyguard.” Megan pipes in.

“Shut up Rapinoe.” Ashlyn gives her a death glare.

“What would she do?” Ali burst out laughing.

“Hey I take offense to that.” Krieger speaks up. “I can handle myself.”

“I know you can babe.” Ashlyn laughs as she walks over and kisses her girlfriend on the head. “That’s why I brought you along, extra protection.” She winks at her.

“Hey.” Ali glares at Ashlyn.

“And because I love you?” She tries.

“You two are sickly sweet.” I say not really ready for the affection, “If I have to listen to this for any longer, I think I'll go crazy so let’s go for a walk?” I direct my question at Ashlyn.

Ali clears her throat nodding, playfully shoving Ashlyn away from her.

“Sounds good.”

“I have to put my laundry in.”

“Just go, I’ll take care of it.” Christen says as she bites into her sandwich

“Thank you” I say as I wrap my arms around her shoulders squeezing her as tightly as I can manage. "You’re welcome." She says with a bright smile.

"And they’re sickly sweet? I may actually throw up." Megan jokes speaking in a super cheerful tone.

“Yeah guys, get a room, I thought you had better manners than that.” Ali Riley teased tossing her head back in laughter.

“Hardy har-har, you’re both such comedians.” I roll my eyes but couldn't fully hide my smile.

Christen, however, was laughing softly at the three of us. "Hold up, I have something for you guys."

“It’s like seeing a little kid on her birthday or something.” Megan comments on my excited facial expression which earns Megan another hit from Ali Krieger, “Ow! Seriously that hurt Ali. You better be careful Kell, she’s stronger than she looks.”

I shake my head at my friend. “What is it?” I ask Christen.

Christen smiles as she hands me two paper bags. "It's just some sandwiches and stuff like that." she shrugs.

I took the bags at once and smiled a little. "Thank you."

“Yeah thank you.” Ashlyn grins as she grabs a bag from my hands.

Christen laughs a little and nodded. "You're both welcome.” She looks directly at me, “I slipped a couple of donuts in there as well.”

I open the bag to check the contents, and then look back up at Christen. "You know me so well.” I laugh grateful for the gesture.

"I'll give you a call when we get wherever we’re going," Ashlyn says to Ali. "And if you need anything at all, just call. Okay?"

"Of course," Ali smiles widely, “You two have fun.” She leans up and kisses Ashlyn briefly.

“I promise to bring her back unharmed.” I say as we head for the door.

*

Ashlyn stuffs her hands in her jean pockets as we walk down the sidewalk, “So.”

“So what do you want to talk about Ashlyn.” I say getting to the point.

“About everything…” Ashlyn begins. “I just want you to understand where Ali and I fall into this whole mess that’s happened.”

“So help me understand because honestly I don’t.” I say feeling my frustration, “I don’t want to be mad at you Ashlyn.”

“At the time I felt like I was protecting you and I just never wanted to see you get hurt.” She starts to reason almost to herself rather than me. “I found out, not even knowing how to process it myself, let alone tell you. I guess I just hoped that they would tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But I am hurt Ashlyn.”

“I know you are because you think I was helping them keep a lie but I need you to know that isn’t the case. I was put in a situation where I have three of my best friends and if I choose one option I hurt someone or if I choose the other option I hurt someone else.”

“When did you find out?” I ask trying to process what she’s saying.

“The first time I found out was in Canada last year the morning after we all went out. I saw Tobin in the breakfast line and made a comment which she reacted to it. I had pieced it together then and it wasn’t hard knowing it was true by the way she responded, I walked out in my mind knowing I had to tell you but the thought of hurting you was unbearable.” She laughs humorlessly, “I guess I was just hoping it had been a one-time thing. A mistake you know? They had been drinking and I know that’s no excuse, I know that, but they’re my friends too and I just didn’t feel like it was really my place. I didn’t tell you because I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen again. I didn’t want to you get hurt if you didn’t have to.” She rambles off so fast I can barely understand her. “I’m so sorry Kelley.” She says the guilt weighing heavy on her.

“Then what Ashlyn? We’re here a year later and it wasn’t just a one-time thing but you still knew they had been sleeping together.”

“I don’t know I tried talking to both of them to get them to tell you. Tobin wanted to she was the reason I found out it wasn’t just a one-time thing anymore but Alex was holding back for reasons I’m sure you already know. I guess I just got so caught up in trying to have them do the right thing that I lost sight that I could do the right thing too. Honestly I just didn’t know what the right thing was. Now if I could go back I would and I would’ve told you the second I found out because our friendship is more important than a fucking lie.”

“I know you thought what you were doing was right but I’m the one who still got hurt.”

“I know Kell and I’m so sorry that happened.”

“I’m tired of being mad at you Ashlyn because despite what happened you are one of my best friends and I need you.”

“I’m here Kelley and Ali is too.” She sits down on the beach looking into her bag, “I told Ali that day about the one-time thing and later on when Tobin had called me for advice. I shouldn’t have dragged her into this and asked her to keep it to herself. She didn’t want to hurt you just like I didn’t.”

“I would’ve been hurt either way.” I reason, “Whether you told me right away or a long time from now I still would’ve been hurt so it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to hold anger against the people who were just stuck in the cross fire.”

“I’m still sorry for keeping things from you.” She says sadly.

“Don’t worry about Ashlyn.” I say with a mouth full of donut, “Really. You were just doing what you thought was best.”

“Obviously it wasn’t for the best.” She looks down at her sandwich. “You have every right to be upset with me, Kelley.”

“Can we just move past it Ashlyn?” I sigh and place my donut down.

"Are you really not upset with me?" She treads cautiously.

"Nah.” I grin stupidly at her, “I miss my koala bear too much.”

*

The talk with Ashlyn helped ease some of the ache inside of me and I felt relieved to have her back in my life again. All I wanted to do now was go inside and hang out with my friends. When I open the door the lights throughout the house are all off, candles are lit everywhere, and a super strong smell enters my nostrils causing me to cough from the powerful odor.

“What the hell is going on?” Ashlyn asks covering her nose.

“I don’t know.” I respond walking into the house and trying to follow the smell.

I can hear voices the closer I get to my bedroom.

“Is that Megan?” Ashlyn asks her brow furrowed in confusion.

“It sounds like it.” I listen closer, “Is she chanting in there?” I ask and Ashlyn just shrugs her shoulders.

When I open my door I can’t help but let out a laugh at the events occurring in my bedroom.

“What the hell.”

Megan is standing there dressed in a huge Indian headdress, wearing an ugly brown poncho with red face paint on. She was holding what smells like a smoking bundle of sage in one hand and a feather in the other. Ali and Kriegs who were both with her had headbands with feathers sticking out as well, they were also covered in red paint.

“What are you guys doing? Ashlyn asks clearly amused.

“Smudging.” Megan replies.

“What?” I laugh.

“We’re cleansing the house.” Megan says calmly.

She comes over to me, bows, and then starts shaking the cleansing stick around me causing intense coughs from Ashlyn and I.

“Dude easy with that thing.” Ashlyn argues through coughs.

“I think we need to move to the following stages of the cleansing.” Megan says to Ali and Kriegs who both nod in understanding.

“Oh God.” I groan knowing whatever they have planned is anything but what I want to be doing.

*

An hour later Megan has me sitting on a chair in the middle of the dining room. They removed all the furniture in it so I was sitting on the only chair in the room.

Ashlyn had been given a feather headband, her girlfriend had graciously painted symbols on her, and she was now ready to join Megan’s cleansing ritual. I sat there with a child’s swimming mask on to prevent the smoke from getting in my eyes. Christen sat at the island in the kitchen, drinking wine, as she watched Megan and the others make fools of themselves.

“Are you serious?” I ask her as she hands me the bowl.

“Oh she’s dead serious.” Christen ridicules as Megan glares at her.

“You’re killing the positive energy here Press.” Megan grumbles.

“Sorry.” Christen puts her hands up.

Megan had made her pour wine into a wooden bowl to give to me and Christen had used this opportunity to drink what was left over.

“Remember, clockwise guys.” She says and they all nod.

Megan begins chanting to the music that starts to play and the other girls start following her lead. They all looked completely ridiculous dancing around me and chanting to words that they didn’t even know existed.

“What is going on?” I hear Hope say before I see her through the thick cloud around my face.

“Please won’t you join us in this spiritual cleansing?” Christen says monotone as she takes another drink from her wine glass.

Hope walks past Christen and into the dining room to really embrace everything that was going on.

“What are you guys doing?” She asks again.

“Were cleansing the house and my soul of any negative energy.” I say with a nasally voice, “Please drink from the blood of our dead sisters so we can be one.” I say holding up the wooden bowl with wine in it mimicking what Megan had told me earlier.

“No thanks.” Hope eyes me suspiciously, “Listen there is someone here to see you.”

Everyone stops dancing then, the music dims, and everyone turns towards the kitchen entrance to see a very confused Cheney. She looks apprehensive but holds her ground as she smiles at all of us.

“Is this a bad time?” Lauren jokes nervously. “I can come back later if you want.”

“Did I call you too?” I ask her as I get up and make my way over to her.

“Uh no?” Lauren states confused again, “I came because you weren’t answering my calls and I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” She stuffs her hands in her hoodie looking down, “And to explain and apologize to you.” She adds.

“Lauren.”

“No Kelley I really need to apologize to you for everything that’s happened. I just-its just- she’s my best friend and-”

“Chen you do not need to say anything okay?” I stare at her intently, “I am not mad at you and I know you did what you thought you had to and that’s fine. Like I told Ashlyn earlier, I was hurting and taking it out on people that didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry for worrying you and not answering your calls, I just wasn’t ready to face everyone…everything.” I put my hands on her shoulders. “I don’t want to fight or hold anything against anyone that doesn’t deserve it.”

“I told you it would work.” I hear Megan murmur to the other girls standing beside her.

“I’ve missed you Kell.” Lauren says smiling at me.

“I’ve missed you.” I hug her, “Want to join in on this craziness?”

“Here I was worrying about you and then I come in to this nonsense?” She laughs staring at the four girls painted.

“It was either this or an exorcism.” Megan points out as she bends her hip outward, holds her hand in the air, and gives her best ‘don’t mess with me face’. Ali, Kriegs, and Ashlyn all copy her causing us all to burst out laughing.

“This is insane but I kind of like it.” Lauren laughs again. “Count me in where’s the paint?”

“I’m going to sit this one out with Christen.” Hope says pouring herself some wine. “Wait you’re drinking? Aren’t you on a cleanse of some sort?”

“That ended like a week ago.” Christen says finishing her glass.

Hope looks at me pointedly and I smile innocently before skipping up to her and kiss her cheek.

“I just really like your sandwiches.” I smile at her knowing if I scrunch my nose she will forgive me.

“You’re a shit.” She says before pouring Christen another glass.

Once Lauren is painted we continue the cleanse as I sit there embarrassed for my friends who are enjoying themselves as they dance and chant around me. After about another half hour of this everyone is getting tired and Megan’s sage bundle is too short for her to hold.

“Alright everyone silent.” Megan waves her hand over me, “How do you feel?”

“Uh the same?”

“She smells disgusting.” Hope doesn’t hesitate to point out anything.

“You know in high school when I broke up with my boyfriend my friends and I all got together and we burned pictures and things from our relationship.” Lauren suggests. “It was actually very therapeutic.”

“That is a wonderful idea.” Megan applauds Lauren for her idea, “So how does everyone feel about a good old fashion break up burning?”

Everyone looks at me expectantly.

“Why not?” I say and the room erupts in more excitement.

“We can do it at my house, we might as well just make a night of these shenanigans of yours. We can have a barbeque and use my fire pit in the backyard.” Hope offers to us and we all gladly accept.

“Alright sounds good, I’m just going to go shower.” I say getting up from the chair, “Ali, will you stay and help me find stuff to bring?”

“Yeah sure. I have to clean up as well anyway.” She replies while taking off her headband and feathers, “We will just meet the rest of you guys there?” She ask directing the question at the other girls.

While everyone else is discussing the plans for the night I slip away to the bathroom for some peace and quiet.

*

We’ve only been here for an hour but everyone is talking animatedly to each other trying to outdo everyone else’s volume.

Hope and Ashlyn are at the grill arguing over whose method of turning the food is better while everyone else is sitting in the lounge chairs, telling stories, and drinking wine. Ali and Christen are off trying to catch one of Hope’s chickens and Megan is hissing at Captain Sully, Hopes cat. The noise is crazy but it’s a good distraction seeing all of my friends acting like their usually crazy selves.

“You guys, that is not how you catch chickens!” Megan yells to Ali and Christen as they both try to dive for the chicken.

“Go show ‘em how it’s done then.” Lauren challenges Megan.

“Is that a challenge?” Megan asks.

“Sure is.” Lauren goads.

“Just you wait and see Holiday.” Megan finishes her wine. “I am a champion chicken catcher, I have trophies hiding somewhere seriously."

“She claims to have a lot of hidden trophies for things.” I mumble to Lauren who laughs.

“I heard that Kelley.” Megan cautions me, “Come here little chicken!” She calls out as she goes bounding off after the girls leaving Ali Krieger, Lauren, and I to chat.

“It’s really good to see you both outside of soccer.” Ali says happily.

“Yeah it’s always a nice break to hang out with friends outside of camps and games.” I agree.

“So what have you guys been up to?”

“Nothing really just been training with the team.” Ali says, “It’s amazing how much the team has turned around since last year.”

“Yeah between Lindsay and Ella you guys actually have an offense this season. What about you Chen?”

“Everything’s good, Jrue is doing well and soccer is fine.” She says discretely.

“That’s good.” I try not to let my question come. “So how’s everyone on the team?”

“They’re good.” Lauren says before continuing, “Is there anyone specific you’re asking about?”

“No just in general.”

“Well I guess you could say it’s been pretty bumpy, our midfield and forwards collide a bit on certain things, I guess they just can’t really seem to find a groove.” Lauren says nonchalantly but I know she’s referring to the two people I can’t help but be curious about. “I think the forwards have a lot of maturing to do.”

“Well I’m sure the midfields do as well.”

“Very true.” Lauren agrees. “Kell I have something for you.”

Lauren pulls out the old leather jacket that Alex bought me when we were together in college. I try not to show any emotion on my face as she hands it to me. I loved this jacket and the memories of Alex and I that are held within the fabric.

“Thanks.”

“She wanted you to have it back.” Lauren says cautiously.

“Who?” I asked afraid of the answer.

“Tobin.”

“Thanks.” I wanted to feel relieved but I don’t.

“Guys it’s time for dinner.” Ashlyn yells happily.

*

After dinner everyone gathers around the fit pit that Hope has and Ali Riley grabs the box with the pictures we had collected from my room.

“We are gathered here tonight to help Kelley rid herself of the painful memories of her former lover.” Megan proclaims to us.

“Do you really have to be so ceremonious about this?” I ask getting a few laughs out of everyone.

“Yes.” She states without hesitation before turning back to the fire, “Let us begin the ceremony.”

Ali begins handing me pictures one by one of Alex and I. Before throwing them into the flames I take a moment to look at each picture letting the memories of each one taken to come flooding back. Seven years together had left me with so many. Every picture that I throw into the fire is like tossing away a memory, anything good that was our relationship. It’s a bittersweet feeling, I know that Alex isn’t the girl I fell in love with anymore and that holding onto that part of her isn’t going to help me move on.

Ali goes to hand me another but stops short as she looks at picture.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I don’t know if you want to toss this one.” I look at the picture in Ali’s hand and I can feel the pain wrap around my heart, squeezing it tight. I put it in my jean pocket not wanting to destroy the memory of this one.

“Next one.” I surprise myself by the emotionless tone in my voice.

The picture in my back pocket stealing any relief I had previously felt and replacing it with an affliction inside of me.

“We now conclude the burning of the pictures. Will everyone stand, raising their glass, and lets all make a toast.” Megan says formerly. “To Kelley may you find someone who is loyal.”

“To Kelley may your happiness be restored.” Ali Krieger adds in smiling warmly at me.

“To Kelley may you find a permanent piggy back carrier.” Ali looks at me smiling.

“To Kelley may you find the hottest bitch.” Ashlyn jokes getting everyone to laugh.

“To Kelley may you find someone who always makes you smile.” Lauren chimes in.

“To Kelley may you never settle for anything less than you deserve.” Hopes eyes stare into mine with a spark to them like she knows a secret that I don’t.

“To Kelley may you find the love that’s worthy of your own.” Christen finishes with a warm glance and smile.

“Cheers.”

*

The night with the girls had left me feeling exhausted mentally and emotionally. Having everyone here had been so much fun and I’m especially glad to have made amends with my friends. However the burning pictures of Alex and I part of the night had left me feeling somewhere between exhilarated and heartache, but ultimately satisfied. I lift up the jacket Lauren brought to me up to my nose and inhale the scent of it. It smelled just like Alex, leaving me feeling dizzy and my chest tight.

I walk over to my closet door, moving aside clothes that are hanging in the way, and pull out the box I have labeled ‘Alex’. I open it revealing all of the contents I had recently put in it. I pick up the ring I always wear that Alex had gotten me for my birthday and play with it for moment before placing it back. Moving aside the bracelet she had engraved with our initials and numbers from the Olympics, I place the jacket inside of it, and then I pull the picture out of my back pocket.

Alex and I look so young, so innocent and carefree, so happy. I close my eyes as I sit back against my bed trying hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. Ali had known this picture was going to affect me because it’s really what started it all. This picture is from the day I knew Alex and I were going to be something incredible, it was our first date.

*

I stood in front of my full length mirror and studied my appearance, trying to decide if I looked good enough. The fact was I'd never tried so hard to look good on a date.

“You look fine Kelley.” Ali states from her place on my bed. “You just need to relax.”

“Are you sure?”

"She's going to be speechless, Kell, I promise." The older brunette girl smiled a reassuring smile at me.

Her positive comment was followed by a knock at the door, one that sent me into a flurry.

“Seriously you need to relax, it’s just Justin.” She laughs as walks to the door to open it.

After Alex and I had met that day at the game, I couldn’t say why exactly but everything just fell perfectly into place. Alex and I had been talking for a few months but just last week I had officially asked her on a date. The six hour difference between us had hindered us from doing this sooner, but we had a long weekend coming up and now she was on her way to spend it with me.

I've been psyching myself out for this for months but it's finally happening today.

I turn around as Ali’s boyfriend Justin walks in smiling widely at her and I can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy towards how happy they were together. Sure I had my flings here and there, but I hadn’t had anything serious with anyone since my last girlfriend in high school and that had ended promptly once I’d went away for college. Before Alex, I had been perfectly fine being single, the random college hookups taking care of my basic needs, but after Alex, I wanted what they had. The doting on each other, the lingering looks, the smiling for absolutely no reason, I wanted to feel that way towards someone again.

“Hey Justin.” I say to my friend causing him to turn his attention from Ali.

“Hey Kell,” He comes over and hugs me, “You clean up well.”

“I’d say the same about you.”

“Okay not one of you has commented on how I look.” Ali pouts.

“You look beautiful babe.” Justin compliments before pulling her into our embrace and kissing her on the head.

“Ew! I don’t want to be in the middle of this love fest.” I say squirming to break free.

“You know you like it Kell.” Justin winks at me as he pulls away earning a playful slap on the arm from Ali.

We only waited another five minutes before Alex finally arrived at my dorm.

I clear my throat, trying to sound natural. “Hey Alex.” The smile on my face growing bigger as I wrap my arms around her in a hug.

“Hey Kell.” Alex hugs me back but I spot the nervousness in her eyes. “You look really nice.” She compliments me.

“And you look like you just had a six hour drive.” I smirk trying to lighten the mood.

“Shut up Kelley.” Alex glowers at me, “You told me I wouldn’t have time to get ready when I got here. I swear at one point my hair was done, but long car rides put a damper on your looks.”

“You look great Lex.” I smile at her as I scan her over. Alex smiles back and her face flushes a light shade of red.

“Enough flirting ladies, let’s get moving.” Ali says excitedly. “We have dinner reservations!”

*

When we got to the restaurant, we were placed in a booth with Ali and Justin across from us.

“Can I start you off with some drinks tonight?” The waitress asks.

“Water.”

“Water please.”

“Same.”

“Me too.”

“Alright I will be right back with your drinks.” The waitress says as she walks away.

Alex is staring absentmindedly at the waitress as she walks away and I think she is lost in thought but then I see her bite her lip, it’s something she does when she’s nervous. I want her to be able to relax so I do it the only way I know how, embarrass her until she becomes comfortable with us.

“Are you seriously staring at her ass?” I say angrily.

“What?” Alex says caught off guard, “No I’m not.”

“Alex I just watched you stare at her ass the entire time she walked away.”

“Kell I wasn’t staring at her.” Alex says panicky.

“I didn’t ask you to come on this date just so you could stare at every other girl in this place.” I glare at her not letting my concentration break.

“If you want to discuss this outside we can.” Alex says pointedly. Alex hates arguing in front of people so the fact that Ali and Justin are here makes this ten times better.

“No I want to discuss it right here” I say stubbornly, “Why don’t we get the waitress and have a chat with her.”

“Go ahead.” Alex states which throws me a little off guard. Her jaw is clenched tightly as she narrows her stare at me.

“Kelley will you stop torturing the poor girl.” Ali laughs, “She just drove six hours for you.”

“Wait you’re joking?” Alex says looking back and forth between Ali and me.

“You should’ve seen your face.” I smile widely at her.

“You are such an ass Kelley.” Alex laughs along, “I thought you really caught me.”

“Wait you were staring at her ass?” I say taken back.

“Maybe.” Alex says with that smug look on her face.

“And I’m the ass.” I scoff.

“You are.” Alex smiles but finds my hand with hers under the table and intertwines our fingers.

The rest of dinner Alex slowly begins to loosen up and seeing her laughing along with all of us makes me so glad I asked her here this weekend. After a little arguing back and forth, Alex finally agrees for me to pay for dinner and we head out for our next activity.

“Where are we going?” Alex asks me as Justin starts to drive.

“It’s a surprise.” I reply simply not wanting to give away our plans.

Alex looks out the window as she fidgets with her fingers and I find it adorable how she gets nervous. I reach over grabbing her hand and pull it into my lap as I look out my own window. When I turn back Alex is staring at me, smiling at me with the biggest grin.

*

“I am so pumped for this.” Ali bounces up and down in her gear, holding her gun.

“I can’t believe you are taking me paintballing.” Alex shakes her head smiling at me.

“Scared that I’m going to show you up?” I challenge her knowing that she is super competitive.

"I think me and Alex could take you and Ali any day." Justin pipes in.

"Is that a bet?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure is.” The man cracked a smile.

“Alright, let’s make this interesting.” I suggest.

“What did you have in mind?” He asked.

“Losing team buys breakfast tomorrow.” I propose.

“Deal.” He agrees, “Looks like you’re paying for my breakfast tomorrow babe.” He says wrapping his arm around Ali’s shoulder.

“Waffles or pancakes.” I smile at Alex, “I’m preferential towards pancakes.”

“I guess you’ll find out when you’re buying them for me tomorrow.” She smirks and I let out a load raspy laugh.

“We’ll see about that.” I wink at her.

“You’re on O’Hara.” Alex replies before pulling Justin onto the course.

“Don’t lose this for me Riley.” I say looking pointedly at my partner.

What people fail to tell about paintball is how much it actually hurts. So there we are in the middle of a field that had trees and small dirt hills randomly throughout, hiding behind hay bales, tires, and any other materials set out to be used as shields. The game had quickly become intense, every single one of us being very competitive.

Ali and I have always worked well together and not long into our paid hour we had taken Justin out with ease. After that, we formulated what I thought was a very well thought out plan to get Alex as well. Once I see Ali give me the signal, I stand on top of the hay bale I’ve been hiding behind, with my helmet off and call out to her.

“Alex we have to go the games over.” I call out loudly.

“You’re lying.” Alex sticks her head up over some tires.

“No I’m serious our hour is up we gotta head out.” I say nonchalantly holding my gun.

“No I know you’re lying.” Alex challenges. “The man told us they would sound an alarm to let us know when the game was over.”

Shit I forgot about that. “It went off, you must not have heard it.” I lie smoothly, “Here.” I say as I place my gun on the hay bale knowing Ali is right around the corner waiting for a clear shot. “You really are competitive Morgan.”

Alex hesitates but slowly steps away from her barrier and makes slow strides towards me. She stops a few feet away from me, lifting the mask over her face exposing her eyes. She looks at me suspiciously but I just smile and wait for Ali’s ambush. I watch as Ali stand up, creeping towards Alex’s right side knowing Alex doesn’t see her.

“Will you put your gun down?” I feign concern for my safety, “I feel like you’re going to kill me.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Alex starts to bend down and I look at Ali expectantly but before I know it Ali is stumbling backwards shot with a round of pink paintballs.

I whip my head around in time to see Alex’s helmet off with a wicked grin on her face.

“How did you know?” I ask incredulously.

“Because you’re almost as competitive as me,” She shrugs, “Game over.”

I feel the first two shots in my stomach with the following two on my thigh and shin. I lose balance on the hay bale and before I know it I’m falling backwards off of it. I hit the ground hard, my head slamming into the hard ground, and my vision blurs a little as I try to catch my breath from the wind being knocked out of me.

“Holy shit. Are you okay?” Ali yells as she runs up to me laughing.

“I hurt.” I whine as I bring my hand up to my head.

“Oh my god Kelley!” Alex runs over to me. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know they shot out that fast.” Alex explains apologetically.

“Hold it right there Morgan. Place the gun on the ground and back away slowly.” Ali teases Alex which gets a painful laugh out of me.

“I’m so sorry.” Alex apologizes again.

“It’s okay Lex, just help me up.” I tell her. “Oh okay bad idea.” I wince in pain as the dizziness and nausea hit me once I am on my feet.

“Your eyes are so dilated.” Ali says as she stares at my head. “We should go get you checked out.”

“Yeah that is probably a good idea.” I laugh at how this nights starting to turn out.

“Kelley I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Alex repeats as soon as we get in the car.

“It’s okay Alex.” I smile at her as I lean my head on her shoulder feeling tired.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Alex instructs.

“I can’t help it you’re just so boring to hang out with.” I tease and retrieve a light punch for it.

“Hey now let’s wait for the physical abuse until after you get checked out.” Ali chuckles.

 

*

“So the technician tells me that you were paintballing?” The doctor says as she enters the room.

“Yes ma’am. I thought it would be a good idea for a first date.” I give Alex a knowing glance.

“Well then, I assume the date wasn’t going well?” She directs her question at Alex and I burst out laughing.

“It was an accident.” Alex says turning beet red.

“That’s a questionable statement.” Ali chimes in causing Alex to become even more embarrassed.

“Well looking at your X-Rays, it seems you have a moderate or rather grade two concussion. I want you to avoid sleeping for a few hours so that your friends her will able to monitor you in case you have any worsening symptoms.” She turns to Alex, Ali, and Justin, “Make sure you check on her hourly for the next 24 hours. If she starts experiencing any extreme fatigue, changes in her personality, trouble sleeping or an inability to concentrate, those are signs that there may be a more significant problem, and I want you to bring her back here immediately.” They all nod. “You are going to be sore for the next couple of days so take it easy, no more paintball for a little while.” She smiles kindly at Alex and I. “I want you to take this Ibuprofen for me right now and then get this prescription filled tomorrow.” The doctor explains to me as I lay on the hospital bed.

“Will do.” I smile at her before swallowing the medicine. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome now be careful.” She looks at me and then Alex. “Both of you.”

“Alright let’s get you home.” Ali exclaims standing up from the chair.

“Before we go will you get a picture of Alex and I?” I ask.

“Yeah sure thing.” Ali says grabbing my phone laughing.

“Why do you want a picture?” Alex asks curiously.

“Because I need something to remember our first date.”

“You mean besides the nightmares?” Justin teases Alex who just smiles sadly at me.

I sit up in the hospital bed, with my neck brace on around my neck, put my thumbs up, and smile widely. Alex sits next to me, smiling, and Ali snaps the picture of us. When I look at the picture I can’t help but laugh at how crazy this date turned out to be. I did not expect to be in the hospital at the end of the night but it could have been worse.

*

Ali and Justin drop us off at the dorms before heading back to Justin’s place. Ali told me a head of time that she would give me the dorm room so if Alex wanted to she could sleep in her bed.

Alex is getting ready for bed in the bathroom down the hall so I use this opportunity to call Tobin.

“What’s up dude?” Tobin answers.

“Best worst date of my life.” I say exceedingly.

“Best worst date?” Tobin chuckles. "That doesn't even make sense."

“Well yeah I mean I ended up in the hospital with a concussion but it was amazing.”

“What happened?” she asks worry evident in her voice. "Are you okay?"

“I'm talking to you aren't I? And well she shot me.” I laugh at how ludicrous it all sounded.

“She shot you?”

“With a paintball gun.” I add, “And I fell and hit my head.”

“How is that amazing?” She continues to laugh.

“I don’t know Tobs.” I smile to myself, “There is something special about this girl.” I reply happily.

“Like what?”

“She keeps me on my toes.” I say after thinking about it.

“Well as long as she doesn’t kill you then I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks bud.” I’m about to say something else when I hear Alex at the door. “I gotta go man I will text you tomorrow.”

“Alright be safe.” Tobin replies before hanging up.

“Nice pajamas.” I laugh at Alex’s Nike tee-shirt and boxers.

“You’re one to talk.” Alex says referring to my squirrel pajamas.

“These are one of a kind!” I defend.

“Kind of like you.” She grins at me before going to put her stuff away.

“Uh you can sleep in Ali’s bed if you want.” I say feeling a little nervous now.

“Okay.” Alex says hopping into her bed as I walk over to turn the lights off not hiding the disappointment on my face.

“Goodnight.” I mumble to Alex as I lay in bed. I hear Alex laugh, get out of Ali’s bed, and then I feel my bed dip in.

“Why are you grumpy?” She asks lightly.

“I’m not grumpy just severely injured.” I retort dramatically.

“Are you just sad that I beat you tonight?”

“You are competitive.” I make note of her competitive nature out loud.

“Yeah well it got you to notice me once, I figured I’d try it out again.” She jokes but her laugh is nervous.

“You have a way with trying to impress me.” I say sarcastically.

“I’m sorry tonight was such a train wreck.” Alex says sadly, “I really wanted our first date to go well. I know I was really distant and awkward earlier, I guess I was just so nervous to finally see you in person again that I worked myself up. Then to top it off in true Alex Morgan fashion, I let my competitive side get to me.” Her shoulders slouch.

“Well you know that they say the first date has to always be special.” I smile at her through the darkness. “And tonight was definitely special. I mean I’ve never had someone knock me off my feet before…literally.”

“That makes it two times now.” Alex laughs, “So does this mean you’ll consider a second date?”

“I’ll consider it but it’s highly unlikely.”

“Well in that case I’ll just go to my bed.” Alex teases.

“Wait, wait, wait stay with me.” I say grabbing her arm and pulling her back down.

“Tomorrow I’ll make it up to you I promise.” Alex says through the still air.

“I’ll be holding you to it.” I hear the smile in my words, “Thank you for coming this weekend Lex.”

“You’re welcome.” She turns onto her side facing me. “I’m glad I did.”

“Don’t forget, every hour.” I remind her.

“I already set my alarm.” She states.

“Thank you. Goodnight Alex.” I close my eyes feeling the heaviness pulling my eyelids down.

“Wait.” She whispers.

“What is it?” I ask her.

“I like waffles, just so you know for tomorrow.” I can practically hear her smile.

"You're seriously still holding me to that?"

"Well I did win fairly." 

“Goodnight Morgan.” I say pretending to be grumpy.

I feel Alex’s hand raise and slowly stroke my face with her thumb, gentle and warm against my skin. Alex seems like such a tough person but the way she’s touching me shows me how gentle she can be. I feel her pull closer to me then her lips softly press against mine. The kiss is sweet and tender. Just like a first kiss should be.

I don’t give her a chance to pull away, kissing her again, my hand on the back of her head. Her hand slides down to my shoulder as she opens her mouth, deepening the kiss. There’s a humming of excitement between us, an excitement that signifies the beginning of something new. Despite the pain I’m going to feel tomorrow this night has been actually pretty entertaining. Only Alex can make an injury and a trip to the hospital seem completely worth it.

She stared at me when we broke away, our faces still just inches apart, “The best date I’ve ever been on.” I grin widely and Alex laughs into the air as she gives me one last kiss before wrapping her arm around me. “Goodnight Kell.”

*

The picture of Alex and I in the hospital brings back all of the butterflies in the stomach, breathless and intoxicating feelings that come with starting a new relationship. Sighing, I place the picture carefully in the box. I don’t even know how I feel about her anymore. I’ve tried so hard to push myself in soccer, to keep busy with friends, anything to get my mind off of Alex but she’s always there. The memories are always going to be seared in my brain waiting to present themselves whenever I start to feel like I could move on.

There’s a knock on my door and Christen walks in a moment later.

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Christen smiles at me.

“I’m okay.”

“I hope tonight wasn’t too much for you.” She thinks aloud “With everyone pushing you to move on so quickly. I know it’s been hard on you.”

“I know you guys are just worried about me and that everyone just wants me to be happy.” I look back down at the picture in the box, “Whether I get rid of pictures or not she is still with me. I guess it will just take time.”

“Good things always do.” She says with a far off look in her eyes but my thoughts are too jumbled to really think into it. “Anyways goodnight Kell, I’ll see you bright and early.”

“Wait.” I stop Christen before she leaves the room. “Will you stay tonight?”

“Of course.” She smiles as she walks over to the bed and lies down next to me.

“Thank you for not pushing me.” I roll into Christen resting my head her on shoulder and she wraps her arms around me giving me some peace of mind.

“I know it’s not that simple moving on from someone you love.” She says like she knows from personal experience and for a brief moment I find myself thinking about the people she’s been with trying to piece together who she is talking about. “Goodnight Kelley.” She murmurs into my hair.

“Goodnight Christen.” I breathe out feeling relief for the first time today.


	13. Chapter 13

The last time we had played Portland I was filled with anxious excitement and nerves knowing that I was going to get to see Alex and Tobin. Now is a completely different anxeiousness, instead I’m filled with dread as every minute that passes makes us closer to stepping on the same field with my ex-girlfriend and former best friend as we make our way to the stadium. It’s been about five weeks since the huge blow up between us at the Germany friendly but it’s still a fresh wound that isn’t going to heal anytime soon.

There has not been a single moment in these last five weeks that I have had to go through this heartbreak alone and I am more than grateful to have the amazing friends that I do. The constant support from everyone, the ceremonial picture burning, and having made up with Ashlyn, Ali, and Lauren had helped ease part of the burden and betrayal that I felt, but I know that I am nowhere close to being able to move on from Alex. After seeing the picture of us on our first date I realized that I still love her despite trying to forget her, I would be lying if I said I were. I let myself feel angry at Alex and Tobin, I let that anger fuel my emotions so that the sad ones would stop creeping up on me. I know it’s not the healthiest or best way of dealing with it, but it’s the easiest way to cope right now. I want to be stronger than this, I don’t like this version of myself, I want to be able to flip a switch and be me again, but I want a lot of things I can’t have.

“Earth to Kelley.” Christen says shaking me out of my thoughts. “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” I say unconvincingly.

“If you say so.” Christen sighs dramatically.

I don’t say anything trying to rid these thoughts out of my head when I hear another dramatic sigh, followed by another, and then another.

“Enough Christen!” I say laughing, “You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“Oh I’m sorry was I distracting you?”

“You’re so annoying” I laugh before letting out a small sigh Christen always knew how to get things about out of me. “I’m just nervous about seeing them I guess it’s only been five weeks and I just don’t know if I can handle it.”

"I know it's been a rough day for you.” She pauses and I nod, a very slight movement before closing my eyes and leaning back against my seat. “You're a strong person, Kelley," she tells me. “I don't think you even knew how strong you were until you had to be." Her words hit me hard but instead of thinking, I just shrug my shoulders and pull my jacket tighter around my torso.

“Don’t do that.” She scolds me.

“Do what?” I ask.

“Try to shrug me off and put a brave face on.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.” I can't say she's wrong, but I try to defend myself anyway.

“What then, you don't agree?” I shrug again earning a glare from her, “Well then you’re an idiot. You're a strong person, Kelley I think the strongest person I know.” She takes my hand in hers, “I have faith that you’ll be able to handle this with grace.” Christen says confidently.

“Glad one of us does.” I mutter.

“Don’t worry Kelley if not you can always punch someone in the face.” Megan jokes from the front seat obviously listening in on the conversation.

“You offering yourself?” I joke.

“Oh no, no, no, this face is too pretty.” Megan says putting her hands up in surrender.

“Why don’t we just kick Portland’s ass?” Hope says with her signature smile.

“I’m with Hope.” Ali pipes in next to me.

“Yeah.” I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding and feel Christen’s grip tighten around my hand causing me to look over at her.

“You’re going to be fine Kelley.” She reassures me, “We’re all going to be out there with you. Let’s just win this thing and then we can go back home order pizza from that place down the road that you like so much and watch seasons of Glee.”

I can’t really object to that so smile lightly at her and then focus myself on the game and not the people we’re playing against.

*

When we get to the field we’re immediately swarmed by news reporters yelling questions at us. Having any interviews is the last thing I want to do, but it’s my job so I suck it up and try to put on a happy face. I’m standing next to Hope as we do a paired interview.

“Portland Thorns have had an amazing season this year. The last time your teams faced off it ended in a loss for you guys. Should we expect to see different results today?” One of the men asks us.

“It was a hard fought match that unfortunately we didn’t come out on the winning end. However that was the beginning of the season and our team has been playing really well these last couple of months not having lost a single game since. Portland’s been impressive all season, they are a very talented team and I think we’re all going to be on our game today to walk away with the win.” Hope says effortlessly.

“Kelley you have played a key role with Christen Press upfront this season both scoring the majority of the goals for your team. How does it feel to be playing alongside fellow Stanford Alum?”

“It has been great being up there with Christen again. We work really well together and I think that has shown throughout this season. She is the player I know best in terms of her decisions, preferences, and habits on the field. She is a very talented forward and the NWSL is lucky to have her join us this season.”

“How is playing with Seattle Reign this season instead of with Sky Blue? Are you enjoying the change?”

“I think we have an incredible group of talented players on the team so joining them this season has been awesome.” I reply simple relieved that these questions are all soccer related.

The interview questions were going fine until people started yelling the one name I didn’t care to hear.

“Alex.” The reporters chanted as Alex came into view. She was walking with Tobin laughing about something when the onslaught of chanting began, she smiled politely and waved but kept walking. She turned her head and our eyes locked for a brief moment. Something flashed through her eyes but she quickly looked down and continued walking into the stadiums entrance.

“Kelley we recently found out that you and Alex Morgan had a falling out will that effect your game tonight?” A reporter asks catching her off guard.

“Excuse me?” I say snapping out of my trance my attention settling on the reporter who had just asked me a question. I hadn’t been sure that I’d heard him correctly until he repeated himself and my blood began to boil. I starter to falter and stumble shocked at the personal question about Alex and I’s relationship. It was no surprise that everyone suspected Alex and I to have dated but to be asked so upfront I was more than taken back.

“Oh I’m sorry what event are we at right now?” Hope cuts in.

“The Seattle Reign versus Portland Thorns game?” The interviewer asked confused.

“Oh yeah that’s right I forgot for a second that we’re here to talk about soccer.” Hope says in the bitchiest way possible without crossing the line. “So if you’re going to be asking invasive questions about our personal lives then I think you’re at the wrong place. Now excuse us we have a game to go win.” She says with a fake smile before grabbing my arm and leading me away.

“Thank you.” I say still shocked by the interviewer’s question.

“Don’t let them get to you.” She says gruffly, “The media has no decency or understanding of boundaries.”

“Okay.” I say blankly.

“Just stay focused okay?” Hope says wrapping her arm around my shoulder giving it a squeeze.

*

As we walk onto the field I hear all the Seattle Reign supporters cheering for our team. I can’t help but feel my muscles tense walking side by side with the Portland Thorns players. As we stand in a line to be introduced I can’t help but cringe when Tobin and Alex’s names are called and the stands roar in excitement.

“Let’s do this.” Christen says as we take our spots on the field.

Lauren and Tobin are having an intense discussion and I can tell by Laurens face that she’s giving Tobin a pep talk, I can only assume about me. I scan the field and see Alex standing there staring at Lauren and Tobin probably wondering what they’re talking about as well. Tobin looks up and smiles at Alex who returns the gesture and my skin crawls. My anger spikes and all I want to do is win.

“Let’s get these 3 points ladies.” Megan yells, clapping her hands together before the ref blows the whistle and the game begins.

*

This has been one of the most heated games this season that we’ve played in and no one is going down without a fight. Megan crosses the ball over to Christen who shoots it wide, another frustrating missed opportunity for us.

KK punts the ball down the field as Tobin runs towards it as she beats Nairn to the ball. Tobin easily passes through midfield as she sends a beautifully timed cross to Alex who easily passes through Ali and puts the ball in the upper right corner behind Hope and into the net.

The crowd roars as Alex runs down the field as her team rushes to her in celebration.

“Goal scored by Alex Morgan assisted by Tobin Heath.” The announcer pronounces loudly right as Tobin jumps into Alex arms in celebration.

My anger rises even more as I watch them celebrate together. I need this win not only for my team but for myself. We walk off the field as the first half ends 1-0.

As the second half starts up there is a new kind of fierceness to my team. We’re in their end when Fishlock passes me a ball and I take it up the right side slipping past their midfield but I’m cut short as I get taken to the ground by a tackle. I look up in just enough time to see that the perpetrator was none other than Tobin, but no whistle is blown and she continues to press forward with the ball passing it off to Sinclair who gets a shot on net, Hope luckily saves it. Tobin and I had been finding each other all game fighting for possession of the ball.

Hope punts the ball and Tobin connects on the 50/50, pushing forward again as she drives a shot that Hope has to dive for. Hope stands up collecting herself as she yells orders to her defense. This time she throws the ball out to Kaylyn who looks for Megan who’s making a run down the line. When Megan connects with the pass, she turns and heads down the line making a beautiful cross in front of the net but Christen is a few steps behind and KK swoops the ball up. KK throws the ball to Lauren who makes her way down the field with the ball. She passes the ball to Tobin and my adrenaline kicks in as I push to catch up to her as she tries to meg Nairn. I make a slide tackle that misses the ball and connects with Tobin’s ankle.

The whistle is blown and Tobin dusts herself off, standing up and angrily glaring at me. I can tell she wants to say something but using her better judgment, she keeps her mouth shut. Tobin takes the kick and Alex connects with the ball shooting it above the net.

Hope takes a goal kick that flies into the middle as Tobin is there once again to obtain the ball and I begin cursing my team internally for not getting to the 50/50 balls. Instinct takes over and I feel myself moving quickly to meet Tobin as she took off down the pitch. Unfortunately I had not moved quick enough and in a last ditch effort to stop her advance, I end up clipping her heel as she propels into the ground.

I wasn’t trying to hurt Tobin although though I’m sure everyone thought I was.

“What the hell is your problem?” Tobin yells at midfield as she stands up storming towards me.

“It was an accident, relax.” I say stepping forward challenging Tobin.

“Yeah and I’m sure the other one was too. You’ve been shoving the entire half.” Tobin says letting her anger fuel her words.

“And you haven’t?” I counter.

“Grow up Kelley.”

“That’s real rich coming from you.” I say stepping closer to her so our faces are practically touching.

“Guys knock it off.” I hear a familiar raspy voice intervene as I whirl around to see Alex.

“How loyal of you Alex.” I say spitefully. “New trait you’re trying out?”

“Watch it.” Tobin warns as she presses herself between us.

“Or what Tobin?” I challenge and that’s when I hear the whistle blow and the ref is holding up a yellow card.

Tobin and I both got carded and sternly warned to be professional.

“Come on Kelley get your head in the game.” Megan chastises me.

The thorns get the ball from my original foul on Tobin as they kick the ball but Riley recovers it passing it up to Rapinoe as she presses forward passing Cheney and thorns defense as she blasts a shot past KK.

“Seattle Reign goal scored by Megan Rapinoe assisted by Ali Riley.” The announcer exclaims as we all jump up in excitement and rush towards Megan to celebrate.

The game is back in play and our team as a new sense of urgency in the game. I steal the ball from one of the Thorns midfield as I send a pass to Nairn who takes it up before passing it to Megan on the left side. Megan runs down the flank until she crosses it over and Christen finds the ball shooting it perfectly into the net.

“Goal scored by Christen Press assisted by Megan Rapinoe. Reign up 2-1.” The announcer proclaims as we celebrate again.

Thorns pick up their game as they make their way down the field as Tobin passes a ball to Cheney as she takes it down slamming a shot into the back of the net.

“Goal scored by Lauren Holiday in the 85th minute assisted by Tobin Heath. Score is now tied 2-2.”

The crowd is going wild as both teams line back up to start play once again.

I look over at Christen who is staring at me just like she did when we played for Stanford. I know that determination in her features better than anyone else.

The game starts again and we press forward trying to beat out the Thorns midfield and defenders. The possession goes back and forth between our teams and we start to feel the pressure of the clock ticking down.

“The refs have given 2 minutes of stoppage time.” The announcer says.

Cheney gets ahold of the ball as she passes it to Tobin who lobs it forward to Alex as Alex takes a shot on goal that Hope easily saves.

Hope throws the ball to Ali who takes it up until she passes it to up the field to Nairn who passes to Christen who brings it out to the right side. I push forward to the center as Christen crosses the ball in the middle. I jump up trying to beat the defender as I head the ball. I hear a rush of cheering and it’s not until my teammates are running towards me that I realize I scored.

“Kelley O’Hara has done it! Seattle Reign takes the lead in the 91st minute. Goal assisted by Christen Press.”

The next minute is painstakingly slow but once the final whistle blows I find Christen through the crowd of teammates running towards me as she hugs me tightly celebrating.

“Final score, 3-2 Seattle!”

“You did it.” She says into my ear and I can’t help but smile.

*

The team is still celebrating in the locker room as I say my goodbyes and head for the door.

“Hold up.” Hope says putting her hand out to stop me.

“What?” I ask confused.

“You can’t really go anywhere when I’m the one that drove us here.” She laughs.

“Oh yeah.” I mutter.

“You okay?” She asks as we make our way out of the locker room and towards her vehicle.

“Just peachy.” I reply slinging my bag over my shoulder, “Just glad it’s over with.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t get red carded.” Hope smirks at me.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt her.” I say stopping and turning to face her. “Despite what everyone thinks.”

“Let them think what they want.” Hope states.

“I would be lying if I didn’t say it felt good tackling her.”

“Of course it did and you deserved that win.” She puts her arm around my shoulders, “I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks Hope.” I say smiling at her.

We both turn around as the Thorns start making their way out of the locker room. Sinclair and Cheney comes over to us hugging both of us and making small talk before heading to their bus.

“Keep in touch Kell.” Cheney says hugging me, “You need anything you let me know.”

“I will.” I say smiling at her.

As Lauren walks away Tobin and Alex come out of the locker room absorbed in their conversation. Alex is upset about the loss, it’s written all over her face and if my hearing serves me right she’s pissed at Tobin for what happened on the field between us.

“For the tenth time I’m sorry Alex. I don’t know what you want me to say, I wasn’t trying to start a fight okay?”

“Maybe you weren’t but it still happened.” Alex states.

“I know.” Tobin looks down like a child being scolded. “I’m not happy it happened either okay?”

“I know.” Alex sighs. “Did you know about Lauren going to see Kelley?”

“Yeah I did why?”

 “And you didn’t think to tell me because?”

“I didn’t think I had to?” Tobin says dumbfounded.

“You didn’t think that was something I deserved to know?” Alex bites back.

“I didn’t think it mattered to you, honestly.”

“Well it does.” Alex states adamantly, “Did you know about Ashlyn and Ali going there too?”

 “Yeah Alex I did but so what?” Tobin argues.

“I had to find all this out on Twitter.” Alex says showing Tobin a picture on her phone that I assume is the one Lauren posted from our cleansing at the house.

“I’m sorry.” Tobin gives in, “I should have told you.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?” She asks.

“Does what bother me?”

“That she can forgive everyone else.”

I watch Tobin as she shifts uncomfortably, “It bothers me that Kelley hates me and that I lost my best friend but no, it doesn’t bother me that she can find it in her to forgive our friends that got stuck in the middle of our mess.” She says emphasizing ‘our’.

“What friends.” Alex continues to argue.

“Oh don’t be like that Alex.”

“Oh I’m sorry for opening up to you about how I feel. I’ll make sure not to next time.” Alex snaps.

“Stop projecting your anger onto me Alex it’s not fair.” Tobin snaps back. “I can’t help that Kelley is willing to forgive them for their part in all this.”

“I’m not okay? It was just hard seeing her after everything and then having you two fighting on the field.” She resigns, “It’s just hard seeing pictures of everyone happy together with everything being so messed up for us.”

“I know, I’m sorry babe.” Tobin says grabbing her hand and leaning in to kiss Alex. I felt nauseous as I watched the two of them kiss each other. When they pulled away Alex looked at Tobin in a way that use to be only reserved for me and I felt fresh wounds that were just starting to heal being brutally ripped open.

“Ahem.” Hopes voice cuts through the silence. I had forgot that she was with me.

They pull apart and both of them stare at us wide eyed bringing me back to that dreadful day when I’d walking in the hotel room. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, I wanted to say all the things I hadn’t gotten to, but when I went to, nothing came. It was like my body went into self-defense mode. I knew if I opened my mouth that I would cry and I refuse to let them see me be weak.

I push past them and I swear I heard Alex say my name as I walk out of the building wanting an escape.

“Kelley.” Hope says as she walks to the car.

“I’ll be fine.” I say wiping my eyes.

“I wasn’t going to ask you that so you don’t need to bullshit me.” She huffs once she is standing at the car. “I was going to say I think you could use a drink, my treat.” Hope offers.

“I could definitely use one.” I say with a small laugh.”What about the rest of the girls?”

“I figured you could use a night away from everyone so they found other arrangements.” Hope smirks at me.

Hope was the kind of person that held her head high no matter the situation. She was the kind of person that would figure things out on her own, or not at all. She had been through so much and kept so much inside for so long that when she had met me, the thought of opening up to another person was simply terrifying. She had a tough exterior, she had to. However, once she let you in and you got to know her, she was really a great person, kind, caring and funny. Hope was the only one besides Christen that hadn’t started treating me like I was some fragile and broken person. She just let me be me and I was so thankful for that.

“Your tab right?” I ask cheekily and she lets out a chuckle.

“Yes.” She says shaking her head, “Now get in the car O’Hara.”

*

The bar is pretty crowded tonight but we manage to find two empty seats.

“Two shots of Tequila and Jess make them strong.” Hope says to the bartender.

“How do you know her?” I ask curiously.

“Eh came here a lot after the divorce. You get to know people.”Hope shrugs. “Cheers.”

“That is strong.” I say through a cough as the liquid burns its way down my throat.

“Jess, a couple more rounds please.” Hope says finishing hers off quickly.

Four shots and a couple of beers later I’m feeling a lot better than I was an hour ago. The bar is crowded with people watching sports or playing pool or darts. Jess brings us over two more beers as she stares at me.

“Break up?” She asks me bluntly.

“Is it that obvious?” I say after taking a sip of my beer.

“No.” She answers reassuringly, “I’ve just gotten good at knowing.” Jess shrugs her shoulders. “How long?”

“Being broken up or together?”I asked confused most likely due to the alcohol.

“Both.” She says simply.

“We we’re together for seven long years.” I sigh, “We broke up almost two months ago after I found out she was fucking my best friend.”

“Well her loss then.” Jess says sympathetically, “Next glass is on me.”

“Thanks Jess.” I say smiling.

I look over to see Hope talking to some guy by the pool table and by the look on her face I can tell it isn’t a friendly conversation. I decide to go see what is going on but not before I chug my beer.

“What’s going on Hope?” I ask stumbling towards them.

“Just having a chat.” The man answers for her, his breath reeking of whiskey.

“Why don’t you mosey on out of here?”

“What are you twelve? How about you get out of here before your curfew is up and let the grownups talk.”

“Oh I’m sorry I must have mistaken you for a pathetic frat boy who can’t hold his liquor.” This gets a laugh from Hope. I know she is more than capable of handling this herself but the alcohol in my system is telling me otherwise. Hope has an amused look on her face and I know she’s waiting to see how this plays out.

“You better watch who you’re talking to.” The man says stepping towards me.

“Or what?” I say noticing the guy grab a ball from the pool table squeezing it in his hands.

“You don’t want to know.” He says through gritted teeth and I see Hope is about to step in.

“Oh I’m shaking.” I roll my eyes.

“Who is she?” He asks in Hope’s direction. “You’re annoying little sister?”

“Let’s make a bet.” I say walking over to the other side of the pool table grabbing a cue stick. “If you win a game of pool she will give you her number and I’ll leave you two alone but if I win I get to kick you in the nuts and you leave.”

“Deal.” He says laughing confidently. “Anything to get you to leave.”

“Kelley what are you doing?” Hope says amused.

“Just go grab me another beer and take a seat.” I say winking at her.

My family has a pool table in the basement of our house and we use to play down there for hours. I actually became really good at pool so even with alcohol in my system it doesn’t take me long until I start sinking balls into pockets. It comes down to having two of my balls on the table and one of his. He already thinks he’s won as he smiles at me triumphantly.

“Well sorry I had to beat you like this but it’s been a nice run.” He gets into position. “Tell your friend to get a pen, left corner pocket.” He shoots his ball but it hits the side of the pocket and bounces off.

“Oh that’s too bad.” I say pretending to wince. “See if it was me I would’ve gone for the left side pocket but that’s just me. Anyways blue ball in the right side pocket, yellow in the left corner pocket, then 8 ball in the left side pocket.” I say them out loud before even hitting any of them in. I sink the blue, then the yellow, and slowly tap the 8 ball into its rightful pocket.

The bar had slowly gathered around the table and soon erupted in applause and cheers as my opponent stood there completely dumbfounded.

“You hustled me.” He said angrily.

“Oh shut up Jim, she beat you fair and square.” Another guy said sitting at a table. “Time to pay up.”

Everyone stood around us as Jim reluctantly came forward so I could collect my debt.

“Whatever go ahead but don’t hurt yourself princess.” His face is smug which makes this all the sweeter.

“Did I forget to mention I’m a professional soccer player?” I say as I swing my foot back and kick him right in the nuts. He lets out a loud scream that sounded like a little girl screaming. He fell to the floor coughing and crying but was slowly drowned out by the applause from my fellow bar friends.

“I think I’m bleeding.” Jim says crying as his friends pull him up and out of the bar.

“Sorry.” Hope shrugs at him before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading us off. “Did I forget to mention I’m a professional soccer player? Seriously that was priceless Kelley!” she laughs loudly.

We spend the next hour throwing back shots and a variety of drinks that Jess keeps making for us.

“I still can’t believe you did that.” Hope says throwing her head back letting the shot slide down.

“He had it coming plus he was being a jerk to you.” I say sitting up straight in my chair trying to act noble and tough.

“My hero, how will I ever repay you?” Hope says smiling as she places her hand on my thigh.

“I can think of a few things.” I say before catching myself.

“Careful Kelley.” Hope says her voice low and filled with something I can’t quite pin but it leaves goose bumps on my arms.

“My apologies it’s the new single Kelley talking.” I say slurring a little, “She’s a bit forward.”

“You know what they say right? The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” She says seriously her eyes focused on mine.

“Really?” I ask curiously.

“No not really.” Hope says laughing out loud and I can’t help but laugh along, “Probably not the best idea actually.”

“That’s unfortunate.” I say flirtatiously the alcohol making me braver than I usually am.

“And whys that O’Hara?” Hope arches her eyebrow in curiosity.

“I would’ve considered it.” I say shrugging my shoulders playfully.

“I’m broken anyways.” Hope says, “I can’t be fixed.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’m not looking to fix anyone.” I say scanning Hope’s face unconsciously biting my lip as I look her up and down.

Hope is eyeing me questioningly as if she’s weighing on what I just implied.

“Jess can we get another round?” Hope says not breaking our eye contact.

“No can do, you guys are cut off. I’m surprised you’re both standing.” Jess says laughing as she cleans out a glass with a rag.

“How about a cab then?”

“That I can do.”

*

The cab arrives a couple of minutes later and we climb in giving him our addresses before sitting in a comfortable silence. I didn’t realize how drunk I was until the fresh air hit me and my surroundings spun a little.

I close my eyes to stop the spinning leaning my head against Hope’s shoulder. Tonight has been a lot of fun and thanks to Hope I’ve actually enjoyed myself without misery tagging along. I feel myself place my hand on Hopes knee testing her reaction. She doesn’t move so I begin to slowly move my hand down her thigh testing her reaction. She tenses a little but doesn’t move my hand as I move it further down. I hear her breath hitch a little when I move my hand to the inside of her thigh but I slowly pull it away teasingly. The rest of the car rides is filled with tension and I’m surprised neither one of us breaks. My thoughts are broken when I feel Hope’s hand on my own thigh now and her lips grazing my ear.

“We’re here.” She says and I can feel my skin tingle against her breath.

She pays the cab driver and sends him on his way. We make our way to her front door and she unlocks it letting me go in first before shutting and locking it behind us. She turns around and before I can even process it my lips are pressing against hers. The kiss is hard but her lips are soft against mine, her hands running up my back and into my hair. I drag my fingers along the waistband of her jeans and I feel her muscles tighten under my touch. A growl escapes her lips as she lifts me up pressing into me as she pins me against the wall. I wrap my legs around her waist and moan as her lips make contact with my neck.

What are we doing?

Her lips and hands are unfamiliar and the realization that they aren’t Alex’s hits me immediately. I have been with the same girl for the last seven years and never once did I think I would ever be touching someone else like this again. My mind is clouded with drunken thoughts and I do my best to push her out of them.

Hope doesn’t seem to take notice of my internal struggle and suddenly my heads spinning as her tongue pushes past my lips massaging my own, resulting in a moan erupting from my throat. Hope is an amazing kisser and I try to let the newness of someone else’s touch distract me from my present heartbreak, tonight is mine to have and I need this.

"Bedroom now." I demand.                                                        

She pauses, an amused look on her face before tightening her grip and carrying me up to her room.

Once we’re there, she throws me onto the bed climbs up my body and kisses me. I moan softly into her mouth and am rewarded with a groan from her.

As tension and anticipation filled my senses, I couldn’t help but suddenly feel the guilt rising up in my chest.

My body stiffens and Hope pulls back. “Kelley.”

I cut her off by crashing my lips into hers. This apparently gave Hope all the permission she needed. It wasn't long before she was deepening the kiss and I heard myself moan out in pleasure. I pull off her sweatshirt and she quickly removes my shirt and bra before reaching for the zipper on my jeans.

The rest of our clothes are soon shed, littering the floor.

When she lifts her head I recapture her lips with my own, savoring the taste of alcohol that still lingered on them. My nails scratch down her muscular back, and she arches into me. She begins leaving a trail of burning kisses from my lips, down my neck, and over my collar-bone. I throw my head back and feel her smile against my skin.

I welcome this distraction, the unfamiliarity of Hope’s kiss and touch, and for at least tonight I let myself find comfort in the arms of a woman that isn’t the cause of all my heartache

*

I wake up the next morning and my head is pounding from the alcohol I consumed last night. The light shining through hurts my eyes but I know I have to get up. I stretch trying to wake myself up more but my arm is stopped when it knocks into something.

“Jesus Kelley watch where you flail yourself.” Hope says grumpily.

“Oh my god.” I immediately freeze up.

“You know you said that a lot last night.” Hope says yawning, “Who knew you were so religious.”

“We had sex.” I say pointedly trying to come to grips with what’s happened.

“Yes we did.” Hope says smirking at me. “Are you okay with that?”

I paused for a moment letting myself fully process everything that happened last night. Hope was one of my really good friends and she has helped me a lot these last couple of weeks but not once did I think we would ever sleep together. I don’t know if it was the alcohol last night but having sex with someone else wasn’t has hard as I thought it would be.

“Best rebound sex ever.” I say happily looking at Hope who is now laughing freely.

“Well I hope you enjoyed it because it won’t be a reoccurring thing.” Hope states, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah I know.” I say sighing contently, “I would never want to jeopardize our friendship no matter how amazing the sex was.”

“Oh so it was amazing?” Hope asks teasingly.

“Well it could’ve been the alcohol last night you never know.” I shrug back at her.

“How about we let it slide one more time.” Hope says rolling on top of me, “I wouldn’t want my skills to be questioned.”

“Deal.” Is the last thing I get out as Hopes mouth finds mine.

*

After I shower I rummage through Hope’s drawers to borrow some clothes because mine reek or beer and smoke. When I make my way into the kitchen Hope is humming to the radio and making breakfast.

“Are you hungry?” Hope asks me not turning around.

“Starving.” I exclaim.

“Of course.” Hope turns around throwing something at me and I easily catch it, “That should hold you over until the real foods ready.”

I look down at the orange that Hope just tossed to me and inwardly curse myself. I had an amazing night and morning with Hope. I didn’t know I would ever be able to be with someone intimately like that again but now I can’t help feel the guilt creep up one me. I tried so hard to keep Alex out of my mind but she always has a way of creeping back in. It’s bad enough that I already constantly think about her but to have orange affect me like this is ridiculous. I stare at the orange with it came a tidal wave of memories.

*

“Alex I can’t do this.” I say shaking my head and looking for a way out of the car as Alex continues down the highway.

“Don’t be so dramatic Kelley.” She says continuing to stare straight ahead.

"Alex I can't meet your parents.” I blurt out.

She looked taken back and her face fell slightly. “You’ve met them before.”

“They know we’re dating now!” I exclaim.

"It's not a big deal, Kell." She places her over mine, "It’s just dinner and plus, Jenni and Jeri will be there as well.”

“Alex I can’t meet your family please turn around.” I plead with her.

“Kelley, I have flown to Georgia with you and spent time with your family several times already.” She points out, “It’s your turn.”

“Yeah but my family actually accepts our relationship and knew about you well ahead of time.” I argue, “You just told your parents a couple weeks ago and then out of the blue the other day they call and say that they want to meet me.”

“It’s going to be fine Kelley. They are going to love you.” She says confidently.

“You don’t know that.” I pout.

“I love you and so will they.” She smiles at me. “We’re here.” She says as she pulls into her driveway.

“Here goes nothing.” I mutter as I follow her up the steps to her house.

*

I have just enough time to take a deep breathe before the door flies open and Alex is immediately engulfed in a hug from her mother.

"Mom!” Alex greets happily.

“Oh Alex honey it's so nice to see you." She pulled back and held her at arm length. “How have you been? You look good. You’re still coming home for winter break right? Your grandparents will be so upset if you miss Christmas with us.”

The questions all came at once and I smiled at how much Alex took after her.

“Mom one question at a time. We’ve talked about this.” Jeri says from the doorway. “Hey Alex.”

 “Hey Jer. Where are Dad and Jenni?” she asks.

“Out back grilling.” She smiles at me, “Hey Kelley.”

“Hey Jeri.” I smile at her sister as Alex begins answering her mother’s questions.

“I’ve been really good mom. As for winter break, I will still have soccer and I promised Kelley’s parents that I would go to Georgia for their family party but of course I’ll be home for Christmas.”

She nods before turning her eyes to me, “Hi.” I say smiling shyly.

Without warning she pulls me into a hug. “Kelley we’re so glad you could make it.”

“Me too.” I mumble into her sweater.

“Alex.” Michael Morgan greets as he walks up behind his wife.

“Dad.” She smiles and gives him a hug. “This is Kelley.” She says as she wraps her arm around me.

“It’s nice to finally meet the infamous Kelley.” her father says, “We have heard a lot about you from Alex.”

I raise my brow and Alex just blushes.

“Dad.” Alex whines.

“What?” Mr. Morgan questions, “All good things of course.” He directs towards me putting his hand out for me to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kelley.”

“Actually, we’ve already met a couple of times.” I say shaking his hand.

“We have, haven’t we?” He looks at me, “This is under much different circumstances though wouldn’t you say?”

I hesitate, “Uh yes sir.”

“Dad.” This time it comes out more like a warning.

“Well then, let’s eat dinner, shall we?”

A few minutes later all six of us sat down for a family dinner. Alex's Dad is staring intently at me while her mom and sisters made small talk.

“So Kelley, Alex tells me you attend Stanford University.” He stated more than asked.

I nod and confirm anyway, coughing and finding my voice when he raises his eyebrow, not taking that as a suitable reply. "Yes."

He raises his eyebrow again.

"Yes, sir." I try again.

“That’s a good school.”

“A very good school.” Her mother pipes in as he openly sizes me up.

“What are you going to school for?”

“I’m majoring in science, technology and society with an emphasis in environmental engineering and product design.” I answer.

“You’re a junior, correct?”

“That’s correct.”

“Have you put much thought into your future after college? Soccer and job wise that is.” He pushes.

“Would you like to know her social security number and mother’s maiden name too? Seriously Dad, ease up.” Alex warns.

“Lex its fine.” I say smiling at her to let her know I’m not freaking out, “I hope to continue my soccer career; it’s what I’m passionate about. However it has always been a given in my mind that I’d finish my education so that when I no longer had soccer to fall back on I could have a good career.”

“That’s good.” Pam says smiling at me, “You seem extremely dedicated.”

“Now I’ve already asked Alex this but why is it you’ve been dating my daughter for six months now and this is the first time we are doing this?”

“Dad!” Alex groans.

“What? You’ve been with this girl unofficially since your freshman year, started dating in the summer, and it’s now December and we are just formally meeting her.”

“Alex thinks so highly of you guys, I think she was just making sure this was something serious before bringing me home to meet all of you.”

“And this is serious for you as well?” He asks.

“Yes sir it is.” I answer with strong conviction.

“Are you in love with my daughter?”

“Michael!”

“Dad!”

“Yes sir.” I laugh at the reactions of the other two women. “I am very much in love with your daughter.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“How did you know when you were in love?” I counter and I see his brow raise a little over my boldness before I continue. “It came easy for me, I had known for a while before I said something, I mean Alex may be a pain but she isn’t hard to love. She makes me feel like I’m wanted.” I feel her take my hand in hers and I give her a quick smile. “She makes me feel safe, and I like that, I like feeling safe with her because she makes everything seem like it will be okay. I like knowing that I can go to her whenever I need her and I like knowing she will always be there.” I glance over at Alex and see the huge smile playing on her face, “I don’t think love is something you can fully explain to another person. It’s different for everyone in every relationship so I don’t have a solid answer for you sir, I just know.”

When I’m finished speaking I look up at her father and notice something in his eyes. He smiles at me and nods indicating what I can only take as his approval.

“Don’t listen to her Dad, she’s a sweet talker.” Alex jokes while winking at me.

“And you’re a tyrant.” I tease which receives a laugh from her dad.

“That she is.” Jeri smirks and Alex punches her. “Put Kelley in the hospital lately Alex?”

“What is she talking about?” Pam asks.

“Never mind mom.” Alex blushes red from embarrassment. “Shut up Jeri.”

“She takes after her mother.” Michael leans forward and whispers to me.

“Well if that’s the case than your wife must be an extraordinary woman.”

“Oh that she is.” Alex’s father smiles lovingly at her mother.

“Thank you.” Alex mouths to me and I wink at her in return.

“Thank you for putting up with her. I know she's a quite the hand-full sometimes." He grins at Alex and me.

“Oh wow thanks Dad.” Alex replies sarcastically.

“It’s true Lex, even when you were kid. I remember when she was younger playing soccer, she would have her chest all puffed up, her face red, running all over the field. She was so competitive that she would even steal the ball from her own teammates. She would be so worked up that during the halftime we would have to give her an orange to calm her down.”

“Seriously?” I laugh looking at an embarrassed Alex.

“We gave them to her to help remind her not to take everything so seriously, that soccer was about having fun too.” Her mom continues.

“Oranges?” I say turning to Alex.

“What? I really liked oranges it was like my favorite part of the game when I was younger.”

“That’s hilarious.”

“Don’t make fun of me Kell.”

“I don’t need to make fun of you, your stories are already doing my job for me.”

“You’re a brat.”

“You guys argue like children.” Jenni laughs.

“Who is ready for dessert?” Mrs. Morgan asks as she goes to get up.

“Me!” Alex and I both say in unison laughing.

*

The night comes to an end Alex goes into one of her sister’s old bedrooms and I take hers. We had both given her parents our word that we would sleep in separate rooms. I’m lying there unable to sleep when suddenly my door slowly opens.

“Kell? Are you asleep?” I hear Alex whisper.

“Nope, still awake.” I say as Alex begins to pull the covers back and climbs into bed with me.

“Alex what are you doing? We’re at your parents house.” I whisper urgently.

“So what Kell they’re asleep.” She lays next to me.

“This is so high school of you.” I laugh.

“What were you doing in high school?” She quirks her brow.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I wink and earn a slap.

“It’s a good thing I think you’re cute.”

“I hear that from all my ladies.” I earn another. “I’m just kidding babe.”

“Thank you for meeting my parents.” She cuddles into me wrapping her arm around my waist.

“I like your parents they’re really nice.” I kiss her forehead. “They love you.”

“After tonight they love you as well.”

“Well duh who couldn’t?” I say arrogantly.

“Don’t ruin it O’Hara.” She says pushing into me.

“I’m glad we came to visit your family Alex.” I let out a sigh, “It’s such a relief having that out of the way.”

“Despite your constant objection the whole way here.” She pokes fun.

“I was scared they wouldn’t like me.”

“I know babe.” She leans in closer, “I felt the same way about meeting your family.”

“Pfft they loved you before they even officially met you.” I laugh. “They were so happy when they found out I was bringing you home to meet them.”

“You’re whole family is amazing.” She sits up and looks directly at me, “I love you, Kell.”

“I love you too.” I smile.

She shifts, so she's straddling me, her knees digging into the mattress on either side of my waist.

“You really mean that don’t you.” She practically whispers as she stares back at me in wonder. 

“Damn right, I do.” I grin up at her and receive a light laugh.

“Seriously Kelley.” She says as she looks down at me.

“Alexandra Patricia Morgan, you know I love you.” I say seriously now, reaching up to touch her cheek. “I am in love with you.”

She smiles and leans down, placing a soft kiss on my lips.

Her free hand roams up my side and I feel myself shudder. We kiss again and again, slowly getting bolder each time. I hear myself moan as she deepens the kiss, and she lets out a chuckle, smiling against my lips. “Shut up.” I mumble sheepishly which just causes her to smile even wider.

“I’m in love with you too, Kelley Maureen O’Hara.” She says pulling back slightly, “Thank you for being you.”

I feel my heart leap in my chest and lean forward embracing her lips with my own before pulling her down completely on top of me, her weight settling over me. Not breaking our kiss, my fingers find the hem of her shirt and I slowly started pushing it up. Her skin is soft and warm beneath my touch and I contemplate my next move. Her kisses become more demanding and encouraged by her actions, I slide my hands further up.

"Is this okay?" I ask hesitantly.

She looks down at me with need in her blue eyes and gives a small nod.

"Are you sure?”

“Kelley.” She frowns.

“Just double checking.” I smile nervously up at her.

When our eyes meet, I feel a shiver run throughout my whole body.

Slowly, clothes begin to hit the ground, our breathing increasing as our skin touches. She’s holding me close and my senses are in overdrive as I flip us over so I’m on top. I deepen our kiss as my hand trails down her neck, to her collar bone, down her ribs and into the front her underwear. I hesitate as my fingers delicately slide along the waistband.

“Kelley.” Alex pulls away from my kiss to catch her breath.

I see her eyes open, the blue piercing through me, and I freeze in my place. I quickly pull back, feeling like a kid that just got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“I’m sorry.” I apologize pulling away.

“No Kelley.” Alex laughs nervously, “I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“I love you.” She says kissing me. “I want this.” She reassures me as she runs her fingers down my cheek her touch leaving a burning sensation in its wake. She's looking at me with those blue eyes and desire shoots through my veins as she traces my lower lip with her thumb. “I want you”

I lean into her hand and she pulls me to her lips. It’s gentle at first but it soon deepens and any nerves I may have are overpowered by the feelings I have towards her. I kiss my way down her jaw, to her neck, onto her chest, her hip, and I plant a final kiss on her inner thigh before looking up again.

"Do you want me to stop?" I ask her seriously. “I mean it Alex. We can if you want to I know I’ve asked already but I mean it. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for, so if that means waiting a little while longer, than that's okay.”

She shakes her head ‘no’ and gives me an encouraging smile. “Kelley we’ve waited long enough.” She breathes out, “I love you, please don’t stop.”

I slowly pull off her underwear hesitating a little to still give her time to back out if she wants to. However the gasp that escapes from her mouth encourages me to push further. My hand grazes up her thigh to her ribcage and she interlocks our fingers.

“I love you too.” I say while giving her one last kiss before I stop holding back.

*

“Oh no.” Hope says snapping me out of my thoughts.

“What is it?” I asked confused.

“Something bad is happening.” She says filled with concern.

“What?” I start to panic.

“You’re thinking again.”

“You’re an asshole.” I say shaking my head.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.”

“Kelley.” Hope warns.

“I just had amazing sex last night, sex with someone who isn’t Alex and here I am looking at this damn orange and all I can think about is her.” I rush through my words frustrated and feeling stupid.

“If it was anyone else saying this to me I might actually be offended.” Hope tries to tease, “Kelley you’re going to feel badly about a lot of things. It’s all going to be difficult for you to adjust to this new lifestyle without Alex in it. All you can do is move forward and do things even if it hurts because the first initial events when newly single are the toughest but once you get past them it will get easier.”

“The sad thing is that I feel like I cheated on her and I actually feel guilty about it.” I mope.

“I have that effect on people.” Hope smirks but I see a flash of slight hurt in her eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that Hope.” I say grabbing her hand, “Last night was amazing and I don’t regret any of it.”

“Last night was a lot of fun.” Hope smiles, “Foods done. Let’s eat and then get you home.”

“Thank you Hope.” I say smiling at her letting the guilt be pushed to the back of my mind.

*

“Thanks for the ride home Hope.” I smile at her.

“You’re welcome Kell.” She smiles, “I’ll see you at practice later.”

“Hope.”

“Yeah Kelley?”

“Thank you for last night as well.” I say sheepishly, “I definitely needed it.”

 “You’re welcome. I know I said this wouldn’t be a reoccurring thing but if you ever feel like a round two I wouldn’t oppose.” Her eyes were fierce and my skin begins to tingle under her gaze.

“You mean round three.” I say raising an eyebrow at her liking the feeling I get from flirting with her.

“The point is I’m here whenever you need a distraction.”

“You’ll be the first person I call.” I lean in kissing her cheek before hopping out of the car and walking into the house feeling better than I have in awhile.

I walk into the living room and Christen is sitting there reading a book on the couch. When she hears me walk in, her features change from the calm they had before into anger.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“I went out last night.” I throw back at her using the same tone she had used.

“Everyone tells me you leave upset and you’re getting a drink then you don’t come home.” She puts her book down and stands up, “You didn’t answer any of my calls or texts. I was worried about you."

“I’m sorry Chris I didn’t mean to make you worry.” I sigh, standing in the doorway not knowing if I should sit down or not.

“Its fine but a text or something would’ve been nice.” She says it sternly but I can see her features easing up. “Where did you end up anyways?”

“I stayed at Hopes place.”

“What did you guys do?”

“We went and got drinks.” I say thinking about how much fun it actually was, “We got completely trashed and I kicked some guy in the balls it was great.”

“So I’m taking it you’re feeling better?” She questions curiously.

“Yeah a lot better.”

“Drinking has always been your outlet of choice.” She chuckles. “Of course.”

“That wasn’t really it.”

“What?” She asks confused.

“Well you know what they say ‘The best way get over someone is to get under someone else.’” I smirk thinking back to last night’s events.

“You hooked up with a random person you met in a bar?” Christen asks quietly.

“I wouldn’t exactly call her random.” I reply walking away to my bedroom to sleep some more before practice.

I go to shut my door when I hear Christen say, “No fucking way did you sleep with Hope Solo.”


	14. Chapter 14

“I’m so stoked to get off this plane.” I’m starting to get antsy from the flight we have to Nashville where our friendly is going to be held. “We haven’t had a National Game in forever.”

“We did like six weeks ago.” Alex says absentmindedly staring out the window.

“What are you thinking Lex?” I grab her hand trying to gain her attention. “Lex?”

“What?” She looks at me but her eyes are vacant which worries me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” I bring her hand to my lips coaxing her to talk to me.

“Just not ready to face everyone I guess.” She smiles sadly at me, “I’m nervous.”

Alex turns back towards the window but intertwines our fingers. During the past couple weeks I’ve done what I can to salvage anything I could with the relationships I have on the team. Most of them being the close friends I have but I made sure to see what the older players thought. I knew they wouldn’t isolate us or show their anger because they are better than that. Despite everything that has happened we are still a family and everyone still cares about us. I just wish Alex knew that and tried to reach out to people.

“Everything is going to be okay Alex.” I nudge her a little, “No one hates you.”

“I can name at least three people who do.” She says bluntly looking over to the other row where Lauren is sitting listening to her music.

We all took an earlier flight than the other people who are flying from the west coast. We wanted to avoid any issues with people who also play on our side of the country and Lauren agreed to take this flight with us. Lauren made a semi valiant effort to talk to Alex but it was forced and we both knew it.

“This will be a good opportunity to reach out to the team this camp.” I think it would be a good idea to start mending relationships but Alex would never see it my way. “You know show them that you’re still the same person, same great player, a leader.”

“I’m anything but a leader.”

“That isn’t true and we both know that.” I lean forward so she is forced to look at me, “Alex let’s make a difference this camp okay?”

“Okay.” She gives in but I know she doesn’t feel the way I do about this. That she’s scared of facing everyone and I am too but I’m ready to unlike her. I kiss her gently letting this kiss try to calm her and I feel like it does as her shoulders start to relax a little.

When I pull away she has a small smile on her face but her eyes are lit up. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She replies kissing me one last time before turning to look back at the window. All I pray is that this camp goes smoothly.

*

Alex and I had agreed that during this trip we wouldn’t spend much time together to try and lessen the chance of a blow up or awkwardness. So she went to her room with Sydney and I waited in my room for my roommate to get there. I was anything but thrilled about my room assignment but I figured this would be the best time to get it over with.

I hear the door beep as the key card was slid through the door.

“Breathe.” I say out loud.

“What?” She asks.

“Nothing.” I say quickly causing her to look at me oddly. “Hey.” I try again.

“Hey.” She says plainly before moving her stuff inside and getting to work on unpacking.

“So how was your trip?” I press wanting our time here to be less awkward.

“It went pretty fast.” She unzips her bag and starts taking her clothes out to put them away, “You?”

“Not too bad. Glad to be back with the team.” I nod to myself in reassurance.

“Really?” She looks at me with a cocked eyebrow.

“Yeah despite the obvious issues this is still my family so yes I’m glad to see everyone even if they aren’t happy to see me.” I sigh heavily rubbing my palms into my eyes.

“Listen Tobin don’t try to talk to her okay?” She stops putting her clothes away to stand up and look at me, “I know you kept trying to call her-”

“Then we both know I stopped when I was asked to.” I sit up straighter preparing myself for another argument. “I just wanted to talk to her.”

“Why?” Her question caught me off guard but I answered it honestly.

“If you were in my position wouldn’t you want to talk to her?”

“I wouldn’t have gone behind my best friends back and fucked her girlfriend.” The eyes staring back at me are cold.

“I’m well aware that I fucked up but that doesn’t mean she was any less of a best friend to me-”

“No it just means you were less of a best friend to her.”

“You hate me don’t you?” She stands there, staring at me like she’s trying to weigh something in her head.

“No I don’t hate anyone but that doesn’t mean I don’t think what you did was fucked up.” She sighs, “You haven’t been with Kelley these last couple of weeks and I don’t think you will ever fully understand what you two did to her.”

“You’re right.” I bend my head down not being able to make eye contact with her. “If I could take it back I would but it’s too late for that.”

“Exactly, it is too late.” She goes back to packing her stuff, “Just don’t try to talk to her this camp she isn’t ready to face you or Alex.”

“I miss her.” I say sadly sounding pathetic but I don’t care because it’s true I miss Kelley more than anything.

“I’m sure you do.” She continues to put clothes away and situate her stuff.

“How is she?” I know I shouldn’t ask but I can’t help it.

“How are you?” She asks me.

“Lost.” I look up to find her staring at me again.

“So multiply that by a hundred and maybe that would come close to how she feels.” She finishes putting her stuff away and starts to walk out the door.

“Christen?” I call after her as she turns around to glare at me, “Take care of her.” There is something in her eyes that tell me she’s going to say more but then she nods and turns to leave.

*

During the next few days I throw myself into soccer, I guess I feel like I have something to prove more than usual. I push myself to the brink of complete exhaustion every practice we have and everyone seems to notice. There is a fire inside of me that’s fueling every ounce of me letting me push myself. My tackles are cleaner, my moves are quicker, my passes and shots are accurate, and I can feel my game has gotten better.

I can see the same fire in Alex and I can see how hard she is pushing herself to prove to everyone she can still be a leader of this team. We both feel the eyes on us and the pressure but it only fuels us more to give our best.

“Good practice everyone.” Abby calls out to everyone.

Everyone heads in to the locker rooms but I stay on the pitch to play around with the ball. Abby is about to head into the locker rooms but comes back towards me.

“Good practice Tobs.” She stares intently at me and I know a speech is brewing.

“Thanks Abby, you too.” I say continuing to juggle the ball.

“How have you been holding up?” She asks me and I hear the concern in her voice.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you really?”

“I’m as okay as I’m going to be.” I sigh holding the ball. “I made my mistakes and now I’m trying to live with them. I promise there won’t be any issues or blow ups, I’m completely focused on the game and nothing else.”

“Tobin I’m not talking to you as a teammate I’m talking to you as a friend.”

“I didn’t know I still had any.” I laugh at the admission because despite my calmness on the plane as soon as I got here I felt alone.

“Of course you do.” Abby puts a hand on my shoulder, “No one hates you here. Some teammates just need time to adjust or wrap their heads around it. You aren’t alone remember that.”

“I feel lonely.”

“How’s Alex?” She asks softly.

“Worse off than me.” I sigh heavily, “She seems lost but most of the time she’s too stubborn to admit it.”

“Everyone still has growing to do and I know she will be fine.” She pats my shoulder a little too hard. “So will you, now go ice those calves of yours.”

“Thank you Abby.”

“You’re welcome Tobin.” She smiles at me before dragging me into the locker room.

*

It’s the night before our game and we’re all in the room they have set up for us to eat dinner as a team. I’m sitting at the table with Lauren, HAO, Becky, Bue, and Yael.

HAO is telling one of her many stories but my focus isn’t on the present conversation. I look around the room at the tables filled with my teammates. It’s been hard seeing Kelley especially since the last time she saw me was when I was kissing Alex in front of her.

Kelley is sitting at a table with Ali, Christen, Ashlyn, and Rapinoe and they are all laughing at something Rapinoe is saying. They have been all friendly to me well besides my roommate for the week who has been distant but they all spend most of their time at Kelley’s side making sure she is okay. I find myself jealous of them being able to laugh with her, hang out, and even just talking with her.

Kelley is laughing loudly now and I’m happy to see her being able to enjoy herself with them. The dull ache I have grows the more I see her with everyone else. I want to talk to her but when Christen told me to leave her alone I took her warning seriously. I continue to stare at them my eyes glued to Kelley and she must sense someone staring at her because she begins to look around the room until our eyes meet. Her eyes look soft but slowly turn into the hardness I’ve seen before and she quickly looks away.

I turn my gaze to Alex who is smiling at whatever Sydney is saying to the table. Alex, Sydney, and Kristie have all been hanging out this week and I’m glad to see she is spending time with people. I see Alex’s gaze turn in the direction of Kelley’s table and stay there for a while. Kelley looks up and their eyes meet and I feel like I’m intruding on something between them. They don’t break their stare, caught up in each other, having a silent conversation that only they understood. They use to do this when they were dating, look into each other’s eyes saying more with a look than most could with a thousand words. It was a way of having a moment, a conversation with each other that no one else was allowed in on. Kelley turns her eyes towards me then looks back at Alex. I look down at my food with the most unsettling feeling in my stomach. When I look back up Alex’s eyes are on me but they aren't the familiar eyes I see when we're alone, they look far away and soon enough she turns her gaze back to Sydney.

“Tobin.” Lauren says squeezing my forearm, “Wanna go for a walk?” I hadn’t realized I was gripping my fork so tightly and my table had taken notice to my sudden change in mood.

“Sure.” I say standing up readying to leave, “Later guys.”

“See ya Tobs.”

“See you.”

“Bye Tobs.”

I walk out of the room quickly wanting to get away from the feelings that are in the pit of my stomach. Lauren slowly catches up looping our arms together and pulling me outside.

“What’s eating at you Tobin?”

“Just focusing on the game tomorrow.”

“Okay now that you got that excuse out of your system what is really bothering you?”

“Lauren I’m tired of talking about it.” I sigh heavily but she squeezes my arm encouraging me to continue, “There is only so many times I can tell you how I miss Kelley. I don’t want to do it anymore. This is how things are now and I just have to deal with them myself.”

“It isn’t the same Tobin. Missing her when she’s not around is easier than missing her when she’s in the same room.”

“I just want my friend back.”

“Talk to her.”

“I cant.”

“And why is that?” She presses.

“Christen told me not to and I know she is right. She’s doing better, I don’t want to upset her or distract her from the game.”

“I know Christen is trying to be protective and do what’s best for Kelley but talk to her after the game then.”

“Maybe.”

“It will be okay Tobin.” Lauren sounds like me days ago when I was on the plane. “And don’t worry about Alex.”

“I’m not upset about Alex.”

“Tobs the only time you two talk is on the field when you have to.”

“We agreed on that before we got here.”

“Doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to not talk or have that one person you share everything with by your side. I saw you watching Alex and Kelley don’t think too much into it okay? You have nothing to worry about.”

“Since when do you stick up for Alex?”

“Oh I’m not but I don’t need you to be upset about something that isn’t there.” She nudges me.

“Thank you Lauren.”

“You’re welcome now come to my room and let’s watch some TV I’m sure Ali and Ashlyn will be there eventually and we can all hang out.”

“Sounds good.” I say trying to focus on my friends and the game tomorrow.

*

I’m lying in bed failing miserably at trying to get some sleep. I spent the night with Lauren, Ali, and Ashlyn as we all just watched a movie and joked around. It was nice having them there and not feeling so alone but I couldn’t help the feeling that was bugging me. All I could think about was Alex and Kelley in the dining hall. I let out a heavy sigh as I listen to Christen snore softly when my phone buzzes.

Alex 1:22 am: Tobin are you up?

Tobin: 1:22am: Yeah why are you up so late?

Alex 1:23am: Can’t sleep I guess. Are you okay? I saw you leave dinner early with Lauren.

Tobin 1:24am: Yeah don’t worry about it.

Alex 1:27am: I miss you

Tobin 1:31am: I miss you too.

Alex 1:31am: Can I see you?

Tobin 1:35am: Yeah I’ll meet you outside of your room.

I slowly get up putting on a sweatshirt and flip flops before making my way to the third floor where Alex is staying. I haven’t really been around Alex since we got to the hotel 6 days ago. When the elevator doors open I see her waiting outside of her room wearing short shorts and my sweatshirt.

“Hey.” I feel awkward when I finally reach her not really sure what to do.

“Hey there.” She smiles at me wrapping her arms around my neck, my hands immediately going to her hips pulling her closer. “I’ve missed you.”

“I know it is weird being here with you and not talking.” I run my hands along her lower back and hips. She leans in to kiss me gently before pulling away smiling at me.

“It’s weird being here with you and not being able to do that.” She smiles at me and I feel myself relax. Lauren was right that I was looking too much into her moment with Kelley in the dining hall.

I lean in this time to kiss her our lips pressing fervently against each other. Our lips quickly mold together the familiarity of her lips relaxing every muscle in my body. Her hands in my hair, and the feeling of her fingers lightly scratching my scalp causes my skin to tingle with goose bumps.

Our kiss deepens as I push her against the wall, her tongue asking for an invitation that I gladly accept. I lower my hand to her butt squeezing playfully as I pull her closer. She lets out a small moan that almost sounds like a laugh. Her hands leave my hair as they caress down my shoulders, torso, to my hips as she lightly scratches my exposed skin with her nails. Her fingers causing another sensation inside of me and I know I have to pull away.

“What is it?” Alex pouts placing her hands back around my neck.

“As much as I love kissing you I think if we continue this then we won’t be able to stop.” I smile at her.

“I don’t see a problem in that.” Alex smiles playfully before kissing me again. She’s so good at distracting me and if it weren’t for the fact that we were in a hallway in a hotel I wouldn’t object.

“Ugh.” I groan pulling away from her after one last quick kiss. “We should go to bed we have to be up early tomorrow.”

“Fine.” She sighs heavily, “I hate not sleeping with you.” She says lightly as she rests her head against mine.

“I know but we’ll be heading home soon.” I kiss her softly, “But for now I better head back goodnight Lex.”

“Goodnight Tobin.” She smiles giving me one last hug before going back into her hotel room.

*

The 2-0 victory against Netherlands in our friendly had the entire team pumped up. Our game has become so much smoother like a well-oiled machine, unstoppable. I was still coming down from my high from the goal I scored earlier today. The game today was just another reminder why I love the sport so much.

After the win today we all decided to go out one last time before we all had to head back to our club teams. We got to some club a couple hours ago, everyone drinking, dancing, and having a good time with everyone.

I’m sitting at the bar with Lauren not being one to party that much but still enjoying the atmosphere. I scan the room looking at my teammates dancing to the beat of the song. Ashlyn and Ali are singing at the top of their lungs holding each other, HAO on the dance floor bouncing around, and Alex, Syd, and Kristie all dancing to the music.

I make eye contact with Alex as she dances hypnotically to the beat of the music. Alex has always been a partier but watching her dance I can’t say that I mind. It takes everything in me to not go out on the dance floor to join Alex.

“You guys should just get a room now.” Lauren pulls my attention away from Alex to her. “I mean you’re already obvious about your staring.”

“Chen I can’t help it if I want to look at my girlfriend.” I argue not knowing if she was joking or serious, “Everyone already knows.”

“I’m well aware everyone knows but there is a reason you haven’t talked much this camp right? Something about being low key?”

“I’m not dancing with her or anything Lauren.” I turn around to take a drink of my beer so I can avoid this conversation.

“No but she is drunk, drunk Alex isn’t too smart.” Lauren explains, “Well either is sober Alex but you understand.” She smiles at me but I don’t laugh at the joke, “Oh come on Tobs lighten up.”

“Hey guys.” Alex is standing in front of us with Sydney who is ordering them more shots. “Want to take some shots with Syd and I?”

“No I think I’m good on remaining sober tonight.” I say smiling at how goofy Alex’s smile is.

“You’re no fun.” Sydney comments as she grabs the drinks and hands me one anyways. “Come on Tobin lets takes shots to celebrate our goals we scored today.” I shrug my shoulders before throwing back the shot and letting the burning sensation roll down my throat into my stomach.

“Yeah Tobin that’s what I like to see.” Sydney cheers on as she hands me another one. The alcohol leaving a full feeling in my stomach but helping my mood to increase even more than it already is.

“Body shot?” Alex’s voice is seductive like she doesn’t realize people are around us or that were in a club with our entire team.

“Oh no, no, no lets go.” Lauren starts to pull my arm. “You and I are going to dance and get far away from these two as possible.”

Lauren pulls me onto the dance floor and out of sight of Alex and Sydney. Lauren starts dancing to the music and I find myself finally dancing along as well. We spend the next half hour dancing with everyone and having fun. I see Sydney with Kristie doing moves I don’t think are possible but I notice Alex isn’t with them.

“Syd where is Lex?” I yell into her ear trying to overpower the music.

“Uh talking to Christen.” Sydney says finally pointing at Alex who is at the bar.

Christen and Alex look like they’re in a heated conversation so I start to make my way over to them in instant defense mode. When I finally reach them Christen throws back a shot and points to Hope and Kelley. Hope and Kelley both look drunk and standing extremely close together in a conversation I’m assuming is only meant for their ears. Alex doesn’t waste any time making her way over to Hope and Kelley as I follow behind trying to get past people blocking my way.

I can’t think of anything that Hope and Kelley could’ve done to make Alex so angry but I try to push through everyone to make sure nothing bad happens and no fights break out.

“Are you serious Kelley? Hope isn’t good enough for you.” Alex berates them as they stand there looking a little taken back. “She is just going to fuck you over.”

“You mean like how you fucked her over?” Hope challenges.

I miss the beginning of the conversation but it doesn’t take me long to figure out that Alex is yelling at them because she thinks they are together. I stand behind Alex, my body shaking with adrenaline as I listen to the jealousy pour out of her mouth.

“Oh fuck off Hope.” Alex brushes her off, “We all know how she is. She is going to hurt you, Kelley.” She directs all of her attention to Kelley.

“How I am? What the hell does that mean?” Hope says standing up straighter.

“You know exactly what it means.” Alex spits bitterly.

“No actually-” Hope starts towards Alex, but is held back by a hand on her arm.

“Stop please.” She says quietly. “It’s not worth it.”

Hope mumbles something under her breath but backs off.

“Kelley.” Alex says again and this time Hope moves a little closer to Kelley like she is in the same protective zone that I was. “This has to be a joke.” Alex says maliciously glaring at Hope.

“Why don't you stop worrying about my relationship and start worrying about your own?" Kelley’s words surprise us all especially Alex and I. I didn’t know that Kelley had noticed me because her eyes had never left Alex and Alex because when she turned around I could see the horror in her eye realizing I was listening.

“Tob-” is the only thing I hear Alex say before I turn around and make my way through the club. My thoughts are racing through my head as fast as my heart is beating. As soon as I hit the fresh air I start to walk towards the hotel wanting to get away from everyone and be alone.

“Tobin wait!” Alex yells after me but I don’t stop. “Tobin come on.” Alex says easily catching up to me. “Wait.” She stops in front of me.

“What the hell were you doing Alex?”

“Nothing I was just-” I don’t let her finish knowing an excuse was about to play off her lips. “Tobin, stop walking away from me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you Alex.”

“Tobin it wasn’t what it looked like.” She grabs my arm and I spin on her.

“Then what was it Alex?”

 “Christen said-” Alex tries to defend herself but I don’t bother to listen.

 “I don’t fucking care what Christen said! What or who Kelley does isn’t any of your business anymore.” My voice rises matching the anger that’s rising inside of me.

“You’re getting angry over nothing.”

“Is that a fucking joke?”

“It’s not what it looked like you won’t even let me explain.”

“What it looked like to me is that my girlfriend was jealous over a girl talking to her ex-girlfriend. What it looked like to me is that my girlfriend still thinks she’s the best choice for her ex.” I yell into the open air letting my anger reverberate off of the buildings.

“Tobin.” Is all Alex says reassuring me that what I just assumed is the truth. Alex doesn’t try to deny it anymore because what would be the point to try to deny something that she knows is right.

I turn around and walk back to the hotel feeling the emptiness in my stomach that accompanied me months ago when I use to watch Alex and Kelley together.

*

I was sitting in my room sifting through my thoughts for the past two hours when I heard a knock on the door. Christen must’ve forgotten her room key or something so I hop off the bed to open the door.

Standing there was Kelley and my heart seemed to plummet into my stomach and I had to remember to tell myself to close my mouth that had dropped. I felt stupid for feeling so surprised and the fact that I know I looked like I had been crying.

“Kelley.” I let out with a question hanging between us.

“Christen got really drunk and everyone else is asleep. I need your help.” Kelley says begrudgingly, breaking eye contact and looking to her left. I poke my head out the door and see Christen on the floor.

“Did you carry her here?”

“No she walked most of the way but once we got to the hotel she was done."

“Alright come on Christen let’s get you up.” I say making my way over to help Kelley lift her.

“I feel sick.”

“Let’s bring her to the bathroom.” Kelley instructs as we carry Christen into the bathroom. Christen is in really good shape but she’s a solid girl so she isn’t the easiest to lift.

I walk into the room to get her a water bottle, aspirin, and make her a peanut butter sandwich.

“How are you holding up?” I ask softly rubbing her back slowly and she moans in response. Kelley is sitting on the bath tub edge as Christen lies on top of the toilet. “You need to eat something Chris."

“Where did you get that?” Kelley asks me confused.

“I just made it.” I look over at her staring at me but I turn my attention back to Christen, “It will make you feel better.”

Christen sticks out her hand turning her head to me and I hand over the sandwich as she slowly eats it. I sit on the floor next to her, making sure she doesn’t choke or anything, and ignoring the fact that Kelley and I have been in the same space for almost ten minutes now without fighting. I try to ignore the hopefulness I feel at being close to her without arguing.

“Good game today by the way.” I compliment her nervously, “You had some awesome tackles.”

“Yeah you too uh nice goal.” She says noncommittal to starting a conversation.

“Alright Christen drink this water slowly for me.”

“It’s warm.” Christen complains.

I know. Cold water will just upset your stomach more."

“Huh.” I hear come from Kelley but I don’t look over.

“Good job.” I say to Christen as she slowly drinks the water.

After Christen finishes her bottle of water, we give her time to digest her food and make sure she will actually keep it down before we stand her up and start to bring her to the bed. Once she is settled in Kelley kisses her forehead and tells her to sleep tight. Christen seems to have fallen asleep so Kelley gets up to leave.

“If you want to stay tonight I’ll go to your room.” I offer her knowing Christen would rather have her here than me.

“It won’t be necessary she will pass out soon if not already.” Kelley says opening the door as I follow her out.

“Kelley.” I say her name with more desperation than I had wanted.

“What is it?”

“About tonight I’m sorry about Alex.”  She lets out a laugh with a frustrated sigh following.

“Out of everything, that’s what you want to apologize for seriously?” She scoffs shaking her head about to leave.

“Kelley I’ve tried.”

“Have you Tobin?” She gives me a knowing look before sighing and shutting the door behind her leaving me with more questions than I had before.

I sit down in bed after putting aspirin, a banana, a granola bar, and water next to Christens bed side.

“Goodnight Christen.” I say before I lie in bed and pull out my bible.

“I would’ve treated her better.” Christen slurs out.

“What?”

“She deserved better and I would’ve treated her better.”

“Treated who better?” I ask curiously.

“Kelley.” She rolls over and faces me, and opens her eyes. “I would’ve treated her better. I wouldn’t have hurt her the way she did.”

“You still have feelings for her?” I ask shocked by this news.

“I never stopped.” She says and I stop what I'm doing and look at her.

“Christen.”

"Not for one minute." She says before rolling back over and I’m thrown back into a memory.

*

“So you guys play on Sunday?” Christen asks as we look for four open seats in the movie theatre.

“Yeah.” I reply as I follow her down the aisle.

“You’ll have to let us know how San Francisco is this year.” She says turning around to face me.

“And help you guys? No way.” I joke and Christen gives me a stern glare. “You know I’m just messing with you.” I give her my signature smile and she shoves me lightly in return. “What about over there?” I point to some open seats.

“Kelley likes to sit farther back. She feels like she has to crane her neck if she sits too close.” She states as we continue further to the back of the theatre.

“Are you going to tell her?” I ask Christen as we finally sit down.

“I don’t know.” She shrugs.

“Why not?” I push further.

“What if she doesn’t feel the same way Tobin?”

“She does.” I say sincerely doing my best to assure her.

With my last few words her eyes light up hopefully. "R-really? Did she say something to you?”

“Well no…”

Her shoulders drop as she lets out a sigh. “Then how do you know?” She questions.

“Christen, it’s obvious. Anyone can see how perfect you two are for each other.” I laugh, “You spend every waking moment together, talk about each other nonstop, you’re always doing things for each other.”

“Are not.” Christen interrupts me.

“Oh really? ‘Kelley can’t sit that close, it hurts her neck.’” I say mockingly earning myself a punch on the arm.

“Shut up.” Her cheeks burn red.

“All I’m saying is that you two obviously like each other. You guys are practically already together, the only thing missing is the sex, not the affection.”

“Then why doesn’t Kelley do something about it?”

“Because this is Kelley we are talking about.” I say pointedly, “We both know that Kelley isn’t one to make a move to be in a relationship unless the person makes a move first. Kelley is content with what she has with people so she needs that push from you, Chris.”

“I don’t know.”

“Christen.”

“Fine I’ll tell her.” Christen shifts awkwardly in her seat, “After the soccer seasons over.” She adds quietly.

 “I heard that.” I say giving her disapproving look.

“I can’t risk messing up our chemistry on the field.” She defends herself. “If she doesn’t like me or if it doesn’t work out or something, you know?”

I’m about to say something when Ali and Kelley walk up holding drinks and food.

“What are you guys talking about?” Kelley asks kicking my feet as she squeezes by me to sit next to Christen.

“How annoying you are.” I smile innocently up at my friend and earn myself another swift kick before she takes her seat.

“I know you are all into your weird cleanses right now but I got you popcorn anyway, extra butter and with that weird cinnamon stuff that you like so much.” Kelley says as she hands the bag over to Christen and I find myself trying to hide my huge grin behind my hand.

“Thank you.” Christen smiles from ear to ear before sneaking a glance my way.

A couple minutes later the lights in the theatre go off and the previews start playing.

“I swear the previews are the best part of going to the movies.” Kelley squeals happily.

“You’re an idiot Kell.” Ali mumbles next to me.

“And you’re no fun.” Kelley grabs a handful of Christens popcorn and throws it at Ali hitting me in the crossfire.

“Ashlyn warned me that you guys only wanted to hangout to take me out of our game against you guys next week.”

“Ashlyn Harris is one smart girl.” Kelley winks at me before picking up a piece of popcorn off my lap and eating it.

“You’re one of a kind Kelley.” I laugh loudly which earns me an elbow from Ali.

“The movie is starting.” Ali whispers.

“You guys are seriously out to get me.” I say exasperatedly.

“Shhh.” All three of them shush me.

The movie starts and out of the corner of my eye I notice Christen moving her hand slowly towards Kelley’s hesitating and pulling back each time. This goes on for quite some time before a part in the movie causes Kelley to jump and grab Christens hand. To Christens credit, she kept herself composed. What Kelley happened to miss however, was the look of absolute contentment on Christens face as she hid in the younger girls shoulder from the horror on the movie screen.

*

I should have seen it. She is protective over Kelley the same way I am over Alex, always putting her first, coming back from Sweden to play in Seattle with her.

 As much as it shouldn’t surprise me, it really does. I had truly thought that Christen had moved on from Kelley years ago. She was obviously a lot stronger and better at hiding her feelings than I was. For seven years now, Christen had played the best friend, watching the girl she loved, love someone else.

Shaking my thought away, I lay back on my bed. So much has happened tonight and I think it’s better to sleep than to continue to dwell on it.

There’s always tomorrow.

*

When I wake up the next morning Christen is showered, getting her stuff packed, and looking miserable.

“How are you feeling?” I ask rubbing my eyes.

“Fine.” Christen states distantly as she zips up her bag.

“That’s good.” I sigh realizing any effort made last night doesn’t matter to her because her opinion on me is still the same not that it’s a surprise. “Have a safe flight.”

“Tobin.” Christen says and when I turn around her face isn’t as angry as before. “Did I say anything regretful last night?”

“Not to Kelley no.” I say knowing what she’s asking and she nods in understanding.

“Thanks for last night.” She acknowledges looking a little embarrassed. I can see that the food, aspirin, and water have been consumed which makes me happy.

“No problem.” I nod getting clothes out of my suitcase to go shower and get ready. I packed ahead of time last night since I had so much time to myself.

“You know Kelley isn’t the only one who deserves someone better.” Christen says staring at me with a look in her eyes that says more to me than her comment does. “Have a safe flight.”

*

I take my time getting dressed and heading down the stairs knowing that most of the teams flight aren’t until later today so I figured I would hang out in the lobby.

When I approach the end of the hall I can hear two familiar voices talking and I stop in my tracks not really sure what I’m supposed to do.

“I know that Hope but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to apologize for outing you and Kelley to Alex last night.”

“There isn’t much to out us on Chris.” Hope laughs lightly, “Kelley and I had sex once but it won’t be happening again.”

“I thought you guys were going to be each other’s casualties.”

“Yeah it seemed like a good idea until I realized that you had real feelings for Kelley and even if I have fun with her I’m not going to do it just for the sake of doing it. Not if your feelings are involved.”

“I don’t like-”

“Yes you do and it’s okay.” Hope chuckles at Christens awkwardness, “It’s hard not to fall for Kelley O’Hara.”

“Do you like her Hope?”

“Kelley's a good friend but that's all I see her as. She and I would never be good together. What we had was purely physical, no feelings attached." Hope says in her sincerest tone, "If she were to be happy again, it would be with someone like you.”

“Thanks Hope,” Christen lets out a small sigh, “I’m sorry about telling Alex I didn’t honestly think she was going to bombard you guys but I guess I wasn’t exactly thinking.”

“Yeah well I don’t think she was either.”

“Do you think Alex still has feelings for Kelley?”

“I don’t know, I mean they were together for what seven years? That’s a lot to just let go of and move on from as quickly as she did." She shrugs her shoulders, "In my personal opinion, just because you breakup that doesn't always mean you stopped loving the other person." She leans over to pick up her bags, "Just don't get in too deep too fast. I'd hate to see what you two have get messed up." Hopes words reminded me of the ache in my chest that resided there all last night. It’s true though how do you compete with something like that, you can’t.

*

I said most of my goodbyes to the players who were up with us at the hotel and then Lauren, Alex, and I left for our flight. It was an awkward morning of silences, stares, and Lauren trying to diffuse the tension until she gave up.

We boarded the plane, sitting next to each other in a two person row, just us, alone with our thoughts. The plane took off and I looked everywhere but at Alex not wanting to have a conversation with her yet.

“Tobin about last night.” Alex begins but my anger is still there and I can’t listen to her excuses right now.

“They only slept together.” I say turning to her my brows pressing inward as I glare at her trying to read her reaction. Alex looked at me evenly but her eyes betrayed her they always did. “It was a onetime thing so don’t worry you can rest easy now. I wouldn’t want you to lose sleep over this.” I don’t hide the bitterness in my voice as I turn my music on, place my headphones over my ears, and drown out everything.

*

I spent the rest of the night in my own room, reading my bible, and wanting to just feel at peace for a little while before I had to deal with the monstrosity of my feelings. Like on cue from a bad movie, Alex knocks on my door and walks in.

“Are you ever going to talk to me?” Alex asks standing there looking nervous.

“Not right now.” I say looking down at my bible wanting the words on the pages to drown out my building frustration.

“Tobin that isn’t fair.” She says moving closer to the bed, “We have to talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk to you Alex so please just leave me alone for now.”

“Why are you being like this?” Alex’s voice is desperate to resolve the fight between us but I just don’t have it in me to want to fight, “I’m trying to open up and talk to you but you’re pushing me away.”

“I have done everything but the opposite of pushing you away.” I close my book looking straight at her, “I have done everything possible to keep us together but it’s not enough.”

“What do you mean it’s not enough?”

“You still have feelings for Kelley. That’s obvious or you wouldn’t have blown up like you did last night.”

“Tobin I was drunk and yeah to be completely honest, it hurt hearing that Hope and Kelley were together.” She pauses relaxing her shoulders, “It wasn’t easy seeing Kelley with someone else.”

“If it hurt you enough to react the way you did, I don’t see why you and I are even together.” I yell before my mind registers my anger.

“Because I love you Tobin.” She says taken back by my sudden yelling.

“That may be true but you love Kelley too.”

“Where is this coming from Tobin? I’m sorry about last night I know I overstepped some boundaries but this is getting blown way out of proportion.”

“I’m blowing this out of proportion?”

“Yes you are!”

"I am? You think I'm making it look worse than it is?" I didn't wait for an answer, “How about you're not taking this seriously?”

“Maybe you’re taking this too seriously.” She deadpans. “It’s not at all what it looked like.”

“Then what is it Alex? Because what it looked like was you pulling the jealous ex-girlfriend card." I stand up leaving my room feeling it’s too close of a space to be trapped in. “But you are, right?”

“Hope isn’t good enough.” She follows me into the living room.

“You’ll say that about anyone she talks to because let’s face it you still have feelings for her.”

“Tobin.”

“You settled for me.” My voice is bitter filled with rage and it scares me at how my muscles are tightening and my body shakes. “Things got bad with Kelley and when she walked away, I was the only one you had left.

“That was mean.” Alex says her voice and eyes filled with hurt.

“If Kelley hadn’t found out about us would you have really left her?”

“Yes.”

“I honestly don’t believe that.” I say coldly.

“Are you serious right now Tobin?”

“Do I look like I’m joking Alex?” I ask standing straight up opening my arms like it gives her a better view of me.

“No.” She sounds so small.

“I think the reality of what’s happened is finally hitting you and you’re regretting everything.”

“How could you say that?”

“Just trying to be honest.”

“If you really feel that way then we have bigger problems than just about me overreacting about Hope and Kelley being together.”

“I guess so.”

“Tobin what is your problem?”

“I’m not Kelley.” I yell at her louder than I ever have, “I’m not Kelley I can’t measure up to a seven year relationship and the girl you loved for a third of your life. I can’t fill the shoes that Kelley left.”

“Tobin I’m not asking you to.” Alex’s eyes are sad as she takes a small step towards me, “If that were the case than you and I would've never gotten together. I love you Tobin, for you.”

“Do you still love Kelley?”

"We were together for seven years. Of course I still love her, but the the way I see it a part of me will always love Kelley. I don't think that kind of thing ever truly goes away but Tobin things change, people change, my feelings towards Kelley changed." Alex looks me directly in the eyes, "Most importantly my feelings for you changed. Yeah, I may still care about Kelley, but I'm not in love with her anymore. I am however in love with you."

"Alex."

"I love you, Tobin Heath. I am in love with you." She steps closer, "Don't you see that?"

"Why?" I ask.

“Because you’re caring, more caring than anyone I have ever met. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen and you are so open and loving to everyone. You know me, sometimes better than I know myself. You're always there when I need you. You're caring and kind and sweet. Somehow you make me happy by just being around." She smiles but her eyes are still sad as she thinks to herself, “How could I not love you?”

"Alex."

"Tobin, you know me. You know how much I hate talking about my feelings, how hard this sort of thing is for me, yet here I am opening up and doing this with you." She shifts in the spot she's standing, "You make me want to be different, be better, you make me want to try harder."

“If you truly mean all that why did last night happen Alex?”

“Tobin I don’t have an explanation besides the fact that it was weird for me to see Kelley with someone else and the alcohol didn’t help. I care about Kelley and I don’t think Hope is good for her. You were right though it was none of my business and I should’ve put everyone’s feelings before my own.”

“It hurt seeing you react like that Alex." I hold my ground, "It made me question your feelings for me and I hate that. I thought I was past feeling this way until last night.”

“I never wanted to hurt you Tobin but I don’t want anyone else but you.” She says coming closer to me, “Do you believe me?”

“I just feel inadequate.” I look down not wanting to meet her gaze. “I don’t measure up to what you had with Kelley, what you felt for her.”

“I chose you Tobin. Even before Kelley found out, I chose you. So please stop comparing yourself to Kelley, stop comparing what you and I have now to what her and I use to have. It's not fair to either of us. What you and I have is special, it's different, it's ours."  Her voice is soft and she tilts her head down to try and make eye contact. “If I wanted to be with Kelley, then I never would have been with you."

“I hate that you care who she dates.” Alex’s words are reassuring but I don’t want to give in so easily because even though I do believe her that she loves me I still feel unsure about her feelings for Kelley.

“That's not it Tobin, I wish I could get you to understand." She shakes her head sadly, "I care more that she doesn’t get hurt especially after what I did to her. You are right though, what Kelley does is none of my business and it was wrong of me to butt into her life. I can admit that.”

We both stand there silently mulling over what each other has said.

“I’m sorry for yelling.” I finally say.

“You had every right to yell, I messed up.” She leans into me. “I’m still growing.” She mumbles into my shoulder.

“I know.” I place my arms around her waist wanting the comfort of her touch.

“I love you Tobin Heath.” She kisses me lightly and I try to push everything out of my mind because despite my feelings, being here with Alex is comforting and I don’t want that to go away.

“I love you Alexandra Morgan.” I kiss her this time letting my frustration release in this kiss. “So were you really going to let me do body shots off of you?”

“I was.” Alex laughs shaking her head at me ruining the moment. “We have tequila in the freezer.” She says suggestively.

“Tempting but we should probably have dinner first. Take out?” I suggest.

“Sounds perfect.” 


End file.
